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Felt that when my home was sold it should be split between two. We actually want our own home, having to relocate and our daughter wants us to move in with her.
Dont sale your house and move in with your daughter if you don't have too.
Thints hapoen even wuth good intentions.
If you do sale your home, only put in half the money towards the new house with your daughter and out the other half in the bank that can be left for your other dsughter once you're dead.
Or, sale your home and purchase the other home that your daughter will be living in but make sure YOU are tge only one on the Title.
That way if things don't work out. It won't be you being sent to a Nursing Home since you own the house.
This way once yiur gone, the home can be sold and divided between the two daughters.
Prole mean well but it's hard to live with people and you don't want someone else deciding that as you age that they don't think they can manage or have time for the care they think you need tgen end up putting you in an old folks home.
Keep in control of your home, money, ect to be safe.
Placing your home into an irrevocable Trust, is usually the safe option. Please consult with an attorney to learn more. An irrevocable trust with both children as Beneficiaries, protects everyone, if Medicaid or LTC is needed. Since that Trust is legally considered a separate person.
As others said, you should be buying what you and your husband want (or renting.) NO gifting of any kind should be considered at this point. None of us know what the future holds in store for us, and if either or both of you need any kind of LTC, you will need those funds. If only one needs care and income is low enough, Medicaid could be an option, and they won't take the spouse's income or house. In this proposed situation, it may be a problem with Medicaid. You might want to consult with EC attorneys and ask all these kind of questions (may get free initial consult, so try a few.)
Plenty of hairy scenarios (real life!) presented by others in the comments. While no one ever thinks this can happen to them, we have to consider the downsides. If she gets divorced, has kids, injured, fed up with you (or you with her), has to move due to employment, whatever - there are so many things that could happen or go wrong, and then your funds are tied up, if not lost.
Certainly if you decide to go ahead with this plan, you should ensure your names are on the deed. You would also want some legal paperwork stipulating who owns what %age. If you both pay the same to buy it, it should be 50-50 (or 25x4 if there are 2 spouses involved.) If there's a mortgage and she/they find they can't manage the payments, then what? If you or they decide it isn't working, can they afford to pay your share (with appreciation in value)? Then where do you go? If you both pass on and leave your share (or portion of it) to the other child, would she be able to come up with that share plus appreciation?
If you really want to sell your house (assumption is it is large, don't need all that space), put the funds in a trust and rent for a year. Think long and hard about committing to this kind of arrangement. Sounds great, but once implemented, it may not be all roses and sunshine as expected! If there's any way to cohabit for a good period of time, it might lend some eye opening, but it likely won't be long enough to know for sure how things will shake out. If you have a working crystal ball, use it!!
Find a new home for yourselves, but I would suggest keeping your kids out of the arrangement. Keep your autonomy as long as possible.
If one daughter has been more helpful to you, maybe move closer to her. But I agree with others that it is better to avoid getting your finances entangled with either of your kids.
Your kids need to look after their own financial stability. Look after yours. If there is anything left from the proceeds after the sale of your property, stash it in a bank account.
Imho, I would not confound the issue of your estate by buying a home with one adult child. Keep that entirely separate as you may need the proceeds of your home for self care at some point.
It depends on your situation. You may not know the unforeseen. What if it depends on your daughter's job, and what may happen should she become unemployed? Without substantial funds to draw from, home buying can be risky. Does it take two incomes to buy and maintain this home? Will you and your daughter get along with living together during this ownership? Think very carefully with professional help prior to purchasing. Remember, a home is not like an ATM where you can get funds from should care be necessary. A home is illiquid until sold, then moving is required, to where??
If you want your own place, do that first. You may be able to find a condo or something that provides for maintenance (if that is a consideration), and it will help you and your family maintain some degree of independence.
Is the house buying child wanting you to just move in with her or help her buy a house? If she wants help in buying a house, you could put half the sale of your home toward the new one and save the other half. Or, does the other child even care what you do w/the money. May not now, but can create sibling problems later on.
By gifting money from sale of your home, you are probably creating problems for you and your husband should you need Medicaid assistance later on for yourselves. Not to mention, if you don't use your house sale money toward another home, you will probably be paying tax on the capital gains.
You might want to talk with an atty before making a major purchase with one child.
Do NOT cut yourself out of your home proceeds; do not buy a house with one child. That is an inheritance nightmare already. Leave both kids out of the sale until you have an idea of what you want your future to be. Then figure out a budget, and then make plans, keeping in mind that you may need a lot of money for AL or other expenses later. I wouldn't worry about being fair; I'd hesitate to give either child huge amounts of money right now.
