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To summarize what seems to be the consensus here: 1) You deserve more than sisters who don't help at all. 2) The best way to get that "more" is with a caregiver agreement and being paid as you go along. 3) If she is still of sound mind, your mother can leave her estate to anyone she wishes. 4) If the lawyer senses she in not able to think clearly and understand the consequences of her decision, she may not be able to change her will
Please let us know what you do, and how this all works out for you.
First and foremost, the most important thing to do is to make sure your mom is taken care of now. That involves your time and inputs and mom really should pay for these things up front, as taxable income to you, and as reimbursements for expenses (not taxable to you) and payments to others for her needs (she can pay for a gas card at the grocery for your fill ups). If your mother had to go on Medicaid (only had house and $2k in bank) then you would have validly spent down her money as well.
What that does is pay you for your efforts right now so that when the heirs, whomever she picks, will be sharing the remainder of her estate. You will feel better about it overall because you will have taken care of mom and been paid for your time. As much as your siblings don't do, you won't complain as much if you are paid for your time. The siblings might not like it, but if you are POA you don't have to tell them who she's paying for what. That only occurs as the executor.
In your example of leaving her sis a set amount, in my state that amount comes out first and then the shares after. If the person has less than the set amount, that amount comes out first and then the shares get nothing. That might not be your case, but it happens so often with Memory Care sometimes costing over 10K a month that it is worth considering. Perhaps an estate planning attorney is in order if there is a large estate expected after all expenses.
Yes. My mother’s will has her mom (who’s deceased since 2000) and me. I’m an only child. I’m not sure if my grandma’s ‘heirs’ get her part of the will, half of them have passed away and I’d resent her living heirs if they were getting anything. Neither of my parents will discuss anything concerning money, POA, or anything about the estate. I just cannot let this upset me. I don’t give a damn who gets what.
Good morning, My middle sister does not know this and she would have a nervous break down if she knew was aunt was in the will as an equal to us siblings. My oldest sister is just about neutral on everything since she moved away 45 years ago and we see her maybe once every 5 years. I really want to get the will changed because my father would be rolling over in his grave right now if he knew my mom put her 1/2 sister in the will. He wanted his children and grandchildren taken care of as best as they could do. I am my mom's POA and the executor of her will, I am the youngest of the three girls but my mom relies on me to get things done and she knows that I will do it. She fell down the stairs last May and broke a bone in her neck and broke her wrist in 3 spots and then she developed pneumonia, she was in the hospital and the nursing home for 3 months. I am the only one that still works full time but I was there to see her and talk with doctors and nurses every night after work. My oldest sister came for 2 weeks and my aunt came for 3 weeks to help. My middle sister went to see her once a week. She had another surgery on her wrist in October and I took the day off to take her and then she stayed with me for a few days after. This past weekend when she told me about my aunt and her getting in a tiff and she felt my aunt made her look like a fool and she wanted to take her out of the will, I told her not to take her out completely and she agreed to just leave her a lump some of maybe 5 grand. I'm ok with that. My husband and I will have the house to take care of until we can sell it and everything will be on my shoulders when something does happen to my mom. I'm kind of glad to be able to take my mom to the lawyer so maybe I can ask some other questions on what I am going to have to do. I feel very scared about everything. I read some where that said where there's a will, there's a war. My middle sister is going to cause lots of trouble, she already got in a fight with my older sister and the 2 of them will never speak again. Anyway, there is so much more to this story but I appreciate all your comments and it's nice just to be able to talk (type) about this and get some of it off of my chest. What I would really like to do right now before anything happens to my mom is sell her home and put her in assisted living. She won't have any part of that though. Thanks again for listening to me. Best wishes to all.
Apologies, I ought to have read through all the comments before responding.
Daughter1959, really the time for your mother to be recognising your greater contribution to her wellbeing is now, while she's alive and you're doing it, rather than later and mingled with all of the lifetime's emotions that go into a will. Would she or you give thought to her paying you compensation for your time and care? Money can't buy love, of course, but it can represent respect for what you are doing.
Quite honestly. As outlandish bequests go, this just isn't one. Really? - are you that stunned by the idea of your mother considering her sister as worthy as her children?
Be grateful she doesn't care more about cats or political prisoners, is my advice.
Of course your mother can leave her money to anyone. But you in turn also have the freedom to do what you want (you don't have to take care of her).
jeannegibbs is totally correct in saying that people may not receive anything in a will, if the elder lives a long time and needs caregiver help or to live in a facility.
