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My mother has lived with me for a year. She is very anxious. Now I find myself having anxiety like never before. Could it be that I am trying to anticipate all the questions and concerns I know she will have about everything? Took her to a doctor but she denied any anxiety and went into "company mode" where she asserts that things couldn't get any better so no help from the doc. Any suggestions to help me deal with my own anxiety before I need medication myself? Thanks!

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I've noticed a lot of that myself, MIL has ALWAYS been on psych meds for her nervous break down in '74 but now that she has Alzheimer's and dementia her "anxiety has gotten much worse and when she is I AM !! Lately, well the last few months I dread waking up because I never know what kind of MOOD she is going to be in and in turn now I AM taking nerve pills at night and most night go to bed EARLY ( like 7 pm) right after we get her fed get the dishes done and give her night time pills I run to the bedroom and I'm out for the night.
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While it is not contagious, it, no doubt, is hereditary.
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I believe it is. We care for my ML with ALZ and my wife's cousin will take her for a night or two from time to time. And even though there are days when she's really no problem to care for, when she's out of the house there is a deafening. Peace about it. Just knowing that she is not down the hall, not getting up to walk around or come and ask us questions about if we gave her her pills yet, or not make it to the bathroom again, it's almost euphoric. I wonder why we didn't feel the same before she ever moved in....
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Go Mag!!!
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Much depends on on the caregiver's baseline. For so many reasons known and unknown, I've tended toward anxiety since childhood; I've also tended to have very high ( some might even say unrealistic)expectations of myself and others. To mitigate or at least lesson this anxiety, I've used a number of strategies over the years, I've learned to meditate; read self help & spiritual books; journaled; been lap swimming regularly; talked with friends; gone to counseling; have gone for spiritual direction. Last but far from least, for the past 35 I've been married to a warm, supportive, laid back dear one. I've counted on my husband's counterbalancing my intensity. We've been a great team! The new twist is that in the last few years since he began to show signs of dementia I've noticed he's become more anxious. At first I fed into his anxiety. Now, I am able to notice both his triggers and mine. i have really benefited from attending an excellent four session caregiver training which helped me with new information; reframed some of my challenges and offered lots of practical suggestions. I've also been routinely participating in a caregiver support group that is well facilitated by a Social Worker. My montra has become " I'm doing the best I can in this moment...and so are you dear". That defuses the anxiety and frustration for us both. I've become more trusting in the Mystery since in retrospect, I can see how I'm able to draw on all that I've learned and continue to learn. Self compassion is very important . Only to the degree I can have deep compassion for my own self, will I be able to have deep compassion for the loved one I'm caring for. I'm grateful that I still have this moment...an opportunity to try again and give back. While what has and continues to be helpful to me ...may not be helpful to you, trying a variety of options can be helpful. Experiment! Know that you really can't make a mistake. Learning from what doesn't work can be even more relevant! Finally, prayers of petition can be supportive yet don't have to be formal. Sometimes I simply say..".God help me". Simple prayers of gratitude remind me of all that I do have or all I am noticing and learning from. May it be so for you as well. Sincerely Elle
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I've read some good things - here? - about ways to respond to anxious and negative comments -- not by challenging or denying them, but by distancing yourself from them by acknowledging them without participating in them. I've tried it with my mom, who is quite a moaner, and it seems to have helped. I just say things like, "That worries you a lot," or "I can tell that really concerns you." Somehow, saying things like that makes it HER problem, not mine. I have my own worries. I don't need to take on hers as well! Because my mom is capable of solving at least some of her own problems, I sometimes follow with, "What ideas do you have to work that out?" or something like that. Maybe I can help her act on a plan.
Other's advice above is great -- Whenever you can, do things that have nothing to do with the adult you're caring for. And, as suggested by others, see a geriatric doctor. Most of all, remember, you deserve as much care as your parent does. You are as much a person as she is. Allow yourself to take care of yourself! Breathe deeply, sleep well, eat healthy food. Seek out beauty. Relish the good things in life. And when you enjoy these things, consider sharing them with your mom. A comment like, 'look at those wildflowers' or 'aren't the birds singing cheerfully today? 'Isn't that girl's outfit pretty?' can change a stream of conversation into a more pleasant channel.
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I worked as a psychiatric nurse on geriatric unit for several years before I left to become the primary caregiver for both elderly parents. Anxiety is contagious because we feel helpless around that anxious person. It's not unusual to become angry and try to set limits or feel panic set in as our own anxiety rises.
Like playing the piano, changing our behavioral responses to anxiety takes practice. We have to "plan" our own anti-anxiety strategy until it becomes part of our own response pattern.
Having said that, responses to family behaviors are so ingrained that they automatic- think playing the piano with a piece of music you've memorized.
Sometimes, anticipating an anxiety provoking situation and quietly discussing it with your parent: ex: "XYZ situation is coming up and I know you may feel anxious, what would help you so you can stay calm?" Depending on your parents level of cognitive awareness, he or she may be able to stay calm if they know what to expect.
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Excellent advice all around, which I appreciate, as I often say that everyone has a hobby and my mom's hobby is worry. If the worry was about sensible things such as whether the doors and windows are closed and locked when we leave the house, or whether all the bills are paid, that would make sense. Instead she worried herself almost sick because 40+ years ago a close friend of hers who did not have a daughter had given me some of her good quality costume jewelry. Lovely pieces and i wore many of them for dressy occasions. She also gave me 2 afghans - 1 her mother made and one she made. I took good care of them and considered them mine. A couple of years ago mom asked me whether I still had them and when I said that I did she told me straight out that those really belonged to the woman's son and that I needed to find him and return them. Nothing gentle such as asking what i planned on doing with them and suggesting that perhaps someone in the woman's family would love to have them. No way. Mom told me straight out that those things didn't belong to me and I needed to give them back.

