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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Unlike some mothers, my mother actually told me that she knew that she did not meet my emotional needs as a child when I was almost 30 and claimed she would do better with future grandchildren which she didn't.
To help me deal with all of this, I'm reading the book, Running on Empty Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.
I just finished reading chapter two which describes 12 different types of parents. The last one is a parent who was a CEN themselves. The author says many parents are a combination of a few with one being dominate.
What I see in my mom is traits of a Narcissistic Parent for she did not see my as a separate person with my own emotions and ideas. I lost my dad through her abandoning him and divorcing him. She did not handle things well, ran him down constantly and was not in tune with my grief over the divorce which led me to stop eating at age 4. I was put in a hospital to get me to eat once again. I really wished the author had written more about how the children of divorce sometimes become CENs.
Yep, my mom became an addicted to alcohol parent when she got married again 8 years later. I'll leave that to your imagination of how that was like. The last type that I see some of my mother in is the child as parent type mother. I would include in that section, the parent who makes their child their emotional partner which was true of me particularly when she was single and that continued on after she got married again. It was so bad that in my senior year of high school I got very angry and told her to let go of me for she was married now. Mom always called me her little man.
Also, I am not sure that her parents met her emotional needs, but that is not her overall category that I see her in. I see her in the Narcissistic category.
Like my mom told me when I was almost 30, she knew that she raised me in a way that would cause me a lot of pain but she could not help it. I was in too much pain at the time to really hear her.
Not meeting one's emotional needs. Like invalidating one's emotions and ideas. Being treated as an extension of your parents and not as an individual. Being forced into some rigid mold that fit their rigid rules. Or like not providing any structure to one's life by being entirely permissive.
Yes, but I am not a hands on caregiver. I now have firm boundaries after 50+ years and will not allow them to breach them. 4 years of therapy later.
Not being allowed to have an identity other than as an extension of my parents who were well known in the community. Being used to further political aspirations. Not being allowed to be my own person, to have my own ideas, thoughts and plans for my future.
Some people may feel I am cold or mean, as I refuse to put any part of my life on hold to attend to my parents and step parents. But I did for so many years, in hopes of gaining their love and approval and now I know they will never change and if I get enmeshed in them again, I will be the only one who suffers.
Emotional neglect and abuse, some of the abuse sexual, all from the parent I now take care of. Long-term fallout for me; impunity for her. She no longer remembers any of it, which is just as well.
Sorry to hear about your abuse experience. I'm not sure us abused adult children need or should take direct, hands on care of our abusive parent unless a lot of anger has already been resolved. What I found was the more she declined the more memories came into my head. Thus, I was glad to be detached with her in a nursing home and seeing my therapist.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
To help me deal with all of this, I'm reading the book, Running on Empty Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.
I just finished reading chapter two which describes 12 different types of parents. The last one is a parent who was a CEN themselves. The author says many parents are a combination of a few with one being dominate.
What I see in my mom is traits of a Narcissistic Parent for she did not see my as a separate person with my own emotions and ideas. I lost my dad through her abandoning him and divorcing him. She did not handle things well, ran him down constantly and was not in tune with my grief over the divorce which led me to stop eating at age 4. I was put in a hospital to get me to eat once again. I really wished the author had written more about how the children of divorce sometimes become CENs.
Yep, my mom became an addicted to alcohol parent when she got married again 8 years later. I'll leave that to your imagination of how that was like. The last type that I see some of my mother in is the child as parent type mother. I would include in that section, the parent who makes their child their emotional partner which was true of me particularly when she was single and that continued on after she got married again. It was so bad that in my senior year of high school I got very angry and told her to let go of me for she was married now. Mom always called me her little man.
Also, I am not sure that her parents met her emotional needs, but that is not her overall category that I see her in. I see her in the Narcissistic category.
Like my mom told me when I was almost 30, she knew that she raised me in a way that would cause me a lot of pain but she could not help it. I was in too much pain at the time to really hear her.
This often produces in a child.
Feelings of emptiness.
Fear of being dependent.
Unrealistic self-appraisal.
No compassion for yourself, plenty for others.
Guilt, shame, self-directed anger, and blame.
Feeling fatally flawed.
Difficulty feeling, identifying, managing and/or expressing emotions.
There is a free online emotional neglect questionnaire that can help you see if you are such a person.
drjonicewebb dot com / cen qustionnaire
Not being allowed to have an identity other than as an extension of my parents who were well known in the community. Being used to further political aspirations. Not being allowed to be my own person, to have my own ideas, thoughts and plans for my future.
Some people may feel I am cold or mean, as I refuse to put any part of my life on hold to attend to my parents and step parents. But I did for so many years, in hopes of gaining their love and approval and now I know they will never change and if I get enmeshed in them again, I will be the only one who suffers.
Interesting. I’ve never really looked at it - my relationship with my mother - from this perspective.