I quit my job at my adult children's behest to stay home and care for their father, my husband. We have limited means so our oldest child (son) moved in with us and he gives me money monthly --barely enough to pay my bills. I have no more savings. I am not able to plan for my future. I am 50 & my husband is 80 with an Alzheimer's diagnosis (mini mental 20/30). He could probably be home alone or with minimal help/supervision for a while longer but for a very excitable dog we got before I realized my husband could not handle him. My kids are very generous and supportive, but I've given up so much and now I am feeling their resentment too.
Aside from the long term concerns, I have a more immediate gripe/conundrum: I planned my first ever solo trip for this summer (12 days) & my daughter agreed to stay with her dad and do all the housework that I usually do (minding her dad, shopping, cooking, pet care). I am supposed to leave next month. This week she is visiting and being very argumentative and resentful of the "female role." She gets like this when she does not want to do something. She's been going on about her freedom. To cut it short, I feel like I am asking too much of her and I am thinking of cancelling my trip. I cannot get a refund on the airfare but I can reschedule (maybe up to one year). It's a trip to Europe where I was going to stay with two friends and a few nights in a hotel. I really can't afford it, but I felt so ready to have a little time for myself and life of my own that I went ahead and scheduled the flight since I've been talking about it for years.
My daughter is generally very supportive but when push comes to shove I know she'd rather not do this. She'd rather work and have her time for herself. She works freelance and she turned down one job already to cover me. She wants to help, but she gets overwhelmed. To be fair, the situation is a bit overwhelming for everyone. There's really no option of outside help a this point. If I do cancel, I will say that I just can't afford it now, which is technically true. I was really looking forward to this trip but I am starting to think it's a little excessive.
What do you all think?
A couple of things came to mind as I read your post.
What do you want to do? About everything? Please be honest with yourself. Would you rather be working? It doesn’t sound like you can afford not to be working. It doesn’t matter what your children say. This is your decision to make.
Also, please don’t burden your children with caregiving. I know that you need help. I realize that you need a break from caregiving. I know that you don’t have extra money to pay someone. Your children need their money too.
Have you considered applying for Medicaid for your husband and placing him in a facility? Then you and your children can visit him as his family members instead of being his caregivers. You can help him by overseeing his care by a trained staff.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I can’t afford to not work. If money were not an issue, I’d say I could accept caretaking as my F/T role but I feel like I’m losing my last good working years. I don’t want to take money or so much help from my children. It’s only been two months & it was a struggle for me to accept. Before that, I lived on savings. Most of our decision making has been emotional.
I did not ask my children for help initially—they insisted. According to them, I was “having nervous breakdowns everyday…”they were right. I’m on anti-depressants now which help a lot. So is my youngest son who took this very hard. (We have three adult kids). I really don’t want to burden them. The trip is a different story & I’m thinking I have to postpone it. Posting on this board is helping me to clarify that decision.
My oldest son who lives with us & works from home & makes a high salary said he was willing to “do this for ten years”which is ridiculous. We have a very close & loyal family culture, but I feel like we’re all sinking unnecessarily with the ship.
There’s also the option of pushing through. Grace. Faith. Etc. Will we really be happy putting him in care? I know he will not like it. He thinks he’s fine.
I do have to talk to a lawyer and consider placing my husband at some point in the future, but I don’t know if his needs are really at that level yet. It’s weird. He does need 24 hour care but maybe not officially. I guess it’s how I present it to the social worker. I think he’s deficient on two ADLs & he’s definitely deficient on all IADLs. He has started to fuss at night a lot. Saying he can’t breathe but it is really because he’s hot & it’s humid or he ate right before bed. He’s breathing fine.
You are very young. My own daughter has a decade on you.
You need to be able to work at a job; you have only a few decades to build up the money you will need for your OWN CARE in the future.
If your kids are tired of caregiving NOW imagine how they will feel about it two decades in the future when YOU want their help.
Your children need their own lives. No need to go into that. That's a given. They need their own lives, and you have no control and should not have control over their lives.
I think it is already clear to you that your husband cannot be left alone over time. It is time for a division of finances, a legal separation done by an attorney and an application for Medicaid.
I am so sorry. These are the facts and stating them in this way seems so brutal as it leaves to the side the tears and the pain.
Get the family together and discuss the path forward now. I wish I had happier suggestions, but I don't.
