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Answer these questions... Is your home set up to SAFELY care for dad now and as he declines? Are there stairs? Is there carpet? Are there wide halls? Is there a bathroom that can SAFELY be used, can you get equipment into the bathroom, can at least 3 people be in the bathroom and have room to do what needs to be done? Can you or he afford to hire caregivers? One person can NOT care for someone 24/7/365 Do you know that he will not be able to walk after a while, he will be confined to a wheelchair, then bed. Are you ready to bathe him, clean him after he soils himself? And the furniture he was sitting on. He will stop talking. He will stop being able to eat solid food then you will have to thicken liquids because he will aspirate on thinner liquids. Eventually he will stop eating and drinking.
Are you ready for a legal battle. Obviously "someone" placed him in the "nursing home" Whoever has the legal right to do that is the one that is making medical and financial decisions for him. You will have to petition the court to become his Guardian. An expensive time consuming task. The court will want some evidence that the home that you will provide is better than where he is. You may also have to prove that placing him in the nursing home was not in his best interest. tough things to prove.
Watching your dad decline, accepting the fact that you can not make him better is difficult. What I do suggest you do is visit as much as you can for as long as you can. Thank him for being the dad that you have. If you read a lot of the posts here you understand that you are very lucky to have a dad that is kind and good, the kind of dad you want to care for. And he is very lucky to have a daughter that WANTS to care for him. And if you have other family members they are hurting just as much as you are. If possible support each other through this. Dementia is not a fast decline and whoever has been his primary caregiver for the past XXX years has placed your dad when they no longer felt that caring for him at home was safe for either of them. It is a VERY difficult decision, one that is not reached overnight. Sorry if this and other responses are not the easy answer you wanted.
Ok...I posted this then I read your response to some of the replies. So you don't have a legal battle..as you are the one that placed him in the nursing home. BUT I do stand by the statement that Placing him in a nursing home was done because it was in his best interest. And that is was NOT an easy decision that you made overnight. I am guessing that if you think about it nothing has changed other than you are no longer a "hands on caregiver" and that you have been able to enjoy the time you have with dad rather than trying to care for him. If you want to spend more time with him, and if you can become a Volunteer where he is. I am sure they could use help. Or if you are not working and would want to start another career take a Certificate Course, become a Certified CNA and get a job helping people like your dad. If your dad is cared for where he is, likes the staff, likes the residents be happy with that. This is about HIM not you.
I feel for you. Felt the same with my Dad. His behaviors at home were out if control. He became a sexual predator to my mom when nobody was around. He put her in harmful situations. The day he came after me and even denied having a daughter, did not know who I was, then started swinging a cane at me, was his last day home. I had to call 911 then the next day my siblings and mom signed him into a memory care facility. 5 years after his death I still carry guilt over being the one to call 911, which ended his home time. I know what was best was done but you can't reason with the guilt. It's just human nature coming from a place of great love. I would spend 4 days with him a week and volunteered for all the homes activities. Dad didn't want no parts of activities if I didn't take him. After his death I was asked to work there in activities 2 days a week. I was hired and stayed there as an employee for 14 mos. It was a great experience as I fell in love with so many while Dad was there. The birth of my first grandchild was the day I quit to become nanny while my daughter worked. Went from 90 somethings to newborn. I wouldn't trade my time at the nursing home for anything. It was a great experience for me after Dad was gone. Good luck to you, sounds like your doing a great job. Don't second guess yourself.
Appears to be some deep rooted codependency going on here. Talk to him every two hours and visit daily, wow, how do you have time to live your life?
And, how can he adjust to his surroundings and his new way of life with you hovering over him 24/7?
I am glad that therapy is helping you, keep going as there will be even more hurdles to jump over in the future, as most likely, one day you will have to live your life without your father. Then what?
