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Mom had been in long term care for a few months, and Dad, who has some dementia, had been maintaining at home with aides coming in daily for a couple hours. After a fall, Dad was sent to rehab from the hospital, and it was clear that he wouldn't be able to be back at home on his own (even with aides there). He was in the same facility as Mom, and they were able to get them a room together for the last few weeks. (Being apart since March was the longest they had been apart in the 54 years together, so I was very happy that they could be together for a bit.)
She just passed away last week, and when I went to tell Dad the next day, he definitely understood and was processing it, but I'm not sure how much he is retaining it day to day.


He is not physically in too bad shape, but does not have the stamina to be up and walking for any period of time (nor does he have the desire to be up and about - would rather stay in bed or maybe his chair, and naps frequently). He is incontinent, and wearing depends, and sometimes will know when he has to go to the bathroom, but sometimes not.
Should I try to get him to Mom's funeral services? I feel like he should have the opportunity to go, but given how his memory is, does it do him any good in the long run?
I am reaching out to the nursing home to see what they can help arrange as far as transport and someone to be there with him, and also get their take on whether its a good idea.


I still remember my Grandmother's funeral where my Dad had to keep walking my Grandfather (with dementia) over to the casket to tell him again that it was his wife that had passed and who's funeral it was. I don't think it was good for either one of them. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing it to have him go because 'that's what you're supposed to do', but I'm already feeling guilty even considering not have him go because its the easier way out for me.
My relatives have been very kind through all of this with them, and I think they would understand if he's not there.
If anyone has any experience with this or advice, I would appreciate it.

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Follow-up to my question.
Every situation is different, but I want to let folks know what I ended up doing. For Mom's service, we did a visitation at the funeral home for an hour, and then did a procession to the cemetery where we did the actual service. (Very brief and simple, partially because it was a veterans' cemetery, and they keep to a very rigid and tight schedule.) Then we went to a restaurant for a very small reception afterwards.
I asked the NH to arrange for wheelchair transport for Dad with an aide to be around to give him a hand if needed, and just attend the service at the cemetery. The day before, I just told him - 'today is Monday, tomorrow is Tuesday the 19th, and the service for Mom. So don't give the girls a hassle when they try to get you up and moving tomorrow' [said in a teasing way, as he is more than content to just stay where he is - this is a long-standing thing, nothing new - and he had not wanted to get up for them that day] And he was just like 'yup' and nodded - no questions or anything.
When we got to the cemetery, the van was just dropping him off. I asked the aide if he knew why he was there, and she said that yes he did, he had said to her in the morning that today was the day of his wife's funeral. I of course sat next to him during the service, and he definitely was there in the moment - the look on his face and in his eyes said it all.
Unfortunately we didn't have time for him to interact with the relatives who came out because of the way the cemetery runs the services. I kind of regretted not having him at the visitation, but trying to move him around so much, and the time, I think I made the best decision that I could at the time. He would have been happy to go the restaurant, but he eats very slowly, and I don't think it would have gone well.

Where we go now with him remembering that she is gone, who knows. He has already made a couple comments about calling her. The most important thing to me is that he was there in the moment at the service, and had a small chance to grieve, even if it was for a short while.
Good luck to anyone else trying to determine what they should do - just go with your gut, and what you know about your person.
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Geaton777 Oct 2021
Thank you for the very important follow-up. So glad to hear how it went for your dad and family. May you continue to gain peace in your heart.
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Follow-up to my question.
Every situation is different, but I want to let folks know what I ended up doing. For Mom's service, we did a visitation at the funeral home for an hour, and then did a procession to the cemetery where we did the actual service. (Very brief and simple, partially because it was a veterans' cemetery, and they keep to a very rigid and tight schedule.) Then we went to a restaurant for a very small reception afterwards.
I asked the NH to arrange for wheelchair transport for Dad with an aide to be around to give him a hand if needed, and just attend the service at the cemetery. The day before, I just told him - 'today is Monday, tomorrow is Tuesday the 19th, and the service for Mom. So don't give the girls a hassle when they try to get you up and moving tomorrow' [said in a teasing way, as he is more than content to just stay where he is - this is a long-standing thing, nothing new - and he had not wanted to get up for them that day] And he was just like 'yup' and nodded - no questions or anything.
When we got to the cemetery, the van was just dropping him off. I asked the aide if he knew why he was there, and she said that yes he did, he had said to her in the morning that today was the day of his wife's funeral. I of course sat next to him during the service, and he definitely was there in the moment - the look on his face and in his eyes said it all.
Unfortunately we didn't have time for him to interact with the relatives who came out because of the way the cemetery runs the services. I kind of regretted not having him at the visitation, but trying to move him around so much, and the time, I think I made the best decision that I could at the time. He would have been happy to go the restaurant, but he eats very slowly, and I don't think it would have gone well.