Why did they want you to give up contributing towards YOUR financial future -- YOUR retirement? And I would have rehomed the dog, as that also affected your ability to continue working.
Get your kids together to talk to you about what will be the plan going forward. Perhaps your H needs to be in a facility, you need to go back to work, and your son can then move out and live his own life.
Your DH needed to be in MC but if there is no money, it will need to be a LTC facility with Medicaid paying and any SS he has. I would talk to an Elder lawyer about your options.
We have a high salary and we can’t afford to support another adult for 10 years. Plus, your son gets no benefits from that lost money— can’t take it on taxes, it’s not getting invested etc. All his money is doing is going poof.
Yes, making poor decisions from emotions, though entirely understandable, WILL sink all of you with this ship.
I’m glad you are here.
Your trip is for less than two weeks. Daughter has already agreed to take care of dad while you're gone, and you should encourage her to do so. She should keep her word. Two weeks is not a huge chunk of her life, and afterward she'll have a better appreciation of what you're dealing with. She had to turn down a job to help you? So what? You gave up your job at her urging, and that was really bad advice on her part.
When you return, it would be a good time to have a heart-to-heart chat with your generous, supportive kids and tell them that you understand their anger/sadness/pain. Then have a frank discussion about how "we can't do this much longer." Enlist their generous supportive help in finding a placement for dad, who could live for another ten years or so. You be the strong person, and don't let them push you around. Daughter doesn't rule this roost. Son doesn't either.
It is never a good idea to quit work to care for a loved one. It's better to work, contribute to your retirement funds, and pay someone else to look after him. If you still had a job, you'd be contributing to a fund that would help you in old age (Social Security and maybe a pension). At this point you're giving up what you'd earn at work now and support for you in your old age. That's not good.
Please go on your trip - it sounds wonderful. And have a great time.
Let your daughter and other children see what you do on a daily basis. And knowing that caring for their dad will only get more difficult not easier.
Is your husband a Veteran? If so the VA may be able to help a little or a LOT depending on where and when he served. And if he is a Veteran YOU can get paid to care for him at home. (If he is a Veteran check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission (each County will have an office) or the VA and they can help determine what benefits he may qualify for.
Are there Adult Day programs in your area? If so sending your husband a few days a week will give you a much needed break.
Have you contacted your Area Agency on Aging or your local Senior Services Center to see if there are any programs you/he may qualify for?
You may also want to talk to an elder Care Attorney and begin all the paperwork you may need, maybe sooner than expected.
If there is an in person Support Group in your area it might be a good idea to get involved. On line forum like this is great but in person you can get immediate feedback and suggestions as well as building a network of friends that know what you are going through.
Thank you for all the ideas. He’s not a veteran…he grew up in Europe. I will do all the things you’ve suggested. Have a beautiful day.
What your children want has nothing to do with the circumstances at hand. It is about need.
You are young, go back to work, place hubby in a LTC facility.
Your children are already in burn out mode, honestly, if I were young, I wouldn't want to be saddled with caring for an 80-year-old either.
Take your vacation, use that time to make a plan, set the plan in motion when you return. Have Fun!
Medicare pays for I believe about ten days a year respite stay in a care facility.
Or you could hire a temporary caregiver to stay with your husband during your son's working hours then he can take over the aregiving for his father after work.
You say your children (I'm assuming this includes your daughter) wanted you to quit your job so you could take care of their father.
You did what they wanted.
Did they think they would never have to help out with their father's care? You need to have a sit down with your kids and have a serious talk. They need to understand that either they step up and start helping out with their father, or he goes into memory care. No it's and's or but's about.
Then you go on your trip and have a good time. In fact, don't even call home or take calls from your husband and kids while you are away.
If possible instead ask a trusted friend or relative to call you if something serious happens that you need to know about.
OP needs to start thinking of her own protection in all of this imho. In my opinion kids are irrelevant to these decisions of us and should not be considered. No matter WHAT they say, the truth is that most of them have their own lives to live and want to live them.
You have been so kind and so responsive to all our varying suggestions. Just want to wish you good luck, welcome you here, and hope you will stick around.
Your experinece can help others.
You can be a part of a helpful community as you work your way forward. We would love updates from you.
Again, welcome to Forum.
