I live in another state and my local family is pressuring me to uproot my life to be with mom in final days/weeks/months. What do I do?

I will say one more thing…my husband and I uprooted our lives and moved 2,500 miles to go take care of Mom and Dad when he got cancer and she was on dialysis, despite the fact that I had a sister who only lived 5 miles from them. My sister refused to take care of them, so we left home and business and moved. It’s turned into a 3-1/2 years caretaking job. It was very difficult, I won’t say it wasn’t, and there were many problems between us. My Mom and I were never very good at getting along and she was quite narcissistic. Medically she fell often and needed many hospital trips plus dialysis 3 times a week. For those 3-1/2 years, Hubby and I lived with burnout and practically no life of our own. Our Motorhome that we dreamed of traveling in when we retired sat parked, and right at the very end, when Mom passed, I found out I had stage 4 cancer. We never got to live our own dream because now I need so much medical attention, surgeries etc…..and actually I have not been given long to live. BUT, even if I had know that ahead of time, I would have done exactly the same thing and took care of Mom and Dad. As a Christian I believe it is the only right thing to do. No one wants to be in a nursing home and, unless in case of full blown dementia or severe medical issues, I don’t believe putting your parents in a nursing facility is ever a good choice. They took care of us when we were children and I’m sure it was quite “inconvenient” for them to do so. I will never regret the decision to come care for them. I know this opinion is probably not popular in this day and age, but I can live whatever life I have left with a clear conscience that neither of my parents ever had to be in a facility. If medically they had to be on one, at least I would have been there for them as much as possible. I am not in any way trying to sound sanctimonious, this is just my humble and honest opinion.

Don't do it. The reason why they want you to do it is so that they don't have to do it. Don't give in to their guilt. You don't have to give them a reason. Just say "thank you for your input".

...and continue to do what you are doing...

Agree with Chopped Liver. Don't do it.
* You are doing a lot already.
* Do not allow anyone to pressure you.
* Give yourself credit for all that you are doing.
* See if your mom is entitled to social worker or geriatric case manager - anyone that could help out with day-to-day or monthly needs.

* I do realize you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Emotionally and otherwise. It is a difficult position to be in. STILL. You deserve a life and you have one. Keep it, honor it, nurture it.

* Be aware of what I call martyrs here. . . Don't fall for this guilt tripping.
They do present themselves here. (I just read through all the posts to you and it appears 100% of us feel the same way - I am proud of us ! )

Definition: • a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or 
distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration: 
she wanted to play the martyr.

You do what you feel in your gut is right for you, your family, your life.
Do not be a martyr.

The situation is further complicated (or not...) due to having a strained relationship with your mother.

Guilt may project its ugly head now and then. Get therapist / support to deal with this - by all means. Do not uproot yourself.

And ... to those who 'encourage you' or 'ask you' to uproot yourself . . . what are they doing to help your mom? Who are these people. In other words, reflect their words back to them. If you need to role play the conversation with your significant other or a friend first, do that. Come from a place of inner-power.

And, private message me if you need more support. I will certainly give it to you.

Gena / Touch Matters

brooklynkitty: Do not uproot your life as your mother is in an ALF.

I’d say you are doing an excellent job. Imagine the spot your mom would be in if you hadn’t developed your career, making you financially able to help her. Visit when you can, and encourage those other “caring” relatives to do the same. Do what you can with a peaceful heart, and don’t drift into martyrdom (I love how often that has been mentioned). This is my first response, and I’ve had a horrible day with my mom, so maybe I shouldn’t be chiming in, ha…

What does your gut say?

Why not take a leave of absence from your job for a month and go?

The law says you can have some paid time to care for an elder parent.

You may regret not doing it after she passes away.

Once you are on the ground assessing the situation with no distraction of a job ., you will see if there may be alternatives ( should it take more than a month) .

it doesn’t have to be “uprooting”. You can have a different mindset than that.

Good luck

Your mom is in ALF . Visit only if you want to. There is no reason to take a month long leave of absence from your job . She is being taken care of . FMLA is unpaid leave .

Your local family is pressuring you. They have their own agenda. You have been carrying out your agenda which did not include what they are suggesting but included a whole lot of other work which they did not help with.

Looking at regrets was a good thing for me when my mother passed. According to her wishes her ashes were buried on the other side of the country. I had done all the POA and health proxy work. She had a mental illness so our relationship was not easy. I decided not to go for the interment of her ashes. My sister went.

A friend pressured me to go and I asked why. They said so you will have no regrets. My answer was that without doubt I would have no regrets from not going. I might have regrets from going. I didn't go and I have absolutely no regrets.