I'm not totally clear based on your question as to what the actual situation is and to a large degree some of those details would make a difference to me so I can only offer a place to start. Selling your home and moving shouldn’t be contingent on what’s fair to your children or not, it’s a decision that should be based on what is wisest and best for you (and DH?) now and for the future. The same goes for what you do after selling if that’s your decision, the financial arrangement for whatever you decide is the best move for you should be handled just that way, as a financial arrangement which means involving your own attorney one that is just yours and can handle your wish to treat your children equally. This should take some of the pressure and onus off of you when it comes to keeping your ducks in order so to speak, keeping emotions out of it as much as possible.
All of that said, my first basic suggestion however is to have a family meeting before acting on or even considering any ideas, suggestions. Get bot or all of your children, your husband and yourself together and discuss the thought of selling your home and moving closer to one of them, the reasons your considering it, the desire to prepare for any care needs you may have in the future and set yourselves up for all the possibilities, You are doing your children a huge favor by making these decisions and preparing everything now so all they have to do is carry out your wishes if need be as well as yourselves and giving them equal voice in the planning both sets the tone for your plan of equality in the end as well as may very well help the right plan become more clear. My mom made all three of us POA/MPOA but my brothers asked that I be named first and take responsibility for major medical decisions, I agreed and my youngest brother and I asked that the middle brother be first or managing POA for financial stuff since he lives closest and was already most involved with that stuff. Mom didn’t have to make any decision on that we made those requests right there in the room with all present including the attorney. While I don’t think it mattered for us, the outcome would have been the same, I do think that all of us being given equal voice together up front made a big difference in our reactions and ability to quickly formulate the best set up for us and Mom, ultimately of course it was her decision it just went easier.
There are all kinds of ways to accomplish what you want to here and it will depend on what you decide is best for YOUR future but including everyone in that process may help you accomplish what you want. That and keeping the financial part business rather than emotional, legal and fair.
You say you want to own your own home so do that. Of course pooling money would allow a bigger home but so many complicated things to consider and potential conflicts- -would it feel like yours or like you were guests-would you share the kitchen, living spaces -sharing bills and taxes -what happens if you need to move to a care facility -how will living togetherness affect your relationship-and with other child
I see this as a situation that seems easy but would turn very complicated
Use a Ladybird deed if allowed where you live and put both adult children on your home and as long as you are alive you still can do whatever you want sale etc. the new place you move to I am referring to.
I know people who downsized to rental apartments or condos after selling their home. It's more flexible. If you want your own home, and are capable of living independently, this might be a better option than living with your daughter. You are making her life less complicated if you are moving close to her where it will be easier for her to visit you.
I would let them build the home and you pay rent. That way, all your money is not invested in one child's home. My brother pulled this crap and then kicked my mom out. Nothing she could do as her name wasn't on the title.
Just say NO ! It sounds perfect now but we all know that nothing is perfect. For now, stay in your own home for at least a year. Then decide if you want to move. A senior apartment complex might be a good choice. You will have more social interaction with others instead of just being with your daughter all the time.
Suppose you sell your current house for 1000 dollars (yes I know, but it makes the sums easy!).
You and daughter then buy a house for 2000 dollars, which you own equally. You own 1000 of it, she contributes the other 1000.
In your will, you leave your equity in the house 50:50 to your two children. Your daughter then has the option of paying her sibling 500 dollars and owning the house outright, or of selling the house and collecting her 50% of your equity.
So all in all...
If you and your daughter have FULLY thought through living together in a multi-generational household...
And you actively like that idea, and you have agreed a workable contingency plan covering foreseeable developments such as old age, redundancy, pregnancy, illness, disability, dementia, etc etc etc...
Then go right ahead. Your wish to bequeath your eventual estate equally to your two children needn't stop you, if that's the only drawback.
1) if things don't work out, will daughter be able to afford giving back the investment? You don't want to end up like Auntie Sue in another comment. 2) given that generally the 'investment' in a home appreciates over time, the payout to either #1 OR how much the daughter would have to fork over to the sibling will likely be much more than the 500.
As others noted, you wouldn't want to "gift" either at this point. Even if the arrangement works out in the near term, if either mom and/or dad have to move to a facility, despite all efforts and plans, the funds likely won't be available.
