Momsonlychild Asked October 2020
I truly can’t keep this up for my own health. What options do I have?
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Ok, I just have to admit this. I’ve finally been able to admit it to myself. I’m not going to be able to continue being my mom’s caregiver. If I continue I will not survive it. Which would leave my husband, kids & grandkids without me. I have several health issues, some quite serious, and one especially can lead to sudden death. With 3 of my serious issues stress, anything strenuous really compound these issues. I’m really struggling. My mom nor my family can afford to place her somewhere. We can’t afford in home health. She won’t qualify for Medicaid for about 18 months. What can I do???
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1. Is mom on hospice?
2. Is her pain under control?
3. Why doesn't she qualify for Medicaid?
If not, I don't know why she wouldn't qualify for Medicaid for 18 months.
Is there someone else you can call upon in your family to help out? Your kids or nieces, nephews, etc? I know how hard it is to be the 'only child' and what a burden it leaves upon us. I'm thankful my husband has been very helpful with my folks, but even so, the mental and emotional burden ALL falls on me.
Sending you a hug and a prayer for a good resolution for your mother and good health for YOU!
Hope you can get your mom care elsewhere ASAP so you can focus on your own health.
The condo. Your mother gifted this to you (you and your husband, is that?) over three years ago (were you living somewhere else before?). You and she continue to live in it. She rents... what, then? To whom is she paying rent, for what?
You mention that if she were to move or to die, you and your husband would have nowhere to live. Well - so, what's the plan? Because may she live forever and everything, but this is something you are going to have to address.
If you have explored and have decided that you cannot afford either placement or in-home services, then there isn't really another option, is there: you will have to find a way to manage your mother's care needs. What are they?
I put it this simplistically not to be harsh, but because in the end there just *are* the practical facts, and they have to be looked at in the face. So. Over a 24 hour period, what work needs to be done to meet your mother's care needs, and who is available to do it?
But you are right -- now there are more questions.
We aren't being negative when we bring up issues here, Momsonlychild, unless it is that you really only want to vent? (That is fine, BTW, but sometimes the OP won't admit that.)
A few months ago your mother was in a steep decline. What happened? Do you really think she's going to live for another 18 months?
If you have all these health issues yourself why is your Mother even considering allowing you to care for her?
That's OK. It really is.
'What options do I have?'
Your options are to tell Mom this. That you have reasons you cannot do what you were doing. That a new plan for her care will be required.
Or do you mean *what options does your Mother have?*
Unless other family members have offered free caregiving this will be to pay for the care she requires. You mentioned she cannot afford home heath care - I presume there is not a lot left after Mom pays her rent?
I would have thought she could sell her condo to pay for her care, but she has gifted it to you instead - is that correct? So no longer has funds or assets to fund her own care? It seems you are very close & share your lives & funds, so if that works for you all, continue that way.
Do you live together in the same condo or separate? If separate, could you move in together to save her rent?
If you already live together, is Mom paying the rent to you? If so, to provide her the gift of free accommodation would be a token of gratitude for the gifted condo imo.
I may have all this completely wrong, I must say I am confused by it!
No-one would wish money problems on top of health problems. If the rent/funds are the barriers here, then hopefully a local financial counselling service can help.
I wish you well.
When my dad passed away in 2004 at the age of 82, I told him right before he took his last breath that my husband and I would take care of my mom. She was still pretty self sufficient at 79 and hadn't been diagnosed with Alzheimer's until she was 89 in 2014. So for 10 years I went back and forth between my childhood home and our own house to help.
I too, knew I couldn't keep on like this. There was no money to have in home care of any kind, no other family in our state and she couldn't move in with us. We had a small, two-story house with both bedrooms and both bathrooms upstairs plus our dog.
She always wanted me to promise her I wouldn't put her in a nursing home - and I didn't. But, I did have to move her out of the house I grew up in since 1968 into an ALF. The only way she could afford it was by me selling her house in order to pay the monthly rent.
After surviving COVID and nearly dying of severe dehydration in April, a placement agent given to us by the discharge case manager at the rehab she went to after being in the hospital, found a facility for us. We moved her into the new facility in May in their memory care unit and she's now under hospice care. She is 95 and doing quite well which has helped me with my own health crisis when my doctor said I would either die of a massive stroke or go permanently blind from developing Temporal Arteritis at the young age of 52 back in 2015. I take a low dose of a chemotherapy drug to keep things in check. In my case, if something happened to me there really wouldn't be anyone who could take care of her. Her 5 remaining siblings all live in other states and range in age from 75 to 90.
