Hi its Nazdrovia again
I probably sound like a broken record. My 85 yo father is frequently making rude and inappropriate comments. He's always had opinions on people but had a bit more discretion. But now he is worse and its sometimes about people I care about, more and more, where its getting to the point that I dread going out in public with him or even having a conversation with him. He comments on how fat a person is, or how someone's nostrils are too big or someone has tattoos esp on women which he hates. He points at them and its very embarrassing. If I don't agree with him or get annoyed at his comments he lashes out at me and turns it around so I'm the bad person. I just end up hating being with him. This is the same person who preaches religion constantly. When will it end????
Is this dementia related or he is just two faced and a nasty old man?
Prior to the pandemic, I attended several support groups through the Alzheimer's Association. They passed out a card which I laminated that had their logo at the top and said: "My loved one has Alzheimer's disease (memory loss) and is sometimes confused. Thank you for your patience and understanding."
Most of the time I used it whenever we went to restaurants and doctor's offices. I would hand it to the wait staff when they approached the table and when I walked up to a receptionist's desk. That way it helped from having to explain things over and over and there was no awkwardness for either them or myself and not a word had to be exchanged in front of my mom.
Although it wouldn't help in circumstances that are spontaneous, it might be helpful in the situations I mentioned above. I'm sure it's so embarrassing for you. I just worry about one day something being said to the wrong kind of person and creating a scene.
The only thing I can think of is to have a doctor prescribe a medication (if he isn't already on one) to calm him down. I know when my mom was in rehab for three weeks after being in the hospital with COVID she was transferred to a new facility in their MC wing. She was combative and the staff told hospice and hospice let me know. I agreed to have her put on a low dose of an anti- anxiety/depression medication as long as she wouldn't be in la la land. Never had that type of problem again and she just gets it before bedtime. It helps her sleep much better and therefore her mood is better. She still has good days and bad days but not like when she arrived in May.
I hope you can find something to help for both your sakes and everyone else's!
I remember taking my father to my daughter's softball game well before his mind started to go. He would point at a little girl and say "what a fattie". I don't think he meant it as an insult but it was. I was mortified. And yes I stopped inviting him to games. His mother was the same way, she would point out 'defects' as she saw them in others...and she was trying to be mean.
On a more cynical side if he is truly us rational and can follow a conversation...you could ask him, "is that what Jesus would say?" Or, I thought you were a Christian?
Just saying.
He really was pretty racist (which, after the fact was pretty funny since we did DNA testing on DH's side of the family and there was about 10% of their genetic makeup from Africa--his ancestors had been slaveholders in VA for years. Not something we ever talked about, my kids are mortified)
ANYWAY--he finally stopped referring to anyone of color by the 'n' word and chose 'colored' instead which still made my toes curl.
The last stay in the hospital for him, he praised the 'little colored nurse' who cared for him. I got snarky and said "So what color IS she dad?" I guess I was just so tired of his bigotry.
I had such a hard time with this aspect of his otherwise sweet personality.
They are truly delusional! Once I told a woman who frequently complained about her adult children that they never went to church, that if I were one of her children I would certainly be agnostic and more than likely an atheist.
There are wonderfully loving and moral atheist people that are pleasant to be near and nasty ‘so called’ Christian people, like the woman I know that sadly, no one enjoys being near.
Why? Because she painted God out to be a big ‘bully’ in the sky. She would point her finger up to heaven and constantly tell her kids how God saw all of their actions and was going to punish them and they would go to hell.
Her kids never heard about God’s love, mercy or forgiveness. Such a shame that they grew up with fear and intimidation from her.
When they grew up, they resented their mom terribly and rarely speak to her because she is extremely negative.
I must admit that I barely speak to her as well because who in the world wants to be preached to constantly? Not me!
She needs to give it a rest! Speak about God’s love and mercy to encourage instead of only speaking about hell, fire and damnation.
Gets old quickly! So utterly counterproductive too!
While I don't know when these situations happen, if he is around others you know, tell them in advance what may (likely) happen and they can decide whether to be around him or not.
Take him to the park where there is a lot of space so whoever he points to / makes comments will not be noticed.
Read TEEPA SNOW's website to learn about different dementias and how different parts of the brains work or no longer work and how the behavior changes.
Yes, I believe this is brain chemistry changing and he may not be able to stop as parts of the brain that would normally work are no longer working.
He might have dementia + his values and judgments are coming out due to no brain filters. I wouldn't say a nasty old man.
In other words, he could have felt this way 'all his life' although he was able to [control] keep his thoughts / opinions / insults to himself [as he then knew better than to blurt these offensive behaviors out loud.]
I should have written it all down. I remember a great deal of it though.
You really can't put a person with dementia in their place. You cannot reason with a brain that is broken. So if you are dealing with behavior issue, you really have to determine if they even understand what you are complaining about. If you approached a newborn baby and point blank told the kid they were not going to cry anymore or that you were not going to put up with crying anymore -- do you think the baby really understands that conversation? And, while I suppose it could happen, wonder how many toddlers were taken to the orphanage because they didn't follow direction after they were 'put in their place'.
