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My husband and I have been having this fight for the last three years. His elderly father can't take care of himself yet wants to stay in his home. He can afford to hire live-in help but won't because he wants to leave the money to his grandchildren. Therefore, he expects his adult children to take care of him. All of them work and have their own families. They all take turns bringing him dinner one night a week and the unmarried son moved in with him several months ago. The son now has a girlfriend and wants to be with her over the weekend. The other children decided that when the live-in son decides to leave someone will stay with the Dad over the weekend. I resent my husband because I don't think it's his responsibility to be his father's caretaker and he does. Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.

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Janet, you have asked a very complicated question. I guess the answer is "it depends". First point - was the relationship a good one through the years - did father-in-law help his kids and grandkids through the years? Was there a positive and loving relationship that built an expectation of "we'll help each other"? Was it dysfunctional - where the parent was a narcissistic old patoot that expects everyone else to make things happen for him at no cost so that he can be the hero to grandchildren? If FIL (father-in-law) ends up in nursing home on Medicaid, the money he has so carefully saved by using adult children to provide care will be spent down anyway without it ever being available for helping adult children or grandchildren. Maybe the grandchildren he wants to help could be paid to be caregivers? Or the adult children paid with a Medicaid compliant contract to be caregivers and the money put into a savings account for the grandkids? Is the care actually being provided by your husband or is the expectation that "the wife" will provide the hands-on care - do you worry that the FIL will be moved in with you whether you want it or not. Does your husband's family have a history of hands-on caregiving at home? I understand your concerns. My in-laws moved closer to my husband and his brother and we had a poor relationship. Now they don't understand why I'm not rushing 100 miles round trip to provide cleaning help and meals. Would you expect your husband to help if it was your parents or does your extended family not require that level of care? If it's a problem for you now with shared help and only 1-2 days per week, start talking because it's only going to get more intensive and needy later....
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I read a quote the other day. "Always strive to give your spouse your best; not what's left over after you give your best to everyone else." I think we sometimes forget this as caregivers to our children, parents and grandchildren. I wonder how many marriages are destroyed because of caregiving.
I don't think it's fair to EXPECT our children to care for us in our old age, especially when we can afford to pay for it. Bringing dinner one night a week is nice. Spending weekends for who knows how many years is more than I would agree to. Maybe occasionally but not on an expected schedule. How many siblings are there? Chances are, even if they begin this schedule they'll start to realize how difficult it is and how much time it takes away from their families. Especially as the father's needs increase.
The good news is that your husband is looking at this as HIS responsibility to look after his father and not as YOUR responsibility to take care of him.
Good luck with this!
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I think a lot of the difficulty we're having now is because we are in a transition period. Our parents came up in a time when a serious stroke or heart attack was lethal. People generally died when they were 60-80 years old. Many of our parents probably never helped care for an aging parent, and if they did, it was not for too long. Now people can live 10-20 years in terrible health. Half of adults live until they are 80 and a third live into their 90s. Dementia is so common in people past 80, so they can't live alone.

When our parents was growing up it was often assumed children would care for them when they got old. The children, particularly the daughters, owed it to them. Why, I don't know. The thing now is that caregiving can go on more than 10 years and totally rob the caregiving child of her own retirement.

Does a child owe their parent this significant chunk of their own life? Of course not. But you can't convince the parent of this, because the parent is focused on their own comfort and security. It is not really that they want to save the money for the grandchildren. They don't want to leave their home and change their lives. If there are many grandchildren, the amount of money divided up wouldn't amount to much unless the elder was very wealthy.

I do think that now life is longer that children should help to make sure the parent is safe in a good community. 3% of adults live to 100 now, so when we think of caregiving we have to consider the number of years. I've been with my mother 8 years -- 12.5% of my life as a caregiver and counting. Personally I can't imagine how a parent would ever ask this of a child.
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No. We have no obligation to care for our parents. It is certainly great for those who can and choose to spend time -- but not out of guilt or because its obligatory.

If parent has the means to hire in care and assistance -- then they should do so. Unfortunately, I don't think parents understand today's world and how busy families are with their own children, work, and often being long distance and not living nearby or in same household with elder.

If you continue to provide these "prop ups" by someone living with FIL, providing meals, and stayovers -- they won't ever get hired help and as they age, it just gets worse and more skilled care is required.

Have a family meeting and decide what everyone is willing and wants to do. Fill in the gaps with references & costs for hired in help (grocery shopping, cleaning, meal prep, monitoring dad). Take the plan to dad and discuss with dad. Tell him the family can no longer continue as they have and hired help will start X day for 4 hours daily or whatever you decide. Stick with the plan whether dad tries to fire them or not.

