I was told by the head nurse that my Mom was considered a code patient. Can someone help me understand?

Thank you. I appreciate your post and your advise. It’s not been easy since my Mom was put in the nursing home. She never wanted to be put into one. The only reason she went (fighting it tooth and nail though) is because her doctor told her and signed the forms to have her admitted. Truth be told, she lived alone at 90 years old because she chose to. I live in Florida and she lives in NJ. I moved to Florida when I was 23. I needed to start a new life after I had a near fatal car accident. A drunk driver hit my car head on and all the doctors says I’m a miracle because I survived. I was left in critical condition and am here by the grace of God. As for my Mom, she was living a relatively active life for her age. She was still going across the street to buy her groceries and going to her visit her friends within her apartment building. Her mobility was a bit of an issue because her ankles were swollen due to one her medical issues (diabetes) but she was a stubborn and strong woman. I had been after her for over a year to accept help from a home health care worker but she wouldn’t have it. She wouldn’t accept any help. I saw her way of living was lacking a bit when I had gone back to NJ for Christmas. I was there for a week and I saw her apartment wasn’t as clean as it used to be and her general health wasn’t great. As a result I began trying to convince her to allow me to have a home health nurse to come out and help her. She’d tell me if I had a home health care nurse come to her apartment that she wouldn’t let her in. She was dead set against any sort of help down to refusing to use a cane to walk. Stubborn is putting it mildly. I don’t know if it was ego or a sense of accepting her age however my Mom was always it’s my way or the highway type of person. I’ve dealt with her way of being my entire life. So now back in March her neighbor checked on her and found her on the floor. She had fallen and was most likely on the floor for several hours because the neighbor told me she was covered in her own urine. The neighbor called an ambulance and my Mom was against being taken to the hospital. So she obviously was dehydrated and in serious medical distress. She went from a week hospital stay to being put in a rehabilitation facility for therapy for 2 weeks to becoming a permanent resident. Had my Mom accepted the help I wanted to get her she wouldn’t have gotten to this point. Her regular doctor hadn’t seen my Mom for her refill medications for probably 6 months past due. The neighbor told me that my Mom wouldn’t let her take her to the doctor because she said she was fine. So I get the phone call telling me all this because my OWN Mom would never tell me anything and felt I didn’t need to know. She felt she could take care of herself and she was fine. She relied more on faith then being realistic. I’d always tell her that God helps those who help themselves and she wasn’t doing that. So she’d laugh it off and I had no say in the matter. Now this is the point where she’s at. A nursing home resident with a laundry list of medical issues because she felt everything was ok and I didn’t need to know all this. All this and I still get stressed because I feel helpless. Throw in COVID and not being able to visit her is the icing on the cake. If I was to fly to NJ where she lives I’d have to spend a mandatory 14 day in self quarantine and I still wouldn’t be permitted to see her. Nursing homes will not permit any visitors whether family or family friends because of COVID. My hands are tied. Forget phone calls. My Mom doesn’t always answer the phone in her room. The nurse said it’s the rebellion phase. She argues with the nurses, the physical therapist, the occupational therapist and the staff. When she has a good day the staff tell me that’s she’s a lovely woman. When she’s not wanting to cooperate it’s hell on wheels. Nothing physical but she will not do what she’s supposed to. She’s not mobile but she gives everyone a hard time.

Thank you for your response. In all honesty, I would choose a DNR given my Mom’s current medical situation. The problem here is that she was considered of sound mind to make her own decisions. The other problem is that my Mom is not one to discuss death wishes. She’d rather bury her head in the sand (so to speak) then discuss anything regarding death. My husband and I have already paid for her funeral arrangements because we are realists and know what the inevitable will be. Not to sound morbid or cold but we handled all the funeral arrangements however haven’t told my Mom. It’s just something we knew we were going to do regardless of the situation as my Mom owns no property, has no assets, no income other then SS and nothing to declare as far as personal possessions other then what she had in her apartment. We also cleared out her apartment and turned it back over to the renter as we knew my Mom was not leaving the nursing home because of her condition and age. Again we didn’t tell her that she no longer has the apartment because it would do more damage emotionally then help. She never wanted to be placed in a nursing home and fought against it. Unfortunately given her health and the doctor’s orders she had no other choice. She is 90 and lived alone because she chose to. She didn’t want help from anyone. Yet I paid her utilities for her apartment and her expenses because it’s what I’m used to doing as her daughter. She paid the rent but it was only $200 in an income controlled housing apartment. My Mom has never been one to discuss these kind of issues. Never has. I always told her there are only 2 things guaranteed in life. 1) Life and 2) Death. She would get her feathers all ruffled (again so to speak) and just say let’s change the subject. With that said, I think from everyone’s response that I’m getting asked about my Mom being a code is because this subject has not been discussed with my Mom. Quite possibly it was brought up but my Mom didn’t want to talk about it. This is the difficult situation I’m in. Yesterday the social worker called me to discuss the advanced directive issue and advised me that a FaceTime conference between myself, my Mom, herself (social worker) and a psychiatrist should be done to discuss it. My Mom has always been a difficult person and now her stubbornness falls into my lap as the one having to deal with everything. I do not have POA because my Mom is of sound mind as per the psychiatrist’s evaluation.

Thank you very much for your kind words! I sincerely appreciate it! This is such a difficult time and throw in the state we’re in with COVID it makes the weight even heavier. I try my best to stay in touch with my Mom with phone calls and speaking to the staff at the nursing home. Even though there have been times when I call her and she just brushes me off and tells me she didn’t feel like talking and hangs up on me. Still I continue to call her so she knows I’m there for her. I just don’t want my Mom to feel like she’s alone. She’s not able to have visitors because of the COVID situation and we’ve actually been blessed enough to have her in a non COVID designated facility. I’ve had trying times in the relationship with my Mom because of the kind of person she is but she is my Mom and I love her regardless. I only want the best care for her and for her not to suffer.

Babs, he's afraid to die; most people are, even some who know the Lord.