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Hello,
First let me give a little context. I am an only child. I was treated badly growing up, verbally and emotionally abused and basically raised myself- Mother’s an alcoholic ( dry now)- mean lady- from Maryland & the perfect narcissist- no dad I moved out at 17. I’m a nurse. I work full time + Throughout the years, my mother and I got along ONLY IF we saw each other for short periods of time. In 2015 she had a bad accident and I was there to assist her. I was looking at homes for sale 2 -3 years ago and she said “ why don’t you buy mine”? It was almost paid off and I took OVER what was owed + the equity owed , combined it all. End of October 2020 changed everything. She had a stroke. After a few months of therapy she was well enough to come home BUT not be alone. I work full time so this is what I did : I changed my life: since she can’t go upstairs I bought an electric hospital bed and created a bedroom downstairs- I organized all meds- I hired nurses to come in a draw blood, I had home PT and OT for 3 months- I downloaded several cognitive games for her to keep her mind sharp,etc- I hired aides for 12 hours a week ( while I work ) at 29.00 an HOUR ( 920.00 every 2 weeks) - I TOOK ON ALL BILLS - even hers since the stroke . I pay for all food too- what she pays is the aide and her supplement health insurance- THAT'S IT - now mind you, THATS S LOT! But I PAY EVERY BILL . I make her meals, I bathe her, I assist dressing her, I pay for all pads and diapers ( as she is now incontinent ) I give her all medications, I keep tract of her anticoagulant issues/testing, I dress her, buy all her clothes- do all laundry- clean the house,etc. Basically , she orders around from her wheelchair- even when her aides tell me she is walking with a walker ! I feel I care for her well- treating her with dignity when she poops on the floor by accident claiming it was the cat. ( even with poop smeared all over the bed). I have 2 different agencies in here to assist with care 4 days a week. They all know she is difficult.
Now what brings me to writing this.
2-3 weeks ago my Mother fell and hit the back of her head- I called 911- ER took a cat scan , no bleeding- they sent her home- about a week later she is complaining of L hip
pain- crying day after day but is refusing to go to ER- we have had fight after fight about going ( oh! Did I mention she has Dementia AND CHF? ) yes, she does- she forgets she eats, the time of day,etc. ( for example I’ve gotten several call at 4 am asking if I’m going to be home from work soon) - 2 days ago I have been hearing her wheeze- her lungs sound awful and her Oxygen level drops to the low 80’s in less than one minute - she wear O2 100% of the time . I have BEGGED her to have her leg and chest assessed and was met with refusal each time. Yesterday I was done- I said YOU ARE GOING and I called an ambulance. She said “ YOU JUST WAIT” “ YOU'LL GET YOURS” that was it- until the EMT’s were here- “ she doesn’t feed me” she said sadly,crying- “ she won’t give me my medicine”- “she won’t give me my clothes” all to which I said- “Mom, just stop it. I know you’re angry”
My mother left for the hospital- I have called ALL NIGHT with no answers- FINALLY at 0800 the employee says “ you need to call after 1200 to speak to her nurse or MD” I was SO worried !
at 1200 I called back : “ IM SORRY, I CANNOT GIVE YOU ANY INFORMATION on M*** B*** “ click. I call back “ HELLO??? What does that even mean”?? Is she ok? What’s going on???” Click
I call back “ look, I don’t know what’s been said or what’s going on but who can I talk too”? I COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT THEY SAID NEXT” IM SORRY, THERE IS NO M*** B*** HERE AT THIS HOSPITAL “ click.
I am so hurt. I don’t know what SHE SAID, what the EMT said… nothing!
I DONT KNOW WHO TO CALL NEXT
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT
I CANT EVEN FIND A PERSON TO TALK TO ME AT HOSPITAL.
HAS ANYONE BEEN THROUGH THIS? SIMILAR? FALSELY ACCUSED?
Can anyone

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I would think that you could call senior services. Usually medical staff are mandatory reporters, and then the Aging Services folks investigate. Usually this would include a conversation with you. They may not have contacted you yet.
https://www.agingcare.com/Questions/rights-accused-elderly-abuse-220888.htm
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Just read your updates.
This sucks that you are being put through the wringer by your mother. And worse that because both yours and her name is on the house that you are probably stuck if she comes home. I am hoping she gets placed in a facility after this. Tell them there is no one to care for her round the clock. Withdraw all financial support for home health aides and try and nurture and heal yourself from this latest attack by her.

