I was taking care of my mother for almost five years and she passed away end of 2018. It seemed it was getting easier a couple months ago.
But recently I've been dreaming of her every other day and wake up lost. I started to cry over missing her all over again. I don't know how to get through this. Any advice would help? I've talk to a counselor but its not helping.
I am sure I will miss her after she’s gone. I have mixed emotions so I am not the best person to answer this question but I fear that I will struggle. When we become caregivers there can be an unhealthy dependency that occurs. Do you feel this happened with you? I don’t know your circumstances. Please fill us in on what went on to be able to answer your question better.
Sorry you are struggling. How long have you been in therapy? Did you just start or has it been awhile?
I can appreciate what you’re saying. I do love mom and I believe she loves me. I believe you will find peace in time. Transitioning times are often the hardest.
Honestly, I am not sure exactly how I feel. I have done therapy and I currently attend a support group for caregivers and while those things help it doesn’t erase the frustration and heartache.
At this point there is no mother/daughter relationship left. It’s caregiver/patient relationship. Know what I mean? My mom
has Parkinson’s disease. It’s progressive. It only gets worse. I hate watching her decline.
I hope I die before I would ever be a burden to my daughters or dependent on anyone. I would never want to live that way.
I know it’s hard for my mom but for her to ignore my request to stop asking me to be a perfectionist like her or constantly worry and listen to her chronic complaints is too much.
I might sound nuts - but it takes all sorts - I “think talk” to them about issues. Mostly I know what sort of response they would give. But I’m sure they help at times. When travelling I mention about needing a parking space and one always seem to be available. I’m quite sure my mums magic green fingers have saved my few plants - they’ve lasted despite a very hot flat and a person who forgets to water them as often as they should be.
My aunt always kept a photo of her lost ones and admitted she talked to them, as has a friend who is just at the second anniversary of their spouses death, so I’m not the only person who does it.
It is hard unless you take the knowledge of your LO and consider that they are out of pain and maybe their unhindered by pain self is wanting to help you learn how to continue on. A person never truly dies whilst there people who think of them and value the memories. Your mum wouldn’t want you to still feel so lost. Talk to her. Rather than counselling have you considered helping others - by keeping busy and assisting others you may find it a rewarding experience that helps you too.
By kind to yourself, the 1st year is the hardest, it is full of firsts that keep the pain close to the surface.
May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this time. Remember the young healthy her that she is now. Hugs!
A counselor once told me that grief is like waves and some of the big waves really knock us down. In time you will be at peace. Are you familiar with the stages of grief? A counselor can explain it to you. That was helpful to me.
It is important to grieve but it isn’t healthy to get stuck in grief or not to allow yourself to grieve. It’s all about balance.
You are not alone.
I hope that you will find peace soon. Hugs!
Oh okay. Sorry, forgive me for not addressing those dreams where she was in the hospital and sick.
Wow! That is a puzzle. What did the therapist say about that particular dream? Personally, I would find that dream disturbing just as you do. Gosh, it almost feels like she is reminding you of that time.
You know what? I would pray for her to be at peace. You don’t have to believe as I do. I do feel this way because as a Catholic family we pray for our deceased loved ones. We pray for their souls. I think it is a beautiful thing to do.
Other than prayer, I am not sure what to think. I get it now, as to why you have been troubled. I’m sorry that I didn’t pay close enough attention to that particular dream.
The thing is: yes, there's the grief. But when you have cared for your mother as long as you did, and then the end of her life was very difficult, you go into a state of (hard to describe) emotional free fall. You don't have responsibility to anchor you. Nothing seems to have meaning. You revisit every action and decision and question all you did. AND you are mourning her loss.
So you need perhaps something a bit heftier than grief counselling. How are you getting on with restructuring your daily life? Were you making progress there but it's fallen apart, can you not get started, or are you reasonably satisfied with that?
This is very true. I am afraid of this happening to me. My mom has been in my home since 2005. Before that I took care of both mom and dad and my oldest brother. My dad died in 2002 and my brother in 2013. It’s hard when in goes on for so long.
