Ever since she came back from the hospital she needs more care than before. She had lung cancer surgery. Plus the day after surgery she had internal bleeding which she almost died from. They called me 2 in the morning from the hospital saying she is bleeding and come to the hospital. She also has high blood pressure and blood sugar. She does walk but after a few min she will get tired and breathless. I don’t mind taking care of her but she drives me crazy. She insists on driving and doing things she did before the surgery. I have offered to be her driver wherever she wants to go. She still insists on shopping at places like costco and we are only two people. I do all the shopping but she will complain and nitpick about things I bought and these are the things she specifically asked for. She doesn’t want to accept that she is older and can’t do the things she once could. I am at the end of my rope. I really want to leave and have my own life, but I don’t think she can survive on her own and do feel guilty. But I also have to think of myself. She absolutely drives me up the wall. Today she asked for a specific type of meat and I have bought that meat before from the same market but today she said this is not the same meat and it’s cut big and ....go and return the meat to the market. Is it selfish of me want my own life and leave? I can’t believe that a person almost dies and still thinks about what store has a sale on beans or whatever... she sits there and studies the weekly specials on different stores. Than asks me to drive her to the different stores. She is obsessed with shopping. She buys things in big bulk and wastes. I can not get through to her.
So she lives in Memory Care AL since 2014, and I take care of and manage her entire life for her from 4 miles away. It works out much better that way for both of us b/c there's no fighting, no yelling, no histrionics to suffer, no nothing. When she gets me aggravated over the phone, I can say goodnight. When I'm visiting and she goes off on a rampage, I can leave. She has her space, I have mine. And never the twain shall meet.
Look into Assisted Living for your mother if she cannot live alone in Independent Living. They have a mini bus to take her shopping & she can cut coupons to her heart's content all day long. When my mother was in the regular ALF section, she'd ride the mini bus to the stores & raise hell. She'd buy stuff and want to immediately bring it back. Or decide the clerk made a mistake on her bill and demand to be taken back for a $.50 discrepancy. Or she'd call the manufacturer of Oil of Olay *not kidding* and say there was something 'off' about the cream she bought so they'd send her a coupon for a free jar. On and on the histrionics went, but without me being of a part of it! YAY!
See what you can do about getting mom her own place and don't feel guilty about it. You both deserve your own space, your own lives and your own likes and dislikes. It's allowable. We only go around once. Make sure every day counts!
She keeps saying when I am better I will drive myself and go shopping. She does not want to accept that this is not going to get better. Maybe a day or two but she has very high blood pressure. She loses her balance sometimes when walking. Her reflexes are slow her hearing is bad and eye sight is bad. She doesn’t care still wants to drive.
So I need to make a decision here. Do I just leave and leave her to do what she wants? I feel like this is the calm before the storm and her condition will get worse. Cancer can come back in different organs. But I want a calm a serine life away from all that drama.
She keeps saying when I am better I will drive myself and go shopping. She does not want to accept that this is not going to get better. Maybe a day or two but she has very high blood pressure. She loses her balance sometimes when walking. Her reflexes are slow her hearing is bad and eye sight is bad. She doesn’t care still wants to drive.
So I need to make a decision here. Do I just leave and leave her to do what she wants? I feel like this is the calm before the storm and her condition will get worse. Cancer can come back in different organs. But I want a calm a serine life away from all that drama.
Setting boundaries, learning to say no has helped. Realizing that no matter what I do for her she will not be happy, and realizing that I am to blame for everything that doesn't go her way has helped me have some peace.
Try to do something you enjoy regularly. Take time away from her if you can to relax and regroup. It has helped me.
Be there for your mother, please.
Perhaps give her a pen/pad and tell her to write a grocery list when the ads come in. Grocery ads on one page and large bulk store items on another. You review the list to let her know we still have a large box of XXX.
As for having cancer, talk to her about going into public places and covid. Too many people still not wearing masks and she could catch something. Do her grocery order online and go pick it up. Let her ride along to get out of the house. Tell her you don't want her going out and coming back into the house with you there because she could bring covid in to you. If you get sick, she could end up on her own.
Ask dr for some in home services like physical/occupational therapy plus visiting nurse to check on her. It's very helpful because they can do bloodwork and other labs for her doctor without having to sit in a waiting room. Might give her a little company to break up her day some.
Do you think I haven’t told her about covid? I have offered her to drive her anywhere she likes and if she wants to shop on her own I left her in the store and waited in the parking lot until she was finished.
At this point it’s Not about how to reason with her because it’s hopeless. You can’t.
its about me and how I can live the rest of my life in peace.