Incidentally, I did most of my caregiving from a distance too. When I got "the" call from the nursing home I flew there and saw my mother. She recognized me. The next day the roads were black ice and buses were in the ditch. I called the NH and said I couldn't come because of the roads. They said she had just passed peacefully. I was fine with that.

My view is that others have no business pressuring you. You are not selfish. You are looking after yourself, which you need to do.

Im in almost the same boat, but with no partner or family nearby. I don't have an answer, but can empathize more than you know. I have had to give up everything & am now considering hospice, based on doc suggestions. It's awful not having anyone to help me with decisions. Going to AL doesn't mean we're off the hook as someone is still responsible for getting to/from docs, making decisions, etc. If youre an only, doesnt that mean you? Jeez, im sorry. For us both.🤞🥺♥️

I had to double check and make sure I hadn't written this post! I identify with everything, including the family pressure to be there for my mother who is 98 and in hospice in assisted living....but who hasn't died when expected, and is still going (relatively) strong. I cared for her remotely for 7 years from NYC, But when she had to go to AL last summer, and then was admitted to the hospice level this fall, I got a lot of pressure from a (remote, uninvolved) family member to do more. We had a furious blowout argument about his lack of participation over the years. But the bottom line is no other siblings (including him) could or would be there for her.
So last fall, when my husband and I went out to see her in hospice, I saw her in emotional despair, and I couldn't bring myself to leave. Even though she's still hanging on, it's clear this is the last year of her life, and I felt I couldn't live with the regret if I left her to the devices of the ALF. Even the best places provide cursory care and need to be watched.
So basically I took the paid family leave New York offers (yes, in NYS it is Paid If you can get the hospice to qualify you and I was able to and got 12 weeks at about 950 dollars a week)... and then went on unemployment thanks to a very helpful employer.
I moved out temporarily to our hometown to care for her thanks to a very understanding and supportive husband. I never thought I would do that.
I found out this message board a lot of support for just leaving her to the care of the facility, but ultimately it was a decision I made based on what I could live with in the long run (I basically ignored my dad the last years of his life, and the regret plunged me into a 2 year depression).
Everyone has to make their own decision...I won't deny this decision has upended my life. My first instinct to just get on with my life and let her suffer the consequences of living a long life (we also had a very complicated relationship with resentment and codependency and some affection) morphed into any entirely different decision to move back to my hometown and manage her care when I saw her suffering emotionally.
It's been very, very hard upending my life. I won't recommend one way or the other because this is a decision you have to make yourself. I just empathize with you as I've been there.
I never expected to give up my life for this period of time; the only thing is I don't want to live with the regrets I had after ignoring my father, and that's why I'm here. Whatever decision you make, be kind to yourself. We have a right to live out lives free from the consequences of others' choices. Just in my case, I made the decision to stay with her based on what I could live with at the time.
I won't deny I'm just waiting for her to die and it's taken longer than I expected. I try to remember this is not forever and I won't regret my choice. But everyone has to make their own based on what they can handle. Just I found out I could handle more than I thought I could.
And as much as I miss my life, I know I will get it back. Seeing my mother thrive since I've been here, I know I've made a difference. But yes there is the price of leaving my "other" life ( and also financial pressure). I just don't want to have regrets. That's a higher price than any financial cost; that I know from experience from ignoring my father at the end of his life. I don't want to ever feel that again.

Are any of these extended family members losing time off from work to sit and watch Mom deteriorate? Why do they feel like they can tell you what you should be doing? You don't owe them any explanations either way. You just tell them that your mother is being taken care of, and your work/living agenda is between you and your partner.

It’s really not about your mother or your family pressuring you. Your mother is being cared for and you don’t need to take family leave if you don’t choose to. This is about you. What it comes down to is if you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay with yourself. That is what is important here.

This is going to sound harsh to some, but when my dad had dementia, and was refusing help (even though he needed to be in a home), my internal mantra (not always so internal....) was "I'm not giving up my future for his present".

Really simplifiying last years events I will say that I still did what I could for him (still working 40-55 hours a week, and driving 3.5 hours one way to assist him sometimes weekly). I finally got him placed near me in an adult family home where I could visit him (maybe that's a solution for you...? Semi-near if you are in an expensive place...?) I still ended up gaining 30 pounds in a year what with work and helping him.

You have to think of your future, and your husband first. You have a job you love. If you leave it will you regret it for years to come? Will you even be able to get a good paying job again? Some find they cannot due to their age and the economy. Would moving to help her stress your marriage (how could it NOT?).

