I'm worried about fire. Other than smoke alarms, what could I do to protect myself?
Hi folks. Things are really ramping up here. My mother refuses to go to a retirement residence for a respite stay. She told her caseworker that she will charge me with "elder abuse" and "coercion" if I force her to go. I have already contacted a lawyer, the one we went through for the property transfer, and she assured me that everything was done to the letter of the law. This doesn't help my mind, though, because I do not like fighting. We are walking on eggshells in our own home!
Mom told me to stay the f**k out of her life, and I am happily complying. It's a nice break, tbh! The difficult part is that she is now cooking in the middle of the night! The cooking issue was one of the main reasons she wasn't able to stay home alone. She is doing it to be spiteful. Last week I cooked her pork chops, chicken breasts, chicken thighs, steamed veggies and soup. She told the worker that all she had to eat was mustard sandwiches!!! Thankfully the PSW was here and showed her all the food that Mom left to rot in her fridge. Out of pure spite.
Anyways, the cooking thing. I am really worried. If she wants to burn the house down with just herself in it, whatever. But not with me in it!
We have smoke detectors, but I'm wondering what else I could do. I could turn the breakers off before bed, but she might claim elder abuse again! Any ideas?
PS The caseworker said she thinks Mom is "paranoid and delusional" and has ordered a geriatric assessment! Finally!!!
If this is an older home and you have a fuse box ask an electrician if a switch can be placed at the back of the stove that will turn it off, sort of like unplugging it.
Or if you can remove all the knobs that will turn on the stove top do that. And many stoves have a "lock" feature that will prevent the oven from being turned on.
If it is getting unsafe for her to remain at home and unsafe for you for her to remain at home the only option is to place her in Memory Care.
She is undertaking activities that are UNSAFE and INAPPROPRIATE. Why the
h*** is she living in your home ANYWAY.
YOUR responsibility, if any, is to provide a SAFE environment for you both to live in, and NOT to cater to her ill advised conduct.
If she claims “elder abuse” ALL THE BETTER. That will force the need for assessment and an alternative plan for living arrangements.
She does NOT have the legal option to refuse anything that is essential for her safe care, and you’ve been TOLD THAT.
YOUR choice, if you “…don’t like fighting…” is to go to bed every night with the fear that the smoke may not awaken you in time when it gets from the kitchen to where you sleep.
“Fighting” is NOT the same as taking good care of YOURSELF, and being objective and not emotional, when meeting her care needs.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. Many of us have lived through it and come through on the other side. Be brave and confident in caring for your needs as well as hers.
The fighting part was in reference to a possible "legal battle" if in her mind she think she's being abused. Mostly I'm saddened by it, because even though she's like this, she's my Mom, and I want to protect her...from herself!
If the assessment shows she's unable to make her own care decisions, then she will be placed against her will. Which is so sad. Getting old is awful.
If it shows she *is* capable, then I don't actually know what we will do. Send her away or leave ourselves... Get a lawyer and do whatever is best for our health and sanity and marriage, I suppose!
I don't wish her dead, but I also cannot wait to get to the other side of this!!!
I'd advise to you to -have a fireproof box or fireproof safe for important papers, jewelry, cash, checks, et al. -If you have a computer/laptop, regularly back up your files either to The Cloud or onto hard drives stored in your fireproof box/safe. -Be aware of very special items that you might grab and toss out windows if it's safe for you to do so. -How would you grab your mother and get her and you out of the house should you be blinded from smoke?
I wish you the best in taking care of your mother. I'm so sorry you're having to fight so hard to take care of her.
https://iguardfire.com/
Congrats on the eval.
We checked and it was over 15k and we have an attic space that makes it cheaper.
We put a siren on the smoke alarms for 150.00 bucks.
This way you can guarantee to not sleep through the alarm that smoke detectors have.
Every room should have a smoke alarm in it. Studies have shown that people can sleep through the alarms that are centrally located in houses.
