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I'm 41. I always had "overprotective" parents growing up- didn't want me spending the night at people's houses, going away without them etc. Financially, they did what they could for me and I can't say I wasn't spoiled. Had good toys, always had food,my dad bought me my first car even. For financial matters I can't complain. Problem is, I feel indebted to my parents due to financial reasons. Dad took me places I liked, was good to me. Mother worked more hours and sometimes spent time with me but there was always a coldness to her. I held a lot of resentment toward her because of the number of arguments she'd start with my dad growing up - I was an only child and very sensitive (WAS..definitely not now). When they were together, I was terrified. I'm an adult now. I left home in my early twenties, got a roommate later lived on my own. But when I went to nursing school, I moved back in with them to reduce rent and afford school. Problem is, I never left. It's been 7 years and I have constantly found reasons not to leave.



Now financially, I feel as if I've paid them back in many ways. I've consistently paid for groceries, dinners, some bills, their meds etc for the past few years. Maybe we break even I don't know, I don't keep track. Dads memory is now going and my mother MAY have parkinsons. She has put herself in the hospital three times since last December after breaking a hip. She used to be an active person and is now literally sitting on a hospital bed parked in their living room, going from the bed to the bedside commode all day. Doesn't lift a finger to do dishes or laundry or cleaning or pay bills or put together her medications. So basically the entire household work plus making pill boxes, driving to get groceries, bringing her her toothbrush stuff, bringing her pills, bringing her EVERY meal. It's not fair to me. I was never an angry person, now I am furious and constantly yelling at them. An accident happened in front of me the other day which I knew would make me late for work (again) and I literally screamed at the top of my lungs and broke my mirror by hitting it. Obviously something needs to give because this violent streak is not me. I'm running on a short fuse. I work night shifts, get back and instead of being able to go to sleep after work or relax, she has a list of demands when I walk in the door.
Resolution- I am moving out by spring. Already told them. Of course the guilt trip from dad "I don't know what we will do if you leave" and her demands increase as always. As I'm writing this, "could you cut my hair short?" (Did I mention she doesn't leave the house unless it's a medical emergency) and just now "is there pepsi? Could you bring me some?"
I can't. I've given up too much of my life for this. And yet that little selfish feeling in the bsck of my mind continues.. DO I owe them for all the financial help over the years? will they be ok when I go? I'll still come by a few times a week to visit but just need my space and mental and emotional stability back... thanks for listening if you got this far. Whew! Didn't know I had so much to vent. Guess we are all in similar row boats...

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Please don’t confuse the things your parents provided and did for you as they raised you with any sense of you “owing” them. Parents have children for the joys, and even challenges, of raising them to being independent adults. The baby birds are supposed to fly the nest, it’s exactly what parents are supposed to aim for. It doesn’t matter what they bought you or if you were spoiled. You long ago deserved to live an independent life as an adult. I’m sorry it’s gone on this long and resentment and anger have set in. Your parents need a plan for their old age, and that plan can’t just be you. If they can’t live independently any longer, the home needs to be sold and they move to assisted living, or they hire helpers to come in for their needs. Please don’t argue or have the same conversations repeatedly about any of this. State your plans firmly and stick to it, without discussion, let them know how you can help them to figure out their next steps. If they’re among the many who refuse all help from others, you’ll join many here we call “waiting for the fall” meaning waiting out an event that will force them to change. No fun to wait on but it will happen. You’re no good to your parents now, a burned out, resentful caregiver isn’t good for anyone. No judgment there, it’s what happens over time with many demands and no help. I hope you’ll follow through on making changes for yourself. You matter
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theatrenurse Dec 2022
Thanks this is actually really helpful advice. And I won't be turning back on the plans this time! I appreciate you responding
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Boy, you sure have your hands full.

When did your mom break her hip? Did she go to rehab after or straight home? Is she getting PT? If not, please ask her doctor to order her some home PT ASAP.

You're seriously burnt out. And sleep deprived. You need a break. Move out as soon as you can. But NOW you need to start getting them the help they will need in your absence. Like a cleaning lady. And some aides for them.

How old are they?

Has dad seen a doctor about his memory? Why do you say mom MAY have Parkinson's? Is that a guess or have docs said that?