Most of all do not bail her out of the decisions she has made in the hospital to spite you. She made her bed and it's time she lays in it.

You may have to consult and elder attorny about the house.
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Worn,

I'm praying for you right now.

Let us know how the phone call with APS goes.
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I am copying and pasting what godatter said:

"WornOut54 - Stop. Breathe. Stop moving, stop reacting, for about half an hour. You said you are an RN. Put on a calm, professional, clinical demeanor.

Then *write down* a bullet point list of the things you described here with no emotion in the descriptions at all, just facts and details. Write down a list of contacts and caregivers who work with your mother and can back what you say. THEN call the APS or other authorities and explain you are worried your impaired mother is saying delusional (or dementia-related) things that could harm her. Your concern is about *her* when you talk to them. Brush off, at least for now, anything they say about her statements explaining her impaired mental state. Be calm and controlled."

Respond. Don't react. Take control of the situation and leave emotion out of it as best you can for now.

This is hard, but you can do it.
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Maple3044 Aug 2021
RESPOND, don't react, is some of the best advice in any situation involving our ALZ/Dementia loved ones. Thank you.
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Wornout, this was my first reply to you, about making a pre-emptive call to APS:

For APS:

"Good morning, this is Worn Out. My mother, Mrs Out has dementia and was taken by ambulance yesterday to St. Vitus hospital due to a possible hip fracture and low oxygen. She was agitated and angry because she didn't want me to call the EMTs; she made some pretty egregious and untrue accusations in front of the crew. I'm an RN and I know they take this stuff seriously. I've called the hospital several times but they are refusing to let me know my mom's condition. I'm her POA and I'm very worried.

Can you help us?"

However, it doesn't appear that the hospital is refusing to talk to you.

You are clearly upset and have every right to be. But you need to gether your thoughts to talk to the doc/sw/ APS.

Make a bulleted list of your mom's difficulties-- medical, psychiatric and and self care.

I am of the opinion that your mom has developed dementia, as a result of her stroke. Please mention that possibility to the doctor.
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Wornout54 Aug 2021
I just looked at my chart as I set it up for her. She always had me read her everything on it. I didn’t even think to look at it until the other poster mentioned it. Yes, she is claiming a lot. What they have is her saying “ she treats me terrible . She hates me . She wants me dead”. My Mother now named a neighbor as a Her proxy- this woman hasn’t talked to her , visited, or even texted her since her stroke. The LAST time either of us spoke was 7-8 YEARS ago when her and I got into it because of our children ( long story ) - I READ that this woman SAID “ I believe she hurts her mother. Oh YES, I am there for her through thick and thin “ a LIE. She hasn’t even spoke to my mother in at least 2 -3 years because my mom is NEVER ALONE. So- now APS has been called. My daughter and I are calling them our selves when we get back home today . I’m SO HURT AND ANGRY as anyone would be. Now that I KNOW what been said I can act on everything. SHE FELL , hit the back of her head 3 weeks ago, I sent her to the ER. What I NOW READ” SUSPECTED ELDER ABUSE, LEFT LOWER LEG PAIN “. Oh my god I was crying! I would never hurt her. That pain is from when she fell and SOOOO MANY PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE KNOW THIS . But it doesn’t hurt any less. So now, a woman who knows nothing about what’s going on, is
getting her 15 minutes of glory as her proxy- I swear my mother name her/ did that even on purpose just to hurt me.
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The doctor is going to call you because there is medical information to share.

I that's good news.
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Worn,
It seems as though you are seeing the situation for its reality. It’s such a hard thing to bear.

Best wishes to you.