Where we go now with him remembering that she is gone, who knows. He has already made a couple comments about calling her. The most important thing to me is that he was there in the moment at the service, and had a small chance to grieve, even if it was for a short while.
Good luck to anyone else trying to determine what they should do - just go with your gut, and what you know about your person.
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If you cannot personally take him to the funeral, I wouldn't have him go. If you can take him, I would discuss it with him before hand and let him know it is perfectly ok not to attend. He should be given a choice but if he doesn't have strong feelings about going, let him be excused. Everyone who knows him will understand.

I'm sorry for your losses. Glad you are getting support.
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So sorry for your loss 🙏🏼
I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to go to funeral. He can cause a disruption & start screaming. The whole ceremony will revolve around him..not your Mom. Have people come to the house better. He probably won’t even be able to process or understand where he is or why. If he causes a big commotion the funeral Director can ask he not participate. What if he needs diaper change? Leave him home w aides. Maybe funeral home can arrange virtual ?Hugs 🤗
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My take: someone with dementia has a right to participate in activities and be part of the community. Yes, it's very much a lot of work, especially with mobility issues and incontinence. My husband seems just as happy on the couch at home as he would going actually anywhere. At that point his isolation or participation in society and with his family becomes my responsibility. I take that very seriously, maybe too seriously. But his dropping out of life only makes me sadder and him in worse physical and mental condition. That being said, every situation is different. I would do everything in my power to get him to the service. Asking for help becomes necessary. And then if something happens at the last minute to change plans that's OK. There are many challenges involved. I just try to solve them. Sometimes it works out and sometimes not. I purchased canes that fold down to become stools for resting. I'm considering purchasing a walker that also serves as a resting seat. Regarding your question, "Does it do him any good in the long run." Actually I don't look at the long run. If a dementia client's outlook is continued deterioration, that is the long run. It's difficult for everyone, and especially you. For me it's the day-to-day that has become the focus. IMHO each day needs to have meaning, physical and mental activity. (After a big outing a full day of rest is often the most meaningful.) I'm not perfect about this, but I try. Yes it's a lot of work... and emotionally it's quite a burden. You have your own grief as well. We all do the best we can. Hang in there. There is help and support available. Mostly you have to ask for it. I have learned to be very specific about what I need to happen when I ask for help. Regarding "my Dad had to keep walking my Grandfather (with dementia) over to the casket to tell him again that it was his wife that had passed..." this is very sad, and it's part of what dementia life is about. You just do what needs to be done. Yes, it's really difficult. But I'm guessing you're good at difficult things. I found that the more my husband's kids see of what is going on with their father, the more they are likely to understand and offer to help, or just help without being asked. Lastly, you have to make the decision that's best for your situation. I've just shared what I try to do and my outlook on this trying situation is probably not right for everyone. Just one idea.
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Invisible Oct 2021
I agree with your statement about getting the family involved so they know how they can help without being asked. And keeping the person with dementia involved in the community for their own mental stimulation and well being. Much depends on the capacity of the individual and the stress of the event.
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If you discuss the funeral with him and what he would like to do today, and then you do it tomorrow will he know you have discussed it already?
Does he know his wife has died or does he think she had just gone somewhere - does he ask after her?
If the answer to one is NO and he doesn't understand two, then personally I would not be taking him or talking about it to him after the event.
It is hard to go against what we feel should be the right answer, but your care now is for your father and how he will react, what would make him upset. Maybe the staff can advise based on what they have seen in the past and how he is when you are not around.
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I found the social workers (or equivalent) at the facility my dad and mom were in very helpful in this type of situation. They're experienced with people with dementia and might be able to provide some good advice.
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I am so sorry for your families loss.

