I think I'm experiencing burnout. How can I take care of it if I can't leave the apartment as my grandmother needs supervision 24/7?

I'm so glad you told us you are in another country, because tradition and are answers may be so wrong for you.

So with that being said I'm not entirely sure what to say. Is there anyway to talk to your family about getting some time for yourself. Even some time to take a walk. Explain to them that you really need this. I'm wondering if your family belongs to a church, maybe you can tell them you need some to to pray, meditate,

One other thing that helps some people is more understanding of what exactly dementia feels like and learning about dementia helps to feel more empathy towards them and helps with patients.

I hope that was helpful, if you can let us no more about your situation, life and where you live

This must be horribly hard, and you just want to live your life in sure, so sorry

How very sad that your own mother has put the care of HER mother on you, when in fact it is HER responsibility.
You should be either continuing your education at this point in your life or working a full-time job yourself outside your home.
So of course you're burned out. Caregiving for someone is very hard for anyone, especially 24/7.
You MUST figure out ways to get away from your very unhealthy situation, even if it's just to take a walk around your neighborhood, or going to lunch with your friends on occasion, or to church on Sunday.
All caregivers need some kind of respite if they are to continue on, and if they don't get it the stress alone will cause all kinds of physical and mental health issues, so please have a talk with your mother and let her know that number 1, her mother is not your responsibility and number 2, that you are really struggling with having to care for her mother, and it is causing you great stress.
There has to be a better solution for your grandmothers care than you, and your mother needs to be the one to figure out what exactly that is.

I read your reply below. How incredibly selfish that even when your mother is home she does not care that you need a break . She does not want to watch grandma and you are in negotiations to be able to leave and go for walks on weekends .

This whole situation is a new level of wrong . You should not be asking how to take care of this , you should be asking how to run away !!

Have you even graduated from high school? It’s deplorable that your mother robbed you of all these years of a normal childhood all the way now into your twenties . I can’t see how you could have any friends being trapped for years at home . Your mother should be put in jail for making a child an underaged caregiver , servant . You are a slave and should be freed from this .

Your mother has you dependent on her , just like a kidnapped child who gets stuck confined with their captor into adulthood , not knowing how to get out of the situation .

You even come right out and say not to suggest any organizations , because you are a brainwashed kidnapped person . Brainwashed that this is your station in life. It’s NOT. Grandma is not your responsibility.

Brainwashed kidnapped people have been known to be out in the community and still don’t ask for help or go to any agencies or organizations or police stations to be freed. This is where you are , stuck thinking you have to stay in this situation. It’s not normal to say please don’t tell me of any services or organizations that would help you.

Your mother is as sick as your grandmother is. Get out. Leave , don’t tell her where you are going. That is my advice to you.

Your first priority is to get out in order to save your life. Long term, maybe that’s through military service. Maybe you work on an agricultural commune. Maybe you work as crew on a cruise ship. You need experience and your own money, which should never ever go to grandma.

Short term, just disappear the minute mom gets home from work, or on the weekends. I suggest volunteering at a pet shelter or a place with volunteers mostly your age who are female so you learn how to interact with people your age. Or get a weekend job. Avoid romantic entanglements.

Anybody that needs 24/7 care should not be at home. They need to be placed in a facility.

What has happened to you as a child is a form of child abuse. Your mother has removed and cloistered you as slave labor to care for an elder that she herself refused to take responsibility for.

I very much agree with Peggy Sue that the military may give you a real option for saving your life. It will
A) remove you from the situation, and preclude your mother's getting her hands on you.
B) Keep you removed and protected while providing you with an education and opening you to the world at large while providing you with education and skills that will foster independence.
C) During your years of service give you a good way of staying out of your captor's reach while at the same time giving you direction and protection while you raise your head up and look around at the world.
D) Provide you with solid community, guidance, healthcare and therapy.

I ordinarily would not recommend the military to most people. In this unique instance I think it could be a "godsend".