Uncle Joe died. Auntie Sue had a beautiful condo, but her younger son and his wife convinced her to sell the condo to provide his family with the downpayment on a house with a granny suite. Auntie Sue did this before Uncle Joe had been dead very long.
The house was bought, it was put in her son's and his wife's name. Within a few years, the son and his wife separated, the house was sold, the son and his wife split the proceeds and Auntie Sue had nothing. She had to move, had no money for a new condo and with her limited pensions, she lived out her days in a small 2 bedroom apartment with one of her daughters.
Here in Canada, we do not have Medicaid look back, but it still is not a good idea to put funds into a home that you do not fully own.
You want your own home. Do that. Do not let your daughter convince you that buying her a home is a good plan for anyone but her.
Imagine living with her if you already feel pressured to live with her when you really want your own place. You would be miserable.
Worry about your will and your own care. If there is anything left after you both die then your adult children will get it, but do not give away any of your money now. I promise you it will not buy you anything from them and you don't really want to make them feel obligated.
My in laws are STILL shoring up my BIL, who is over 50, and the one time, many years ago, we asked for help, they said "no". I was a bit shocked, but my husband was deeply hurt.... be careful.
The family I married into is full of entitled people like your BIL. I come from a family growing up where you make your own way, so I'd never met so many people with their hand out until I met spouse's family. Always looking for their next source of cash. Living off other people. Getting upset when estates are not settled fast enough - they need "their" money after all. A lot of it was stuff people thought no one else knew about... but the stories sure got told among the family. It's scary to hear someone who has mooched thousands complaining about someone else having done the exact same thing. I can only think of one monetary gift many years ago that was actually transparent in nature and was equitably divided. Aside from that one time, thousands have been "loaned" or otherwise passed around - but not to us. In fact, I was asked to chip in to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars to release a lien on one of their homes. Why would they think I'd have that much? And to be able to throw that much away would be a different story completely.
Aside from possible long range financial issues--consider the immediate pain you may cause the child for whom you are not buying a home.
That smacks of favoritism and is never, ever a good plan. The lack of 'fair' is probably one of the biggest problems this board sees.
My mother has financially shored up several of my sibs (and even told me about it) and never so much as gave us a cent towards anything. Is that fair? Absolutely not.
We have 5 kids and what we do for one, we do for ALL.
As above, this is not about "fair". This is about using your resources wisely to fund the care you will need as you age.
If you house is your only asset and unless you have a huge pension and a six figure retirement fund, you need to consider that you might need Medicaid to fund nursing home or Memory Care in 5 years.
That costs 10-12K per MONTH. So, ballpark 100-150K per year.
My mom was in a NH, private pay, for 4 1/2 years. She had a good pension from my dad and a large portfolio. If she hadn't fallen when she had, she would have lived for another year and been on Medicaid.
Do NOT buy a house with your child; do NOT comingle funds with either of your children. Consult a certified Eldercare attorney in your state who is familiar with Medicaid.
Good thoughts, BarbBrooklyn. My mom also has a great pension and really good 'ahem, portfolio from my dad, which she's been living on since she was 62. Up until a few years ago, I always saw my future as being financially sound, based upon the assumption of sharing with my sisters the value of mom's house and her financial resources. Well, mom's 93 now, and seems to be holding on strong. I'm looking at the nightmare of expense of my aging. You're so right about the potential monstrous costs of care; I think your post was very well-said and helpful.
Fair has nothing to do with this. It is DANGEROUS. If you put money into a home for a child, and you plan on living in it in exchange for that, the money you spend on the home will be considered a gift. You will have no funds left and should you need placement and medicaid the money you put in this home could be considered a gift, and you would not qualify for help. What you are planning is something with which you need good solid informed information that is up on the legalities in your state. This means before you begin signing on ANY dotted line you need to see a LAWYER and find out all the legal repercussions. BE VERY CAREFUL. You could end destitute and without help. If you invest in a home you should do so in your own name. Who you leave things to after you are gone is, again, the work of a lawyer and a will. If you buy a new home and wish to allow your family to live with you that is up to you. If you need care you can arrange a contract to pay for that care, again with a lawyer.
gladimhere, I would think OP is even considering it is because her daughter has put mom into an extremely awkward position by even asking, and OP feels she 'can't' say no?
No, it is not fair. As you age, and need care do you have resources to use to pay for that care? This sort of transaction would be considered a gift to that child. If that happened within five years you would not be eligible for Medicaid.