Tell him if he isn't open to part time help, then the next step is assisted living at X dollars. Explain to him that this is how family wants him to invest his money; not saving for grandchildren or tell him he can gift $1000/child annually if he likes while he spends his own money on his own care.
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JanetPH, my parents were the same way when it came to hiring caregivers, they didn't want to give up one dime, it was being saved for me. I even told my parents to use the money as they may outlive me !!

This was long before I knew about these forums here, and that I could set boundaries. What I was doing was enabling my parents to keep up their life style while I had to change mine. Thus, I did start to cut back on what I was doing as I was employed full-time, and getting up in age myself. My parents still viewed me as the "kid", someone with a lot of energy.... nope that ship sailed a few years ago.
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Sue888 says, "Always strive to give your spouse your best; not what's left over after you give your best to everyone else." I think we sometimes forget this as caregivers"

I find this comment interesting... What about the non-caregiving spouse giving their best to their spouse?

I do not fill "obligated" to care for my mom... It is love and respect that drives me to care for her. I am blessed with a husband that totally supports this. We cared for his father, in our home, over 20 years ago when he had congestive heart failure. We care for his mother too although at this time she doesn't require the level of help my mom does. I have 5 adult children and am blessed that they help out too, with the support and understanding of their spouses. It is not expected of them, they simply volunteer when they see a need. That is what family is all about.

The quote I remember is, " one mother can care for 10 children, but 10 children can't care for one mother." I think that is a sad statement.
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Yes and no. I don't think kids should alter their lives to the point they HAVE no lives in order to make sure their parents are "cared for". Each family dynamic is SO DIFFERENT! In families where it works like clockwork that one family member has responsibility for one day only and it's just the one day--OK, that can work. But so often, we hear the sob story (mine included) where initially everyone is willing to "kick in" some time, and after a while, it's obvious that one or two of the family are doing 99% of the care.

My daughter has an elderly man as her neighbor. He lost his wife 3 years ago. His kids have been beyond amazing. One is there everyday for several hours, and he doesn't go a single day without hearing from or seeing each child (they're all in their 60's, but still). He actually gets a little tired from constant outings and stuff, but is too sweet to tell them he's wearing out (he's 91). They have maintained that for the 3 years and it is going well.

They are NOT the rule--more, I see one person handling ALL of the problems of an aging parent. And the anger and resentment that comes. My own family is fractured beyond repair, as 3 of my sibs are MIA & want nothing to do with mother's care. Initially, it was to be split up so no one got overwhelmed.

I think it IS our responsibility to make sure our elders are safe, cared for and in comfortable surroundings. I do NOT think it's our job to run and fetch and wear ourselves out for their comfort. A fine line and only you can answer as to what is right for your family member.
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If this was your dad/mother...what would you do...think of it in those terms...the right thing to do...is for your father in law to hire the appropriate individuals to take care of him..as it seems he has the financial means.

Secondly, I can understand your husband wanting to be there and do the right thing..but until you actually step up to the plate and do it...you have no clue what in entails to take care of an aging parent...I have two and it is a full time job...along with all the other elements....that fall in to play, their aggression, medical issues..outside family interference...it is a never ending all day life consuming process.....do the appropriate thing...get him the help he needs..

why should the grandchildren benefit...absolutely not...his money should be for his care..your father in law has the money..use it for his health..not for his children or the grand kids.

This is not an easy road to convince your husband..but maybe if he looks at it through another perspective he may get a clear understanding of what needs to be done.   and not take on this emotionally, physical and challenging battle..because .it will consume your entire life..    

If anyone objects, why?   It's not their decision to make unless they are going to take care of him..if all of his children are willing to do their fare share and take turns..then it can be worked out in that manner.... but if all the burden falls on you and your husband...then it eventually will become an issue as time goes by emotionally and physically.

Best of luck to your and your husband...you have a long road ahead of you.
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The problem with this issue is that there's no consensus about it, and people's attitudes are all over the map. I agree that there's no obligation, but I can see your (Janet's) husband's point too. All the adult children have agreed to do this. If he bows out, he will be increasing the work for the others and letting them down. And maybe being blamed/resented by the person taking the extra shift.

