I am very tired of lying to my father. I tell him he can come home if he works with PT and gets stronger he can come home. That is a lie, my mother and sister won't let him come home even if he does regain strength in his legs. He keeps asking me when he can come home? I have to lie to him to tell him that he needs all his strength I feel bad telling him that he could possibly come home when I know he can't. He's got just enough sense to realize he's in a place he doesn't want to be. There's been several lies we've told him, his sister recently died and momma decided not to tell him and I feel awful about that too - even though there was nothing he could do. But even though I disagree with mom, I do see why she didn't want to say anything.
Should I tell him the truth and be honest or keep that little glimmer of hope alive so he won't just give up? I want him to be comfortable if not resigned to being there, but I just wish there was something I could do other than just visiting him. I've tried to play games with him, do the crossword puzzle with him, anything to get him interactive but he gets so frustrated cause he doesn't understand the rules or it's a bit difficult, he just shuts down and refuses to cooperate.
I know ya'll are probably tired of hearing me talk about my guilt and I'm sorry, but ya'll are about the only ones who understand - I mean my husband is excellent about trying to help but even he gets tired of me - just going around in circles and spinning my wheels...
I appreciate all ya'll listening to me, thank you
what ever you tell them if like my hubby only remembers for 5 seconds. I also suggest doing jigsaw puzzles w him. Maybe only 29 or 75 large children’s puzzles. Praise him for each piece he does. We also did simple dot to dot w large numbers. Praise them as much as you can cause remember 5 second memory.
My hubby passed suddenly after 12 yrs of ALZ & 3 mons. In memory care.. My heart goes out to all as it is a horrible puzzling disease.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband, I hope you've found peace.
You could drop the "you can come home if" half of what you're telling him. Stick to "do your PT and let's see." Or, "we'll just have to see how it goes." Or, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Or even "I just don't know, Dad. But meanwhile, let's do x, y, z and make the best of things, eh."
It isn't guilt, by the way, it's sadness. It's sad that your father needs this level of care, and sad that he can't himself grasp the situation, and sad that your mother and your sister and you don't see eye to eye altogether on what's best for him. But, so, - stop expecting yourself to get over it and stop "going in circles." You are having a normal response to a sad situation, it is *hard*. Be kind to yourself.
I'd add that 'telling the truth' is a value or behavior we are taught as children. It is intrinsically woven in the fiber of 'American values. However, this moral fiber of truth telling DOES NOT INCLUDE dealing with brain disease/cognitive decline. Communicating with a person inflicted with dementia is learning a new language, a new way to express that language. Some people with dementia only have HOPE. Don't take that away.
There are grey areas or speaking as a designer/artist, there are different shades, tones and tints to a hue; there is a spectrum of truth, and hope is a part of it. It is not a black and white situation and needs to be tactfully addressed. Taking hope away leaves stark blackness.
Every time I visited my elderly, confused father, I talked up the "benefits" of where he currently resided, how he could get coffee 24/7 and snacks from the coffee station, how somebody else was doing the cooking and cleaning, etc. I would remind him that he had several strokes (which was true) and how it was no longer safe for him to live alone in his house, how the house had become a booby trap for his shuffling gait, etc.
In other words - I never came out directly and told him that he was never going home. But I did "talk up the benefits" of his new existence and pointed out the drawbacks of his old existence.
Once he began to make the association of the house as an "unsafe" place and the ALF/NH as a "more safe" place, he talked less about his life at the old house and seemed to accept his new residence.
Distraction often works. Outright disagreement with someone with dementia is seldom helpful, so you need to strike a tricky balance. Don't promise the possibility of going "home" if that is not possible. Distract him as much as possible. Don't contradict him, and try to help him settle in his new environment.
Sorry, but as numerous respondents have said, there is no easy answer.
Love and prayers.
This is one area where becoming the parent and filtering the negative is to be applied. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
Hi. I have the same situation with my mom.
She hates where she is and there is nothing I can do about it.
It breaks my heart everyday.
But to your question
i choose to still leave hope in telling my mom maybe she can come home but I really can’t tell you when yet.
She feels like she still has an out when I say this too her but now after 8 months of being there she is trying to settle in Alittle but everyday she says can I leave now...,
Its hard I know. It doesn’t seem to affect my family members as it does me.
I say give him a little hope or they will just get really depressed.
I hope this helps.