Definitely see an elder law attorney for advice before considering this further. Your primary interest should be your own welfare and that you will have resources to pay for your care.
I’m a step-parent of 35 years...I never had children of my own as my 1st husband was MIA in Vietnam then declared KIA. i married a widower with 4 children, 2 with neurological difficulties. only the 2 off-spring with disabilities lived near us. One died. The other is still paranoid etc. other two children are very successful in their careers and have successful children. after 35 years of marriage all I hear from the step kids is how much money is due them when their father dies. mind you, we have helped all of these kids...they are just takers. my husband is 88...dementia and his kid that is paranoid asks for money all of the time. it makes my husband feel good to be able to play the traditional roll of father knows best..by financially giving this kid (63yr old w/full time job) money. all I hear is how the kids expect to get “their share” of money inherited from their father. 35 years of marriage...and they think “our/his” estate should go to them. where is it written that children should get the estate of a parent? Why is it that people think it’s the job of tax payers to pay for long term care if elderly citizens? I don’t get it,
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Thints hapoen even wuth good intentions.
If you do sale your home, only put in half the money towards the new house with your daughter and out the other half in the bank that can be left for your other dsughter once you're dead.
Or, sale your home and purchase the other home that your daughter will be living in but make sure YOU are tge only one on the Title.
That way if things don't work out. It won't be you being sent to a Nursing Home since you own the house.
This way once yiur gone, the home can be sold and divided between the two daughters.
Prole mean well but it's hard to live with people and you don't want someone else deciding that as you age that they don't think they can manage or have time for the care they think you need tgen end up putting you in an old folks home.
Keep in control of your home, money, ect to be safe.
Plenty of hairy scenarios (real life!) presented by others in the comments. While no one ever thinks this can happen to them, we have to consider the downsides. If she gets divorced, has kids, injured, fed up with you (or you with her), has to move due to employment, whatever - there are so many things that could happen or go wrong, and then your funds are tied up, if not lost.
Certainly if you decide to go ahead with this plan, you should ensure your names are on the deed. You would also want some legal paperwork stipulating who owns what %age. If you both pay the same to buy it, it should be 50-50 (or 25x4 if there are 2 spouses involved.) If there's a mortgage and she/they find they can't manage the payments, then what? If you or they decide it isn't working, can they afford to pay your share (with appreciation in value)? Then where do you go? If you both pass on and leave your share (or portion of it) to the other child, would she be able to come up with that share plus appreciation?
If you really want to sell your house (assumption is it is large, don't need all that space), put the funds in a trust and rent for a year. Think long and hard about committing to this kind of arrangement. Sounds great, but once implemented, it may not be all roses and sunshine as expected! If there's any way to cohabit for a good period of time, it might lend some eye opening, but it likely won't be long enough to know for sure how things will shake out. If you have a working crystal ball, use it!!
If one daughter has been more helpful to you, maybe move closer to her. But I agree with others that it is better to avoid getting your finances entangled with either of your kids.
Your kids need to look after their own financial stability. Look after yours. If there is anything left from the proceeds after the sale of your property, stash it in a bank account.
D
By gifting money from sale of your home, you are probably creating problems for you and your husband should you need Medicaid assistance later on for yourselves. Not to mention, if you don't use your house sale money toward another home, you will probably be paying tax on the capital gains.
You might want to talk with an atty before making a major purchase with one child.
All of that said, my first basic suggestion however is to have a family meeting before acting on or even considering any ideas, suggestions. Get bot or all of your children, your husband and yourself together and discuss the thought of selling your home and moving closer to one of them, the reasons your considering it, the desire to prepare for any care needs you may have in the future and set yourselves up for all the possibilities, You are doing your children a huge favor by making these decisions and preparing everything now so all they have to do is carry out your wishes if need be as well as yourselves and giving them equal voice in the planning both sets the tone for your plan of equality in the end as well as may very well help the right plan become more clear. My mom made all three of us POA/MPOA but my brothers asked that I be named first and take responsibility for major medical decisions, I agreed and my youngest brother and I asked that the middle brother be first or managing POA for financial stuff since he lives closest and was already most involved with that stuff. Mom didn’t have to make any decision on that we made those requests right there in the room with all present including the attorney. While I don’t think it mattered for us, the outcome would have been the same, I do think that all of us being given equal voice together up front made a big difference in our reactions and ability to quickly formulate the best set up for us and Mom, ultimately of course it was her decision it just went easier.