Cheering you on!
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Wornout, how are things going? Any update on your mom's condition?
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Wornout54 Aug 2021
Hi….NO nothing but the run around and I found out MORE LIES from my mother. I STILL cant find out what’s wrong, what was said- nothing. I found out who her social worker is and left 3 messages. The last time I called I was told her social worker said that she ( the social worker) was having the DOCTOR call me. That’s it. WHY THE DOCTOR?? No one has called me in 2.5 days. No one has come to my home. What I did find out yesterday infuriated me…..
BEFORE her stroke, we decided how we were splitting the bills between us- SHE was to pay the property taxes until I take over the equity ,etc and refinance the equity line and remaining mortgage- taxes are around 3600/ yearly- we pay semiannual.
I got a “tax sale” BILL yesterday- SHE LIED AND NEVER PAID LAST YEARS ( half the year) taxes and if not paid by 8/31 it goes into tax sale- period- I was on the phone forever and I can either charge 3600 or pay in CASH the past due 1800- I now have to take this out of the bank and pay it tomorrow. I am furious- all I’ve been told is that it was paid . This was 6 months before her stroke- she knew she was lying to me. What we agreed to do was ( since I’m refinancing the equity and last 10,000 of mortgage) we would use that equity line for the taxes until I refinance. She didn’t hold up her end - then, when I called Rocket about the refinance I was told that it wasn’t ONLY the equity and rest of mortgage consolidated but that she had called a while back inquiring about adding ALL her credit cards too be consolidated and FOR ME TO ASSUME responsibility of too!!!! I was floored. I said NO. NO. NO. I can only guess that’s why she didn’t get upset when I told her I cant pay her credit cards and all the bills - etc…. That I will pay ALL HOUSE bills but not her credit cards - with each passing hour , more and more I don’t understand! SHE probably thought all her CC would become MY problem.
now….. the last thing I’ve heard is that the DOCTOR will call me. Why? To come get her? NO. I cant. Not now. Not after all this. I’m very hurt but AT LEAST I feel I’m starting to put myself first!
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My Chart, Almost everything you would want to know would be there.
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JoAnn29 Aug 2021
Are you talking about an portal on-line. Usually the patient signs up for this and its private. Only the patient can see the info. No other member of the family should be able to see it. If they could, it would be a HIPPA violation. Your Medical records are private unless u give permission.
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You said she is a stroke survivor - does she have a neurologist? My moms neuro gave me info on confabulation from her areas of injury - she worked through many of those weird things the first year (in the early months after of her stroke). The only other times I see these behaviors is when she has a UTI and also with some antibiotics.

Has any of her meds changed?

Its awful - I know when my mom has a uti and says the craziest things how awful they feel.

Breathe - you know you haven’t done anything wrong. You said the caregivers have seen some as well. I’m assuming the hospital will be testing her for many things - and may even start to see some of the problems. Hopefully this will lead to answers that they can begin to help her with. 🌷
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Wornout54 Aug 2021
Yes, she’s had 4 UTI’s in 2 months because she will sit in urine. The hospital had given her a “pure wick” system when she had her stroke- but she isn’t incontinent - she has accidents but CAN AND DOES use the bedside commode. However because she won’t tell anyone she sits in it. It’s a miracle if she would wear anything other than a shirt and diaper. I beg her daily to wear pants. I’ve been reading up about a lot of odd behaviors after stroke. I’m a nurse but I don’t know everything. No changes in meds except the Warfarin daily - I purchased a finger stick INR machine so we can test at home- her INR levels ( clotting ) we’re finally therapeutic but she definitely has another UTI because her tribe was cloudy and dark/smelled. I know but this feeling is awful and NO ONE has called me. The only “answer” I’ve gotten now was “ THE SOCIAL WORKER WILL HAVE THE DOCTOR CALL YOU”. Why???? For discharge? I would think if she ( my mother) said more than what i heard to the EMT’s it would be the social worker to talk to me?? . I d k anymore .
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Just a thought. Usually if the person resists going to the hospital, the EMTs cannot force them. These EMTs took ur Mom, why? Did they see something they thought Mom needed to go to the hospital for?
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Wornout54 Aug 2021
EXACTLY. While I was on the phone w/911 she is yelling “ I’m not going”!!! When they were here she said “ she/they don’t feed me— she won’t give me my clothes— she won’t give me my medicine “. I told the EMT I am seriously worried about her L hip and possible exacerbation of CHF as I can hear her wheezing across the room- they NEVER asked her if she wanted to go. They just took her. She DIDNT say to them” I don’t want to go”. Only screamed it when I was in the phone …. Which I’m sure is recorded.
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APS (Adult Protective Services) investigates reports of abuse and naglect of vulnerable elders.

We are telling you to make a pre-emptive phone call because in all likelihood, the EMTs would have had to have reported what they heard to APS.