The very thought of a mother who would do to her child what your mother has done to you is--to me--horrifying. I wish you the very best and a safe escape. You have mentioned that you have no certificate of graduation from school and are "in another country". I can only say reach out to the military in that country. Your lack of any graduating certificate has not prevented your being one of the most articulate and well-spoken correspondents on this site; you will be accepted and you will receive the education required, would be my guess.
You ALSO, due to the caregiving you have done are a very qualified care-giver. It would be my guess that you would be hired in any caregiving facility in any country just about on the spot, and from there friends would help you.

You say that this grandmother is 78. Well, one way to look at it is that she has twenty more years left to her. You would be what then? About 40, without education, and with a mother who will be glad to replace your grandmother in all her neediness.
You would be better in a homeless shelter than staring down the barrel of the life they have designated for you, I am thinking, especially--as I said--given your exceptional articulate and communicative skillset.

I'm curious about your gmas aggression? Exactly, is it words or hitting, throwing things?

Is this common in your culture , to remove a CHILD from a normal life and isolate them the way you have been to take care of an elder? Your’s seems an extreme situation for any culture/country.

Your mother won’t even let you go out for a walk.
Tell her you need a break and just leave , go for a walk . What is she going to do about it ? Threaten to kick you out? I think not . Mom needs you there to watch grandma .

I’m so sorry for your situation. I cannot believe a mother could do this to a child.

Please find a way to disentangle yourself. From what you write your mother appears not to care one iota about you. You are only free labor .

A couple of your responses prompt me to ask if you're a citizen of the country where you live? You don't want names of service organizations; but what about the embassy of your birth country? If you are a citizen of where you live, slave labor is - in principle - illegal in every country; would you feel safe seeking rescue?

You've acknowledged that you are in a situation dangerous to your ongoing mental and physical health. You can't help your grandmother if your own health is failing. Although more is needed than weekend/evening outings, those may be opportunities to engage with others who may show you possibilities that won't leave you damaged or disillusioned.

And what about grandma, is her behaviour out of frustration and boredom? If not, are there medications that can calm her? Would SHE like to go out for a walk? Would it be safe? What does her doctor recommend?

Contact the country on your passport. Explain that you were moved overseas and then deprived of education at 13 or 14. The objective is to get a flight, at the very least, from the woman who imprisoned you.

The other thing I would do is utilize social media to fundraise for yourself through gofundme. Pretty much everyone here has heard or lived a million caregiver horror stories, but yours truly is a horror story.

Why don't we start with what country you're in and what country you are actually a citizen of.

If you're in some third-world country and also a citizen of one then no, there's not a lot of options for you.

You obviously have access to the internet and are computer literate, so you should really contact the state department of whatever country is listed on your passport. You can also get some online work too. At least that would mean some money and options for you.

In the meantime, you don't have to take abuse from your grandmother. How dependent is she? If she's too aggressive for a care facility to take her, there needs to be some safety measures taken to keep not just her safe, but you as well.

Get medication to keep her calm. Put a lock on her bedroom door. When she's getting to crazy to handle, lock her in until she quiets down.
Or, you might be doing yourself a favor to let her wander off. Then call the police and let them handle it. If she's as out of it as you say, she'll get put in a secured, locked facility.

I'm glad we could help.

As you told burnt, that you where look for advice on how to handle this. You honestly really can't without breaks. Every human needs relief from caregiving and you have been doing this for years. We would all love to see you get out of this situation, but until then you have to have breaks!!

It sounds like you moved to the country you are in to take care for your grandma, am I correct?

I understand you don't want to share everything, but please stick with us. And maybe you will trust us more. Keep us posted on how things are going so we can help you if we can.

Burn out is a risk we monitor closely with our care team. We all know "you can't pour from an empty vessel". Resources are available to give you a break. Some care may be available through your local County Office of Social Services as well as agencies offering grants for caregivers. Call a local home care organization in your community and begin the conversation around establishing respite care. Private pay is only one of multiple options available. Regardless of where you live, you need to unplug and get recharged. You're no help to your family or yourself once you've burned out.

You need to only watch your Gmother M-F 9am to 5pm and you must get 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep.

