I'm just going to say it... I don't think I'm cut out to care for my mum when she may need it!
I have been reading on this forum for a couple of months. I just don't think I have it in me to care for her. Our relationship is very strained and I feel very distant from her emotionally. She can be very difficult to be around. She can make everyone hate life around her if someone upsets her. I now know it will only get worse as time goes on. I know there are people who will think I'm a awful daughter and that's okay. She never wanted to take care of me when I was young and sick as a child. (nothing serious, just kids being sick) She would leave me alone, or tell me to get away from her...she did not want to catch it. She is larger than me. And she expects too much. She expects everyone to change their life to fit her life. (move to her and quit my job, she's in her mid 70's and pretty healthy) I know this would just be the start. She wants me to be her personal assistant or her be the big dog and I would be the little dog. She does not like my husband and this would become an issue. I'm afraid after a while I would not be nice to her. I don't want that to happen, I love her. But I need to make sure she is safe and being taken care of each day. I'm thankful for this forum and going to counseling to help me see what I need to do for BOTH of our mental health. Thank you!
Who else feels this way?
I don't care what others think, they haven't walk in my shoes. If it bugs them they are welcome to take care of them, I won't.
I will make sure, to the best of my ability that they know the resources available to them and what choices they have based on their circumstances. It is more than they ever did for me.
I think it is great that there are people that can and want to care for their parents, they obviously had different dynamics then you or I did.
Don't worry what others think, you have to protect yourself from people that would devour you, even when their names are mom and dad.
Hugs and cheers for discovering this before.
be their slave, they both abandoned their own parents. One to their care of a
sibling who was exhausted, and the other in a NH, rarely called and visited
once or twice a year. They, however, made it clear they expected daily help
and constant attention. The weirdest thing is that I never thought about how they treated their own parents until I came here on this forum. Never
occurred to me how insanely hypocritical and exploitative this double standard was.
So, why is this an issue for you at all?
Now, you know this going in. You are aware of your own limitations and needs. You know you don’t want to do it. If she is already requiring care or will be in the near future, make a plan. Involve family members. Get POA. Get her finances in order and research how to file for Medicaid if necessary. If she’s living in her own home, ask an attorney how to handle that process.
We support you and understand your not wanting to do this. So, we shouldn’t get a post in six months from you saying you caved in, Mom is living with you and you’re at your wits end and burned out. Do what you feel is right.
You don't think your mother has repeated this at monthly intervals over a twenty year period more for the fun of getting a rise out of you than in the expectation you will agree to be her caregiver?
Worry about her future care when it happens. If u do get her to assign you POAs, all they mean is she is giving you the ability to make decisions on her behalf when she can no longer make informed decisions. It does not mean you are her servant. Just makes things a lot easier when the time comes where she isn't paying bills or needs LTC.
All you owe Mom is like you said, to keep her fed, safe and clean. You don't have to be hands on to do that. Just tell her you will make sure she is in a nice AL or NH.😊
But I was pretty good at being a logistical caregiver finding answers to my parents aging issues.
Both my mom and MIL have indicated that expected to live with us - to which we consistently say as politely as possible - "no, we are not set up for that, but we will help you move to assisted living and visit you there". We don't want to fight about it now - but we don't want them either to think that silence is acquiescence.
and stepping in without knowing how years of your life will be consumed with
one crisis after another. And just when you're catching your breath, the manufactured crisis begin. Which are worse. Give me health difficulties over
toxic drama any day.
First, let me say how proud I am of you for recognizing your own emotions surrounding this subject. And I do not feel you are a terrible person, nor a terrible daughter.
For anyone to judge you would prove their inability to support, direct, guide or comfort you.
I am not a professional mental health provider. But I am a veteran caregiver and disabled myself. With 17 years of medical background, and years of supporting others, I assure you taking time to heal broken bonds is far more important.
Anyone can empty a bed pan, but not anyone can be her daughter. Furthermore, you must take care of your needs to be any help to others.
My family tried to care for my grandmother, who was a bitter and angry woman. Much like what you describe. What it resulted in was a lot of abuse by her hands. In the end she was placed at a rest home equipped to help her.