Get busy extricating yourself.
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theatrenurse Dec 2022
She broke her hip last December and went to in hospital rehab then a skilled nursing facility for several weeks. She gradually gained more independence and was back to walking with her walker as she has for many years (botched knee surgery in 2009 or so she says). The doctors this past admission think parkinsons because she gradually keeps losing function (right hand constantly tremors), now the foot on the operative side is turning inward. However, she took levadopa for two days then said it was giving her hallucinations and refused further medication. Further she has trigger finger or something similar and some arthritis in the hands but is too scared of the steroid shots that could help her regain function. It just seems to me she's more content to sit around and wait for everyone to do things for her. She is 71 btw. Dad is much more physically independent, he is 78. Dr is aware and he is taking donepazil but it csn only do so much. I've recently gotten him involved in a chess club (used to be his passion) and I think it is definitely helping both his mind and emotional state. I wish I could convince her to take an antidepressant to calm her severe anxiety enough to leave the house and go do social things. Anyway again thanks so much for responding and you are right about planning and putting things into place now
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The problem with living in your childhood home for so long is that you wind up getting stuck there............being the caregiver and chief cook & bottlewasher for your folks, since they're now relying on you to do it all for them. And now you're thinking you 'owe' them for what they've done for you over the years, when all parents do for their children, it's the norm. The 'only child' syndrome is a tough one, b/c we're all they have, and we get stuck in this situation where we feel obliged to BE their everything, too........so it's difficult. I know, b/c I was an only child too, who wound up being fully in charge of my parents entire lives until they both passed away. I had them living in Assisted Living, then mom in Memory Care, but I was the one who managed everything FOR them, from A-Z, and made all the decisions, financially, medically, and everything in between.

My suggestion is to move out, grant yourself autonomy asap, and offer to help your parents bring in caregivers or sell their home and move into Assisted Living. Be there FOR them w/o being their EVERYTHING. Otherwise, you'll get sucked into the vortex and lose your SELF in the process. Trust me on that.

Wishing you the best of luck taking care of yourself and offering your help to your parents.
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theatrenurse Dec 2022
Greatly appreciate the response, particularly helpful coming from an only child yourself. ❤️
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Oh so many things to unpack.

You can't be an effective nurse if you spend all your energy & time on just one, right? You have to spread yourself over ALL the patients you have, over all the tasks, prioritising & reprioritising as you go.

Now this *I owe them* language. This is not a bank loan... Your parents had a child & they raised you. That's what families do.

Then children grow up, move out & become independent. They can assist with elder parents as they can.

How about changing "I owe them' to 'I help them'?

Then, working out what is a reasonable amount to help.
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Hi there! I have had some experience as a caregiver for a physically needy and emotionally demanding non-family member who happened to live geographically close to me, but I have not had the same experience in caregiving for my own parents because they live thousands of miles away. However, as an only child like you, I can strongly empathize with your situation. When you don't have any siblings, you feel like it's entirely on your shoulders and nobody else's to save the day, and that can be very daunting and lonely. I know that if my own parents lived closer to me or under the same roof as me, that it would be a very complicated situation because I'd feel morally obligated to help them all by myself, and that would cloud my judgement as to what I can reasonably do on their behalf.

You definitely need some resources to maintain your sanity and your finances. I can't advise you on the specifics as to how you can make that happen, but I urge you to do whatever you have to do in order to find peace. You are just one person, after all, and you can't be all things to all people. I know, too, from spending time on this website, that even caregivers who have siblings may feel very alone and isolated with their responsibilities because their siblings aren't able or willing to do their fair share. It really sucks when you somehow find yourself in the unenviable situation of doing it all.

If you parents treated you well psychologically when you were a kid, and if they also provided for you financially, then yes, you owe them something as a matter of karma, but don't let feelings of guilt or obligation push you past your human limits. If you are feeling overwhelmed by what they need and/or want from you, then it's time to pull away, set boundaries, and figure out the perfect level of involvement you want to have with their daily care. I think moving out is a good first step because then you are assured a safe haven, a place where you can be yourself for a certain number of hours a day. I bet that once you have your own place that you will automatically feel a little better.

Best wishes to you.
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Re: "I think I'm just venting"
Yes, DO think about this.

Is this just venting? Or is it the start of re-assessing your situation.

Venting can be valuable just on it's own.. but can be the amazing first step, of many, leading up, up, up towards your goals.

After working a nightshift, your body requires sleep. Fact.

For you to be 'on-call' for your folks instead of sleep is bananas imho.

It would be reasonable to go to your room, shut the door & sleep. If this is not possible where you are, because the folks have constant needs (stemming from disability/impairment) - find another way to get this essential need for sleep met.

I would suggest renting a small apartment or even a room, close to your work (or other area you like). Install a comfy bed there. Go there after nightshifts to sleep.

You could use it just as a separate 'bedroom'. Or a part-time mini-home, staying between there & your parents on days off - for starters.