Otherwise you are a slave.

Snapping at them is a normal and predictable outcome if you don’t do what I said in the first sentence.

You either establish boundaries and what you are willing to do, or you don’t and you die young. It’s your choice. (Unless it’s not your choice, in which case we are back to you are a slave)

You are doing the best for your grandmother, a great job! You aren't alone as I'm looking after my bedridden mom (now 96) who fell in the kitchen February 10th 2023 and broke her neck, I'm right here by her side 24/7 and her primary caregiver. (I love her dearly).. Soon be 18 months, and so often I'm crying often and then get a bit angry with ALL the things I have to do! ...I am her son and I'm male 63 and single.
Taking care of my Mom, mom, dishes,laundry, bills $ making out checks, taking care of her medication ,calling her Dr for Refills and then calling the pharmacy,groceries ,ordering supplies, and having cash here at home to pay our three Nurse/Housekeepers!.....Ohh, and taking care of our 16-1/2 yr old cat Spunky. I have to find time for me, and it aint easy! As far as giving you any answers then just letting you know that you're not alone!...I'm in N Arizona . God bless you!

For about 10 yrs I faced a similar situation with my Mom while she was in her late 70's. In 2018, my Dad's bladder was full of cancer and things got worse from there. Not only did I have to provide care for both but much of my time was spent performing skilled nursing tasks. He passed in 2020 & she did in 2022.

Every night I felt exhausted and when problems happened and messes needed to be cleaned up I lost sleep and he lost calories. I was way past burnout by 2020. So how did I cope? As my situation got more complex I split myself in 2.
There was robot John who was devoted to every task on the list he had to complete. Then there was human John. Robot john had the priority.

To strengthen your robot side write down the tasks you need to do each day for your Gma. Focus on that work. It likely doesn't require much communication, though singing helps the mind. If you are snapping at them & growing angry it's because problems are happening. Separate the event from the person. Write down the events & think of ways to resolve them as gently as possible.

Your Gma's mind is fragile. Snapping & anger do not help. Singing does.
Try to think of songs that express your feelings at that time and share that with her. She should be taking Donepezil before sleep & Memantine when she wakes.

Ex. Your Gma keeps knocking over something causing a spill. Move it out of her line of sight. If she has busy hands give her something safe to squeeze and use a short cord to attach it to her waist. She can't throw it then and she can't hurt herself with it.

Help from social services where you live can be daunting. Think of any one you get as someone who can do some of the tasks you do now. In my case it amounted to my/her PCP writing a Rx for a caregiver roughly between 9-5 M-F.
A few hrs on Sat was paid out of pocket. Any task you don't have to do is time you can spend resting on a heating pad. Your lower back will thank you for it.

Most of all do not expect doctors to even recommend these things for you. You have to be pro-active on your own for it. If your Gma has any form of health insurance then it's likely there is a part about caregiver services. You must know that to the letter and make use of it as best you can. The same goes for your Mom's insurance too.

I hope your Mom assumes the caregiver role on the weekends. It was the opposite for me. I got a caregiver for a few hrs on Sat and that was it.
Stress to her the importance of her giving you a break on your caregiving tasks.

My 4 siblings were mostly un-responsive to my pleas for help. Emotionally that's worse than no, because they don't even bother to offer an excuse as to why.
I hope your Mom is very responsive to you on the weekends.
If she can't help with the caregiving tasks more than be direct with her.
You need her to buy you some caregiver hours each week.
Do your homework on this first. Contact service providers and ask what is the least amount of hours per week or day you can get from them. Approach your Mom with that cost.

As for your schooling, please try to keep up with it. Homeschooling is fine as long as your keep up with standardized testing. You need some means to evaluate what you're learning.

I've been through a lot these past 5 years so feel free to list any of your problems here & I will try to offer suggestions for resolutions.

Above all, I am just a stranger to you but we have a caregiving bond. I will pray that things get better for you. Sometimes just having a place to vent can a help a lot. Feel free to do that. You will always get gratitude and encouragement from me when you do. God Bless you.