Well, since I don't have children, it does make sense. But it was put to me not as an idea or suggestion, but rather an urgent need that needed to be handled very soon. She would ask me often whether i had located the son and I would tell her "no" and then she would give me ideas on how to find him, using very direct words. To slow her down I told her (truth) that I was looking all over the house to be sure I found all the jewelry pieces.

Recently, on Facebook, I was able to locate the woman's granddaughter. I contacted her and got an address then boxed the afghans and jewelry and sent it to her. However, that has not stopped mom because she keeps asking whether i've heard from the son, and am I sure I sent everything. Part of me is happy that I returned the items because they are family heirlooms, part of me misses one of the afghans because it was a favorite and a necklace because I wore it the night I met my husband. The worst of it though is my wounded inner child perhaps, hearing an underlying message that I didn't deserve to have those things.

On another tone . . . i had a boss who often said "gentle pressure, relentlessly applied". Develop a few phrases to deal with mom's anxiety and use them over and over. "Yes mom, I always take care of that for you. You have nothing to worry about" for example. Create them to suit your own situation. Perhaps 4 or 5. Then use them relentlessly. At a minimum you will know what to say and it helps to keep the gut from churning.
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Onedog, you said it so well. Parents with GAD can instill a sense of dread and doom in their children. This happens even when the children are 60 years old.
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Absolutely it is. Years ago I took a step back from the constant phone calls and emotional downloads for the sake of my own young children. When I started feeling better about my life, I realized mom had a general anxiety disorder, always had. And she had always been instilling doom and dread into my life. I had basically always been her therapist. I am basically the only one who is opening lyrics acknowledging her problem. But I suspect my father dealt with it for years and never spoken about it. He just covered up or explained away her behaviors. Growing up he made the kids believe that mom was normal, her concerns were real and we should pay attention cuz "she knows how the world works better than most."
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Lots of great answers here. One thing that I focus on as I care for my clients/patients is to be free from any type of negative emotions while doing their care. I have read that our emotions do affect our patients, and from observation, I believe that they do! Any time I have a behavioral issue with one of my clients, I do a check in with myself to see how my demeanor might be affecting them. Quite often, I am able to pinpoint how what is going on with me is affecting them. So...yes, I believe that a patient's emotional state can also affect the caregiver. It's a constant process of clearing ourselves so we are fully available to our clients and family members. There's a saying "Let it begin with me."
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Many good suggestions here. I wanted to add that caregiving a difficult person, especially long term, is like being in an emotional war zone and can give rise to symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) - only the trauma isn't over, it's ongoing and the feeling of being trapped is legitimate. I think counseling or a caregivers support group is an excellent tool to maintaining your core sense of nonjudgmental safety. Good luck, this is a difficult place to be.
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Anxiety is caught by caregivers. So is stress. The stress is so high it begins to feel overwhelming and causes caregivers not to take care of themselves. Often the caregiver dies before the person being cared for. I know "company mode" al too well. Others often think we are overreacting or selfish or not caring enough.
Don't let this happen to you. Reaching out is helpful and necessary. Push the doctors to test your mother and apply to your Area on Aging for an assessment.
Read my book or the 36 hour day fr help too.
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Anxiety is my biggest problem. I do believe I acquired this horrendous syndrome from modeling my mother all through my life. I truly think I learned to be an anxious person because I always needed to be ready to meet my mother's ever-changing needs, from childhood on, or else she became mean, cold, or rejecting. It is very hard work, but hang in there--I keep making gains, working with my counselor, reading, and this site! I wish all of us well--true anxiety is truly awful!
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First, anxiety is contagious, and the sooner you realize it, then you can deal with it. You don't need pills to calm yourself. Try exercise, yoga, long walks, changing your diet to not include any caffeine (in soda, coffee, chocolate). Try to include your mother with activities to calm her too.
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I have a friend who just exudes anxiety. She's about 80, but has always been anxious/nervous/upset/irritable/easy-to-take-offense/you-name-it. I have GAD and take my meds religiously. She has some kind of anxiety disorder and takes no meds. So I can't be around her much, even though I love her and she's funny/smart/intelligent. Even thinking about her and writing this has made my heart pound and probably raised my blood pressure. So yes, it IS contagious!