Time to negotiate a caregiver's contract, so you can be paid NOW for what you do for your mother. Sounds like no one else is doing anything, so YOU deserve compensation.
You don't have to say that you'd like money eventually to help your son and granddaughter because that opens the door to consideration of other possible heirs. Keep the focus on what YOU deserve, as the sole caregiver to your mother. How do you think your mother would react to this kind of discussion?
If your mother has, or develops, a chronic/expensive illness such as dementia or COPD or cancer, there is very little likelihood of anybody receiving anything substantial in a will. Sorry. This is the new normal for middle class families.
Daughter1959, if you are taking care of Mom and this occupies a significant amount of your time. you certainly should receive renumeration for your help. That is unless you are receiving help in kind, like a roof and board and use of a car and other bills paid for you. If this prevents you being able to work. Wills are not an entitlement. They are a gift from a loved one after their death. The loved one totally makes her own decisions and does not have to take into account the needs of those who are getting the money. However good your intentions you have for the disposition of your share that has nothing to do with your right for an equal share. My own will divides everything equally between my three children if there is anything left. My eldest will be recompensed for money she had helped us out with at the end. For example she plans to help us buy a house so any money she puts into that she will be entitled to a refund of that money before the division. Before any of that happens my husband and I have left everything to each other and then the kids.
daughter1959, since you are in the Will along with your 2 sisters, just curious what do your sisters think about this... or doesn't it matter to them?
I would wait before taking your Mom to see her Attorney. Funerals are high emotions, and things will be said. I would wait for a cooling off, you never know your Mom and her half-sister would be back on speaking terms. That would save you and Mom 4 trips to the Attorney along with all the costs involved to have a Will changed, then later changed back.
It is not unusual for a parent to give equal amounts to each child whether that child is in their life or not. Or to leave money to siblings... remember even a half sibling had one same parent as your Mom.
I've heard of Wills where the son(s) get the bulk of the estate, and the daughter(s) get very little because the daughters are married and have husbands to take care of them.
Sounds like you may need a Caregiver Contract as well as a revision to her will. You can read about that by searching in the search bar. Hope your Mother is okay.
Well I do take care of my mom and I don't receive much help. My aunt is married and lives in Florida and doing well she doesn't need my mom's money. My oldest sister lives in New York and has a home in Florida and a home in Maine. My other sister lives a few towns away and is not wealthy but she doesn't like my mom and stays away. I don't want the inheritance for myself but my granddaughter lives in poverty and my son needs a home so my share will go to help them. My aunt is my mom's half sister and if she gets the money it will be out away for her grandchildren. My mom told me this past weekend about the will and she wants to change it because her 1\2 sister and her got in an a tiff after my mom's brother's funeral last week. I called the lawyer today and they will get back to me.
Yes. Perhaps your aunt is elderly and has No One to care for her after your Mom passes, and you and your siblings are self-supporting? Maybe the aunt is the administrator of her estate and your Mom chooses to pay her this way. There doesn't even need to be a reason.
However, if your aunt is on medicaid or SSI, she could lose benefits if she receives an inheritance.
I've heard of people having only grandchildren in their wills, skipping their children's generation. I've heard of people leaving only keepsakes to their children and willing everything else to a charity. I've heard of people leaving most of their property to the family member who took care of them, and much smaller amounts to other family members. People can do exactly as they please in writing their wills.
How did you find out what is in your mother's will? If Mother told you, did you ask her why she is doing it this way?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
1) You deserve more than sisters who don't help at all.
2) The best way to get that "more" is with a caregiver agreement and being paid as you go along.
3) If she is still of sound mind, your mother can leave her estate to anyone she wishes.
4) If the lawyer senses she in not able to think clearly and understand the consequences of her decision, she may not be able to change her will
Please let us know what you do, and how this all works out for you.
What that does is pay you for your efforts right now so that when the heirs, whomever she picks, will be sharing the remainder of her estate. You will feel better about it overall because you will have taken care of mom and been paid for your time. As much as your siblings don't do, you won't complain as much if you are paid for your time. The siblings might not like it, but if you are POA you don't have to tell them who she's paying for what. That only occurs as the executor.
In your example of leaving her sis a set amount, in my state that amount comes out first and then the shares after. If the person has less than the set amount, that amount comes out first and then the shares get nothing. That might not be your case, but it happens so often with Memory Care sometimes costing over 10K a month that it is worth considering. Perhaps an estate planning attorney is in order if there is a large estate expected after all expenses.
