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The assisted living home requires a meet and greet with my mother before actual move in. I think after the visit she will refuse to go back. How to handle the situation would be greatly appreciated.
Does she have cognitive decline or dementia? Are you the POA? I’d likely approach it depending on various factors. Can you arrange to have lunch in the dining room and the administrator greet her while she’s in dining room....keeping it friendly and casual? But, if she doesn’t want to stay, they can’t hold her there against her will. Would she agree to stay for just a little while to help with her mobility, diet or to regain her strength? Sometimes, keeping it on a short term basis works initially. I hope you get some more responses. I know it’s tough. When I took my LO it was difficult, but her doctor had told her that she HAD to go to AL, because it was not safe for her to live alone. Her doctor was very firm with her, so I was able to get her to agree to stay long enough to get better.
The home is completely used to this. Let them take the lead. CAll them before you go and express your concerns and ask how they think she should be handled.
When my sweet client had to move to AL, she had lunch there about 3 times, met a lot of people, saw her apartment, got to choose what furniture she'd need, where she'd put things, etc. She actually also had a couple of her grandkids go with her, slowly making the place less scary.
When she finally moved in, it was kind of a relief and she settled in beautifully. She was a sweetheart and kind and loving, even as she moved slowly through Parkinson's. Her basic personality made the change fine.
If your mom is not as sociable, she will have a longer and harder time, but she'll adapt. Follow the lead of the AL and let her acclimate.
Have someone be with mom while others move the furniture of hers you are taking to AL. Arrange things as close to her prior house as possible. Have everything done when you take her to new place. TV, phone, pictures hung bathroom set up with supplies. My mom felt immediately comfortable said she felt like she was still at her house!
My mom has memory problems. She knew she needed to move out but emotionally she was unable to take the steps to do so herself. I lived in another state at the time. They evaluated her at her home and accepted her. She then independently went to the facility and signed the paper work and wrote them a check.we reminded her daily of her upcoming move. On moving day she claims no one told her she was moving. She was having nothing less than a temper tantrum. So, right before the moving trucks got there I took mom out for a drive while my husband stayed there and dealt with the movers. When I drove back, I drove straight to the facility. She was very unhappy. She didn’t remember she was moving. But for a long time she remembered I tricked her that day. She did finally let it go. And we eventually moved her to a new place down here where we now live. Now she talks about how wonderful her old place was compared to her new place. But I am spoiling her now and she usually has a smile in her face and seems happy.
Do you have any backup? The morning I was to take my mom into AL, she absolutely refused to go. She had fallen and spent 10 hours in the tub the previous day so hers was to be a temporary stay in AL until she regained her strength. When she started telling me I was being bossy and mean, I calmly suggested she call my sister ( who lives 9 hours away and she never argues with) to see what she thought. I had realized this would probably happen and had arranged for my sister to be available by phone that morning. When she heard my sister say that she should go to the AL, she complied. She’s been there since Dec 2019 and loves the staff and the residents.
I hope all goes well for you both. This is so difficult.
Have you explained your concerns about the preliminary “visit” to the AL staff?
I am quite sure that my LO would have ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to go back if she’d sensed the slightest possibility to do so.
For some clients, the visit might seem a gracious and comforting preparation, but for others, getting there and becoming resigned to the change that has come to their lives simply needs to be structured differently.
If the AL can offer an alternative to the visit, it’s only fair to consider their recommendation, but the bottom line is, you know your LO.
Hoping all goes peacefully and comfortably for all of you involved.
I truly hope this goes well for you.. I have no advise...my mom was terrible, mean, abusive.. at one point I swear she would of hit me with her closed fist if she could have reached me. Insisted on moving absolutely as much as possible into her studio apartment. Including the huge rocks out of the front yard...I look back and wonder how I did it all. I am out of state, moved my mom, help fix the roof leak on trailer to get it ready to sell, empty the mobile home.(my moms caregiver came and took most of what I had to get rid of, saving grace) Thank goodness my mom kept a clean home...no siblings to help, extended family didn’t lift a hand...
