My mom is in the moderate stages of ALZ. Sometimes she says things that make me wonder, "Has she always felt this way? Has she always thought this about me (or whoever)?" I suspect that with her disease that she just is not so capable of hiding her true feelings as she used to. For instance, she recently started acting as though she thought that I believe I am better than her. She very sarcastically stated, "Oh! I forgot!! You are one of the WILSONS from TIGNALL (my town)!!! Yeah, living in your NICE house, driving your FANCY car!!" Folks, I have an average house and drive a Nissan SUV. Nothing special at all!!! It came across to me that she resented me for something! And I truly feel that she may not have just started feeling this way since ALZ set in. So that led me to wonder whether ALZ may cause someone to lose their ability to keep such feelings and/or thoughts to themselves like they may have been doing in the past. I know they can become less filtered in things they say. And I know they can be hateful, even mean, at times. But I think at least SOME of what is said is from not being able to hold their feelings in. Does anyone else experience this?
"GET OUT"
"It's MY house!"
"Whatever I WANT!"
If I weren't so tired I'd think of more.
She's even referred to my dad, her beloved to whom she had been devoted 70+ years as "jerk" LOL
When I can't laugh about it, it is hurtful. Some old feelings have regenerated, as my out of state sister who has done zilch, not even responding to my emails to convey empathy remains the Good Daughter. Another person who was friends with my mother who is younger than mom/older than me shared some information that made it clear mom's judgemental nature threw bricks in the way of my having a social life and friends.
My only concern is that her snarky attitude may be picked up if we ever have help in the house and an outsider may take the comments seriously and think there is truth to the statement. She pulled an attitude when we were in with the neurologist who specialized in dementias who was a love. (also btw, she was sharp enough when they sent an envelope to her in error, to call and cancel the appt which we didn't know until the day of it! and had to reschedule) He asked her some questions and she made some snarky comment about my being responsible for her being there and he responded by saying how I loved her very much. It can get ugly. I am her enemy and her hatred comes out especially if she is being urged to do something like get out of the way when a bed is being delivered or someone is painting a wall etc.
I have my own theory too. From my experience, dementia presents itself within the personality of the "person who was". By that I mean, for the most part, if the person was controlling that continues. If the person was fairly easy going, that continues. But, those behaviors are distorted by the fear and uncertainty that the disease causes when the body slowly fails and the mind no longer cooperates. The disease robs in stages, so that sometimes we forget what it happening inside the life of the person we love. We take it personally, when it is not personal. (It's like taking a hurricane personally. Instead, we prepare and change our own behavior.) The internal struggles of dementia are personal and hidden. We can only guess the content of that struggle. It must be horrifying to try to hold onto who you are when those around you may be misunderstanding. Our roles as caregivers are multi-faceted: 1) treat our loved ones with compassion always 2) accept that we cannot insist that they respond as they once did - that's futile 3) care for ourselves fully 4) find ways to find joy in the days we have together.
Best to all
So, I agree with you...........lots of what they're saying to us comes from not being able to hold their feelings in.
Is it the disease or our LOs telling the truth...I don't know! Perhaps it is a little of both. Maybe at times there is some truth that has found its way out of the dark shadows of their mind and other times, it is their brain misfiring and mixing things up.
When my mother goes on saying something hurtful I tell her to stop and if she continues then I walk out of the room. If I can't walk out and she doesn't stop I just change the subject. I really don't let it get to me anymore. I just think of myself as a duck and her words are water that just rolls off my feathers!
What a very good subject! Just try not to take it personal...easier said than done! Right!
It really hurts when she tells me that I take care of her because they pay me.
Or the she hates me because Im bossy.
I have step back and remind myself that she is sick but I think the same thing.....is that really how she felt before all this Dementia thing started.
My mom did that to me. Let me first say that she kicked her own elderly mother out and then later in life when I lost my job and had moved in with her, I had to move out. What I heard in a meeting with Mom and the social worker was, "You live up there in your BIG house" and "I never kicked YOU out" as if I had done so to her (I didn't). My house almost qualifies as a "tiny home". Almost. It's very small.
I think my mother knew she was inflicting pain. I don't think she cared that the facts were wrong. Later her counselor told me that she was sharp as a tack. It doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with but the social worker told me that they can't control their emotions as well when they get older, but I didn't see anything different than what had gone on as far back as I remember. What's new to the nursing home wasn't new to me. I can empathize. And I think you're right.
