Is constantly complaining about money to elderly with memory problems considered elder abuse?
I take care of grandma and there is a relative that calls every day complaining about money. Grandma is constantly wanting to send money to them- she loves them very much. She doesn’t consider/understand/care this could affect her Medicaid. She has to qualify for LTC because the small amount I receive goes toward taking care of HER! I can’t stop the calls, but I’m on the verge of making ultimatums. She planned to live with them but they won’t let her have her dogs and they don’t have anywhere for her to actually stay. Now she is with me. I love my grandma and am trying so hard but this has got to stop. I’m losing my mind. (Side note, since just before I’ve had her and before qualifying for LTC, I learned she has sent this person thousands in the past year and a half alone, I remind her and she says “I did”?)
18 Answers
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You said she was going to live with them but they won’t let her bring her dog— and then went onto say in the next sentence that they have nowhere for her to stay?
Who is this person - I don’t know why you kept it vague instead of identifying their relationship to her(?)
She as an adult can give money to who she wants - unless she’s been deemed incompetent to make financial decisions she can choose to do so. Often times when a parent chooses to give money or financial help to an adult child siblings become resentful and claim the parent is being taken advantage of. When one sibling claims this about another sibling I take it with a grain of salt as they’re not an objective person in the situation.
When there’s a senior who helps a child, grandchild, niece or other relative with money it tends to elicit resentment from other relatives if they also aren’t getting money from the senior. Has your grandma been diagnosed and deemed incompetent by a doctor? I found a article by the Advocacy center for the elderly in Toronto, Canada that states in part “even if a person has a diagnosis of mental illness or dementia/ Alzheimer’s does not mean they lack decisional capacity”
Has she been officially deemed so incapable that she lacks decisional capacity? If not then her choosing to give someone help with money. I’m curious what money you get that goes to take care of her? Again bc it’s vague where are you getting the money - if your getting money to take care of her then it goes to you, not her. If you can explain some of these things it would make it easier to answer your question.
If it is only phone calls from the relative, can you find a way to prevent the calls? Turn the ringer off and let all calls go to voicemail. If they can't reach her by phone, the requests, and therefore the arguments, will stop. If they are coming to the residence, don't let them in. If grandma is able to let them in, then the next step is likely threat of restraining order. This can be started with a cease and desist letter from an attorney. If that doesn't work, go for the restraining order. If they continue to call or show up, they can be arrested. There's obviously no point in trying to explain anything to this relative, so the blockades need to be set up. If the requests are avoided, the upset goes away. IF it pops into her head (things like this will pop into their head from time to time, esp since it was an ongoing problem for a while), assure her that you will "take care of it." No other discussion other than reassuring her you will see to it (ignoring it, of course!)
Grandma should have no access to any money, either cash, checks or credit cards. While the calls continue, try not to argue with her. It will be fruitless. Just agree with her and say you will send them something, then change the subject. Of course you won't send anything, but that's not the point. You want to calm her from the agitation this relative has caused.
As for the car cash and Medicaid - the funds can either be used for her initial time in LTC and/or setting up a burial account. She is allowed to "spend down" on legitimate needs, like a burial account, and she is allowed to have something like $2000 in an account.
I wouldn't think bring it up with the hopes of getting a handout would be considered elder abuse. Abuse would be something like you having access to her money and using it for your own gain.
HELP TO SING SOME OF THE OLD HYMNS. YOU WILL BOTH BENEFIT WITH MAKING NEW MEMORIES FOR YOU AND HER.
You need to take charge of the accounts. I handled my brother's accounts for him. He had a small spending account that was his own to do with as he pleased. So that way she will not have control of the money and they can say what they wish. If she will not allow this then you need to tell the people doing this that they will not be allowed communications other than on speaker phone if this continues as the consequences for this elder could be dire, and you cannot allow that.
I don't say I'd do it, but my sister would - pick up the phone and say "stop asking Grandma for money. The cash she got for the car has to be spent on her care for Medicaid qualification, so she can't afford to give it to you; and anyway even if she could she feels emotionally blackmailed by your continual complaints and that's financial abuse."
Of course, you may go on to find that in fact Grandma is offering them money unsolicited and brings the subject up on her own initiative with them. In which case you have bigger problems.
Good responses to this situation. I will only add to
do whatever you feel is best for your grandmother.
Best wishes to you and your family.
"because the small amount I receive goes toward taking care of HER! " What small amt do you receive and if she can write checks for thousands, why are you not using her money. She does receive SS doesn't she?
You mention ur caring for a mother too, where is she in all of this.
If this family member doesn't stop asking for money, I'd consult a lawyer who could do a quick "cease and desist" letter--just tough enough to scare the freeloader. They need to know there are eyes on the problem.
Maybe Grandma should not have the total access to her funds--perhaps requiring a 2nd signature on all checks and someone to keep tabs on her spending. If she's not remembering giving away money, that is scary. I imagine the relative is taking full advantage of that.
I guarantee you the offer of a place to live with them will evaporate overnight.
This relative, do they understand that grandma is not quite all there? If so, then it's on the abusive side. If not, then it's just annoying.
I would get in touch with this person (in writing would be easier and less confrontational) and just plainly and nicely state the facts that any money she gives to them will have to be paid back for her to qualify for medicaid. That she doesn't remember giving them money in the past. That she loves them and wants to help them, but she really CAN'T. That you're sorry they are having issues but could they please resolve them in another way??
Good luck.