Is it alright to have a first meeting with siblings about our Mom, without all their spouses?

When my husband and I agreed to take care of my MIL the siblings had a meeting with her without me. Their r 4 children, 2 girls and 2 boys. I am the only SIL. I did not want to be involved in the meeting with the children bc I did not want responsibility of anything. It was the family to decide what is best not me. It was agreed to sell her house and move her out of state to come live with us. Out of 4 children we were the only ones willing to care for her. I agree with u that it should be the children to decide with mom. It’s their mom and they grew up with her knowing her wishes better than someone who married into the family. My husband and I have been married for 42 years but I only saw the “good side” of my MIL. It’s a whole new ballgame living with someone.

Try the meeting again, on their terms.

When there is just 3 siblings, that is all that we need. Too much drama in our family. Mom is almost 89 and things less said, the better.

With that many people having a voice in mom's care (SILs included), it may either be too much enough information or a brainstorming session. The later COULD work if everyone knows you will be moving forward with the best PLAN OF ACTION.

Hogwash, you don’t need to have a meeting with spouses to talk about your mom. In fact, what is the big deal? They can go talk among themselves when the meeting is over, and the second meeting can be with everyone as you come to a understanding.

This new trend that you should not separate or bring everyone in to discuss a problem dilutes connection. In fact, you will find it even more difficult bringing all these opinions in without having a understanding first and moving into the planning stages.

Spouses are not immediate family unless it’s the husband and wife and their children. A son or daughter in-law does not trump the “real child” in a family. Your mom did not birth her daughter or son in law. Siblings/children, parents, grandparents. Spouses and in-laws are secondary. That is why no court will look for a in-law before trying to contact a child or the other parent. Sorry but hierarchy and pecking order does matter in the higher courts to stop confusion.

In-laws who get offended is immature at best and controlling. Since the last 20 years since social media came on the scene, I can’t believe how childish and drama like people have become. I see your point of view and support it.

You just want one meeting with your siblings not a darn inquisition.

If your siblings spouses genuinely care and visit your parents regularly then I would certainly include them in meetings. If they are showing no interest what’s the point in having them there.
I refuse to have a meeting with one of my siblings spouse as I’ve been criticized about my care. I’m stressed enough without having to deal with an absentee sibling in law who would rather criticize than offer help.

I would not use the meeting format for your family. My suggestion would be a weekly or monthly email. That way you'll keep control of the conversation. Break into different parts - mom's condition, challenges, how you are doing, and specific requests you have, including requests to stay with her if needed, and what she needs , and upcoming appointments or events. Tell the brothers/wives to respond.

For a change, I didn't read all the comments so probably someone already mentioned this idea.

I wouldn't have called a meeting to as you put it, "the whole point of the meeting was to have the boys interact with mom more, and stop telling me every untrue thing she has to say about me to them.
The more I do for Mom the more she tells the boys the opposite."

From now on, if ANYONE starts to tell you what Mom said, just tell them you do not want to hear it. Stop it right then. After a few times of you repeating this they will stop trying to "inform" you.

As for the boys interacting with mom, their wives need to be a part of the discussion. Remember, their wives are who they sleep with, eat with, play with and depend on for sex.

It sounds to me like you are overwhelmed, sounds like you need to back off from your mom, if that means placement, so be it. If it means putting ID caller on your phone so you don't answer her calls, do that. You need to start taking better care of yourself. ((HUGS))

Hello anon,
It is my opinion that a first meeting with just sibs is a pragmatic choice. After that, given your various sibs' level of involvement, the SILs could be included in any future meetings.
Take care of yourself.
I wish you well,
R27

Which is more difficult:
keep it to "mom's children only" and have to wait for feedback (my hubby and I have a deal to always discuss issues like this together before making decisions)
or to include all family members and deal with every person's personality to get more immediate decisions.
Both are fraught with problems, as you are already dealing with. I think this is why there are POAs for financial and medical decision-making. It seems it would be better to seek the advice of a Lawyer specializing in elder care to help obtain POAs. Then, you would only have meetings with others when you wanted to enlist their help, not their advice.