Constant care? IMHO, after you have completed the tasks you must do for her daily care it's ok to use mild forms of sedation to essentially increase her nap/sleep time and your free time. You can then maintain constant observation with a mini-cam. These are low cost things your Mom should be able to get you.
While Gma sleeps you can watch her from your phone app. They even have apps to do the monitoring for you and alert you if the movement is too large.

Mild forms of sedation should pose no risk to her mental health and may even aid Donepezil and Memantine. Discuss with your local pharmacist what is best in your price range.

There's more opportunity for you to gain alone time in another room.
With the mini-cam in place, try to get Gma to watch TV from a bubble wrapped phone. Say the TV is not working. This now requires her to hold the phone.
That should induce enough fatigue in her to tire her out quicker. I get that your Mom is only there on Sat & Sun. What about calling you? Try to get her to call more often and talk to Gma. The more time Gma is engaged with someone or something, the more time you have to yourself and monitoring her via the mini-cam.

Still, Gma might throw a tantrum. Surround her with sturdy, empty cardboard boxes. It will confuse her and slow her movement if she should try to get up.
That gives you the time you need to get there before she does.
If Gma is prone to throwing a bubble wrapped phone consider a fastener.
They don't cost much and you then cord it to a belt on her waist.

Most importantly don't trap yourself with "constant care." Define that as tasks that you must do every day for her and time spent mostly watching her. Use the mini-cam to isolate her more. She is likely to nod off faster then. Do not let her nod off in a chair. That can bring on stiffness and pain. When she nods off, comfortably lead her to bed for proper sleep.

Mother works - probably very hard, to support you all, right?

'Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm'. I think it's a Hindu saying.

Your Mother may be doing just that. Setting both her & you on fire (so to speak) to keep Grandmother warm.

Find a good time, when she is relaxed is better.

Sit your Mother down & have an ADULT to ADULT talk.

Spell out the reality with kindness but honesty.
1. That the currect plan is not working
2. That a NEW plan is needed.

That any plan needs to work for ALL the people in the plan to be sucessfull. It must allow ALL of you in the plan to get your needs met.

What needs do you have?

* The rights of freedom.
* The dignity to work, earn a living for yourself.
* The opportunity to become independant & all that goes with that.. socialising, a partner, maybe marriage & your own children.

This issue needs to be put on the table as OPEN for discussion. OPEN to new ideas, to new solutions. Open to CHANGE.

Hopefully your Mother hears you. Then, that you begin to work together towards new solutions.

If not, your alternative is to QUIT.
(Which will FORCE your Mom to make changes).

You DO have power here.
It starts with speaking up for yourself.

I am curious if your GMA has always had mental issues, I'm wondering if she is diagnosed correctly, being a 3rd world country.

I wondering about lewy body dementia? It may not really matter, the care would probably be the same. But it may help you to learn more about dementia in general. Sence you do have Internet access and have fluent English, I would suggest go to Google and learn as much about dementia as you can. You could go to YouTube and Google Teepa Snow.

Have a conversation with your mom and say you want to have opportunity to start your own life. Your mom has to take care of her own mother. Suggest to her that she gets an outside caregiver. You can perhaps help out 1X a week..but that’s it.I found following website to find caregiver outside USA:
https://www.aupair.com/en/p-au-pair-for-seniors.php