Maybe there's a compromise in here somewhere. Maybe the father can be convinced to pay for a few hours of outside care each weekend day so that all the siblings can have some time with their families. As much as I believe that the father should pay for care if he can afford it and not expect his grown children to take care of him, I would feel the same way as the OP's husband because I would not want to be the shirker among my siblings. JMO.
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JessieBelle you made some interesting comments. I believe we do not "owe" our lives to our parents, but rather our respect in most cases. But try to convince them of that. In the "old" days, and generally speaking, most wives did not work so it was assumed the aging parent would move in with the children and the "wife" would take care of them. But things have changed. We are working career women, we are raising our own families (even grown children that need help), and yes the elders are living older as we age with ailments as well. Someone here said something that hit home and I use it now..When our parents raised us they were in their 20's/30's...healthy with energy! Lifting a 150lb adult is not easy when you are in your 50's/60's. Aging parents today have more services available to them and more money (in most cases). But their mind set is still back in time. The common thread I see here often is the "guilt" factor. Mom is in a good Independent Living apartment, well taken care of and people that want to be her friend, even though she refuses to join in activities or go to the dinning room and now has her meals brought to her. I need to let her be to learn to socialize (good advice I got here recently) with the other residents - who are lovely by the way. She's angry with me that I am not there 24/7 - but I call her every day, take her out once or twice a week and go the the bank/doctor/accountant with her when need be. Bring her plants for her balcony etc. But I'm still not a good enough daughter...I've let the guilt go, will never move her into my home but keep an eye on her and when her current dementia gets to the stage that she needs Assisted Living, I will make arrangements. On an interesting note, neither of my parents ever helped care-give for their own parents. They left it up to the other siblings.
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Lots of good points made here.

If you had a mommie or/or daddy dearest, ruined you life and theirs, walk away and don't look back.

Decent parents are at least owed supervision and management of elder care. And of course there's a wide spectrum of cases in between horrible and wonderful parents.

My folks drive me nuts with the inheritance argument. They're stuck in a 1950s mindset and can't imagine that basic facility care can be 5 or 6 K per month. They have this idea that they're just going to die peacefully during Judge Judy someday in the far, distant future.

So meanwhile they refuse in home help and won't hear of moving to assisted living. I do what I can, take care of finances etc., but I'm not going to enable their fantasy of no outside help by running myself ragged and sacrificing my life.

I remember very well many years ago when mom and dad moved my grandmother in.  One week did em in.  Off to the nursing home she went.
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Interesting answers. And as the care-giver for both my parents (who are now in assisted living) caring for parents can take many forms. I took care of my parents in their home and we were all miserable. They were unable to care for themselves, unable to go up and down the stairs, prepare healthy meals, clean and upkeep their home, make doctor's appointments or drive. Moving them was the best option. My husband and I still manage their finances, visit and make sure things are going well in assisted living, make & drive to appointments and visit, but we reclaimed our sanity and know they are safe and healthy.
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I think you are one of the lucky ones. Seems like husbands family has each taken a responsibility for Dad. I think its great that live in son has set boundries. He has a right to take time off. Maybe what needs to be done is each child take a weekend or a day on the weekend. Maybe all of them should sit down with Dad and explain what you all do. That u all can't be there every hour of the day and Dad needs to use the money he has for his care.
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I would not make it harder for husband. You have made your side known, he doesn't agree. This is something he wants to do so let him. And, I would support him.
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Yes. No, Take your pick. Both sides represent values and not facts. As such, we tend to pick through the arguments that support our valued view and ignore or discount the ones that don't. Truth be told anyone who says yes or no is just voicing an opinion on which many will disagree. What I wonder why even ask the question because nothing anyone says is likely to change your mind or your husband's mind.
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It sounds like your husband and his family work well together and are a loving family taking care of their father. How wonderful of the grandfather to want to leave something to his grandchildren. It's not often you see siblings working together to help a parent either.
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I completely agree with GrammyTeacher's remarks. Too many times we think only of ourselves and our feelings etc. I think that if we would go back to the Bible and read what God has to say about this subject we would be better off for all concerned. None of our parents were perfect as are we but we are to honor them and caring for them in their old age our duty and honor. Hopefully it is out of love and respect.

However , if the parent can afford health care this option should be pursued. This does not mean we are abandoning our parent as we should keep a close check on them and their caregivers.

Hope his is helpful.
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Honor they Mother and Father. Do you have children? You sound very selfish. Children should help their parents. It should be a shared chore. And it is a chore. When you get older who do you think should help you? If the father has the means he should use them for his care and forget about inheritance. Use the money for his care.
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I think MsRandall is probably absolutely right, and made me smile while she was at it :) - but all the same, it is interesting to chew these issues over.

So what you really, really object to is the old man's pigheadedly staying at home and being tight-fisted and expecting his busy adult children to pick up the slack? So you take issue with his wishes: 1. to live at home; 2. to economise on his care so as to earn his grandchildren's gratitude (mm. Maybe).