Anyone that tells you to ignore it is clueless as to how difficult it is to be in your shoes. You have been through a lot.
It’s a tough job. Too much togetherness causes stress and frustration!
You aren’t selfish at all. It is absolutely normal to want your own life.
Your needs and desires are equally as important to hers.
I hate wasting food too. I can’t shop in bulk because we don’t eat that much. We don’t have an additional freezer for storage.
Your mom sounds very much like my mom, very set in her ways.
It would be nice if your mom was willing to compromise with you.
My mom didn’t compromise with me either and this behavior will drive a person crazy. I understand how you feel.
Find a suitable facility for her to live and visit her as her daughter. The weight of the world will leave your shoulders when your caregiver days are over.
Please don’t feel guilty. You deserve to live your own life. She will adjust to her new surroundings.
We are here to listen to your concerns, will try to answer any questions and are happy to offer comfort and support.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
She will not agree to a facility. She is way to stubborn.
Caregiving has to work for both parties. It’s not a master/servant relationship!
You get to live right now, with your mother. How blessed you are.
No one said it was easy.
We overlook the little things. Be thankful for the good things.
Right now, your love between you and your mother is all that should matter. Look over what she says or does.
Trust me, your time with your mother is priceless.
May I make a suggestion to you about dealing with the frustration of friends and family that do not empathize with your situation?
Tell them it is impossible to ignore day after day.
It’s easy to put up with annoying relatives that we only have to see a couple of times a year at holiday gatherings, and perhaps a wedding or funeral.
Many of us have that ‘obnoxious’ person in our families.
It’s a whole new ball game to live with a person day in and day out. It becomes suffocating when they make our lives miserable. We can develop anxiety and depression while caregiving in a stressful situation.
So the next time they criticize you, ask them to come and take care of your mom for a month so you can take a well deserved break. Then they will get a taste of reality! They would sing a different tune if they were walking in your shoes.
I guarantee that none of them will volunteer to stay with your mom but it may stifle their ridiculous comments for awhile.
If they aren’t willing to care for your mom, then they have no right to criticize you for being frustrated.
It truly is emotionally and physically exhausting to be a caregiver.
I completely get what you're feeling. Caregiving is beyond HARD and it's made even harder when the person you're caring for is stubborn.
I 100% have fantasies about just running away from it all. I think about escaping, and I get angry that I didn't move away like my siblings did as they now get to continue living their life without the stress I'm feeling every day.
And then as quickly as those feelings come, the feelings of guilt for FEELING them comes. I should want to take care and help my parents. Ugh..... it's a vicious cycle.
I just hope you know you're not alone and I think it's good to have boundaries - easier said than done.
Thinking of you!
I completely get what you're feeling. Caregiving is beyond HARD and it's made even harder when the person you're caring for is stubborn.
I 100% have fantasies about just running away from it all. I think about escaping, and I get angry that I didn't move away like my siblings did as they now get to continue living their life without the stress I'm feeling every day.
And then as quickly as those feelings come, the feelings of guilt for FEELING them comes. I should want to take care of and help my parents. Ugh..... it's a vicious cycle.
I just hope you know you're not alone and I think it's good to have boundaries - easier said than done.
Thinking of you!
Ahhh, yes. It’s a very common experience for caregivers.
Been there, done it too! My caregiver days are over now but it nearly killed me being a caregiver.
I am so sorry that you are struggling in your situation. Sending a bazillion hugs your way.
When we were packing up the house to move my grandmother to her niece's house, my 90-pound grandmother was all wound up about the cut of meat her niece bought at the store because it isn't what she would have bought. Her niece had very little money and naturally bought cheaper cuts, and my grandmother could afford a better piece. Whatever. We apologized for the oversight, said we'd take care of it, and cooked the original piece for dinner. She was none the wiser, but she felt better because she'd been getting pushed around having to clean out a lifetime of possessions and THIS was something she could be in charge of.
Just keep in mind that your mom is dying. No one can force you to take care of her, but I'll bet her time on earth is pretty short. No one's life goes exactly the way they want, and sometimes we put our lives on hold for the sake of another. Pick your battles, and fussing about shopping isn't worth a battle in my opinion. Try to see things from her not-so-logical point of view. She just wants to be in control of SOMETHING. Let her have that control.
Thank you for your response. I have a question . Have you been a caretaker or have you been in a situation where you had to take care of someone elderly in your family for years? Did you have the pleasure of taking care of your 90 pound grandmother or was your niece the lucky person and you just helped with the packing?
If your answer is no than you have no Idea what I am talking about and all this may sound silly to you.