Listen to your dreams. Keep a journal. You may awaken terribly upset by a dream, but as you write it down you will see certain words you are writing that have a message for you. I think our dreams are a great gift and they are our "other mind" working out a huge problem. They speak in symbols. Let them help you.
I am so deeply sorry with what you have gone through and continue to go through. 🤗 My mom passed away last June. I feel like I have a heavy rock resting on my chest. My sadness is very deep but I hide it from everyone the best I can. At night I am overwhelmed with thoughts of her last day in the ICU. This is hard! I try to do things that are fun. You see I care for my handicapped brother now and I want to be strong and positive for him.
I haven’t had any dreams yet but my thing is seeing people around town that look just like people I know have passed away. I haven’t seen my mom yet though.
Perhaps your dream is reconciling with yourself. You know your mom has passed you witnessed her death and your brain wants you to think of happy times. Maybe it’s just a balancing act that you have to go through. And soon you will get peace. I don’t know.
Many hugs and prayers sent your way to help your heart heal soon so you can move forward.💐💐🙏
I know that you have had a difficult trauma with the suddenness of how your mom died and seeing someone on a ventilator is not like on the tv in the least. Do you have any fun pictures of mom? I would try to refresh your minds eye of her by keeping one handy and looking at and remembering her at a happier time. You did the right thing for your mom. Be proud that you helped her in her greatest time of need and know that she is done suffering. Hugs!
Dad was made to walk on a broken hip for 14 days despite my alarm and complaints - that’s how long it took for them to get him X-rayed and find out. It shortened his life and he was in agony right up to the end - I stayed with him though those final days and nights too. .
Whilst the dreams were unpleasant to revisit those events it made me feel relieved when I woke they were no longer suffering like that. I note my dream re my father slowly abated once the coroner hit out at the nursing home which now has very strict regulations to follow and are being monitored.
Have you considered that your mind and mum may be reminding you how bad it was - in the hope that you see she is beyond all that suffering now and learn to be happy for her?
Dont get me wrong - it’s a horrible experience in reality and to keep going through it when needing quality sleep after all that stress is very challenging. But changing your philosophy about why you are getting that dream and involving yourself in something you enjoy, where you meet other kind and friendly people, may enable you to move on eventually with happier memories of your times with your mum .
My thoughts are with you
I had a 4 day break after mums death and before going back to work - couldn’t afford anything so a friend picked me up and took me to their house for a change of scene. It really helped.
It would have helped doing the same after dad but just wasn’t practical at the time.
(It's good to 'get away' & distract yourself from sorrows like others have said), but a daily commitment or project may give more meaning to ur life. I feel the same empty space since mom died, & nobody needs me anymore. That's why I connect with people when I can, (& have projects around the house), until I hopefully find meaning again. Takes time, good luck.
When my Gram died, my mom took a year to grieve her. Mom cared for Gram for 7 years in Mom's home. Crying and missing her are expected and a sign of love. Praying that your memories are sweet reminders instead of causing you pain.
After my father passed 7.5 years after mom, I never saw her again.
I wouldn't worry about it - my father said he'd see my mother standing at the foot of his bed quite frequently and he wished she would talk to him, she at least always told me she wanted to go shopping.
I wondered about my DH after he passed last year - but not a single visit in my dreams.
Crying is therapeutic, so I wouldn't worry about that either. Perhaps you have some things you never told your Mom - try doing that when you're awake. You can go to the cemetery like I did with my mother, or just talk to her. I asked my mother why she never told me things I needed to know to help my father. And I even asked her why she thought it best to stop all medications 6 months earlier but refused to allow me to take her to the doctor to find out if she needed them all. I just talked to her that one day at the cemetery and felt better about it. I miss her and Suzi coming to make me take them shopping, lol.
Next time your mother comes to you, give her an extra hug from me. You don't need a therapist, you just need to relax and accept that sometimes we do get visitations from the other side.
Don't berate yourself for still feeling.so sad. When our mothers die, we often lose the one best supporter we ever had; the one person who would always stick up for us when things were tough.
There is no "should" on the grieving process. Feel the emotions as often and as long as you need to. As time goes by, memories will begin to bring more smiles and fewer tears.