Decisions should be made with your head and not your heart. I see you're taking your father out of the NH to bring him to your home because your are having guilt feeling and not because of a medical advantage for him. People tend to remedy guilt feelings with self-punishment and this is what you're doing. Hopefully, your father won't suffer any health consequences during your guilt's self-treatment. People who tend to have guilt feelings, will always have them. Self-punishment won't clean you up from guilt. That's a problem that has nothing to do with our father.
Thank you everyone for your kind words I was indeed having a really rough night last night. I placed my father in a nursing home last year because I could no longer care for him in my home. The experience with the nursing home has mostly been a positive one their have been ups and downs to the place but I feel that this is to be expected . My father likes the people there and I do too. However I am suffering a lot with guilt and sadness from placing him even though I know it was in both our best interests . I am not going to take him from the nursing home because I believe many of you are right I would have to put him right back and that would be a terrible experience for the both of us . After my mother died and even when she was alive we took care of her together (she had frontal lobe dementia ) we were very very close . I see my dad every other day or everyday if I can I love to go play games with him like bingo and trivia we talk on the phone all the time I call every 2 hours or he’ll call me . It’s just very very hard . I have a therapist and life coach and both are very helpful . Thank you everyone again for responding to me I often come on this site to see other peoples questions and answers and it helps me feel not so alone in the realm of care giving . God bless you all . Caregivers are special people all of your loved ones are extraordinary blessed to have you . 💗
"I need my dad" should not be the reason you move him from managed care back home.
HIS needs should come first, not yours. This is about HIS needs, not yours.
Where is HE going to get the quality of care that HE requires? In your home with you doing all the 24/7 caregiving? Or in his nursing home where teams of people work in shifts to accomplish what you are trying to do single handedly?
What you 'want' to do and what you 'should' do may be two entirely different matters.
Remember that you can go visit him every single day in the NH if you so desire. And that you'll never 'lose' your father until he passes away, and even then, he'll be with you in spirit.
Best of luck making a decision that takes your father's best interests to heart.
I suspect Maria was just venting, knows she can't bring him home, and isn't going to return to this thread to see our answers. Just a hunch, but I could be wrong. No judgment here.
Mariavictoria30, please note, with Alzheimer's/Dementia, the person you knew won't still be the same person. Alzheimer's/Dementia robs the person of memories and personality. It never gets better, only worse. So sorry to read that your Dad is only 75, that is so young to be going through this.
Curious what was the reason that your Dad was placed in a nursing home? I know for my Mom [late 90's], there would have been no way for her to get the same type of professional care at home. She now needed a village to help her as she was a constant fall risk, thus a danger to herself.
Maria has only posted 2x before this once in 2020 and once in Nov 2021.
Maria, I read your very first post and you were having a very hard time dealing with Dads Dementia. You placed him in November. I suggest you read your first post and the replies then ur Nov post.
As I see it, you had a very hard time dealing with Dads Dementia and stubbornness. In two years I doubt if he is any better. As a newly wed I really don't think it would be a good thing to bring him back to your home. Caring for someone with a Dementia is hard on a longtime marriage, on a new one it would be a disaster. Its really hard to get good help since COVID.
You have dealt with so much for a person of your age. First Mom to Dementia and now Dad. I can see why you want to hang on. But Dad is not the Dad who raised you. Nothing can bring that man back. The person Dad is now needs more care than any one person can give him. Visit, hug him, love him but let him be cared for by people who are trained to do the job.
I agree, that maybe you need to see a therapist. Just someone to talk to.
According to your profile, it looks like there was a point in time that you cared for your dad in your home. I can only guess that it got to be too much for you that he was placed in a nursing home. What makes you think that things will be any different now, as his dementia will only continue to get worse? It sounds like you're having second thoughts and perhaps even some guilt for placing him, am I right? First I will say that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You tried to care for him in your home and it obviously didn't work. I think what you're actually feeling is grief instead. Grief that he's no longer the man you knew as your dad, grief that there's nothing you can do to stop this horrendous disease and grief that you're slowly but surely losing him. Perhaps it may be time to seek out some professional therapy or counseling to help you through this trying time. May God bless you and keep you.
