I am very tired of lying to my father. I tell him he can come home if he works with PT and gets stronger he can come home. That is a lie, my mother and sister won't let him come home even if he does regain strength in his legs. He keeps asking me when he can come home? I have to lie to him to tell him that he needs all his strength I feel bad telling him that he could possibly come home when I know he can't. He's got just enough sense to realize he's in a place he doesn't want to be. There's been several lies we've told him, his sister recently died and momma decided not to tell him and I feel awful about that too - even though there was nothing he could do. But even though I disagree with mom, I do see why she didn't want to say anything.
Should I tell him the truth and be honest or keep that little glimmer of hope alive so he won't just give up? I want him to be comfortable if not resigned to being there, but I just wish there was something I could do other than just visiting him. I've tried to play games with him, do the crossword puzzle with him, anything to get him interactive but he gets so frustrated cause he doesn't understand the rules or it's a bit difficult, he just shuts down and refuses to cooperate.
I know ya'll are probably tired of hearing me talk about my guilt and I'm sorry, but ya'll are about the only ones who understand - I mean my husband is excellent about trying to help but even he gets tired of me - just going around in circles and spinning my wheels...
I appreciate all ya'll listening to me, thank you
It isn't guilt, by the way, it's sadness. It's sad that your father needs this level of care, and sad that he can't himself grasp the situation, and sad that your mother and your sister and you don't see eye to eye altogether on what's best for him. But, so, - stop expecting yourself to get over it and stop "going in circles." You are having a normal response to a sad situation, it is *hard*. Be kind to yourself.
Tired of hearing you... Well, I'm not, but then I don't live with you. I expect your husband does wish things were different and does wish you could step aside emotionally from a problem you can't solve. It is tiring, I can't disagree. But if it's tiring for your audience, how tiring is it for you? You're the one who can't help thinking about it night and day.
Do you do anything like physical exercise or dance or meditation, actively try to take a break from the mental strain?
i have a checklist- in order- safe, healthy and happy. Happiness is not always possible... but keeping them safe is something we can control. Health is also dependent upon outside factors but we can provide access to healthy environments....
So, do whatever you need to do to ensure your dad is safe and healthy. And if it means you fib a little, it is what it is! You are acting in the best interest of your dad to make sure he remains safe/healthy. Happiness may take a little longer, but he will adjust, in time.
Telling lies. I know, we are conditioned that this is wrong. But your Dad has lost the ability to reason that he can't come home because Mom can't care for him. And "home" may not be where he lives now. It maybe his childhood home. Maybe change the fib. Tell him he has to be 100% and then you'll discuss home.
The semantics of your situation are working against you. A “lie” is an attempt to deceive, devalue, defraud, deprive.
Your dad’s mind is already misunderstanding “fact”. His “facts” are NOT what you see as BLACK AND WHITE.
For you to soften his thoughts and beliefs by allowing yourself to begin to think in HIS shadowy shades of gray is not a MORAL lapse. It is potential source of peace for both of you.
I see from your profile that your Dad has Alzheimer's/Dementia. It may be possible that "home" means his childhood home. My Mom [98] did that when she was in Rehab and it took awhile for me figure out she wanted to see her parents and siblings.
One time I had to use a therapeutic fibs to get my parents to update their Will, which was older than dirt. I fibbed by saying the way the Will was written, the State would get half of their assets. That got Dad's attention, and I made an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to have all their legal documents updated.
So, don't be afraid to fib. I know it isn't easy, it wasn't for me, neither, but I had to do it. Oh the guilt :P
Your looking at it the wrong way. Every time you fib or divert and get something done in their favor is a victory, not something to be guilty about.