I have noticed every time he calls she moves to another room or the bathroom to talk to him. Today for a strange reason it’s like someone told me to listen in.
I have been taking care of her since she had her lung cancer surgery. I went through hell with this surgery because she had internal bleeding and almost died.
I have done anything to make her feel comfortable.
Now that she feels a little better, she acts like nothing happened.
She has this habit of cooking lots of food and give it to others my brothers or..
I guess my brother was asking how she makes a dish. And immediately she told him I will shop for it and make it myself but “this one” (referring to me) complains about the smell.
Taking care of her throughout her different surgeries, breast cancer, colon cancer, hysterectomy and the last one lung cancer surgery and being referred to as THIS ONE it’s pretty hurtful to me.
By the way this dish is made with sheep’s feet and head and it’s disgusting. The smell is worst. And it needs to cook all night. My bedroom is upstairs and imagine having all that smell travel to the second floor.
She then continued saying who cares it’s not her house I will cook it. I don’t know what my brother told her but she said : And she thinks she is the one taking care of me.
When I heard that it was like someone dropped a bucket of cold water on me.
I have never felt so betrayed in my whole life.
She was talking to him as if I was her enemy.
I have told her time and time again if you’re not happy with me being here just say the word. Don’t talk behind my back and pretend you are the caring parent.
Every time I have confronted her on this she manipulated the situation and at the end she will play the victim.
I am so close to walking out. I can’t believe I cared for her so much and my siblings never done anything to lift a finger ever and I am the bad person and they are the good one.
I am so hurt by this.
It sounds like it is time to go live your best life and let her figure out what the truth really is.
NOW, it does sound to me that Mom takes you for granted. I think this may have been the case for some time?
I wonder, do you live with your Mom or does she live with you. If the former is the case, you living with her, it will be easier to move on now. To tell her you are happy you could be there for her surgery, and wish her continued healing, but now must get on with your own life. If she lives with you? That will be difficult, and might involve the hard decision to tell her that she must now move to her own studio perhaps nearby, with her son, or whatever other arrangement might work in future.
I think this isn't a matter of one overheard conversation that hurt you; at least I hope not. Because people usually don't mean half what they say when they are gossiping on the phone, and would be ashamed to say such things to someone's face. Only you can decide if this is a momentary hurt that comes of exhaustion, and that you are certain of her love and appreciation OR that you truly are not appreciated, and it is time to move on. I wish you the best of luck and hope you will tell us what you decide and how things work for you.
You do it she says.
Walk out and live your life.
If you are living with her the above applies but you say time for you to leave. And tell her if she needs anything she is to call your brother/s.
My own living situation is very like yours. I am not only my elderly mother's caregiver in her house, but I am also responsible for everything around here too. All the chores both indoors and out. All the shopping, cooking, cleaning, doctor's appointments, phone work, and everything else under the sun. Not only that but I'm also her scratching post for when she wants to fight, complain, or lash out about something. Then I'm expected to be grateful for such abuse because I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. I think that the very same is expected from you too. Not only from your mom but from everyone else as well. I truly hope that if you're able to move out of her house that you do. And, by the way I think I would vomit on the floor if I had to smell a haggis cooking all night long. That's nasty.
I have seen Latinos eat it something similar to this.
I went through this all of the time with my mom! I had three brothers.
They won’t change. Do whatever is right for you. I finally did. I stopped being my mom’s caregiver.
Now, my brother and wife #4 have my mom in their house!
I am so sorry that life is so miserable with your mom.
I would go sit outside on my patio when my mom was speaking to my brothers. I took a well deserved coffee break! I was not willing to listen to the crap anymore.
Maybe you can tell your mom that she can cook all night with your brother and then they can share all of the sheep’s feet that they can eat together!
You know when someone is talking behind your back on the phone. She would go to the bathroom or go outside and she normally doesn’t do that with others. Only when he calls. It is so obvious.
So disgusting!
NH2021,
Your mom doesn’t like being confronted. If she is confronted she will lie or tell only a portion of the truth. She will NEVER reveal what she does. They NEVER do!
She likes to dish it out, but can’t take it!
Do whatever is right for you! She hasn’t taken your feelings into consideration so you shouldn’t worry about hers.
Anyone that tells you to take the high road hasn’t walked in your shoes. Don’t hesitate to tell them to SWAP PLACES with YOU!
You are entitled and justified to your feelings. No one else knows what you are going through or have been through.
You don’t owe anyone else an explanation for your actions either. So don’t be concerned about pushback from your mom, your brother or anyone else!
This is vile and disgusting. Sheep’s eye and head and smell is just awful.
The cooking process is so long 9 or 10 hours. It’s not like they cook it in an hour and it’s over. It lingers through the night and the next day.