Oh, there would have been no way my Dad would have ever gone back after greet and meet. I would let the new place know that she won’t go back if she does the meet and greet first. Good luck!
Questions: 1) Was this move at any time her idea? 2) No mention of cognitive decline - is there any? 3) If answer to 1&2 are no, what is the reason for the move?
If your mother hasn't been deemed incompetent and also hasn't made the decision to move to AL, exactly how and why is this being done? Even with a Dx of dementia, we can't force someone to move. My mother's pre-dementia plans included moving to AL, but post-dementia you'd think they were all dirt hovel prisons. We already had POA etc, done many years before the need to move. EC atty told me we could not force her to move. Staff also told me they are not allowed to force a resident to do anything they are refusing to do (showers, medications, exams, outings, etc.) So, if your mother is considered competent and hasn't agreed to this move, I don't see any tips for helping the situation. If she did agree, but has changed her mind, she is well within her rights.
If you respond telling us she has dementia, that changes things. It also helps because there are suggestions that might work.
Talk about refusing....I have to “hide” mix meds with chocolate pudding or apple sauce. Eye drops now my mother insists are “poison” & will cause blindness. I can stand there till the cows 🐄 come home...no amount of explanation that they’re to keep her sight...so I have to hold down her hands from hitting me...& put drops in corner of her eyes & then pry her eyes open so they go in! I realize a facility will not ever go through this trouble to keep her from going blind...but I figure she’s lost almost everything else & that’s only thing left...her sight...it gives me stomach pains to do it because she becomes the Incredible Hulk! Hugs 🤗
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
When my sweet client had to move to AL, she had lunch there about 3 times, met a lot of people, saw her apartment, got to choose what furniture she'd need, where she'd put things, etc. She actually also had a couple of her grandkids go with her, slowly making the place less scary.
When she finally moved in, it was kind of a relief and she settled in beautifully. She was a sweetheart and kind and loving, even as she moved slowly through Parkinson's. Her basic personality made the change fine.
If your mom is not as sociable, she will have a longer and harder time, but she'll adapt. Follow the lead of the AL and let her acclimate.
Does it have to be at the facility? The facility director came to our house to meet my mom. Have you discussed your concerns with them?
I hope all goes well for you both. This is so difficult.
I am quite sure that my LO would have ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to go back if she’d sensed the slightest possibility to do so.
For some clients, the visit might seem a gracious and comforting preparation, but for others, getting there and becoming resigned to the change that has come to their lives simply needs to be structured differently.
If the AL can offer an alternative to the visit, it’s only fair to consider their recommendation, but the bottom line is, you know your LO.
Hoping all goes peacefully and comfortably for all of you involved.
1) Was this move at any time her idea?
2) No mention of cognitive decline - is there any?
3) If answer to 1&2 are no, what is the reason for the move?
If your mother hasn't been deemed incompetent and also hasn't made the decision to move to AL, exactly how and why is this being done? Even with a Dx of dementia, we can't force someone to move. My mother's pre-dementia plans included moving to AL, but post-dementia you'd think they were all dirt hovel prisons. We already had POA etc, done many years before the need to move. EC atty told me we could not force her to move. Staff also told me they are not allowed to force a resident to do anything they are refusing to do (showers, medications, exams, outings, etc.) So, if your mother is considered competent and hasn't agreed to this move, I don't see any tips for helping the situation. If she did agree, but has changed her mind, she is well within her rights.
If you respond telling us she has dementia, that changes things. It also helps because there are suggestions that might work.
Talk about refusing....I have to “hide” mix meds with chocolate pudding or apple sauce. Eye drops now my mother insists are “poison” & will cause blindness. I can stand there till the cows 🐄 come home...no amount of explanation that they’re to keep her sight...so I have to hold down her hands from hitting me...& put drops in corner of her eyes & then pry her eyes open so they go in! I realize a facility will not ever go through this trouble to keep her from going blind...but I figure she’s lost almost everything else & that’s only thing left...her sight...it gives me stomach pains to do it because she becomes the Incredible Hulk!
Hugs 🤗