Sure it can be hurtful - if you let it - but you have to accept first that normally wild horses wouldn’t have got them to say those things. Think of a kid doing or saying something without comprehending it may be a negative reaction they get.
It may seem like they “must know” but they actually don’t and would be disgusted at themselves if they did.
My aunt wouldn’t kiss her own sisters and saw them as a threat to her attentions from the man visiting - who was her own brother.
I remember her as a very “proper” headmistress. Yet this is the same person who would spit food on the floor, or hitch up her skirt in public for a good scratch “down below” when Alzheimers’s took away the person she was before, and would want to be remembered as.
I accepted both versions - the very strict lady who was always so smartly dressed and the one who had a twinkle in her eye for the men and a lack of comprehension re social niceties.
My father would make comments at times - I learnt that that’s how he saw things now. His logical mind before dementia would have dismissed the things as irrelevant before. So I just answered in a manner of fact way like you would a kid. If he said he didn’t like something I had/ used / wore - I’d just say well I do, so it’s a good job it’s my choice not yours!
Appreciate we are all different and have to find our own way of dealing with such issues. I hope you find your own way of coping with your mums negative type comments.
I think all of us have deep dark stuff we keep a lid on, but with FTD... no lid.
My mom with FTD looks me straight in the eye and calls me “the Devil” on a regular basis. This comes out clear as a bell even though she also suffers from Primary Progressive Aphasia and almost everything else is indecipherable. But before her Aphasia got so bad it was really hard to take her places as she was always calling out people as “fat.” And then there was the time she told me the food I served was “pig slop” and my dad almost fell off his chair because he was so glad I was at their condo cooking. FTD is nobody’s friend. It took awhile but I can laugh now and let it go. Hope you have reached that point too.
While it's difficult, try to learn how to shrug it off. You either have to learn to ignore it or you can go crazy. I learned how to shrug and ignore; changing the subject works a lot.
My "stiff old" great-great-aunt started swearing like a truck driver (sorry about insulting truck drivers) - old age really isn't for sissies.
Hang in there, you're still a blessing to your Mom.
A light bulb when on over my head because I finally realized how she was getting these ideas & it is what I call the Chinese menu memory - something from column A, something from column B, etc - my mom had taken bits of several memories & woven them together in a new but false one that she believed to the nth degree - once I told that I was a witness she seemed to realize what the real memory was & forgot about it all
She had a few times like that but when nobody could disprove them then she would start embellishing them as bigger & bigger - one was my uncle gave her a friendly tap on the knee so in April it was the mark was there for an hour by August it was black & blue for 2 weeks & she was about to miscarry [8 months] because of it
So when your mom says mean things it is not a real memory she is building on - your car is fancy for 1980's eyes, your home is great for someone who struggled when first married, you may have done something she wished she had done & at the time thought 'I wish I was able to have done that' with a small amount of envy but now it is jealousy of parts of your life she never did due to lack of education, money, courage etc.
You have no way of knowing if it is a real emotion of jealousy or a fabricated one so when dealing with a LO with dementia err on the side of 'false memory' especially if it is out of the blue - she could also be mixing you up with someone else [do you look like her sister/aunt?] that she had a strained relationship with so then she transfers that to you -
When you give a child a treat for being good is it a 'bribe' or a 'reward'? .... depends on the person's attitude who sees it but the kid still got a treat whatever you call it & so it is with dementia it can all be in the person's perception of a small thing can colour how they react
My Gram had negative thoughts about her brother-in-law, who shared a business with my Gramps. They argued and eventually Gramps sold his half of the business to his brother. Was it a nasty time in the family? Yes. I told Gram that it was unfortunate and painful but reminded her of happier, more recent times with that brother-in-law and that side of the family. I thanked her for trying to forgive and let go. Then, I hugged her, let her know I loved her, and most importantly... changed the subject.
Hang on to laughing (with your sister, not at your mother!) at any bizarre, unfiltered statements you are able to laugh at, no matter what motivates your mother to say them.
Humor is a powerful tool in coping with caregiving. Thanks to everyone's reminder to laugh when we can.
I think that people lash out when the are under stress in much the same way that a pet will bite it's owner when afraid or hurt. None of us live in a vacuum so we ALL have learned the words and actions that can wound others, we even think about them when we are angry or feeling under pressure - that just means we are human. When our brains are functioning our better self recognizes these impulses as being temporary, cruel and destructive and we don't act on them, with dementia all the filters erode and every nasty thought and action that comes into our head can come out.