Hello,
I am an only child in my 30's, living out of state for over 15 years. My parents divorced when I was in college and my relationship with my mom has been strained ever since. We are not close but as the only child I have dreaded the day that I would need to step in with aging care. It seemed far off but in the last 4 months she has fallen (broke a shoulder), moved to ALF (I single-handedly cleaned and sold her condo in the aftermath. She is a lifelong hoarder so this was no small feat.), had a UTI and was hospitalized and went to rehab as a result, experienced extreme delirium and hallucinations in the hospital which led to a move to a different ALF facility (one that accommodates memory care as well as hospice, thankfully), and as of this week was back in the hospital for weakness and "inability to ambulate". She has Parkinson's Disease (now with Dementia) and Type 2 Diabetes, and she has not been proactive in her taking care of her health or planning for her future since the diagnosis 12 years ago.
I have made 3 emergency trips since December to take care of the aforementioned moves but now my family on the ground is asking if I am in a position to FLMA to be with my mom during this rapid decline. I am a working professional in a job that I love, with a partner and life that I've created in NYC. I am managing my mom's finances and care remotely (she is safe and being cared for by professionals at the facility) but I will not uproot my life just to watch her deteriorate. It may sound selfish or harsh but how do I effectively communicate this to my family? Side note: I am not close to these extended family members so I understand that they do not know me very well. That said, it is a major assumption on their part that I would be in a financial position to, let alone want to, take FMLA in this situation.
Any input here would be appreciated.
Thank you.
She is being well taken care of. That alone is reason to keep doing things as you have been and tell these busy bodies to f-ck off.
Cut off all contact with family members who keep pressuring you to do this. You dont owe them any explanation.
When and if the time comes that your mom is nearing death you can then make the decision(if you want to)to go say your final goodbyes.
It sounds like you're doing a great job from afar, and if you're happy with that then leave well enough alone.
In my family, we don't "do" deathbed stuff. We say goodbye each time knowing it could be the last. If you are at peace with mom, feel comfortable not taking more time off.
I might consider a short weekend visit, but not an extended stay.
Ignore these family members. As u say, you hardly know them. Just block them from calling you. If you need to say anything say "I am handling this the best way I can. I am not uprooting myself. If u feel my Mom needs more than I am willing to give, you have my permission to seek guardianship." Its called throwing it back at them. You owe them no explanations. Probably will never hear from them again once Mom passes. Your future is important. No need to give it all up for one person. You have done enough.
As to the home? Likely it will be condemned as the homes of most hoarders end up.
Only you can decide for your own life. I absolutely would not do this. Who is asking you to? If that extended family living near and involved with your Mom wish to take on her care then they should. You have not had a good relationship with her, but I would be advising you the SAME if you had. It is difficult enough to take on POA and Trustee, guardianship, whatever for a COOPERATIVE, pleasant and organized person. I know. I did it for my brother.
I think you should take a leave to visit your Mom and to speak with her, to let her know you will not be taking on her elder care, to supply her with numbers to call when in need. If I found squalid conditions I would report her to APS. I would tell them that I DO NOT INTEND TO take on POA for her, nor to act as guardian. I would tell them that if the judge her incompetent they will need to place her in the guardianship of the state. I would during that visit make that clear to extended family.
That is what I personally would do. I suggest also that you read Liz Scheier's excellent memoir, Never Simple, about her DECADES long attempt to care for her mother with the help of the social services of city/state of New York. Nothing worked and much of her life was wasted in attempting it.
We do not get to choose our parents. We are, as children, subject to their limitations. There is utterly no reason that, because whether by accident or choice they had you, you in turn must sacrifice your quality life to their limitations.
I am sorry if this sounds cruel. As a nurse, to me it is realistic. Sadly. You will be judged. You will have to EMBRACE that, smile and move on. And again, I am so sorry.
Your obligation is to take care of yourself and live your best life.
If it seems harsh to others, that's the way it is.
No one knows what has gone on in the home of a person's family of origin. Some families present a picture that is far from the truth. Often people judge those who choose to pull away from that dysfunction, and they know not what they judge.