My middle sister does not know this and she would have a nervous break down if she knew was aunt was in the will as an equal to us siblings. My oldest sister is just about neutral on everything since she moved away 45 years ago and we see her maybe once every 5 years. I really want to get the will changed because my father would be rolling over in his grave right now if he knew my mom put her 1/2 sister in the will. He wanted his children and grandchildren taken care of as best as they could do. I am my mom's POA and the executor of her will, I am the youngest of the three girls but my mom relies on me to get things done and she knows that I will do it. She fell down the stairs last May and broke a bone in her neck and broke her wrist in 3 spots and then she developed pneumonia, she was in the hospital and the nursing home for 3 months. I am the only one that still works full time but I was there to see her and talk with doctors and nurses every night after work. My oldest sister came for 2 weeks and my aunt came for 3 weeks to help. My middle sister went to see her once a week. She had another surgery on her wrist in October and I took the day off to take her and then she stayed with me for a few days after. This past weekend when she told me about my aunt and her getting in a tiff and she felt my aunt made her look like a fool and she wanted to take her out of the will, I told her not to take her out completely and she agreed to just leave her a lump some of maybe 5 grand. I'm ok with that. My husband and I will have the house to take care of until we can sell it and everything will be on my shoulders when something does happen to my mom. I'm kind of glad to be able to take my mom to the lawyer so maybe I can ask some other questions on what I am going to have to do. I feel very scared about everything. I read some where that said where there's a will, there's a war. My middle sister is going to cause lots of trouble, she already got in a fight with my older sister and the 2 of them will never speak again.
Anyway, there is so much more to this story but I appreciate all your comments and it's nice just to be able to talk (type) about this and get some of it off of my chest. What I would really like to do right now before anything happens to my mom is sell her home and put her in assisted living. She won't have any part of that though. Thanks again for listening to me. Best wishes to all.
Daughter1959, really the time for your mother to be recognising your greater contribution to her wellbeing is now, while she's alive and you're doing it, rather than later and mingled with all of the lifetime's emotions that go into a will. Would she or you give thought to her paying you compensation for your time and care? Money can't buy love, of course, but it can represent respect for what you are doing.
Quite honestly. As outlandish bequests go, this just isn't one. Really? - are you that stunned by the idea of your mother considering her sister as worthy as her children?
Be grateful she doesn't care more about cats or political prisoners, is my advice.
jeannegibbs is totally correct in saying that people may not receive anything in a will, if the elder lives a long time and needs caregiver help or to live in a facility.
Time to negotiate a caregiver's contract, so you can be paid NOW for what you do for your mother. Sounds like no one else is doing anything, so YOU deserve compensation.
You don't have to say that you'd like money eventually to help your son and granddaughter because that opens the door to consideration of other possible heirs. Keep the focus on what YOU deserve, as the sole caregiver to your mother. How do you think your mother would react to this kind of discussion?
Wills are not an entitlement. They are a gift from a loved one after their death. The loved one totally makes her own decisions and does not have to take into account the needs of those who are getting the money. However good your intentions you have for the disposition of your share that has nothing to do with your right for an equal share. My own will divides everything equally between my three children if there is anything left. My eldest will be recompensed for money she had helped us out with at the end. For example she plans to help us buy a house so any money she puts into that she will be entitled to a refund of that money before the division. Before any of that happens my husband and I have left everything to each other and then the kids.
I would wait before taking your Mom to see her Attorney. Funerals are high emotions, and things will be said. I would wait for a cooling off, you never know your Mom and her half-sister would be back on speaking terms. That would save you and Mom 4 trips to the Attorney along with all the costs involved to have a Will changed, then later changed back.
It is not unusual for a parent to give equal amounts to each child whether that child is in their life or not. Or to leave money to siblings... remember even a half sibling had one same parent as your Mom.
I've heard of Wills where the son(s) get the bulk of the estate, and the daughter(s) get very little because the daughters are married and have husbands to take care of them.
You can read about that by searching in the search bar. Hope your Mother is okay.
My mom told me this past weekend about the will and she wants to change it because her 1\2 sister and her got in an a tiff after my mom's brother's funeral last week.
I called the lawyer today and they will get back to me.
Is there a way you envisioned her will would better suit your idea of becoming an heir to your mother's estate after she dies?
Perhaps your aunt is elderly and has No One to care for her after your Mom passes, and you and your siblings are self-supporting?
Maybe the aunt is the administrator of her estate and your Mom chooses to pay her this way.
There doesn't even need to be a reason.
However, if your aunt is on medicaid or SSI, she could lose benefits if she receives an inheritance.
How did you find out what is in your mother's will? If Mother told you, did you ask her why she is doing it this way?