I always think it plays better if you get to present your evidence first.

I wrote you a script. Use it if yoy like.
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Cover99 Aug 2021
EMTs would give the report to the hospital and the hospital would take it from there.

Had this happen when my mom was taken to the hospital. EMTs were all nice and everything, but seeing her medical report later, they stated she looked unkempt with dirty hair and clothes and may be a victim of elder abuse. Ironically the same report said she was well nourished, communicative, and aware of her surroundings.
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I'm so sorry. As others have said, it sounds like you've done good work, and this is a terrible situation. Try to breathe and take a step back: she's safe for now. The hospital will take care of her, and they will do whatever they need to do to investigate whatever she's saying. They are used to dealing with this, I imagine.

If it helps you take back a feeling of control, let the hospital do their thing while you get your ducks in a row - have your legal paperwork/paperwork showing dementia diagnosis/etc. ready in case anyone asks. If you have an attorney, have their number ready as well, or even call them just to let them know what is going on. And begin a conversation with yourself about how much longer you can handle this, as opposed to handing it over to someone else - a facility, another guardian for her, whatever. You don't NEED to take this all on yourself, and if she has lost faith with you and wants to cut ties so badly, then maybe turning it over to someone neutral is better for all involved.
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Always remember, EMT’s, nurses, doctors have heard it all from elderly patients and don’t necessarily believe it all. Go to the hospital and speak to the charge nurse. Explain what has happened. Your mother has probably signed a HIPPA non disclosure form not allowing you be given information. They may be able to get her to sign a new form allowing you to be given information.
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Cover99 Aug 2021
That may be true, but they also write down what they have heard in their notes that becomes part of the patient's record.
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Do you wear scrubs. If so, march into that hospital with your scrubs on and POAs in hand and tell the desk you need to talk to someone in authority. That your Mom was sent to the hospital by you and you have not been able to get any info on your Mom. Then tell the person in authority Mom suffers from Dementia and as POA u have a right to info on her health. If you have something from a doctor stating a formal diagnosis that makes ur POA effective if not an immediate POA. If immediate thats better. You don't need to see Mom, just need information on her health.

My daughter always gets results when she wears her scrubs. Professional courtesy.

As a Nurse you know the chain of command. Try the DON, then up the ladder. She/he has a boss.
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First take a few deep breaths, I can only imagine how frantic this all has you, a culmination of several years of frustration. But try to calm yourself for a minute, you put her in the hands of medical professionals, she’s in the hospital so she’s as safe and cared for as she can be right now. You are a trained nurse you know the deal with patient confidentiality and you know patient's like your mom.

If you have DPOA that will be an Avenue should you want to pursue it but at the moment from the staff perspective even if she gave you Health Care Proxy or HIPPA clearance in the past she can revoke it or simply say no when asked if they can update you now, at least in many states. They are probably still figuring out the situation and if your mom presents the way it sounds they may determine she isn’t capable of making good decisions right now and go to her listed contacts and authorities from the last time she was there (I’m assuming it’s the same hospital). For now however agree or not the staff has to abide by her wishes as long as she’s able to express them, continuing to call them in a panic may not help your cause if she is telling tales, getting to know her will.

If I were you I would need the advice to make sure all your legal ducks are in order concerning the house.

Call the main patient number as any friend would and see if she is registered at least that way you will know if she is indeed in the hospital and probably if she was and then was released (boggles the mind but you never know) because they often say oh she was released…

If you have been involved with all of her doctors as it sounds like you would be try calling her primary’s office to see what they know about her status. They have a relationship with you and with your mom and probably still have the authorization to communicate with you so even if they haven’t been notified (not unlikely) that she’s in the hospital they can go get the info and give you a synopsis. If you have DPOA and want it activated they might be the ones to help you meet the requirements, then again the hospital might be too if she isn’t being cooperative about what she needs.

Consider however wether or not you really want to do that because once you do you take on greater responsibility and likely fight from her. If they feel she’s capable and willing to release her on her own while we all know it isn’t best for her, you might want to let that happen as long as all your house ducks are in order.