Now I have to lie down with a cold cloth.
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Yes, anxiety is contagious. I love to surround myself with positive people that lift my spirits!
After day with my mother, I call a fun friend as an antidote to her negativity and anxiety.
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Absolutely. I would start by writing down all the things that cause you anxiety. Write down your fears and write down the possible outcomes from best to worst and what things you can do to actively deal with the issues. If you know all the possibilities, and you have a game plan for all, then there's less to worry about. Knowing that you can deal with even the worst outcome is empowering. You may also want to see a therapist and/or get some anxiety medication.
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This is a key topic, and I'm relieved to find many responses here that recommend taking breaks. It's a matter of perspective. Our society is rushed and fragmented, with millions of experts on tiny pieces, with very few who have time to just be present and carry on, near our elders and near the caregiver families. So the caregiver tries to manage mostly alone, just reporting to busy people in snatches. Meanwhile - we leave our elders with no responsibilities for helping us, no matter how small - our healthcare system tries to do everything for them while constantly asking how they are feeling. Few ask how the caregiver is feeling, for the world focuses on fragments. Meanwhile, elders capacity for mobility diminishes: fatigue, eyesight, balance risks - their lives are by nature, slowed down, but they live in a world that expects speed.

I've found in my years doing eldercare, that it takes ongoing routines related to not just health and joys, but some rituals, for anyone frail, relies on routines to foster any mobility. Some of those routines include breaks for caregivers - like a family life - I love the book Bringing Up Bebe - where the story is of a society that handles several aspects of living as a large cultural issue - like teaching a child to wait, not with meanness, but because it helps everyone keep up with grace. In our society we have become fixated on everyone having a million choices for everything, non stop - and too many choices mean constant decision making, leading to lots of anxiety as things change, for we face ever more choices.

Sorry I'm being pretty broad and philosophical here - I've just done lots of caregiving, and find that we leave carers and elders isolated, with quick check ins, during which they are supposed to summarize their current lives. We know that if we don't summarize it exactly, include everything at the brief time that we have attention asking about what help we need - that we will not get help when we need it. Then, when a care plan is written out, when any changes emerge, it is a major bureaucratic process to get any attention that takes changes seriously, for any plan in writing is seen as the law.