The family damage was life altering. I have carried those wounds as others did. What I learned helps me to this day.
Not everyone is in the right place to be a caregiver. It's not a failing. You researching other options for her is just as loving. Some have nobody to even provide that support.
Maybe no one will say it to you. But with what you shared, it would likely be a terrible experience for both of you and perhaps put your marriage at risk as well.
Care giving is hard, thankless, time consuming, depriving at times and once locked in others are slow to come to your aid.
So no one should ever start that engine without the proper fuel. And that fuel works best in an environment of trust, unity and within healthy personal boundaries.
I offer the comfort that looking to professional guidance for your Mom is likely best. Spend time looking for resources for her and step back to be the daughter.
On a side note, and totally unsolicited. Maybe finding someone to hear out your pains would be life enhancing.
Dealing with that can allow you the strength to keep saying no when needed and yes when able. It is a gift to give oneself.
I am glad you came here and were open and honest. I hope others support you.
If I can support you further visit me at AngelsofOurOctober.com Where free support is offered for those looking at complex issues in the home.
And of course this site is brimming full of many resources I faithfully make use of myself and trust-sincerely PJ
It's been challenging but she has helped me with housekeeping when she was healthier. Now that her health is waning and I no longer have children home, it is getting hard. Resentment sets in when you see your siblings enjoying their empty nest years and visiting 1-2 times a year. I plan to keep caring for my mom until she needs nursing and then we will consider facilities.
What everyone says in previous comments is spot on. It's hard and it does affect your overall attitude and quality of life. But it seems to be the right thing to do. I have many moments when I feel trapped and my future looks so full of stress.
If you do go down this path, I recommend you join a caregiver support group that meets regularly and go and let your frustrations out. Spiritual support for you is paramount, too. If you put her in a far room in the house or build a small addition, ever better. When you are disconnected from your mother, there is no emotional love/feedback to keep you going. At least when caring for a disabled child, your natural motherly instincts and love drive you but not so with a negative mother (mine is).
It is also paramount that you keep your needs as high a priority as your own. Exercise and socialize and hire someone to be with your mother while you are out even if she threatens misery. My mother tells the help to leave, though, and if you find help that is clever and talk their way into staying, pay them well!
Anyway, that's my two cents worth. I hope it helps.
MIndy
The thing is. There is no situation. Your mother is in her mid 70s and pretty healthy. She has been needling you about this topic since she was in her mid 50s; you have stood your ground; she's still needling you; and there is still no prospect of your actually becoming her caregiver. She's been pushing the same button for *twenty years* and it's still working?
So before there is even any direct threat, you're already devoting this much energy and worry to justifying your right to prevent a situation that cannot possibly develop without your active agreement.
If your mother did need care, and you and your husband decided that your home was in no way the right setting, nobody can even require that you show your reasoning. You say no. You can even, if need be, get your husband to be the bad cop - it might make a refreshing change for him to deserve your mother's disapproval.
I just don't think your anxiety is really about becoming your mother's caregiver or about justifying why you shouldn't. It's too nebulous a proposition to keep you awake at night in this way, for this long.
So what is going on? What are you really afraid of?
I had to become her legal guardian because the stroke left her paralyzed and unable to speak.
Being thrust into her life when she's in this condition has taken its toll on me because its all very confusing. Everything from family members, medical, financial, domestic, etc. all her issues have had to be dealt with on a daily basis.
Care giving is very challenging.
I believe not all people have it in them to go thru a stressful
situation as caregiving.
I would say to you
if you feel very strongly that you will not be able to handle the situation for an unknown amount of time, than do everything you need to make sure that when your loved one comes to the time
where she requires additional help in life all of the arrangements are made to secure that your loved one is taken care of by someone, some place, whatever, as long as she is taken care of.
in your cause it might be better to visit mom often and leave the care giving to someone else you trust.
I wholeheartedly agree with Leonine1 and many others below! You have only one life to live, so set your boundaries, get psychological support for yourself and physical help for your mom outside your home. And do your best without making yourself guilty and anxious! Best of luck to you.