Your mom is well cared for where she is. Let it be.
No matter how much of your time you give to caring for your Mom...she will need even more care the very next day.
Believe me...I went through it.
At the end of the day...you can only do what you have the energy and spirit to do. Remember..you have a family of your own that you've built with your partner... and if you sacrifice that for caregiving....then you will be left alone after your mother dies....whilst the rest of your extended families go home to their loved ones.
You are doing a fantastic job so far. You can visit your Mom as often as you feel you can manage. But do not let people who are comfortable in their own lives pressure you to uproot yours.
IF the family makes a decision to spend more personal time with your Mother... then EVERYONE should do it; not just you.
My husband was so upset by our family buttinsky that I posted about it: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/fils-showtiming-with-family-at-christmas-and-new-years-eve-has-thrown-the-plans-to-downsize-him-into-478977.htm?orderby=recent
"Thank you for your concern. I am well aware of mom's decline and I am in contact with her care providers."
"I am not going to discuss decisions I am making, have made with you (or anyone) at this time"
"I am glad that you can visit mom every day, I am sure she is also grateful"
A few other things you can do.
Do not answer the phone unless you want to.
Let messages go to voicemail and respond if and when you feel like it.
Do not let anyone "guilt" you into making a decision that you do not want to make.
FMLA is not the be all and end all to taking personal time from you job that many think it is. It is wonderful for those that are retired to say take FMLA but it is not that easy.
Keep your backbone stiff and stick to your boundaries!
Excellent ... on point... and shows self-empowerment.
I appreciate your clarity. And dialogue options to consider.
Do they feel sorry for your Mother? Sure.
But is it about Mother..? Or about them? Would they feel nicer if they can picture you sitting holding her hand? 🤔
Just keep on what you're doing and ignore the clown show.
They are those who think they have solution to everything as long as it does not involve them directly.
My husband has Parkinson with no dementia for at least 8 years, diagnosed in 2015, but, suspect it began well before that. After hip fracture and subsequent surgery and then two additional for his back, nothing is better if not worse, even with 2 years of physio, 3 therapists each promising great results i.e. he will walk independently, which does not happen only gets worse.
His motor skills are diminishing greatly and there are other concerns as well. But, some live long with Parkinson, in your mother’s case could be years and years.
Your Mom is in right place, you cannot put your life on hold.
Dismiss the feedback of others unless it’s someone who you know well and it resonates with you. Consider their opinions as background noise and just focus on taking care of yourself and making a decision you know is healthiest. You said you and your mother have had a strained relationship over the years without knowing if there was any abuse or mistreatment from her or not there must be a unhealthy dynamic that has caused you to keep some space. Perhaps there’s a degree you feel ok being involved and know what your limits are especially since it sounds like there was a unhealthy dynamic over the years.
Continue to take care of yourself and your life. Honestly it is not their business to tell you what to do.
Don't reply with anything insinuating you don't want to. All that does is create more drama and no one needs it.
I love the "zinger" mentioned above as a response when folks tell you that you should FMLA and be there. "I am glad that you can visit mom every day, I am sure she is also grateful." Because, well, yeah, sure they visit EVERY day. We all know that most likely isn't happening.
You are already taking care of her remotely. Where are these family members that think you should be there?
you're the only one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions: whether you feel you should go or not.
only you know all the details, not us here on the forum.
only you know what feels right with your values, your situation, your finances.
someone in the world might advise you to go; someone might advise you not to. the fact is, you're the one who will have to live with whatever you decide.
hug!! ❤️🙂
just as an example:
1. i have a dear friend who couldn't stop working; needed the money. elderly parents were dying. they all lived in the same small town. she visited her parents, but not often. the parents died 1 week later. now she cries a lot: she told me, if she had known it would happen so fast, she would have visited more, but there was no way to know, it looked like it would last for months.
--she has no regrets, because there was no way she could have guessed how long it would be.
2. i have another friend who took time off work, to help his dying mother. she died 6 months later. it set him back financially a lot.
--he has no regrets.
This might be an opportunity for you to plan your retirement and last years of life with guidance from a great attorney.