The thing is. From the average forum member's (i.e. my) point of view, your husband is being a Good Guy. He's sharing his siblings' work to fulfil your father's wishes to remain in his own home. And as long as they all pull together, the theory goes, the burden will not fall too heavily on any one person and they will each have contributed to making their dad happy in his old age. It's not really that reprehensible, is it? But you still resent him for wanting to do this?

I truly don't mean this as a criticism, it's just a question: do you have a well-established dislike of your FIL? Has he p*ssed you off substantially before now?
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This is certainly a difficult topic. My husband has early onset Alzheimer's. Both of my DILs believe it is not their responsibility to help or be involved. One of my sons does what he can to give me a little free time. He owns his own business and it is not easy for him but he tries. The other son has decided it puts too much stress on his own family and his wife feels that since he travels for his job sometimes his family should be his focus so he stays away altogether and we no longer get to see the grandchildren. It is hard to judge what is in someone's heart but we must do our best to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Don't let them rob you of your joy.
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If your husband wants to care for his father, he should. There are things that can be worked out with his siblings, but maybe he just wants to be a part of it. And maybe he would feel terrible if he didn't. Not to mention resenting you possibly. But, if his father isn't getting care at his home because he wants to leave money to his grandchildren, then thats just wrong.
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I took care of Mom and Dad for years, helping with the easier issues. But Dad passed, mom failed and my 2 half brothers took advantage of mom to the amount of $100,000. Mom was in shock and did not know what all was going on. SHe had no will to live. I but it some and my half brother whom I always was close to beat me up twice in front of mom. He wanted total control over her money. I became the POA, but I had to find an assisted living as her diabetes and depression was out of what I could control. I finally moved her and I out of state to Va. Mom used to live there for some years as a child. It has been almost 6 years. I have been through mom getting C-Diff which is fatal, she was hospitalized in NC hospitals as they knew how to handle C-Diff. Most elder's do not make it through the 5 additional FDA required antibiotic's. It was a nightmare. I traveled to NC to visit. She was hospitalized for about 6 weeks. She had to be discharged due to another FDA requirement of 2 occurrence's.. She was in ICU and I was alone in all this.My brother whom is worried about getting money in her will, does not talk to me refuses. Mom has dementia and gets highly moody. I never know what to expect one hour to another. I am tired, burnt out and my health is awful. Mom is 80 years old and stubborn. I have had to move her to 4 facilities due to her conditions and issues going on. I use OptimRx and take charge of her prescriptions. I take her to her Doctor appointments when she will go. Her 2 sons do nothing, and her expectations are very high on me.She can be hateful but never did to "her boys". Now that I have her money secured and paying for Assisted Living etc. the boys do not even call her,no money in it for them. I was divorced in 1987 and never remarried partly so I could be there for mom. Her depression is real and no medication helps. Celexa causes heart rhythm issues also. Her brother hung himself at 60 years old writing a letter that he did not want to grow old. Her Dad quit eating so he could die as he wanted to although he had a very loving family. He died a year later at 65 lbs. I am overwhelmed. In this part of SW Virginia it is rural , I wanted a cheaper place of living, VT is very high.There is no support groups or legal aid to help with an IRS issue that could cost mom the rest of her money. I am sick over that currently and have no idea what to do.
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It's different in each family. I think your husband is doing what he feels is morally correct. Maybe you should try to be more supportive and maybe help out with Til yourself. I understand it creates issues and time constraints but family is family. This man gave your husband life, so why wouldn't he be there for him in o!D age?!? Not sure what the real issue is, but when you caregiver for aging, sick, parent in Your home like most of us on this site do, only then would you fully realize the time, dedication, and work it takes. I say give him a break, and be more supportive. The man won't live forever, but your hubby will remember Who was supportive of his ordeal.
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what ever happened to " for better or worse" in a marriage. what ever happened to the "love" for a parent who brought your husband into this world. I cant believe anyone would fight with their spouse over the love and care of a spouses parent. No there is no obligation on any ones part but the respect, love and care of a parent from their child should be top priority from their children as their health declines. Your not even discussing the care of a parent on a permanent basis 24/7 like most people do. You should be thankful for the son that moved in to help all the time.
My question to you is: what if this was your mother or dad? would you feel the same way????????????????? I am the only child who takes care of my mom, and dad
24/7. I have four selfish sisters who feel its not their job. I cherish the moments that I have with them everyday as I don't know when the end will be. I take the good and funny of the day and delete in my mind the bad. my parents are still in their own home and 92 years old and I moved in with them. my husband supports me completely as my partner. I also helped care for his mom for a year and a half until she passed. My husband has parkinsons disease and he chips in as much as possible. my children also help out as much as they can. I am sorry but I can not agree with some of the responses given , its how I feel.