Oh my God you are so right. Do you know my mom by any chance?? 😄 because you described her perfectly. She did deny it and lies looking into my eyes.
Geeeez, did you eat it growing up? I don’t eat anything I don’t like. I would have starved! LOL
My word, I just looked up Haggis. 🤮 Yuck!
I am Scottish and Irish on my father’s side of the family but I could NEVER eat that!
She has made it in the past but she knows how I hate it and hate the smell, she doesn’t care.
I bet certain European cultures say the same thing about sheep. I don't mind haggis, black pudding, and head cheese and such, it's pretty good. But being stuck in house where it's cooking for 10+ hours sounds awful.
I don't have any religious dietary restrictions, so when I lived in Korea and traveled east and southeast Asia, my policy was try whatever I was given, and if I liked it, I liked it; and not to question what it was.
I just went through something similar with mine, but the ones I am most angry with are my siblings. They KNOW my mother and can barely stand to be around her, they know she lies. But instead of redirecting and sticking up for me, knowing full well all I do, they appease her and that make things worse for me. It validates her garbage attitude.
What I’m trying to say is this is on your brother too. He should know better. He should have stopped your mother’s insults and remind her all that you do! I don’t mean in an arguing kind of way, rather polite and matter of fact.
As far as I’m concerned NOT sticking up for you is him throwing you under the bus. His silence is no excuse.
I’ll be honest when my mom passes, I’m washing my hands of my self-serving do nothing siblings.
It’s awful, but it’s a reality check that tells what that individual’s true character is.
With my siblings they were always selfish and self righteous.
Insult to injury, just two years ago and before, they went from she can live with me and even "she can live on her own" (what???)..don't worry....go on about your life to she's getting old now. Well, excuse me, she was when I got here or acted like it! Incidentally, of our conversations/issues over the years have been about Mom.
My apologies, I should have added this to my preface but, here it is anyway. (BTW she is 84.5 years old). Shortly, after I had moved in she sprained her ankle (laid up for 6 weeks) after that, she had a "global transient disorder episode" . That kinda set the tone for "things to come".
Anyway, I am starting to ramble and not giving the necessary details for the big picture. But, one thing you mentioned hits home. I over heard this when I first moved back...In regards to my ex..." He just dumped her off...what am I supposed to do with her?" Like she 's the big cheese. She maybe financially stable but...she is not emotionally stable at all, and a master manipulator to boot! One of her favorites is "nobody asked you to"?
She has always been insistent that she live and die in her home! Guess what, she has had 15 years of that and my sisters have enjoyed the luxury of knowing Mom is not alone (I don't think they care but, I resent them not feeling the stress of it!! - guilt free/ in denial of reality! ). All at my expense and if I had put my foot down and not have felt sorry for her and worried about myself and my future for once in my life, they would all be living a VERY DIFFERENT LIFE!
I am just soooo over it!!! ( I am the youngest and my brother was in the middle...I feel my sisters are big bullies! of the worst kind) - and guaranteed they would not be pulling this crap if my brother was alive!) I take solace in knowing one day I will make sure to verbalize this to ensure they don't get relief or (forgiveness from me) for not doing a thing for so so long, as well as knock them off their pretentiousness and delusion.
Thanks for letting me vent! I swear I am doing everything to try and stay positive! Dr. Joe Despenza can only do so much...."be greater than your environment" is easier said than done sometimes, but, GOD knows I'm trying!
Forget your mom and siblings. Start living for yourself.
They are living in a delusional world. Create your own world for your own sanity.
I'm glad you do tell your mom about your awareness of what's been said and done behind your back BUT, you will never convince her that she's in the wrong or get her to "see the light." It's unfortunate, but so very true which you can see by the fact that she manipulates (gaslights) the situation and continues to play the victim. Why? Because it works for her, always has and always will.
The other factor is when it comes to siblings, in most families there is always sibling rivalry going on to some degree - some worse than others. Because of that they will want to strive to be the favored one, the good one. When that happens, then one or more of the other siblings and who are the caregiver(s) are the ones left holding the bag and taking on the role of the bad guy which has been placed upon them.
Rest assured you are not the only one this happens to and you will hear other posters share the same sentiments in their own situations.
Setting limits, boundaries or letting someone else take over is about the only alternative but, you have to hold firm and stay strong. If you give in again just "once" - she'll know she has you back on the hook!
I wish you the best and I know and understand how deeply this has hurt and affected not just you but how you go about caregiving for her and interacting with her.
You are absolutely right. They are alike.
I have heard her say some really awful things behind my back and to my face. But if I say something to one of the sibs for support, they don't really 'get it'.