It is always stressful helping an elderly parent, and it sounds like you have already gone above and beyond what some do for a parent they never were close to (NOT saying it was wrong at all to do the things you did, just being realistic...not all kids would even lift a finger).

Regarding all of the people who are giving you grief, there is a great book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. People will walk all over you, and when you finally put up boundaries they will sometimes throw a fit, be angry, etc., but that's on them. You need to do what is healthy for you! You can't allow stress to overtake your life and health, because sometimes it's irreversible.

I have not read all of the other posts, but I'm sure you have gotten lots of good advice. This is a great, supportive, forum.

I really hope I don't need to help my mom much (health wise). My parents divorced when I was not even a teenager. I never was very close to her, she did not save for retirement, never attempted to re-marry, is a hoarder, and likes to ask people to do things for her. She tells others "thank you", but rarely every thanks me...usually only if I say something to her about it. I've been supporting her financially for over 20 years now, as her social security wouldn't even pay for the cheapest rent. She "bought" the family home her parents left to her and 3 siblings, made payments for maybe 3 years, ran out of money, and now I've basically made all the payments on it since 2003...after paying off her credit cards. Yes, I've been a stupid idiotic enabler, and yes, I have promissary notes, and deeds of trust on the house so I know I can get my money back at some point, but still she and the house are like a big money pit.

Also, she complains about everything I buy her...."how come my computer (or phone, or whatever) doesn't do THAT?" ...and to me she is very narcissistic. Any time you bring up yourself or someone else as a topic, she changes it to herself asap.

Everyone else absolutely loves her (or so they act), but after spending ~$200k supporting her over the last 20+ years, I feel like she is a leach. Horrible to say about your parent, I know, but it's how I feel. But what do I do, let her become homeless at 86 years old?

I really am not trying to hijack the thread. I only wrote the above to say that for MANY different reasons not all of us love our parents, but we do what in good conscience we feel we need to do. Sounds like brooklynkitty has already done that...likely will continue to.

I certainly would not be one to lay a guilt trip on her or say she HAS to do anything that puts her job, marriage, or health (mental or physical) in jeopardy to assist a parent that she is not close to.

As a 72 yr old..helping my 89yr old mom I say NO! Do NOT dismantle a good life to take care of her. I would never ask or want my daughter to give up her life to take care of me and our relationship is good. Ignore the family nonsense. You are meeting her needs. Your emergency trips are adequate..My mom moved near me when she got older so she would not uproot my life anymore than need be…good luck!

I always find it interesting how easy it is for OTHERS to tell someone that THEY need to uproot their lives or that THEY need to step in and care for someone. While standing (or sitting) by and doing....what again?

Of course your local family members are telling you (the child) that it is your responsibility to step in and take care of her. That gives them the sense that they have contributed to helping her - because they are adamant that SOMEONE must - without actually DOING anything (well except attempting to make you feel guilty about something that you should have no guilt about to begin with). They have come to believe that someone has to step in and that someone has to be there - but that someone is not going to be them obviously - so that someone must be of course...you. People like to make all kinds of life choices...for other people. It's a heck of a lot easier!

As far as what YOU should do? What do you want to do? What works for your life? At some point you may want to go, if she deteriorates to the point of hospice and maybe only has a few weeks. But rapid decline does not imminent demise mean. And you have already done a lot, for someone that you already have a strained relationship with in the first place. Sure you have FMLA. But your mom is in good hands. What exactly do they think you would be doing there with your mom that THEY can't do with her? She is already having her physical needs met. If they want someone to visit with her - that's something THEY can easily do if they are local. If they are so very concerned they can check in on her.

My other thought on this is what I told my SIL and my husband. We are getting ready to move my FIL to a SNF. We already know he is going to blow our phones up day and night. BIL and I just won't answer. But SIL and DH will feel obligated to answer every time. I've been coaching them - he will call for everything under the sun. Nothing will ever be an emergency. If there is a TRUE emergency the facility will call. So I will give you the same advice. If there is something you NEED to know - the ALF will contact you if they have concerns. They will let you know if there is a need for you to come.

Additionally - if you were to blow through your FMLA right now - it's April. If you started right this second - you would only get through June before you ran out of federally protected job guarantee (and I don't know how your job works but that's not necessarily all paid either. Depending on whether you have some kind of paid family leave or PTO or something like that) That barely gets you through the middle of the year. Your mom could rally (especially if you were to visit for an extended period of time), she could linger on in a state of decline for multiple years, you just never know. And if you use the FMLA for this year now, you might not have it when you really need it later in the year.