I always let my wife and her brother deal with their parent's issues themselves and helped out and offered my opinion when asked. I did not feel offended. I respected their feelings. I refused to be a Nosy Nellie.

I totally get what you are saying, we are at this point also and I have wanted to have a meeting with my siblings but I know my brother will bring his wife and daughter who is 20+, who does not belong in the family meeting right now. I wouldn't ask my adult sons to be there.

I think you are just going to do what you feel comfortable with. Do not invite them but publish an email afterwards with the summary of the meeting, then they can voice their opinions to your brothers. That is what I am planning on doing. My husband does not want to be at ours and I am having it on neutral ground since there is already tension between siblings.

I feel at the planning stages for moms future it should be just siblings, I do not want to hear eight different opinions from all.....Then I plan on emailing a summary to all the family, if they have concerns, I am telling them to voice them to their mother or father.

Good luck, Karen

I don't know. I'm of the thinking that immediate family needs to know and extended family is on a need to know basis. Once a care plan has been established, then extended family can be brought on board. If they wish to help after that it's up to them.

I know with my mom's situation the extended family were not involved and seemed okay with that. Mind you, even my immediate family weren't that involved either sad to say. I did most everything.

I think that anything that feels like separation should be avoided. That is how it felt to your SILs, whether you intended that or not is beside the point, they felt that.

I would get the ladies together and ask them to please forgive me, I am really stressed and didn't think this through, I truly only wanted my mother's sons to hear me. I know how much they depend on you as a spouse and I thought that they would never hear me with you all present. I was blind in my thinking and I really hope that you can forgive me. (Hugs all around) then tell them about the meeting and your stress from everything that you are enduring with your mom.

We all screw up, it is how we deal with those mistakes that matters.

I hope you can mend the hard feelings and work together as a family. Hugs for you!

I am also an in-law and having gone through something similar earlier this year, I’m in agreement with the majority that you shouldn’t exclude your SILs. If decisions are being made about moms care, whether it be everyone coming together to provide financial assistance or hands on care, it affects your SILs and you should not ask or expect your siblings to make those kind of decisions/commitments without their spouses knowledge. My husband is also the type to relay bits and pieces rather than all the details. When his dad was hospitalized and there was a care plan meeting, the 3 siblings went alone (spouses had to stay home with the kids). My husband came home and complained that it was a waste of time and that they tried to get them to take their dad home. That was all he would say about it. I couldn’t get a full explanation out of him, he didn’t know what the plan was moving forward. For months this dragged on-care plan meetings, rehab, back to the hospital, more care meetings. And he came home always saying the same thing-it was a waste of time. I didn’t like not being included in the meetings but I didn’t push the issue because my husband felt his dad needed to go in to LTC. But I know him. I know him better than anyone. And I know that he always feels obligated to go along with his siblings. They can both be dramatic and take things personally so he doesn’t go against them, just to keep the peace. So during this time in our lives, I was on edge every time a meeting was planned because......we were being pushed to take FIL home. He would need at least one full time (8hr day caregiver and he couldn’t afford that. My BIL and SIL weren’t against taking him home but neither of them actually thought it through. He lived with BIL in BILs tiny house so.....BIL thought he would have to pay for caregivers and he couldn’t afford that so he was hung up on that. He never thought past the financial part & considered that his home would be taken over by FIL and turned in a hospital (FIL was on a feeding tube, chest tube and catheter) and that he would be the one providing hands on care when the caregivers day ended and all weekend. SIL thinks emotionally and she didn’t want him to die in a nursing home because it was too depressing. So she wanted to get him an 8-5 Monday thru Friday caregiver and bring him to her house. She was going to make her son & daughter Start sharing a room. And that’s as far as she thought it through. She didn’t think about who would pay for a full time caregiver and she didn’t consider that....once the caregiver left at 5pm, SHE would be providing hands on care for a bedridden invalid for 16 hours until the caregiver returned. And that she would be taking care of him 24hrs a day on the weekend. No doubt she would have expected us all to help because she has family obligations (young kids and a husband). She would have expected us all to split the cost of the caregiver. My BIL would have refused to pay his 1/4, he has never in 20 years been willing to fairly split the cost of anything, so we would have had to pay more than 1/4 of the cost.