I find that finding any project that is doable, to help an elder join anyone in an activity not related to care, or sometimes even to just the nuclear family, for those younger people are rushing now too Adding a shift in focus, from trying to do everything medical perfectly, on time, with huge risks associated - like sit with them outside for 45 min. Help them start on an adult coloring book picture, do one with them at the same time. Find a good book, and read a chapter to them once or twice a day. Develop a betting game about a social focus. I think what I'm saying makes sense, and I've seen it help enormously (in addition to asserting and claiming time for 10 min - 1 hour breaks - telling them when you'll be back, and making sure they are set up well while you're gone) - helps all slow down and remember, this is naturally a slower time in life and that's fine, even if sometimes it may have discomforts.
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Oh, yes! It's contagious! My ex MIL is the most hyper-anxious person I have ever met. And I fed off her anxiety so much that I began having panic attacks!
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Hi - good question and replies! lovebooks, if you haven't already it is a good idea to get set up with a counselor for discussing all the issues along the way. Ive talked to mine a lot about this thing in particular... I think in addition to regular 'sympathetic tuning,' a child may subconsciously align to a parent, I think of it as getting into pulled into an orbit. I have to break out on a cyclical basis. Also, I'd like to profess the power of B complex vitamins for anxiety! It makes a huge difference for me. If I skip a few days all this free-floating crap comes up in my mind. Cheers to all you awesome caregivers!
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Anxiety contagious? Absolutely! Like they say about laughter - without the fun! My mother was living with my sister until she fell one day and passed shortly from a second strike, about 18 months ago. She had always been anxious but as her kids we were impacted differently than trying to live with it as adults. My sister is just now beginning to normalize and recenter from the experience.So many times I would have to peel her off the ceiling of frustration. She tried everything to please her but basically all my mother wanted was the past. 97yroldmom: so well said; described our mother to a T. Love the sponge metaphor.
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....and you can Katie222, what is learnt can be unlearned, it's just a lot harder? The deliverance of anxiety is so subtle that we don't realise until most times it's too late and then it's a major issue... My anxiety was of such a high level, I felt my only release was for me not to be on this earth. My end of life dad was so abusive and violent that the only way out was for me to return to my own home... Lots if people said 'he'll be ok' and he was and a year later is still ok!! He has baffled all the Dr's, Macmillan and consultant. I'm still on meds and in therapy but life if looking up once more! Hugs to all x
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The anxious one was never my bedridden Mom or my husband, but rather it is me. I had a lot of anxiety about my Mom's condition as I was her care giver 24/7, and trying to close out a 40 yr. old family business due to a buyer coming along. She had frequent delirium and hospitalizations at the start of the decline. I also developed a spontaneous retinal detachment about 2 months before Mom passed and I had to have emergency eye surgery .I remember being blind in that eye and cleaning and changing my Mom and wondering what was wrong with my eye and why everything was brown when looking through that eye, before I could get a hold of an eye doctor. Then my husband went A-fib again a week after that. Now Mom has passed, and I am trying to curb anxiety as I am really wondering if it has effected my husband's and my own health. I do not want to pass the anxiety on to him as he is now doing better. I really do believe after all I have been through, that the anxiety I had effected my husband. I like the comparison to water entering a ship. I am trying to consciously control anxiety by working in the garden, taking walks, meditating, keeping a journal, and being aware when those feelings start to creep in to tell myself things will be ok...this will all be over in 50 years, so why get upset and ruin what time we have left! The fact that pets pick up so much on our anxiety does show that it is contagious. I have to unlearn my anxiety.
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When immersing ourselves into such intense jobs such as caring for a loved one, it's like our own personalities tend to evaporate? What can happen to even the strongest individual is 'Learned Behaviour'.... It's quite extraordinary how we absorb negative and destructive vibes... Please be careful and try to keep a balance on what you do. X
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Let me also add that my mom is not dopey or doped up. She beats me at cards all the time!
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My mom was so anxious that she was becoming an embarrassing and disruptive nuisance in the AL. The other residents were giving me the evil eye and recommending that my mom call her lawyer--about me, as I was knocking myself out to help her.

The AL., brilliantly, sent her to a Senior Behavioral Clinic where her meds where carefully adjusted over ten days.

Since then she has been calm, pleasant, and content. We have nice visits.

It is about getting the right medication. If you have to keep trying things out under a doctor's supervision, then it will take longer than ten days. But it can happen. The quickest route to help will be to go to a geriatric doctor who really understands the problems and the meds.

Don't give up!
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When I get very anxious, even my 3lb chihuahua knows it. It is not easy to be around an anxious parent. I agree that the doctor's visit should address all points, and the highly anticipated anxiety your mom has, so that she won't be "show-timing". This even has a name. I learned this term here at Aging Care.
Please post as things progress, would you?
M88
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Anxiety is contagious. However, it is not the water that makes a ship sink. It's the water getting inside the ship that sinks it. Try to not absorb her anxiety into your ship.

Caring is one think and that's empathy.

Carrying another's emotions as if they were ours is not the same as empathy.

Carrying is enmeshment. It will sink you.

Do look into counseling to help you deal with your feelings and have a third person's objective viewpoint. Going outside to walk sounds like a great idea compared to walking inside on a treadmill.

Take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself today.
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Emotions of all kinds are contagious. Try to emanate positive ones.
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