May The Lord lead, guide and direct you with this difficult situation. May you all receive grieving mercies and strength.
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He probably knows that his wife is not with him. He should have an opportunity to say good bye. If he forgets afterwards, just let the matter rest. It might be helpful to have a trusted family friend or family member to mind your father for this day: bring him to the service, sit with him, take him home afterwards... since it will also be a stressful day for you too.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
The father is incontinent. Please forgive me if I speak plainly. What happens if he craps himself? Places are not equipped with adult-sized changing stations in a restroom the way they are for babies. So there's only two choices in such a circumstance.
Either you leave the man sitting in his own mess stinking up the funeral parlor and church until the service is over and someone brings him home. Or disrupt the service and have to leave because the father has to be brought home. It's not worth it to bring him.
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dec104: I am so sorry for your mother's passing and send you deepest condolences.
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dec104: Imho, anyone who is ill should not attempt to attend the funeral of their LO as they don't possess the physical or emotional strength to do so.
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My FIL a passed away last December 15, and my MIL with moderate to severe dementia did NOT attend. They had been separated for about 6 weeks prior to his death while he was in the hospital and rehab, and when he came back to the memory care facility they did not recognize each other. In her mind he was already gone, even though my husband told her often of his condition and whereabouts. She was incontinent also, and we did not feel that it was in her best interest to take her in a car 3 hrs to the graveside service, and bring her back 3 hrs, nor would it have worked to have her stay in a hotel. It was very sad to have to make that choice. Due to COVID there was no funeral service other than the graveside service attended by immediate family. She passed away 30 days later…to the day. I think she just lost the will to live without him, even though she did not know him when she last saw him. 🥲😔😔
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My condolences on the loss of your mom. I had a similar situation with my last long-term homecare client. She had dementia, was in a wheelchair and in diapers. Her husband passed away and there was debate about whether or not she should be brought to the funeral service.
I told her family that I didn't think she should go for a number of reasons. First of them being she had dementia and such a disruption in her established and very structured daily routine would set her back for days afterward. Second, she would be overwhelmed by all the people who would be attending and coming up to her to offer their condolences. Third, because she was incontinent and in diapers. Funeral homes, other businesses, and public places don't have adult changing stations in the bathrooms like there are for babies. So if an incontinent adult craps themselves, there's no way to change them.
My client did not attend the funeral service. Friends and family came by her house and visited her instead. Maybe this would be good for your father too. Have friends and family visit him to pay their respects instead of bringing him to the funeral.
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I am facing the same situation. I am a power of attorney for someone in a nursing home and if her husband dies (they usually go first), I will NOT have her at the funeral. I don't know what she might do - she might withdraw and not say a word or she could go "nuts" . I would not want the funeral upset by someone watching her every moment and fearing what she might do. And I think it would really traumatize her afterwards - so I would NOT have her there.
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His memory is not at critical stage and he is aware wife died. Take him to the visitation. Don't try to constantly redirect him to look in the casket. Let him do what he wants to while there - talk to people/friends/family. If he chooses to sit down, let him. Don't try to keep him there the whole time unless he appears that he is doing ok. In fact, tell him to let you know when he wants to leave and remove him from the funeral home. He may actually enjoy the visit with people he knows.

If he couldn't remember things from one minute to the next, my answer would be totally different.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2021
My sentiment exactly.
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I think I'd have a small family memorial at the nursing home with Dad there, and not have him at the bigger service.

My mother was at my dad's service because she was still able to walk and comprehend what was going on, or so we thought. She definitely needed that closure and she and Dad were very active in their church, so she did need to be there. However, it was clearly very traumatic for her on top of losing her husband (and caregiver) of 66 years.

I'm not 100% sure I'd have done it again, and I sure wouldn't have if she was completely incontinent.
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cwillie Oct 2021
I'm not sure why you see incontinence a barrier, lots of women live with some level of urinary incontinence for decades and bowel incontinence wouldn't necessarily be a problem either unless the person has huge unpredictable blow outs or the service took place hours away from the NH.
I do think that your idea for a memorial is a good compromise.
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Talk to the nurse at his facility to find out whether he can get a wheel chair for times when he has to be out and there may not be places to sit, like this occasion. Medicare should pay for it. Have you tried asking him if he wants to go? If he doesn't seem eager to go, it may not be needed for his "closure." He may not be able to retain that he will not be seeing her again, and may ask where she is. It may be kinder just to say that she cannot come to see him at that time.
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Agree with Pat 1124.
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I too am sorry for your loss and wish you peace in your grief journey.

I have a bit different take on your question. I think it’s not about your father as much as you. He may or may not remember that his wife has died. You could streamline it by having an aide with him who can leave prior to it getting to be too much. My mom passed away at 102 and we had a viewing/Mass at the Church. My husband with dementia attended it and enjoyed the family interaction. If you think you will feel guilty about him not going in the future, I would arrange for him to attend
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Do not be ruled by what you think one "is supposed to do.". Does your father want to go? Does he understand what the funeral is? If he does not understand or does not want to go, do not take him. Do not let others people's expectations put you or your father in an unreasonable situation. If your father wants to go, make that happen.
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I’m sorry for your loss. When our family went through a similar situation with my aunt having Alzheimer’s, she was brought to my mother’s funeral. She didn’t at all get what was going on but also made it clear that she enjoyed the outing of being there. I can really see it either way, if you decide to have dad there make sure there’s help to keep it brief for him. If you decide it’s better not to, be at peace that you’ve made a decision in his best interest
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I can only say that we had my MIL attend FIL service. It was one of the most Norman Rockwell events I have ever attended. When Taps was played, she stood up from her wheelchair and saluted the flag. I will never forget that moment. She died one month and one day later from cancer.