and had my FIL come home, my husband would have just gone along with his siblings! With no thought as to the impact it would have on his family! And had I had tried to broach the subject, he would have shut down the conversation and said “he’s my dad” (aka, he’s obligated to do this) and “we’ll make it work”. It would not have been fair to his family to go along with 2 major decisions-financial assistance and hands on care. Not fair at all. We’d have to find ways to cut back. We would lose family time, I’d run myself ragged taking my kids to sports practices, games and maintaining the household.

Just remember, your decisions and actions can have an impact on the rest of the family. So don’t purposely exclude anyone.

Is there a Power of Attorney dicument? I would strongly recommend for your mother to clarify exactly which individual or individuals will have the ultimate responsibility for making decisions about her care in the future if she loses capacity. In an urgent, life-and-death situation it may not be possible to have a meeting and sometimes decisions will need to be made that everyone do not agree on.

My H's mother is still alive (lives alone; is a fall risk). She is 86. If/when the time comes that she needs care, I expect the 2 POA daughters will try to get $ out of everyone (5 sibs total)to fund Mama's at-home help or facility care (although MIL says she will have to be carried out of the house, and I think she means not alive). We believe that the house is to be left to the one D who never married.

I won't agree to chipping in $ for this. MIL inherited $ from a cousin, and she blew through most of that traveling the world. And why should we pay to save someone else's inheritance (the D who will inherit the house)? The house should be sold to fund MIL's care.

So, yes, I would be expected to be involved in any decisions regarding MIL's care that involve MY $.

Support comes in all forms.
Family comes in all forms.
When a sibling marries or takes a life partner that person becomes family.
If a sibling has a supportive spouse why exclude them from a family meeting.
Would you exclude a spouse from any other family get together?
As a parent, spouse or friend declines due to health issues you need all the help, love, support that will come your way. In some cases you might even find that spouses are more helpful, more supportive than blood relatives.
The old saying..It takes a village...is so true not just when raising a child but on the other end of the life journey.
Include everyone in your "village"
and another..A burden shared is a burden halved.

I'd include the spouse's of siblings in any meeting if there is a potential for those spouse's to end up providing care or money towards care. Those are serious commitments and your siblings alone would not be impacted.

The sibling spouses may also be concerned that if you cannot or will not take care of mom in the future, the burden will fall on them. That is something they may not agree to. It's easy to dump that burden on the last person standing which appears to be you thus far.

If mom needs a nursing home due to frailty and falling, someone will have to come up with the funds for that. Perhaps the spouses of siblings are concerned about financial commitments. That is one of the biggest sticking points for many families.

I want to chime in here and suggest that you might be making things unnecessarily harder on yourself by trying to exclude spouses. As others have said, normally in a marriage, big decisions are made jointly, so it makes sense for spouses to be included in a family meeting.

I think I can understand why you wanted to get together just with your siblings the first time. These things are difficult to talk about and it might have seemed easier on your nerves to have only the people you grew up with there - a kind of privacy. But moving forward, I think you should include the spouses. As others have said, as women it's likely they'll end up with most of the actual work of it. And in the long run, does it really matter if they're included?

You said you're getting burned out. Why foster conflict when you're already tired and worn down? I don't think you did anything especially wrong for the first meeting, but if I were you I'd let go a little - apologize to the inlaws, ask for - and accept - their help. You can't go this alone. Let others help.

Tough one.....but only you can determine how best to handle this. You don't want this to become a family conflict, but initially the bottom line comes down to the siblings for mom's care, living arrangements, finances, etc. If SIL's are going to be hands on and devote much of their time to your mom, then they should absolutely be in the loop. Other than that, I say do what you feel best....caring for our elder parents is stressful enough.....no need to add additional drama into the equation. Stick to your guns....they'll get over it. If not, then it's on them.