I say to myself everyday I’m doing what’s best for my mom so I don’t feel so guilty and upset....
We have tried both with our mother who is 91 and living in memory care. Nothing sticks. She keeps asking the same questions over and over. Dad died in 2011 and she doesn't remember that. She thinks that her mother, my grandmother is worried about her and doesn't know where she is. She calls us and is afraid and cries and has gotten very angry in the past. It is heart breaking.
Mom knows she is in a "lock down" situation and on one level I understand her frustration. I am questioning the capabilities of the staff there (I have met some of them, they seem OK) but how well are they trained for this kind of care? It is most distressing for anyone because of the behavior.
Mom still knows who we are and has a good support system of friends and relatives who visit her and take her places; and it is always so hard to visit and then to have to leave. My brother, after his last visit, turned around and went back because Mom was so heart broken.
Then I changed the subject to anything that would engage him.
I have the same difficulty with therapeutic fibs, I am not a good fibber and anyone that knows me can see right through the fibs, I don't think I need to learn how at this age, but I didn't want the same conversation that led to no where every day.
How are you doing, finding ways to take care of you and divert dad?
Hugs, it is so difficult to travel this journey.
Do not tell him she died. He will feel bad and then he will forget that she died and will ask again, you tell him again and he thinks she just died and will go through the mourning again then forget, repeat, repeat.....
Same thing with telling him he can not come home. He will feel bad, will be upset and when you return he will ask again, he will feel bad, be upset, repeat, repeat.
You could vary it and tell him..
when the Doctor thinks it is safe for him to come home....
When he is stronger he can come home.....
Redirect the conversation, go for a walk with him either a "walk" or with him using a walker or in a wheelchair. A different view, point out the lovely garden, the art work on the wall, go get a snack. (I could redirect my Husband with a cookie and some lemonade!)
Do not feel guilty about the "therapeutic lies" we all do it, have done it or will do it.
Many people will say they "want to go home" and they actually mean back to when they felt well both mentally and physically. So "home" might not be a place but a time.
Blessings,
Paula
Hugs.
You obviously love your father very much.
That’s apparent.
You worded your post in such a way as to indicate you might be at odds with your sister and mother over your dad’s care. Look at that a bit. You might be caught up in a right vs wrong pattern with mom. That’s all subjective.
I second the suggestion on pet therapy.
Do you have a dog? A therapy dog could really comfort your dad and it could be a special bond between the two of you. No rules to remember. Just pet the dog. When you come in the door he will be happy to see you and the dog. You could visit awhile and let him watch the dog and then leave until the next time. See what’s available in your area. I lost a dear friend (Alz) a year ago and the dogs she had access to were an obvious comfort to her.
Music of his era is also a comfort. Simple enough to pull up YouTube on your phone and hear a couple of songs. Ask him if he likes this song. You might find him singing along. Your mom might be able to help you come up with old favorites. These are things he can hang onto going forward for a good while. Sure he will still get anxious about where he is and what’s happened to his world. You can’t fix that but you might be able to make him more comfortable while you are visiting. That’s a good feeling for you to take home with you rather than the guilt you have now. And regardless of what you are able to do or not do, don’t doubt your love.
Hugs
My wonderful LO mourned terribly when she entered a nearby AL, and would call for her mother and sisters, long deceased, and say she had to get back to them. I would often say “I’ll take care of that” or “I’ll be sure they don’t worry” or similar
comments. HER BELIEF was that her mother and sisters are still living. There was no way besides breaking her that I could have ever convinced her that they were gone. That being so, how could I claim to be compassionate and protective of her if I had tried?
She was always a very anxious woman, and I could see absolutely no way to justify exposing her to more anxiety by telling her facts that I could not change
about a life that she no longer had access to.
If you love your father you will look for ways to help him become comfortable and relaxed. The words “safe, protected, and comfortable” justify whatever alterations you need to make to “truth”.
I visit often and enjoy discussing things with her that she finds interesting. He may just like you to visit, and be with him, and not try to entertain him.
I remember very clearly the awfulness of “spinning”when my mom became total care. She lived for 5 1/2 much better years in a local nursing home than she’d lived in her own home for the 25 years before that.
If you happen to be religious, you might consider this short poem, that my present LO taught me when my mom (her sister) began to require full time care-
“If in Life, You do your Best-
God with Love, Will do the Rest”.
Hope you find peace.