If poster's dad is aware of what he says, then okay to have the chat with him or just quit taking him out in public unless it's medically necessary. If he doesn't always know, then just be prepared to apologize to people and explain his condition. He may or may not need facility care - you'll know when he does.
going to say things about people? Shall we try it but I’m bringing you home if it carries on.” He will be hostile like a toddler but I know at least a toddler grows out of it, whereas he is growing INTO IT! 😬
Here's what you can do with your father.
Tell him you will no longer be taking him out of the house because his behavior is cruel, inappropriate and that being seen with him is an embarrassment you are no longer willing to bear. This is one way to handle it.
There's this way too.
When you have to bring him somewhere and he starts with the behavior treat him exactly the way you'd treat a child acting up. Call him out in front of everyone then make him apologize to the person he's talking about offensively.
I've had many homecare clients who thought they were entitled to say anything they might be thinking. I had one who every day had to keep telling me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I look fine, but she'd viciously critique everything you can imagine and this woman liked me. I used to take her out all the time. She was embarrassing in public about other people too. Her kids who rarely even saw her claimed she had dementia but it wasn't officially diagnosed.
One day it just got to me and I gave it back. I said that if she says one more thing I would leave her. That I'm the only person who goes to her house and helps her. I'm the only one who takes her out. I told her that no one else visits and her kids don't care. I told her that if I leave she can go rot in a nursing home because no one else is going to do for her.
She never made another comment to me again after that. She never made one to a stranger in public again either. Give this a try with your father.
Mind you, he is living in the house of my very kind and generous husband who has put him up because he loves me.
But i think i will be getting to the point where I will call him out on his BS soon. I'm just waiting for someone to react to it.
Now it has come back to haunt her.
She needs help to go shopping and I refuse to help her so now I do the shopping myself. She used to be a real social butterfly but now because I refuse to go out in public with her she is regulated to staying in one room in her house. It is pure living Hell for her but she deserves it.
May I suggest you politely and firmly inform your dad his behavior is not welcomed and if he does it again you will just walk away and leave him where he is. And, you will never go out in public with him again.
As you know, stress is not healthy for you and can take its toll over time.
So my short answer is to not travel with your father once you have tried all the suggestions. I thought "be quiet," might work as it is a direct command without any editorializing or explaining.
I do understand, deeply, how awful this situation is. I hope you can work this out.
My prim and proper godmother used to go out to lunch with my elderly cousin every week, who was also a very prim and proper woman.
My cousin said she would politely excuse herself to go to the ladies room.
When she went back to the table, my godmother would ask her in a very loud voice, “Did everything come out okay?” 😂 LOL
My cousin was embarrassed to go out to eat with her. Of course, later on we found out that my godmother had ALZ and eventually moved into a nursing home.
I made the mistake of asking my husband’s grandmother how she felt, just before dining in a fancy uptown restaurant. I was in my 20’s at the time. Trust me, never ever again did I ask her how she felt in public!
She blurted out, in a very loud voice, “I have tightness of the stool. I need a laxative!” 😂
LOL, I wanted to crawl under the table. Everyone heard her comment. The man at the next table pushed his plate away. She ruined his appetite. Others were either laughing or had shocked looks on their faces!
She didn’t have ALZ. She was just a nutcase! 😂
Now, my husband has dementia/alzheimers and I have done all I can to educate myself so I can aide him and the number #1 rule is "the disease is to blame" and "not to take things personally". Easier said than done. For all of us...it is indeed stressful and there are so many triggers...hang in. Use support systems and this forum, and I wish each of you patience, comfort and strength.
For example, my aunt was formerly an old-fashioned schoolmarm with the gray hair in a bun. She developed dementia and began to lose her filter. At her assisted-living place, she became obsessed with using the word "ass." When her daughter, my cousin, would come to visit, Aunt M. would point to one of the aides and say, "Look at the fat ass on that one!"
My father, who also had dementia, started using the F-bomb a lot when he was in assisted living. Although he was a factory worker and might use rough language at work, he did not use it in social settings - until he got dementia.
Basically, you just need to learn to "go with the flow" regarding these inappropriate comments and not let them get to you.
Also, it may get to the point where you can no longer take him out in public.
I did this once in a supermarket queue, and it came from the gut without me thinking. A couple my age were in the queue behind me, the guy looked like ‘I’m too important for this shopping, it’s stupid women’s work’. The person in front of me was having trouble at the checkout with their card and pin, and this guy starts up loudly saying blah blah blah. I turned around and said ‘Be Quiet’. His wife grinned, his face froze and he went totally silent.
If they really know that it's rude, Keep It Simple!
Come to think of it, I did have to be brutally honest with my husband’s grandmother in public a few times because her comments were so outrageous that I was afraid that I would be killed as the innocent bystander.
I can’t even repeat the things she said in restaurants, shopping centers, etc.
A few times, I pretended not to know her! LOL 😂