We never included our SIL. She didn’t want to help Mom. She just wanted to be bossy and she couldn’t stand my brother Jay. She routinely refused to let Mom ride with her to Walmart, the grocery etc. and mom required no help.

Here is my situation. It's just my brother and myself. We are both married. The last meeting that we had regarding my mom, I couldn't go to and as far as I know, it was just my brother that went to the meeting. For some reason, my SIL has it in for me. He even told her to stay out of our family issues. That was a first. We have another brother that lives in Ohio and he has been coming to see mom a lot more often. Has more freedom since he has been divorced.

ANYWAY, it all depends on the situation. I am my mom's healthcare rep now and my brother is financial poa. My husband doesn't care to go to any meetings regarding my mom. He will go and see her. My brother and I will work together and most of the conversations that we have are by e-mail

I say, just go with the flow. If you can get along with the SIL's, then do what you feel is best.

I am the SIL who has been left out of family meetings and discussions. Was it right, in SIL mind it was because she tried to pull quite a few sneaky shots on DH who was MIL POA for financial and medical,and named executor of the estate (ie signer on MIL accounts, told DH no need for him to be on them too, don't you trust me? um nope)
I am also the DIL whom MIL moved in with, caregiver, advocate, meds, low sodium meals, laundry cleaning, hygiene, etc. We made sure she was happy and loved. ZERO assistance from either SIL, but lots of manipulation, orders and as I call them secret squirrel meetings and texts to husband that he immediately told me about. MIL lived with us for almost 2 years, spawn of satan SIL moved to Florida, which she thought she kept secret from us till last possible minute. When MIL suffered a massive stroke, losing her speach and whole right side, Florida sil refused to come see her, expected me to call and put her on speaker phone if anything happened so she could listen in as her mom passed. This person does not work, has more than enough miles to fly for free both ways many times over and could have stayed at my home for free. Told her I was not asking her to do anything but to visit with her mother so MIL could see her. Nope, and don't try to call me this afternoon, I plan on getting in the pool today. So I do understand why they would be hurt by being excluded. Sometimes brothers don't get it, and need to have things explained to them, sometimes SIL may have a bit more knowledge of certain aspects of what needs to be done or how to apply for additional help. If having a siblings only meeting about mom maybe a better way would be to tell everyone in a group text so there are no misunderstandings or hard feelings that initial conversation will be siblings only with follow up to include all who wish to participate. My position is a bit different than yours because you have been doing the caregiving, not them, in my case it was all on me, not them. Husband helped with household upkeep where he could, just wish he would've told them to either help out or shut up. Now the arguments about I want have begun. Do this, do that, still zero help but plenty of demands and orders. Wishing you peace during your trying time, hopefully things will work out for the best for all concerned. It's a hard, stressful, lonely road to be a caregiver who does not have daily help with their loved one. Best wishes to you.

In my situation, I'm the In-law. I want to be included in all meetings because I don't always get a full/accurate accounting of what went on from DH. Several times, important pieces of information don't make it back to me, and then we have big hiccups in the plan!

And honestly, in our family, if there is going to be help added to the equation - it will be me, not DH. That may be the case in your family as well, that the wives will be the ones doing things.

I understand what you were thinking, my SIL thinks the same way. She often wants things to be "Just me and my brother", but she also doesn't realize -- her brother doesn't want to deal with her at all. He disagrees with her ideas for mom's care, and he really just hates having to interact with her at all. Spends all his time holding his tongue so he doesn't go off on her :( When I'm involved, I can mediate between them, and she doesn't even realize I'm doing it (neither does he, for that matter, LOL)

Hopefully your next meeting can clear the air and all of you can try to be one team working for your mom's benefit. Good luck, caregiving is hard, in so many ways, and family muck is a big part of it :(

Frankly, you should have excluded the boys and gotten the wives together if you wanted anything done. 😉

On a more serious note, I would not have excluded the wives. Anything done or not done with your mom affects their lives too, even if you feel it’s more indirect than direct. If one brother is to visit more and commit to “once a week on Saturdays,” that is a decision his wife ought to agree with in that discussion as it affects her, their family unit, their plans, their kids, etc.

