Hi, I'm having difficulty dealing with my mother, to the point where I feel like leaving her behind.
Most conversations are "normal" with her. But at times, I can see non-verbal cues that she is agitated, while her voice increases. During these moments, she tends to become reactive, opiniated, or full blown confrontational. Yet the subject of the conversation is unrelated to an actual issue. But she'll tend to make it one.
Moreover, she is having more outbursts over time for minor things. For example, I added midgrade (octane) fuel instead of regular fuel in the car the other day. She panicked and told me not to do that, because of the incredibly high prices and that the engine would probably get damaged. She came outside the car, pointing at me, and loosing her sh*t.
Her outburts and childish behavior tend to be about a decision I took, or a preference I have. Sometimes she'll defend her position for the smallest thing, as if her reputation was on the line.
Sometimes her behavior will be a bit strange. When she's by herself, I can hear some strange sounds, a bit like repetitive, low-level sounds she makes with her mouth. When I ask her what's up with that, she says she's singing.
When an argument arises from her behavior, sometime she'll just say "stop, stop, stop", as if we could just pause everything and continue as if nothing happened.
Her memory is pretty incredible, yet she'll keep telling me the same story many times in the course of a few weeks. Otherwise, I don't notice any issues with motor skills, routine tasks, even driving. So I doubt it's dementia. What's going on?
What makes this difficult for me is that her IQ appear normal. We have many intelligent conversations. I did notice anxiety when I try to explain complex concepts, but my assessment is very subjective.
I don't know what to do and will soon start moving away and reduce our communication to a minimum. Any help welcome.
Thank you for your reply. Absolutely. There's no doubt I'm being judgmental in my assessment. Whatever the outcome, I think it's time for me to move away. She might be happier after this.
Does she have any mental health issues?
Does she regularly see her PCP? If so, you could get a confidential note to them to ask for an eval about these issues. My mom was behaving oddly and still could do a home memory test just fine, so I don't put a lot of stock in those tests. They unfortunately don't look at enough issues. My mom could not plan, figure out anything beyond the simplest things, repeated so much I thought I'd lose my mind, etc.
I'm assuming these behaviors are new for her and not just part of her personality. I'd assume she's got something medically or mentally going on (dementia and depression often have some similar symptoms) and cut her some slack and help her get evaluated.
Thank you for your reply. I don't think she sees her doctor more than once a year. I guess there's nothing wrong exploring what you mentioned. An MD could find out that there is something going on, or not. Knowing she's ok would be nice too. I'm sure I'm part of the problem, but I don't know how much.
You of course are not under any obligation to become her manager or caregiver, but if you have had a decent relationship with her, and there is no one else willing/able, it would be merciful to help her through to a diagnosis because whatever is impacting her behavior seems to be making her less able to find her way through it. My cousin was just diagnosed with ALZ at 68 and it's progressing really fast but she was on thyroid meds and that had to be sorted out first.
I hope you receive answers and much peace in your heart as you both work through what's going on.