Maria, I can understand you angst and concern. But additional information would help us help you work through this. You say "I just wanna take my dad home from his nursing home I don’t want him there anymore I can’t do this anymore I need my dad" As gently as I can say this...those all sound like things that you want. What does your dad want? And more importantly what does your dad NEED? If he is in a SNF he has a high level of need that is difficult to replicate at home without a great deal of help. It is next to impossible with just one person and not sustainable for very long. You sound like you want to be with your dad. Is his situation in his current SNF bad, is the care substandard? Are you feeling guilty for not taking care of him at home? There are so many thoughts that pop into my head when someone says they need someone. But at this point if he is somewhere safe and getting good care, perhaps that is what he needs. Can you spend more time visiting with him there? I know it is hard when they get to that point of decline. But bringing him home might be more than you realize at this point and might even necessitate taking him back which would be even more difficult and confusing for him and hard on both of you. I urge you to really consider why you want this. It isn't wrong to want him home with you. But it may the wrong move to take him home if he is safe and settled.
@Mariavictoria - I understand your pain. I just moved my mother back home - unexpectedly - with me and my husband after 5 months in memory care. I wish I could tell you definitively to move him or not to move him, but you're going to need to make some hard assessments before making any move. Some questions to consider: What is your most pressing reason for wanting him home? Is the care facility not performing up to your standard of care? Is his health declining? Are you considering his health condition and its impact on your quality of life once he's home? Have you considered any alternative solutions? Will you be able to provide him a safe space? I hope that whatever decision you make, it will be with the goal of improving or maintaining HIS health condition and not so much about assuaging your feelings or emotions. ❤️
Were you caring for him before he went in? If not, who made the decision to transition into a facility? Why do you "need" your dad? Aren't you an at least 30+ years old? Do you have an actual question? More information would be helpful.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is your home set up to SAFELY care for dad now and as he declines?
Are there stairs?
Is there carpet?
Are there wide halls?
Is there a bathroom that can SAFELY be used, can you get equipment into the bathroom, can at least 3 people be in the bathroom and have room to do what needs to be done?
Can you or he afford to hire caregivers? One person can NOT care for someone 24/7/365
Do you know that he will not be able to walk after a while, he will be confined to a wheelchair, then bed.
Are you ready to bathe him, clean him after he soils himself? And the furniture he was sitting on.
He will stop talking.
He will stop being able to eat solid food then you will have to thicken liquids because he will aspirate on thinner liquids.
Eventually he will stop eating and drinking.
Are you ready for a legal battle.
Obviously "someone" placed him in the "nursing home"
Whoever has the legal right to do that is the one that is making medical and financial decisions for him.
You will have to petition the court to become his Guardian. An expensive time consuming task.
The court will want some evidence that the home that you will provide is better than where he is.
You may also have to prove that placing him in the nursing home was not in his best interest.
tough things to prove.
Watching your dad decline, accepting the fact that you can not make him better is difficult.
What I do suggest you do is visit as much as you can for as long as you can.
Thank him for being the dad that you have. If you read a lot of the posts here you understand that you are very lucky to have a dad that is kind and good, the kind of dad you want to care for. And he is very lucky to have a daughter that WANTS to care for him.
And if you have other family members they are hurting just as much as you are. If possible support each other through this. Dementia is not a fast decline and whoever has been his primary caregiver for the past XXX years has placed your dad when they no longer felt that caring for him at home was safe for either of them. It is a VERY difficult decision, one that is not reached overnight.
Sorry if this and other responses are not the easy answer you wanted.
Ok...I posted this then I read your response to some of the replies.
So you don't have a legal battle..as you are the one that placed him in the nursing home. BUT I do stand by the statement that Placing him in a nursing home was done because it was in his best interest. And that is was NOT an easy decision that you made overnight.