I had cancer last year and she did not reach out to me ONCE in the year I was treating. When I started to grow some hair back, I went to see her, thinking maybe she'd care--all she said was "you used to be so pretty'. And then, "Well, when do they think this will come back?" (the cancer, not my hair).
She's not toxic, she's just got her favorites and I am not one. Just staying away from her as much as I can has been the only thing that has kept me sane.
She's 90 and will probably live many more years. I need to self preserve--and it's not 'natural' to me, so it's been hard.
I have told you about my MIL dying from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. She fought hard and she was in remission for five years.
I loved my MIL. She was a lovely woman who raised wonderful sons.
She was an only child. You’d think her mom would have cherished her. The opposite was true. Her mom was hateful!
My grandmother in law used to say that my sweet MIL was lying about her cancer so she could get attention!
Who in the world could be jealous of someone with cancer? She was! Isn’t that sad and pathetic?
Why have you not moved out? Your mother is not going to change, so you need to change your situation. Next time Mum needs help, she can hire someone to provide it.
Today she called me and says I am sorry I was wrong but this time it’s not like other times.
I heard it with my own ears what she thinks of me. She is only apologizing because she realized she still needs me.
I don’t want stay with someone that doesn’t love me specially a parent.
As much as it hurts me I have to accept that she only wants me because she doesn’t have other choices.
I know how you feel. When I found out that my mother was talking behind my back I felt a betrayal that I never felt before. You feel stupid because you did so much for them and then you find out they are bad mouthing you. Treat you as if you should be grateful to just be in their presence. It hurts deeply!
If you can move out and don't look back!
Had I found this forum before I moved in with my own backstabbing mother perhaps, I would have saved myself much pain and tears.
Save yourself because no else will or can. You have gotten some great advice and if I was you, I would take it.
Don't waste your love or caring on someone who doesn't love or care for you. Just maybe someone wanted you to know the truth and told you to listen to your mom on the phone!
Hugs!!!
I feel so stupid for crying when she was in the hospital and for the effort I put in.
I feel I have been lied to and deceived.
You think they are your parent and they love you but you find out it’s not true.
She called me today saying she is sorry but I know she is not. She is just saying this because she realizes she still needs me.
I don’t want a parent who doesn’t want me for me rather than she is changing her tune because she wants to use me.
No amount of I am sorry is going to change the betrayal I feel.
I am looking into moving out as soon as I can. I Think I want to move away as far as I can. I don’t want her to call me and don’t want to see her. Today I thought about staying in a motel so I didn’t have to be here.
How long after you found out did you move out?
Thank you all for your support. Sometimes strangers are kinder than relatives.
My mother always talked about others behind their backs. One day I realized, she probably talks about me, too. But the manipulation over many years is in-grained and I am now taking care of my mother for the last 3 1/2 years, and most of the time we get along. But this year has really taken a toll on us and I realize at some point I probably will not be able to do this and will have to have mom go to assisted living. In the meantime, it is one day at a time, sometimes an hour or a few moments at a time. But I have promised myself that when that moment comes, I will do my best to not feel guilty because I have done the best I can in our relationship over the last 65+ years.
Oh and I forgot to say, she came to my home to live, and she has never forgiven me for taking her from " her home " in another town a few hours away. And had I chosen to live in her home, it would always be "her home". So it wouldn't have worked in her home and it sure doesn't work well in my home. I have heard about her having to give up "her home" very, very frequently. There's so much more, but .... guess I'll write a book one day.
It is all about her and her needs.
Does your mother still need you to care for her?
Seems your mother feels it is not a problem to speak ill of you to others. You are hurt because you care and you have sacrificed time for her care. At the least, she should respect you. She doesn't.
I suggest it is time to start moving into a more independent life from each other. You deserve better treatment; go find it with people who nurture you.
Thank you so much for your support.
She is better or at least she thinks she is.
She had 3 different cancers in the past and the last one was lung cancer. How long this is going to last ? I don’t know and I don’t want to stick around to find out. When she becomes ill and needs you she is a totally different person, but as soon as she feels a little better it’s over. She becomes the same selfish person.
I appreciate all your help
Remember, the choice is yours. If you stay, eventually you must accept that you have chosen to do so despite having great insight into what is happening here. It will take great COURAGE and not a little help from a professional to move out of the habitual ways of acting and reacting which is "Mom is bad, I get hurt, Mom apologizes, I feel guilty and stay............repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
You will know you are well and surely healed the day you can look at your Mom with compassion and forgiveness and understand that she is a flawed human being giving as much love as she is capable of living. That is her burden in this life; not yours. We have two chances at family. The one we are born to and the one we create out of our own loves moving forward, our own goodness, our own chosen loved ones. It is truly your choice. This is not in your Mom's hands. It is in your hands. Please get help however you are able. Hard work, but you will be so glad and so proud of yourself in every step forward to unwind yourself from this web you and your Mom create together daily.
