Mom was emotionally abusive growing up and I put my life on hold when her and dad divorced. Haven’t lived near her since I married. Very verbally abusive over the years. Many “I’m cutting you off” comments. She is now living with friends after selling her house and then cancelling going back to England. Doc says she shouldn’t live or travel alone. There is a spot for her in assisted living, but she is angry and calls me mean. Now she wants to make me POA. What options do I have if I don’t do it? I know it sounds harsh, but I am also in FL with 3 kids of my own. I can’t just run up there when necessary. I tried to move her down a few years ago. I was even buying her a condo and it was under contract. She backed out and said “she wouldn’t be told where to live”. 2 years later, after she was in tears about being so far from us. I tried to move her down again. but was met with same resistance after finding her a place. Now she is out of options. The nursing home is nice and I know people there. I know it sounds like I’m being heartless. But for my own mental health I can’t do this anymore. Just this morning she said I was “Mean and uncaring”. 😞
"Sorry, mom. Either you move here or I can't be your POA."
Daughter should just say, no I cannot be POA.
No excuses no reason just six simple words NO I cannot be your POA.
Based on your post you owe your abusive mother nothing.
You owe yourself a peaceful and beautiful life. And to do that you cannot be in charge of your mother's life.
It won't be easy. You will feel guilty but do not let guilt allow you to falter or waiver in your resolve to not be your mother's keeper.
Don't go into the logistics discussion, just tell her it isn't feasible and you want only the best for her.
A POA is a tool. You are a representative for the person. Most POAs do not come into effect until the person is declared incompetent to make informed decisions. You use none of your own money.
My Mom didn't have much especially after Medicaid but she had a house which did not sell till after her death. POA can be a big responsibility. I think your too far away to handle what goes with it.
Plus, you do not have a good relationship with her. Be glad she did not take you up on the Condo. Tell her she is better finding someone closer. One of her friends,or a lawyer.
With your Mothers background, she may think a POA is the way she can control you.
Just say no. That policy has to work for something, right?
Back to your situation, if you think it's this bad dealing with her from a distance now, wait till you move her closer to you. It will be he!!. I guarantee you that. You will live to regret that decision until the day she dies.
Your mom is the mean and uncaring one. You're not.
Mom: You're mean and uncaring
You: I know you are, but what am I?
You're not heartless either. Self protection is not heartless. It's common sense. If you bring her near you, not only you ruin your life, you'll ruin your family and your marriage, too. Don't do it. Don't become her POA.
You can find or tell her to find a certified elder law attorney that has fiduciary services. They can be her POA. (www.nelf.org)
Please do not offer to move her closer. She is obviously not a nice, loving mom and she will create a living nightmare for you if she is close. Everything will be ALL your fault and will give her justification to be more abusive.
She has made her choices, you get to make yours and NO, is a complete sentence.
It is NEVER a good idea to take responsibility for anyone that abuses us.
Who really cares what she thinks of you? Her opinion is not important and she only shows how little she thinks of you when she spews her hateful words.
https://www.aginglifecare.org
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/info-2020/geriatric-care-manager.html