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It's his choice whether or not he wants to be his dad's caregiver; many children dump their folks in nursing homes. If he's incapable of caring for himself he may need to be Baker Acted and competency evaluated by a psychiatrist. If you go the nursing home route, all of his estate goes to the home. Staying at home is equally expensive which means someone forfeits their life, job, and even personal savings and future Social Security to be the caregiver. If there are siblings they will always accuse the caregiver of "abusing" the elder person's savings forgetting the extreme costs involved with care giving. Actually if your husband has brothers/sisters you are better off putting him in a nursing home to avoid those false accusations and bad blood. PS: The caregiver will eventually end up cleaning up his feces and urine and even diapers, wipes and tons of gloves are quite costly.. Eventually it will come up to that.  Let me emphasize if you have brothers and sisters, you are BETTER OFF putting him in a nursing home because you will find out how greedy and dirty your own siblings can be. 
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I am having the same problem I stay with my dad 4 days a week and have a paid caregivers for 3 days a week. I really need to go back to work and need to cut my time back with my dad because I do have a 10 year old with spectrum and started having married issues with my husband. My dad and his girlfriend more so his girlfriend tries to make me gulty for wanting to take of my child and my husband. his girlfriend will not do anything she says because I am his daughter it is all my responsibility she will not do his grocery shopping or pay bills or his medicine because she says it is all my responsibility I talked to a lawyer and they told me that I am not legally responsible for anything because I don't have power of attorney or garendshipe.
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So the single son is caregiving M-F and wants his weekends free? How many other siblings are there? If they each take a weekend and rotate the schedule how often will your husband be asked to spend a weekend with his father? Look at it as an opportunity for your husband (&you) to spend some alone time with Dad. I’m sure there are old stories to tell, ask Dad about his youth, his family, look at old photos. Take Dad out, anywhere. Go to a park, a flea market, a movie or a play. Plan another weekend for just the two of you to do something together or with your family. How old are the grandchildren? Can some of them spend a weekend or a day with their grandfather? It seems that the family is trying to work out a solution for keeping Dad home. What a great example for the younger generation.
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There was a time when no one asked this question. Families lived closer, multi-generational families lived under the same roof. Elders were not seen as problems, but additions to the family, and many lived long productive lives with their families until they died of natural causes; when the family had a chance to mourn in their homes the loss. Today, everything is different. People move away from family. Parents get older, sicker and some placed in nursing homes where they decline even quicker. Medications given to older people, make them worse with so many other side-effects, we don't even know what is the cause of their strange behaviors -- is the the drug side-effects or something else? Yes, people are living longer -- and that means YOU too, hopefully, you have family that wants you, even when you are old. It is hard, but not impossible to help take care of our parents in their homes, and have wonderful lives doing so.
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I like the "it depends" answer.
My advice is to go look in the mirror and see if you like who is looking back at you. If all your DH is doing is taking dinner over 1 night a week, why the big stink? If you don't want to cook for your FIL, let your DH bring him a plate from the restaurant.

YES, you deserve a life too. If it was you who became incapacitated, what would you want done for you? I married a man who took care of a bedridden wife for 2 years! I recognized that this man would also take care of me if I became incapacitated and I appreciated that thought.

I am one of 4 children, the youngest girl, and it was me who wound up assisting my dad - we moved him onto our property in a new mobile home, right in our front yard.

My DH didn't resent this - he would come in and tell me that my father looked lonely and I should go over and visit. He realized early on that anything I did for my father, I would do for him too when needed. My DH was 2 years older than my dad - and DH is still here but Pop passed on 6 years ago. We are not sorry for the kindnesses we showed to him.
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You are somewhat lucky because there are other family members that are able to take a turn. My husband did absolutely no care of his mother other than to drive us to doctor appointments, I was the one that had to give all of the care including personal care, household chores, cooking and finding programs to try to help. This was for nine months - I literally had no real life during that time. She had advanced dementia and diabetes. I also did her hospice care until her last breath and prepared her for the undertakers to come to pick her up. He argued with me about her care constantly, withheld money from me, yelled at me that he couldn't take it anymore & was leaving (he never left), avoided her at all costs and mainly made my life even more miserable than it was with just her care. To say I resented him would be an understatement. Your husband does not appear to be this selfish or callous.
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