How will Mom cope? Your folks are SO ready for assisted living! That's one suggestion to give her!

Or, suggest your folks arrange home services. A cleaning service, meals delivered, shopping assistance etc. They can get an aged assessment to work out their needs. (Basically to replace you as their on-call Maid).

All three of you are kind of stuck in 'only us three' mode. I can see how it could happen - strong family bonds are a wonderful thing. But excluding all other 'non-family' is not.

No man (or woman) is an island.
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Paren't hood is NIT a transactional relationship; children don't "owe" their parents for bringing them into the world. Nor do you "owe" your parents for giving you a decent childhood.

A child's only "job" is to thrive, learn, grow and learn to make their own way in the c world. What you "owe" is to pay your parents" foundational support FORWARD to the next generation and to society.

Your mom, at b 71, is quite young to be so disabled. Are you enablingbthat, I wonder?

Yes, your parents need help and support. From hired in-home caregivers or from staff at a facility. I would move Jan 1 in your shoes.
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My opinion, Mom is milking it. Your there why should she do anything. 71 is not young but its not old either. The more she moves around, the better her hip will be. With hip surgery they usually have you up and going right away. Someone on here says something like "as long as your the option, they don't need to find a solution"

This got me "literally sitting on a hospital bed parked in their living room" She should not need a hospital bed. There is a bar that can be slipped under the mattress to help her pull herself up. This is ridiculous to still have a hospital bed in the living room.

Time to evaluate so you can move out with no guilt. And, you must move out. Ask Moms PCP if he will order in home therapy for Mom. While the therapist is there discuss the use of the hospital bed. Ask if the home can be evaluated for safety. Tell the therapist what Mom won't do. That you r moving and she needs to be able to do her ADLs on her own. Make it clear to the Therapist that you ARE moving. That your stay was temporary why you finished your Nursing degree. You have stayed too long.

Have you been doing the shopping? Time for Mom to either start shopping or learning how to order. Maybe talk to Office of Aging to see what resources are out there for Mom and Dad. If they are low income, maybe they can get in home help from Medicaid. There are options out there other than u. If they have money, have them use it to have someone come in. Do realize that Dads care may get too much for Mom and he will need to be placed.

Before you move out, set boundaries with Mom. You work 8 hrs a day or 12 hrs a day 40 hrs a week. After working all day, being able to be there for them is not going to be ur priority. (I have been told by those who work 12 hr shifts, the first day they are off they sleep) Your days off are your time. There will be things u need to do. If u want, set up one if those days to run errands for Mom. Bring dinner or take them out. But its on your terms, not theirs.

If they are living in a house, maybe time to sell and downsize if upkeep is getting too much. You should not be doing it.
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Proud of YOU for recognizing & voicing you are moving out! Just because you have been helped out financially does not mean you owe them your entire life & soul. You were meant to live life beyond!
Do what you can do. When it becomes too much, you will know. What's that expression re: Boundaries.. balancing betw loving others & loving yourself.

Read this in a Forbes article the other day: "Take Back Your Power
It’s never too late to take back your power. Commit to becoming the driver—rather than the passenger—in your life. Decide that you’re going to be in control of how you think, feel, and behave regardless of the situation you find yourself in."

Time for next chapter-game plan. Why do many elderly feel it is incumbent upon their grown Kids to become their personal Caregivers at the cost of their Kids' careers-Kids-Significant Others-Grandkids??? I think this mentality is beyond selfish. You should want your Kids to soar!
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Yes move out. It will only get worse if you don’t do it now and you will get more stuck. I would blow up too! I not an only child but I am the only one left. My parents have tried to pressure me to move to where they live, move in with me , move next door and I just say no. They have the money for AL or help but they think it is okay to ask me to sacrifice my life rather than deal with their issues. It is destroying any relationship we could possibly have. There are other issues as well.

Lol you got me riled up. Move out and let things play out.
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You have a lot going on with your parents and your own life. You’re exhausted. This is certainly understandable. You need a break.

They may need some assistance with certain things but you don’t have to be the one to provide it for them. Have you ever discussed or suggested that they move to a facility?

Build the life that you want for yourself and visit mom and dad as their daughter when you can.

Wishing you all the best as you move forward in your life.
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Okay, so they don't know what they will do without you. You can either give them some advice on that or tell them to look into it themselves. They will be okay on their own. Go.
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Beatty Dec 2022
And the bonus flip side.. if they are not okay..

Really not okay to feed, clothes, wash themselves or manage their home & finances. Well?

Then their denial gets pushed aside - to reveal their reality.
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