This is a job you love, that you worked hard for. And they are asking you to drop your entire life and move there to do what exactly? Sit by her bed and wait? You would still need to work, find a home etc. That doesn't even account for your partner and having to uproot their life. How much more time would you really spend with her? And a "temporary" situation can become permanent faster than you can imagine.

My other thought - has she sent "flying monkeys" to get you? Has she put them up to this? Is that something she would do? Or could do?

I am new to the forum, posted 1st time last week. Everyone gave me good advice & I learned a lot from the kind people here. While my question concerned my husband, I do know some thing about taking care of parents. My family is very close so when my Dad & Mom were Ill my sister & I took care of them in our homes. Both were still active until about 9 months before Dad died & 1 month in my Mom’s case. They had good lives. Between Dad’s death & Mom’s my sister’s husband also died after a long illness. It was tough, losing 3 loved ones in the span of a few years but we managed. We had about 4 good years & then my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s & Lewey Body Dementia. I have said all that to give you some context. Since my husband was diagnosed I have had a pulmonary embolism & heart trouble resulting in 2 operations within a 2 month period. Maybe I would have had these problems anyway but my stress has been through the roof as anyone would have. You are much younger than I ( I’m 71 ) but if you take this on take care of yourself & do it only if you want to. If you go into it with resentment it could possibly affect your health. I would never try 2 tell you what to do, believe me I have lots of problems even without resentment so I am definitely not qualified to preach to you. Just know that even with your Mom in a facility it will be hard. If you decide to go, take care of yourself. Which ever way you choose don’t let other’s chose for you. I have been grateful to have been with my parents when they died because that is where I wanted to be. I hope to be there when my husband passes away but of course I could go first. Just think about this long & hard & do what you choose to do, don’t let others choose for you. After all you are the one that will live with your decision not them,whatever that choice may be. Either way I hope you make the right choice for yourself.

I don't have an answer. I'm just chiming in because I'm in a similar boat. My mom is two hours away (admittedly, a lot closer than your mom), but still far enough away that my hands are tied in a lot of ways.

I keep hearing, "you should move your mom into your home." I have nowhere to put her. I could put her on my saggy couch in my living room, but she's in pain and that's certainly not going to help.

I feel selfish, but I also just don't want her living with me. I love her, but we haven't always had the best relationship. I also moved my dad in when his health was ailing back when I was an idealistic 24 year old...and I ended up having a nervous breakdown. He's now in assisted living.

My mom is doing ok, relatively speaking, but I know she's scared. She can't drive (unless she skips her pain management), but I got her set up with a ride service called GoGoGrandparent. I do as much as I can remotely. I attend zoom doctors appointments. I'm contact with her nurses. I visit her when I can, and she does occasionally stay with me when she has appointments on my side of the state (which I take her to). I call her every day, sometimes more than once.

I just can't help but feel guilty every time I hear "you should move your mom in," and it sucks. I'm already crying nearly every day about the situation. I'm in therapy. I've started medication.

I've also been at my job less than six months. I work in a volatile industry that is facing a lot of layoffs. I can't just stop my life right now, even if I wanted.

I know that she will end up in assisted living + hospice sooner than later, which will help my guilt. I just wish that people would keep their opinions to themselves, even if they mean well. I'm already dealing with a lot, and I don't need more guilt compounded to the guilt I'm already feeling.

This is a 6 month old post. OP has never responded. Probably time it should be closed for replies.

Family on the ground means exactly WHAT?
Does that mean the family that live there by Mom?
Because in my opinion THEY are the ones who should take this on.
Are you the POA? Did you agree to do the work of guardianship?

I would not take this on. If there are no others close enough in the family to do this I would let the ALF refer your Mom for guardianship of the state. Let them take on this fiduciary duty. As to you stepping in and being there in the "last times" there is utterly now way at present to tell if this is anywhere near "the last days". Your Mom might go on for a decade; who is to say.

I would not leave my state nor take on these duties and would let family "on the ground" know that you yourself are still way too up in the air and away from everything to do this and it is not within your ability to leave your life and your home and your family and job and that you have no intention of doing so. Then leave it to other family members or refer your Mom to the state for their care and assistance.

You have done the responsibilities that are expected of you as her daughter. Whether you get on or not is of no consequence. It’s a lot of work but you seem to be able to cope with the decision making and financial decisions. It’s your job like it or not. Do not uproot your life to be nearer to her. You seem to have ensured she is well cared for. Continue to be her advocate Pay no attention to what others say. Keep doing the right thing old age stinks. Be kind and be business like in your dealings with care decisions

This post is 6 months old. OP has never responded.