There are all kinds of ways to accomplish what you want to here and it will depend on what you decide is best for YOUR future but including everyone in that process may help you accomplish what you want. That and keeping the financial part business rather than emotional, legal and fair.
-would it feel like yours or like you were guests-would you share the kitchen, living spaces
-sharing bills and taxes
-what happens if you need to move to a care facility
-how will living togetherness affect your relationship-and with other child
I see this as a situation that seems easy but would turn very complicated
Suppose you sell your current house for 1000 dollars (yes I know, but it makes the sums easy!).
You and daughter then buy a house for 2000 dollars, which you own equally. You own 1000 of it, she contributes the other 1000.
In your will, you leave your equity in the house 50:50 to your two children. Your daughter then has the option of paying her sibling 500 dollars and owning the house outright, or of selling the house and collecting her 50% of your equity.
So all in all...
If you and your daughter have FULLY thought through living together in a multi-generational household...
And you actively like that idea, and you have agreed a workable contingency plan covering foreseeable developments such as old age, redundancy, pregnancy, illness, disability, dementia, etc etc etc...
Then go right ahead. Your wish to bequeath your eventual estate equally to your two children needn't stop you, if that's the only drawback.
1) if things don't work out, will daughter be able to afford giving back the investment? You don't want to end up like Auntie Sue in another comment.
2) given that generally the 'investment' in a home appreciates over time, the payout to either #1 OR how much the daughter would have to fork over to the sibling will likely be much more than the 500.
As others noted, you wouldn't want to "gift" either at this point. Even if the arrangement works out in the near term, if either mom and/or dad have to move to a facility, despite all efforts and plans, the funds likely won't be available.
Uncle Joe died. Auntie Sue had a beautiful condo, but her younger son and his wife convinced her to sell the condo to provide his family with the downpayment on a house with a granny suite. Auntie Sue did this before Uncle Joe had been dead very long.
The house was bought, it was put in her son's and his wife's name. Within a few years, the son and his wife separated, the house was sold, the son and his wife split the proceeds and Auntie Sue had nothing. She had to move, had no money for a new condo and with her limited pensions, she lived out her days in a small 2 bedroom apartment with one of her daughters.
Here in Canada, we do not have Medicaid look back, but it still is not a good idea to put funds into a home that you do not fully own.
Imagine living with her if you already feel pressured to live with her when you really want your own place. You would be miserable.
Worry about your will and your own care. If there is anything left after you both die then your adult children will get it, but do not give away any of your money now. I promise you it will not buy you anything from them and you don't really want to make them feel obligated.
That smacks of favoritism and is never, ever a good plan. The lack of 'fair' is probably one of the biggest problems this board sees.
My mother has financially shored up several of my sibs (and even told me about it) and never so much as gave us a cent towards anything. Is that fair? Absolutely not.
We have 5 kids and what we do for one, we do for ALL.
If you house is your only asset and unless you have a huge pension and a six figure retirement fund, you need to consider that you might need Medicaid to fund nursing home or Memory Care in 5 years.
That costs 10-12K per MONTH. So, ballpark 100-150K per year.
My mom was in a NH, private pay, for 4 1/2 years. She had a good pension from my dad and a large portfolio. If she hadn't fallen when she had, she would have lived for another year and been on Medicaid.
Do NOT buy a house with your child; do NOT comingle funds with either of your children. Consult a certified Eldercare attorney in your state who is familiar with Medicaid.
You want to live in your own home. Why are you even considering buying a home with or living with either child?
Definitely see an elder law attorney for advice before considering this further. Your primary interest should be your own welfare and that you will have resources to pay for your care.
i married a widower with 4 children, 2 with neurological difficulties.
only the 2 off-spring with disabilities lived near us. One died. The other is still paranoid etc. other two children are very successful in their careers and have successful children.
after 35 years of marriage all I hear from the step kids is how much money is due them when their father dies.
mind you, we have helped all of these kids...they are just takers.
my husband is 88...dementia and his kid that is paranoid asks for money all of the time.
it makes my husband feel good to be able to play the traditional roll of father knows best..by financially giving this kid (63yr old w/full time job) money.
all I hear is how the kids expect to get “their share” of money inherited from their father. 35 years of marriage...and they think “our/his” estate should go to them.
where is it written that children should get the estate of a parent? Why is it that people think it’s the job of tax payers to pay for long term care if elderly citizens? I don’t get it,