I think you would be well within your rights to flip the breaker after a certain time. I wouldn't worry about her claiming abuse. Her social worker now knows this is her tactic to get her own way.
You have to do whatever you can to protect everyone in the house, whether she likes it or not.
Enough is enough.
I am a bit confused, so please bear with me.
You mentioned a house transfer. Was Mum's home transferred to you? Is this the house you all live in together?
Or did Mum move in with you and your family?
How is the house set up? Does Mum have a separate suite? You mentioned cooking for her and rotting food in her fridge, so it sounds like she has her own kitchen. Was this food prep, before you went away?
It is good that you have the PSW there to set the case worker straight when Mum is lying. And it is fantastic that the CW has referred for an assessment. Hopefully it will not take too long to get that appointment scheduled.
If the case worker was assigned when Mum made prior complaints, I would get her onside and ask her advice on how best to keep Mum safe in t e meantime. Having a record of the conversation will go along way if Mum raises a ruckus again.
You have to keep yourselves safe. Turning off the breaker to her stove is not abuse, no matter how much Mum may yell and complain. She can utter as many threats as she wants, nobody will take her seriously, but she may cause more disruption.
It may not seem proper, but I would be recording all your interactions with her. Just audio would be enough to show that she is irrational. Also keep a diary of 'events' and share them with the specialist ahead of her appointment. Time of day may be a factor in her behaviour issues, so make sure you record it too.
APS will see this situation for what it is (a paranoid delusional elder with dementia).
Maybe YOU should call APS yourself and ask them to talk to mom about how things are going. They might be able to help get her placed.
a product I saw pitched on Shark Tank by firemen. I did not realize it was so inexpensive compared to risk without it.
Thanks for the reminder... I plan to get one now because recently when I woke up from a nap my husband told me there was a "problem" with the stove... never did understand what the "problem" was but he seemed to think it was left on and was trying to turn it off. Fortunately I found no problem.
Had my BIL threw food away stating we haven't fed him. Also he has dementia and his short term memory is totally gone there isn't a minute to where he remembers. He has a microwave where we have to tell him which number to push for his food. We also have all the numbers blacked out that he doesn't use only the ones he needs.
Prayers
i use a microwave exclusively. Granted you cant cook everything … like cornbread … in it but theres a lot.
i cook chili/spaghetti/pork chops with gravy or dried soup coating. Of course other things but those seem like theyd be hardest. I havent tried fudge but i cant imagine that wouldnt be ok. Brownies and cookies dont seem workable.
if it wont cook in a microwave we go out to eat it.
you may want to consider an air fryer. I dont have one. They might not be safe either under the circumstances tho.
This might also help when it comes to her saying your aren't feeding her. My friend can watch all the things her friend does and denies doing..No one is one is with her 24/7 so the camera helps for them communicate during those times.
Also they did have to turn of her oven for good and cover the buttons on the microwave so only ones good me pushed. you can still start a fire with a microwave.. I learned that myself with my mother.
She is a danger to herself and others. You need to step away. Your stress is through the roof. Who's wouldn’t be??
Let her “charge” you with whatever…anyone who spends anytime with her will know she’s out of it. Tell her you kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, let her think whatever awful things she wants. You and everyone else will know it’s not true. Not saying it’s easy, but she needs to be placed somewhere.
For the time being, I’d go with the turning off the breaker.
As for the accusations of elder abuse, you should have multiple cameras to document her gaslighting efforts. Are you done yet? In my life, that threat would only happen once, because I wouldn't be alone with her ever again.
I haven't been near her alone, but yes, I should get some cameras! Thank you for that, I will do it.
Turn off the breaker AND unplug the stove and microwave, coffeepot. Everything to keep yourself safe.
You may consider a monitor camera of some kind. Husband and I use in-house monitors for his 94 year old aunt. I am hoping to install one for my mom, 86.
I would not load up her fridge if she is not enjoying your cooking. Maybe just one day's cooked food at a time.