As far as marrying an older man goes, my dh and I are 6 months apart. He's had serious health issues since 2019 including a liver transplant and now I have stage 4 metastatic melanoma. We are both 65. Did we ever think or prepare for such illnesses to strike us when we said I Do in 2009? Nope. Life on life's terms doesn't always work out the way we think it should, that's for sure. But we wouldn't change the decision we made then, knowing what we know now...!
Don't over think this trip. Just go have some fun and come back rejuvenated and refreshed.
Best of luck.
In my own class the argument was whether we should A) seize THIS day because it was ridiculous to worry about the future OR whether we should B) seize THIS day because the future could not "be trusted".
As in the future is not assured to us.
Or may be assured, but without any guarantee we can get to it.
As the young people say today, it's complicated.
To me it means we may worry so for the future that we give up our present joy in this day preparing for it, and it may never come. And goodness, do we ever need each bit of joy we can pull from life kicking and screaming!
Alas, arguing philosophical thoughts will serve only to take us further into the weeds to my thinking.
We would have to go into "sufficient is the day unto itself", and mindfulnes and all that. When really the question here is one vacation. All planned out.
At this point I vote for taking it if at all possible, because at this point it's really needed!
Be honest about what you need.
Let them be honest back about what they can give.
There may be a gap. Small, big, or huge.
Casting the 'help net' out further than family becomes necessary..(Unless you have a truly enormous supply of willing relations).
Next is that wider view. Go really wide. What's really needed?
Your DH gets cared for.
You don't get impoverished.
You maintain good relationships with your adult children.
Taking a holiday sounds like a fine idea. Time to destress, unwind, shift focus from the daily stressess to that wider view.
I hope you can find a way to go. If not now, soon.
Gosh you had 2 children by the age of 19!
Now you're 50 with an 80 yr old husband who needs watching.
It's no wonder you said you're ready to have time for yourself and a life of your own. You've never had that! I raise a toast to your trip being all you're hoping for and more!
Also, about longevity in the '50s. I only knew my mom's mother as a child; she died when I was about 9 of what was then called pernicious anemia. She was 72 which was considered "very old" at the time. My dad's father died at 52 and his mother in her late 60s. Their parents (my great grands) were major outliers for their generation; both lived into their 80s, which may be where my father (died at 84) and I got the "longevity gene" for better or for worse.
Our closest son is 62 and, I agree, that seems SO young!
You need this break.
Please don’t worry about asking for help.
It’s 12 days. Of course your daughter would rather not “do this”. It’s called sacrifice. That’s what it’s all about.
12 whole days.
Your children have inherited your compassion and good character. Don’t feel guilty. Appreciation is learned.
I have read this entire thread. I must say that I fail to see how patronizing and knit-picking the OP and everyone else who has commented on her post will have any benefit. Though I am confident that you will explain it to me in detail.
Your question to us has us all VERY engaged.
I think it's because you have been so responsive to us. Many post a question, get our answers, and never say a word back. We often wonder what in the world happened to them. But YOU answer us all, explain more, are delightfully engaging. In consequence, your thread is long.
I just wanted to let you know this. IF ever a responder is TOO responsive, annoying, or offensive, you can do the following without need of explanation:
A) if the person has opening messaging on their profile send a simple message telling him/her you appreciate his advice but would appreciate that they do not again respond to your current thread.
B) if the person has a closed messaging and you find them so problematic you cannot any longer just scroll on, then press the report button on all messages from them, and let the admins know, or post a message to the admins asking that they speak privately to the responder for you requesting they do not respond to your thread.
C) Just take what is of value to you and throw the rest of the luggage to the curb.
I personally wish you so well, and hope you will stay on the forum to help others.
Gosh you had 2 children by the age of 19!
Now you're 50 with an 80 yr old husband who needs watching.
It's no wonder you feel ready to have time for yourself and a life of your own. You've never had that! I raise a toast to your trip being all you're hoping for and more.
I have still not gotten the Medicaid paperwork submitted. I am pretty sure that I’m gonna go nuts if I don’t go back to work and reclaim my life.
(((HUGS)))
The decisions will get more and more difficult.
Even though you are not looking for it now, I suggest you start researching Memory Care facilities. The options are overwhelming and many have waiting lists.
It will be okay.
1. Medicaid paperwork.
2. Find a job.
You've got this!
And now so wonderful to hear from you, AlzWife. Happy 2024 to you as well. Hope you will continue updating us on your journey.
Nice to see a happy update!