Your mom has always been difficult, your relationship strained at best, her behavior is only going to get worse as she progresses if it’s her nature anyway so you might need to let her make poor decisions for herself if that’s what she wants to do. You have made yourself way more available than you needed to, taken more abuse than many would and you need to take your power back. Providing the house is in your name and not hers you have that power, you can say yes or no to her coming back. When she finds she needs you again to survive gently but firmly remind her and yourself that you do that on your terms not hers and if you decide it’s just too much for you that’s ok, you can be willing to help her get placed and take care of her affairs ongoing or not, your terms.

I feel for you, I feel your panic and I think things will come into better focus, you will be able to work the problem one step at a time once you find a way to calm down, let yourself off the hook and lower the level of panic to concern. Sending you strength..
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sp19690 Aug 2021
The OP is a survivor of child abuse by her mother. The mother spitefully is now trying to get her in trouble because she is a sick narcissist and OP went against what the mother wanted. She should wash her hands if her mother now as this will gapoen again and could put her job in jeapordy while she has to fight to try and clear things up. Just her mother adding more stress on top of what OP has in trying to take care if her in her home should be enough for her to realize she needs to walk away.
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Grandma 1954 is right - Hospital will be more than happy to dial your number and talk to you when they need you to come pick Mom up. You and the hospital will be best buddies in that moment, but they aren't helping you now and they likely will not help you once they get your mother into your car at discharge time.

I have an aunt from whom I am estranged and I dread the day when someone tracks me down and wants me to pick her up from a hospital or I find out someone called the police on her (again) and I'm expected to show up and fix it.

I cringe when I'm in a hospital or other facility and I overhear the words "May I have the name of a family member I can call?" Most of the time, it's simply the logical thing to do. Call the family and let them know where their loved one is. But there are also many cases where that "family member" getting the call is really in for an impossible journey.
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Geaton777 Aug 2021
It will be interesting to see what plays out since her mom told tales of abuse but then the "abuser" is the only person who can come and get her...
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She'll probably go directly to a rehab facility after discharge, right? I'd take that opportunity to research facilities for her to transition directly into. She will probably need LTC for her CHF. This is IF you are her DPoA and she has a medical diagnosis of dementia in her records. If not, then you have no control except to keep her from coming back into your house, except that's where she lives and you'd need to evict her to get her out against her will and then she'd need to have a guardian to force her to live somewhere else. All of this is hard, and will probably get harder if she comes back into your home.

You have already done yeoman's work and are under no obligation to provide hands-on caregiving. You are not responsible for her happiness. Please read the posts on this forum under the topic "Burnout"...you are heading in that direction voluntarily. Please stop and assess things: how you are orbiting around her at the cost of everything in your life (and again, it can get worse!) Please read the cautionary tales from people who have walked in those shoes and paid the price. May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions about your future.
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notgoodenough Aug 2021
"If not, then you have no control except to keep her from coming back into your house, except that's where she lives and you'd need to evict her to get her out against her will"

Another potential problem - I'm not sure, from the way the original post is written, that the home is now legally owned by the OP...if it's still her mom's house, there's no way to keep mom out. The OP, can of course, move herself out and refuse to be the caregiver going forward, but if the house is still *legally* in her mom's name, she might have to seek other living arrangements.
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Well...I bet you will get the call when M***B*** is ready to be released.
When that happens say that she is not safe at home and that she can not be discharged to home. You can not care for her in a safe manner.
She has obviously changed the HIPAA form so no information can be released to you or to anyone that she has not designated.
If she had a "formal" diagnosis of dementia then she should not have been able to sign any forms. If you do have anywhere in any of her medical information that she has dementia then I would bring that to the hospital. If you do not have POA and she does have dementia I would suggest that If you do not want to continue with this and care for her talk to the Hospital Social Worker and say that she needs a Guardian and you can not take on that role. The Court will then appoint a Guardian for her and at that point you will not have anything to say about her care, where she goes after discharge from the hospital.
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You went above and beyond what anyone should do for an abusive narcissist. Now it's time to let someone else take over her care. You deserve better than now having the stress of what a vindictive old woman has done to try and screw you over. Please listen to the advice below and do not allow her to come back into your home.
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When you reach someone, just explain the initial fact pattern. Then let them do the talking. Remain as calm and professional as you can to maintain credibility.

it is terribly hurtful to be accused when you have worked so hard. Give yourself great credit for your past forgiveness and efforts.