I needed to take care of me in order to take care of her. I hope you will find a way to do the same.
cannot be left alone at all. So we left our home and moved in with her. We too live in a small 2 BR condo but really the 2nd BR is quite small. I’m glad you’re doing better and that your mom is settled now. Thank you again for understanding. God will find a way.
What is stopping you from selling the condo that your mother received as part of her divorce settlement and using that money to pay for support with your mother's care?
How about renting out YOUR condo and using the proceeds to fund mom's care?
How about moving back into your condo and calling APS, telling them that your mother is a vulnerable adult living alone. Allow the State to take guardianship.
Certainly, if mother needs to go into the hospital for ANY reason, I would move back to your own condo and refuse to pick her up. Let the state take over.
I'm sorry that you were so misled by an unqualified eldercare attorney.
I understand that you are on disability, but is your husband employed? How is it that together you don't have the funds to pay for rent or a mortgage? That is not meant to be an unkind question, just trying to figure out the logistics here.
I understand that if the condo is sold it won't fix the problem - as not enough to fully fund Mom's care for the 18mths, plus you would need to move, causing much stress.
It looks like the priorities have been to live close to Mom & have affordable (but separate) housing for both you & Mom.
But stuff happens. Your health has changed the situation. If Mom's living situation doesn't stretch to rent AND home care - something will have to change.
What are the priorities right now?
Could Mom share your condo (to stop paying her current rent)? Would this allow enough $ to cover her care plus some towards shared food/bills?
Or could you share Mom's condo & rent yours out for income?
Could you both stay put but rent out any spare rooms?
Many people living in expensive cities here, downsize to a regional town where housing is much less to buy & rent is a bit less. Is this an option you could take?
I don’t think you should bail on her now.
The reason why she doesn’t have the funds to pay for her own long term needs is because she gifted you her already paid for condo? I’m trying to understand.
If so I feel you are responsible to care for her until the 5 year look back is over.
I also don’t understand why you and your husband won’t get a mortgage & buy it from mom thus she’ll have enough money to pay for LTC.
You’ve benefited greatly from your mother’s unselfishness. Now she needs you to be unselfish as well as her situation has changed.
So in my opinion you either buy or sell your mother’s condo (that you are living in) and use the money for her care or you care for her yourself until she becomes eligible for Medicare at 65. Does mom have health insurance now? Who is paying for this?
Medicare does not pay for long term care. If you are steering her into Medicaid she’ll have to spend down her assets to qualify and will then be placed in a Medicaid LTC center.
If not for your mother, you & your hubby would be out on the street. I don’t feel you should abandon your mother & throw up your hands at this point.
What do you expect to do when mom turned 65?
Does Mom need 24/7 care? Or daytime supervision? Would a daycare program be sufficient?
Would it be worth your time to contact a local political figure, to seek help for getting her Medicaid status reviewed? Would that sort of advocacy help you to feel a little more stable when addressing your own welfare?
We haven’t done a Medicaid situation for many years (I appear to have been designated my family’s caregiver-for life, I sometimes think), but the last time we did, there was “some” leeway between “no Medicaid” and “partial Medicaid” status, and my husband and I were able to negotiate an arrangement that provided for my MIL’s care but didn’t require the sale of the property.
Would it be of help if you could find a way to reduce the 18 months, or change the qualifying terms in some other way? I have no answer to this, but perhaps you could seek out someone savvy to give you some other thoughts?
Your situation CLEARLY represents a significant hardship to at least you and your mother. If you’ve attempted EVERY LITTLE POSSIBILITY, BLESS YOU, and please forgive me for suggesting the obvious, if it seems too obvious for you to benefit from.
I suspect that this may happen to more victims than just you, and it sure does represent a flaw in the way the system works.
Hoping and praying that you come up with something that will be able to pull you and your mom out of this logistical swamp.......
I feel for the OP.
MomsOnly, if you are still reading, have you considered consulting with another attorney, one that specializes in Medicaid issues? I really hope you can because it's possible something can be worked out, even though the second one apparently said nothing could be done. A new attorney might even find a flaw in the old attorneys work that would help. I don't know, but the only way to find out is to get another opinion with a Medicaid specialist .
In the meantime, you MUST step back for your health. I hope the home health you applied for comes through soon. I hope you continue to come here for support. Even venting can lighten the load. Also, tell your mom that you are wearing so thin that your health is affected. Tell her YOU need help, maybe that will motivate her to do a little more for herself?
Also, can I ask-- where is your dad in all of this? I know they had a nasty divorce, but you are still his child, and YOU need help.
Mr. Heiser would know about this.