Prayer changes things. I take care of my bedbound 87 yo mother and provide mental health support for my 26 yo son, who is fearful that he is going to die, which came as a result of the Pandemic. He is self-sufficient, but when he needs some mental support, I have to give it. Prayer has helped me a lot. I also, will think of one thing I would like to do for myself even if it is in the house. My mother is not hard to take care of but she is not self-care which ties me to the house. So, when she is sleep, I will get something I love to eat (ice cream) and put on a movie just to escape a little. I often play gospel music and it's refreshing. I try to interrupt my thoughts because I am here right now for this purpose, so I don't want to sabotage it by thinking of how I can't do something. I do what I can. I watch movies, look at funny stuff on Youtube, I bake alot, talk on the phone to friends, and I pray. It's hard, but doable. "God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles and a reward for your faithfulness. Don't give up" (author unknown). At least you are 20 and you have more years in front of you. I have more years behind me. When I do think of that, it makes me think that once I am released from this responsibility, I will be almost ready for someone to watch me. So, I don't think about it...as much as I can I don't think about it. I pray. Your grandmother will not be around forever, so start making a list of things you want to do or accomplish once you are free to do so. That is also mentally helpful. It gives you planning time and hope. You will never know what gift this time will provide you if you don't use it wisely. Rotate with your mom every week that when your mom gets off work, she will have one week to rest after work, and you will have the next week to rest or do something for yourself after your mom get off work once your mom gets home. This will give you and your mom some time for yourselves. Hopefully, I have given you some things to help with the mental strain.

Please stop bashing her mother. Her mother is trying to do the best she can and has to work. It's family and all hands should be on deck to help. I'm sure if there were more siblings/children, it would help a lot, but it sounds like she is the only child. Her mother could have left the grandmother in her own house with no attention to her at all. Then people will be saying stuff about that. I believe her mother is trying to do the best she can. So please stop. This isn't about her mother. It's about her own mental health due to the situation. She obviously loves her mother, so the unkind things said about her mother are not necessary. Thank you in advance for your understanding.

Honestly I don't feel like we can even begin to understand this, her customs and life is so completely different than ares.

We have no clue, the life they have lived, the government, the laws, or the customs.

It's just way above my head anyways to form any opion on.

My son went to Burma, you can't show the soles of your feet. In Russia they leave babies out to sleep ,in the dead of winter. In Sweden they leave babies outside of the restaurant in strollers.

We don't know what there tradition are.

Yes it sounds utterly horrible, but so does wearing a burka. Or forced marriage, or getting female circumcised

throwaway101: Perhaps your grandmother will have to go into a facility, should one exist in your country.

I'm going through the same thing. I don't ever lose my temper or say anything I guess what really helps is the Lord helps me he gives me strength he sure does.

throwaway101, my apologies. I missed where your mother is only home on weekends. I thought she works during the day and is there in the evenings, thus my advice to have her take evenings once a week. I also apologize about mentioning prayer. You said you were looking for advice and not organization. It is definitely your choice to accept the advice or not. I meant no harm in mentioning prayer. You do need to speak with your mom and tell her that she needs to find a job that brings her home in the evenings to help. If she refuses then you do need to let her know that you are willing to help but not to do all the work. My son and cousin, both males, help me with my mom. I had both my parents, but my dad passed almost 2 years ago. Yes, he had feces in his nails, poop on the floor, etc. Ultimately, my parents are my responsibility. If I should go the way of my parents when I am older, I would hope my son will take care of me. There is much more that I didn't mention because I thought this forum was not "misery loves company", but support. That is all I'm trying to provide. Ask your mom what would she do if she was you? If she gets angry and saying she would take care of your grandmother all day, she is lying and knows that it is a lot on you. If you are able, you need to work on a plan to support yourself, because she may not let you stay once you let her know the timeframe in which you will stop. This current arrangement is not fair or right. I do hope the best for you and I will be praying for you. I'm not asking you to pray, I will do it for you. Unfortunately, this platform is not a platform conducive for positivity so I will be exiting for good and won't be able to read any responses you have. God, please change her situation right now and show her who you are, in the name of Jesus, AMEN.

Seems like your mom has tried to limit you to being your grandmother's permanent caregiver. Please talk with you mom about allowing other people to help. You also need to get out of the home to prepare for a career. Gram will not live forever, Your mom will also not live forever. You need to be able to work so you can support yourself.

I'll post a small update here so I don't have to make a post and clutter the forum. Sorry if this is not allowed.


I now have more free time in the day than I used to. My mother has actually taken over the cleaning duties on the weekends because I talked about it nonstop, so that has helped a lot. No progress with the other problems, but at least I feel more at peace with my grandmother as I have time to relax (and I have time for hobbies when I have the energy.) Thanks everyone for the replies and help.