After this experience resolves —and it will— keep a fair distance from her crosshairs for your self-preservation.

Sometimes we focus to correct those most difficult relationships in our lives in an attempt to find inner peace. Go through the maze backwards now - if spending time with your mother gives you inner peace, proceed cautiously. If however, you just feel angst, accept that you have already done your best, and done much more than many would attempt.
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You have to face the fact that many many posters have been ‘falsely accused’, first to their carer, then to friends and other family members, and occasionally to the police or other authorities including a hospital. You need to decide if this is the last straw – and it probably should be.

Your next steps (after some sleep, possibly plus a doctor’s visit to get some emergency sleeping pills) should probably be:
a) To put it in writing to the hospital that you cannot and will not take her back as it would be an unsafe discharge for both of you.
b) To check with a lawyer to be sure that the house that you ‘took over’ is now in your name, not still in your mother’s name, or to sort that out if it hasn't happened.
c) To stop worrying about the long term for your mother. If you do not take her back, the SW at the hospital will have to place her. Eventually you will be able to go and see her, and make whatever peace you can. In the very unlikely event that she has walked out and died somewhere of exposure, she will have made her own decision to go to whatever future life she believes in.
d) To contact any other relatives or friends to ask if they have any news of her, and to put your problem to them. They might be allowed to visit her and give you some information, but the main reason to call is to avoid getting blamed yourself, based on the lies.

Best wishes!
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sp19690 Aug 2021
I hope the OP heeds your advice. Once someone intentionally makes false accusations against someone that could potentially even cause her to lose her job that is it. She needs to wash her hands of the caregiving and financial burden she has taken on.
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For APS:

"Good morning, this is Worn Out. My mother, Mrs Out has dementia and was taken by ambulance yesterday to St. Vitus hospital due to a possible hip fracture and low oxygen. She was agitated and angry because she didn't want me to call the EMTs; she made some pretty egregious and untrue accusations in front of the crew. I'm an RN and I know they take this stuff seriously. I've called the hospital several times but they are refusing to let me know my mom's condition. I'm her POA and I'm very worried.

Can you help us?"

Get some sleep. ((((Hugs))))
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Tothill Aug 2021
This was going to be my reply, but I would preemptively call them.
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What to do next is go to bed and somehow try to get some sleep. In the morning, I think if I were you I'd preempt the situation and call APS myself.

Has anyone been through this, i.e. a situation where a lady in her eighties with multiple comorbidities, in pain, angry and frightened and now in hospital makes false accusations against her primary caregiver? - for sure, anyone working in older adults' medicine will have come across it time after time. So relax. As a mandated reporter yourself, you know that accusations have to be taken at face value *at first*. Then they are investigated, and then a true account is reached.

You are hurt, and you also must be frightened not only because of what your mother might have said but also because she's injured and you can't find out what's going on. Unfortunately there is nothing to be done about that until you can get hold of the right people, which won't be until office hours at the earliest.

So, somehow, try to get some sleep.
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rovana Aug 2021
There is a complication here that you might not be aware of. False accusations may be investigated, the victim of them found innocent and accusations untrue, BUT is there a formal adjudication that the accused person was found innocent? I mean a formal legal process that is put in the record to protect a person? I know of a case where this was not done and the accusation was on record all right, but NOT the "Innocent of All Charges" equivalent of a legal trial finding. A big hole here. There is a justifiable anxiety to protect victims of possible abuse, but not enough thought given to protect people falsely accused. Badly constructed system. Worked as an admin assistant and saw this kind of thing many a time. Tunnel vision on accomplishing one goal and totally oblivious as to the ramifications of the chosen process.
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I agree with those who have said, "don't take her back." If you do, you are leaving yourself open to a lot of legal grief. If she tells someone you hit her and she points to a bruise, you could be investigated. As a nurse, do you really want to put your career on the line? I bruise very easily and I am not even on blood thinners. Be very careful. If she has dementia, no telling what she can think, and she will be believable, because in her mind it is true. Look up Teepa Snow on YouTube..
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Wornout54 Aug 2021
Thank you so much. Yes, I will look that up on YouTube. No I didn’t even think about my job. Jesus I really didn’t. I don’t even know what she said exactly yet . I definitely haven’t thought about taking her back. I don’t think I could at this point. I couldn’t trust being alone with her . this really hurts. I really am so grateful for everyone responding. I’ve been thinking a lot. I am going to try and get some sleep. I think I may call APS myself in the morning . Got any suggestions on what to say when I start talking? :/
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I really have no idea who u can talk to. Maybe she was transferred to a rehab or another hospital. What you may want to try is call the hospital and ask to be transferred to Mrs. Jones's room. If asked who ur, say a friend of the family. If told no Mrs. J there, then start calling around to the different rehabs and do the same thing. Do not ask if she is there, act like u know she is there. If told no, say "Sorry I was told she was here."