My very best to you. You are clearly smart and intuitive; I know you can do this when you decide you want to. This isn't an act of cruelty or revenge upon your poor Mom whose deficits you cannot change. This is an act of self love, and you will have all the more love to give to Mom and to others you choose to love in future.
I am not sure if she lived in my house she would even do the things she does.
She does these things because it’s her place. But she knows once I leave there are things that I did and she can not do.
Trust me her apology this time didn’t mean anything to me. I know it’s all fake and she doesn’t mean it.
And truly this time is not like other times.
I can not lie to myself any longer.
She showed who she is. We have not spoken to each other today and I left the house in the morning. If she really was sorry she would at least make an effort. Not that would make any difference in my decision.
Its time for me to start living for myself and stop living for her.
The only thing is that the worst of the pain fades. You don’t need to make it the absolute end of your relationship. We asked my father to leave (this may surprise you), and I’m sure it will help you to leave too. You don’t need a final fight with her or your brother, just go. Stay out of contact for 6 months. Don’t ever go back to live with her, but you will probably find that you can visit without much pain. If you can wait for that, it will probably mean that you can live the rest of your life with less painful memories. I hope so, for your sake!
As the saying goes, you can pick your nose, you can pick your seat, but you can't pick your family. However, you CAN choose not to deal with them, at least once you are an adult! You've come to that crossroad in your life, choose the one that will restore your sanity! You KNOW which one is the right road to choose.
"When she becomes ill and needs you she is a totally different person, but as soon as she feels a little better it’s over. She becomes the same selfish person."
Not just selfish, she is USING you. Perhaps it was okay when she was truly ill and needing a lot of help, but now - if she can cook that foul smelling crap, her bed is downstairs, can do laundry, etc, she can fend for herself. If not, she can either try to get your brothers into the fold or hire someone else to abuse. Doubtful brothers will buckle.
"Trust me her apology this time didn’t mean anything to me. I know it’s all fake and she doesn’t mean it.
And truly this time is not like other times.
I can not lie to myself any longer."
MAINTAIN that conviction and follow through! You've been sucked into that game Bugs Bunny would play in Looney Tunes - I dare you to cross that line! She pulls something on you, you try to stand your ground or put her on report, aka draw that line, she becomes contrite, apologizes, walks around on egg shells, then it all slides back into the "normal" that was by stepping over the line. So, you end up continually drawing a new line. It is just too easy for people like your mother to manipulate us, esp those of us who ARE caring people. Push the limit, back off, appear to change, but it is all a charade. If we keep drawing new lines, it will never stop. Make this the last line, only YOU cross it, into a brave new world without your mother!
"She showed who she is. We have not spoken to each other today and I left the house in the morning. If she really was sorry she would at least make an effort. Not that would make any difference in my decision."
Given her track record that you have reported, she may up her game to entice you to stay. Don't buy it. She tries to plead and apologize, you are suddenly deaf. Don't listen, don't react, don't respond, just walk away.
"Its time for me to start living for myself and stop living for her."
Yes. YES!!! Personally I would just make my plans, in private, and follow through. I wouldn't discuss ANY plans with her or anyone else. Hopefully you have employment or some kind of income. Find a place you like and/or can afford. Is any of the furniture yours, such as a bed? Are you attached to any of these? If not, find some you can afford, or thrift shop to find items to tide you over and leave it all behind. Pack up everything you want into your car, announce THAT day you are leaving, and move out. If it won't all fit, pack what you can and take it to the new place, then repeat until you have everything you want/need.
No warning. No time for her to plan HER games. No argument, no false pleading, nothing. I'm leaving and go. You can even leave a list on the table of companies in the area that hire out care-givers, cleaners, etc. But ZERO discussion. Plan the move and implement it.
This is one of those times where it has to be a quick and clean break. If your plan doesn't include any relationship in the future, I would find out if you can get your phone # changed. IF you are receiving any of your own bills at her home, get a PO Box and change all the addresses to that while you are prepping for the move!
New year, new place to live, new YOU! Please do let us know how you are doing and what progress you've made! We like to hear success stories too!!!
She calls to apologize yesterday and right now I saw she had thrown away 2 of her pictures that I had framed and put on the wall in the trash can.
I can’t wait to be out of here.
This is on your brother also.
You are not being mean to walk away - if your mother is forming an alliance with your brother, she will be happy with whatever care she gets from him. Staying will only cause you to suffer. It’s okay to let someone else take over caregiving since they have setup an unhealthy dynamic.
Take care of you ~ you deserve it.
Cheryl
Philadelphia