I am guessing that if you think about it nothing has changed other than you are no longer a "hands on caregiver" and that you have been able to enjoy the time you have with dad rather than trying to care for him.
If you want to spend more time with him, and if you can become a Volunteer where he is. I am sure they could use help.
Or if you are not working and would want to start another career take a Certificate Course, become a Certified CNA and get a job helping people like your dad.
If your dad is cared for where he is, likes the staff, likes the residents be happy with that. This is about HIM not you.
And, how can he adjust to his surroundings and his new way of life with you hovering over him 24/7?
I am glad that therapy is helping you, keep going as there will be even more hurdles to jump over in the future, as most likely, one day you will have to live your life without your father. Then what?
Take care of you!
HIS needs should come first, not yours. This is about HIS needs, not yours.
Where is HE going to get the quality of care that HE requires? In your home with you doing all the 24/7 caregiving? Or in his nursing home where teams of people work in shifts to accomplish what you are trying to do single handedly?
What you 'want' to do and what you 'should' do may be two entirely different matters.
Remember that you can go visit him every single day in the NH if you so desire. And that you'll never 'lose' your father until he passes away, and even then, he'll be with you in spirit.
Best of luck making a decision that takes your father's best interests to heart.
Curious what was the reason that your Dad was placed in a nursing home? I know for my Mom [late 90's], there would have been no way for her to get the same type of professional care at home. She now needed a village to help her as she was a constant fall risk, thus a danger to herself.
Maria, I read your very first post and you were having a very hard time dealing with Dads Dementia. You placed him in November.
I suggest you read your first post and the replies then ur Nov post.
As I see it, you had a very hard time dealing with Dads Dementia and stubbornness. In two years I doubt if he is any better. As a newly wed I really don't think it would be a good thing to bring him back to your home. Caring for someone with a Dementia is hard on a longtime marriage, on a new one it would be a disaster. Its really hard to get good help since COVID.
You have dealt with so much for a person of your age. First Mom to Dementia and now Dad. I can see why you want to hang on. But Dad is not the Dad who raised you. Nothing can bring that man back. The person Dad is now needs more care than any one person can give him. Visit, hug him, love him but let him be cared for by people who are trained to do the job.
I agree, that maybe you need to see a therapist. Just someone to talk to.
It's OK to miss him. To feel sad. It takes time to adjust to changes. Be kind to yourself through the process.
What makes you think that things will be any different now, as his dementia will only continue to get worse?
It sounds like you're having second thoughts and perhaps even some guilt for placing him, am I right? First I will say that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You tried to care for him in your home and it obviously didn't work. I think what you're actually feeling is grief instead. Grief that he's no longer the man you knew as your dad, grief that there's nothing you can do to stop this horrendous disease and grief that you're slowly but surely losing him.
Perhaps it may be time to seek out some professional therapy or counseling to help you through this trying time.
May God bless you and keep you.
You say "I just wanna take my dad home from his nursing home I don’t want him there anymore I can’t do this anymore I need my dad"
As gently as I can say this...those all sound like things that you want. What does your dad want? And more importantly what does your dad NEED? If he is in a SNF he has a high level of need that is difficult to replicate at home without a great deal of help. It is next to impossible with just one person and not sustainable for very long.
You sound like you want to be with your dad. Is his situation in his current SNF bad, is the care substandard? Are you feeling guilty for not taking care of him at home?
There are so many thoughts that pop into my head when someone says they need someone. But at this point if he is somewhere safe and getting good care, perhaps that is what he needs. Can you spend more time visiting with him there? I know it is hard when they get to that point of decline. But bringing him home might be more than you realize at this point and might even necessitate taking him back which would be even more difficult and confusing for him and hard on both of you.
I urge you to really consider why you want this. It isn't wrong to want him home with you. But it may the wrong move to take him home if he is safe and settled.