And family is family, even if some are divorce-able. If they were girlfriends or even fiancées, I’d agree with you. But even long-term, unmarried partners— id be likely to include in future family meetings.

Assuming they are reasonable women, I can’t imagine this is hard to fix. Just a call apologizing, saying you were being shortsighted and was just feeling hurt by your mother, made you view the situation only from your perspective and your wanting to discuss mom with “just” the brothers. Then just tell them that they’re all family to you and that moving forward, you’ll be sure to include them. Then hear their side out and I imagine it’d be over and done with. I don’t think this is like the SILs were not invited to the party of the year; perhaps nobody really wanted to be there — they just didn’t want to be specifically barred from coming and explicitly excluded.

I do believe you are right about only siblings. My 3 older brothers would have set there too. Its very tricky dynamics with the sibs.. I have one that lives 3 baseball throws away and wife is a nurse, only visits on mothers day. The other 2 live in different states but will stay a month vacation while driving past our house.
My dad passed away 8 yrs ago....my brothers all left the next morning leaving me there with mom. They never offerd help in the 8 yrs i took of mom. Random 1 hour visits to check on moms house err... mom... i swear just see if she was still alive... Like who are these people??? Not the brothers that I grew up with.. they helped when i got beat up at school... recovered my mini bike when it was stolen.. I called them all out for not calling mom or visiting her.. and if they wanted to take her for awhile they could. Well that wasnt anything they wanted.
After 8 yrs of taking care of mom I was blessed as much as she was with me taking care of her... That said. My brothers became spineless to their spouses and i was not able to talk to my sibs without being critized by their spouses. And of course the spouses had their adding machine out. Had mom for 8 yrs ..last three was hospice at home for 30 months... of course I am financially broke, bad credit and no retirement and 2 heart surgeries (3 stents in each for total of 6 )in 17 months. I cant imagine my parents wanting any decision made by my siblings wives. In hindsight I would of politely told my sibs we need to talk leave your spouse at home.....and if they are truly lucky at a later date we might let them sit with our parent but otherwise this is not your parent.. I dont like my brothers spouses never will. unfortunately once the last parent passes the true character comes out. If your the main caregiver explain to sibs what you do and make them aware of caregiver burnout , how much for 4 hours of caregiving costs and respite options. Some just don't comprehend, they may call you a mooch or a grave robber ... a mooch takes everything they can and does whatever they want whenever they want. A caregiver takes very little has very little time if any to take a 2 minute shower but always there 24x7... last i remember grave robbers dont stick around for years to care for a parent.
Spouses are just annoying for the most part and are needless stressors unless of course they are one of a kind then they are probably better than your sibs themselves good luck!!!!! P.S. at the end of the day i was always thirsty and then remembered I forgot to drink water ... Always Hydrate .. Caregiving is like running a 26k marathon except they keep moving the finish line for another 26k. and then again...

The OP has left the building.

What a shame you have such a bunch of immature adults in your family.

Like it or not, you and your brothers have known Mom longer than the in-laws and are ultimately responsible for her care. The in-laws can certainly be included, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with a preliminary siblings-only meeting where the subject is Mom and not "why didn't you include my spouse."

My husband's family will need to be having those meetings about their mom in the next year or two, and heaven help us if all the spouses are involved. There are seven siblings as it is, so if we also throw in the six spouses, nothing would even get accomplished. I am happy to not be included in those discussions when and if they ever get around to them, and if they want my opinion (since I'm the only one who has gone through this already), I'll give it.

Find a diplomatic way to tell your SILs and brothers that "this is not about you, but about Mom," and perhaps they'll calm down and let the meetings progress naturally.

I would feel slighted too.

If anyone (family especially) asked me to meet up but not with my husband, my answer would be HELL NO.

Anything that needs to be said to me can be said in front of my husband too.

If you were worried your brothers wouldn’t listen, then say so up front. “I’m really worried about mom and I need you to hear me out” comes across much better than “I don’t want your wives there.”’