Where I live, the local Hospital is small. So those with head injuries and heart problems are transferred to another Hospital. So try nearby ones if rehab does not work out.

Do you have POA? To be honest your Mom needs 24/7 care. With Dementia she will only need more and more care. With your history and now this, I would allow the State to take over. They can get her placed a lot quicker than u can.
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Wornout54 Aug 2021
Hello and thank you for responding- yes, I have POA ( medical/financial)- I know she is there for sure, I was told she was admitted this am, then when I called the unit they said I needed to call after 1200 to speak to her nurse. When called back the nurse said she can’t talk to me about her, and hung up on me. I called the “social work” department since each PT on each unit is assigned one- I was given my mom’s SW and needed to leave a message too. I know she is there. What I don’t know is what was said . NO ONE is telling me anything. All I know for sure is what she said to the EMT’s because it was in front of me…. I don’t know anything else. I have a million feelings running through me and one new one today is betrayal. I feel so betrayed . Thank you again for responding.
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Potentially dangerous situation for you. You have done more than obligated to care for mom, but now it is clear that discharge to your home would be unsafe for you. She should be placed for her own good.
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This maybe a blessing in disguise. Her lies may now get the State involved. If so, let them take over her care. Let APS investigate. Do you have a formal diagnosis of Dementia? Just tell the truth. Then tell them because of her abuse and now lies, you cannot care for her anymore.

If the hospital tries to release her to you tell them its an unsafe discharge. That you can no longer care for her. That if need be, the State can take over her care.

Stand strong. Your Mom has gone over the line and if u take her back she will think she has won and your life will be so much worse. This is ur chance to get out from under her thumb.
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Wornout54 Aug 2021
Yes, there is a formal Diagnosis. Like I was saying to another poster… I have an abundance of feelings coming through. Right now I feel HURT AND SEVERELY BETRAYED. I feel nauseous, then pissed off . I don’t know what was said in the hospital. I only know what she said to the EMT’s because I was right there. I honestly haven’t even gotten as far as discharge. how could I trust her here with me? I actually hadn’t thought of anything like that ! I have a message out for a social worker in the hospital. Hopefully I’ll get a call tomorrow. Thank you again
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She’s choosing not to be with you. She did it out of spite, but if she wants to come home, she’ll have to come clean. I honestly mean this as gently as possible to you: she’s made her bed - let her lie in it and you get a good night’s sleep.

You’ve worked your butt off trying to be the best daughter in the world so that she will FINALLY love and respect you, but did it work? Or are you just her doormat?

Where she is - wherever she is - she’s being cared for, so you don’t need to worry. Time to look after yourself for a bit, and maybe, when they ask you if you want her back, consider saying no.

I don’t know why we as grown children feel so honorbound to put up with all our abusive parent’s crap when we don’t have to. You don’t have to. YOU are important, too!
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Wornout54 Aug 2021
Thank you for this response. It actually made me cry. I don’t really talk to anyone but my daughter about this. She has seen first hand her treatment , etc. you hit every point head on as if you know her. I feel like instead of thinking how could she do this I should be thinking how DARE she do this. Being angry is so much easier than hurt. Like I told another poster I don’t know WHAT she said in the hospital, I only know what she said to the EMT’s in front of me. My whole life she has been looked at like this frail little lady when in actuality she was a screaming angry alcoholic- with a crazy temper - to date I’ve never heard anyone scream like her. And I’ve NEVER known anyone that cries as much as she does , her whole life. I DONT know why I want her approval and respect. I mean I obliviously do it this wouldn’t hurt so bad . I wish the hospital would at LEAST tell me what’s going on. No one “said” abuse. I’m only going by what she said the the EMT’s.
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