She had dementia for many years. It was the last time many of her loved ones saw her alive and she was a comfort to them as both grandparents were well loved. One daughter and her extended family had a professional photographer take a family photo as they had traveled a great distance to attend their GF funeral and didn’t know when they would all see each other again. MIL was right there in the photo.

My SIL and I took her to the restroom before and after. We had an appropriate wheelchair for the cemetery terrain and had tagged two young men to assist if necessary. Although her children were right there, SIL and I had decided we would take care of her so others wouldn’t have to.

At the visitation, the night before, we positioned her wheelchair where she could greet visitors (pre covid) as they approached the casket. Her back was to the casket. One of us stood behind her to help guide the conversation. It was not a problem. It just looked to her like they were all coming to say hello to her and she being an outgoing, gregarious person, liked that. The next day at the funeral she was appropriate. She was comfortable in the church as she had been there many times and she was surrounded by family.
So as you can see it is entirely an individual situation. I was more concerned about DH aunt who was showing signs of beginning dementia and was known to act out with an audience. She did fine as well. In later years when there was a death. I took aunt to the funeral home for a private moment with the deceased before others arrived. This worked well for awhile. The last death I made her aware of. my husband and I attended the funeral and then went back for her to take part in a meal. She was delighted to be around so many people who knew her although she didn’t remember them.

Whatever you decide will be fine. I was so tired when my own mother died, I would have preferred not to go myself so I do understand that you simply might not be able to manage it.

In the scenario you described with your dad and GF, we would have asked your dad if we could take him to a lounge for a cup of coffee and a cookie or whatever seemed appropriate. Perhaps even a ride to the cemetery where we would wait or back to his NH. The idea being to have someone who can manage and allow the children to be present but give the spouse an opportunity to attend. I’m really glad we made the effort but I realize that dementia is so individual and the level of support in families is as well.
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I'm sorry for your loss.

Why not have just a memorial service, in your dad's room? (if possible)
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When my second mom and her husband who were married 64 years, got in poor health, both ended up in the same nursing home. He ended up dying first, and when she was not able to attend his funeral, their family set it up on live video(that was back in 2018, and I don't know if Zoom was around then or not)that she was able to watch from her room on a laptop in the nursing home. I sat with her and watched it with her so she wouldn't be alone and so the family could all be at the church.
So I guess you could do something similar either on Facebook live, Zoom or the like. That way he can at least see what's going on and be able to honor his wife by at least being able to watch her service.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, and pray for wisdom in getting this figured out with your dad.
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. May you be comforted by loving memories of her and receive peace in your heart as you move through your grief.

I don't think there's a "wrong" decision here. It may work to bring your dad, even for a brief period of time, but only as long as you have 2 people "managing" him and his physical needs throughout. I don't recommend you do the managing yourself since people will be wanting to engage with you at the funeral and after. Also see if you can get other relatives to manage details of the funeral and any wake/gathering afterwards. You need to grieve and rest.

If you think your dad will be very disruptive at this event this may be the deal breaker. My 99-yr old aunt with mod/adv dementia doesn't go out with us anymore because she can't be quiet or even speak in a whisper and often says inappropriate things, besides not remembering where we are and why. She's a distraction everywhere.

If you do bring your dad I think you only need to explain to him why he's there once. Don't keep re-explaining it to him, at that point just tell him a therapeutic fib about the event, this is a necessity and not morally wrong. The main goal is to keep him calm and peaceful as possible. I'm an only child too, and manage care for 3 elderly LOs so I can relate. Wishing you all the best as you continue to care for your dad.
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First, I am sorry for your loss.

My answer is NO. He isn't going to remember, or may not understand why he is there. I'm sensing a tone in your words that you don't feel it's a good idea either. It's not an easier way out for you! It's an easier way for HIM. This will be too taxing on him physically and mentally.

Being in a new place even for a few hours is so unsettling to someone with dementia. Routine is vital to them, and the slightest thing can throw it all out of kilter for days or weeks. If he gets agitated or has physical issues (such as anxiety or incontinence), what would you be able to do help right then and there?

"Giving him the option to go" isn't really applicable here when he has little sense of what would be going on around him. It's a bit like taking a toddler to a funeral... they had the opportunity to go, but it means little to a toddler and they won't remember it later on anyway.
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