Is this all there is to life?

Hi which country do you live in

Dear Ana, welcome back!

We all think about you and care about your wellbeing around here, honestly.

Very glad that you are feeling better about yourself and about your circumstances in general. This has all been gained by just shining some light on YOU; before all the light was on your family, which is not a bad thing, except that we all need balance. In any situation where we completely nullify ourselves and our feelings -and we FEEL like that: null- we become absolutely out of balance; our life becomes out of balance, and that leads to unhappiness, insecurity, even illness!

You were very much out of balance Ana, and still there is some out of balance problems, and I say this not to bring shadow over your happiness, but to lovingly remind you that there is still work to do and things to be aware of, for example, I think it is critical that you keep going to the therapist because even if you feel it is a waste of time, it is a golden opportunity for you to talk things through and get advice from an adult. Here we all are willing to give you our opinions and help you as much as we can with our words, but in your situation it is very important to have the presence and actual help from an adult, so don’t stop going, and I encourage you to talk to your therapist about the ‘serious’ things, as that is the only way you will actually take advantage of each session. Glad you said you’re opening up as that is the idea!

Another I guess kind of motherly advice I would like to give you is to remember that when we have been lacking love, support, protection and attention, like you have (and many of us have), it is easy to become and feel close to people very quickly. Remember that real friendship takes time and should even go through some ups and downs to have the opportunity to see how solid and reliable is the friendship others offer; and same applies to your boyfriend..can I call him that? you didn’t, but I am! 😉
I think you’re a very bright and mature young lady, I said that from the beginning when I read your first post, therefore I think you know to keep all these aspects in mind, yet a reminder is never too much, I hope.😊

Finally and all not-asked-for advice aside, I am very happy that you’re experiencing some of what a normal life feels like Ana! It was long overdue. I know you probably feel like a fish that was kept out of water for a long time which is finally catching some air! so, breathe Ana, breathe, just be careful, be mindful, be aware; remember that unfortunately you have to take care of yourself, although not so much ‘unfortunately’ really, because through all you have experienced life has prepared you to be strong yet sweet, you’re better prepared than most teenagers for your future, which I hope and pray is as bright as you deserve!

I know God is watching over you Ana, and also over your family. And don’t worry about the house falling apart, sometimes in life things have to reach bottom to start looking up. May God bless you and continue guiding and protecting you!

A hug! :)

Ana, I'm so glad you are doing well! You've got so much more to your life now than I did at your age. You are so right that you had taken on responsibility that was not yours, and your parents should not have put you in that position. I'm proud of you for letting the house go. I had plenty of battles with my mthr when I was a teen since she refused to clean up after herself. She was abusive in many ways. I know it's hard to stand up and say no but apparently you are doing just that. That's an admirable quality. I wish I'd had someone to talk to back then. Keep your therapist around - you never know when you might really need to let go to a safe person!

Hi ana. I was very happy to see that you posted. Ive thought about you and hoped everything was good with you. Im so glad that your being a teenager! Finally! Its the little things that make us happy and you deserve so much happiness. It must be nice working and having your own money too. I worked all through highschool. And work ethic is so important. Try to enjoy your family. Family is so important. You know that though. Well again im so proud and happy for you. Keep doing what your doing. Take care and be safe. Oh and write soon. Deb

OF COURSE WE CARE!!! 💖  

It is so good to hear that you have gotten a job and met some people who are good friends. I started crying tears of JOY when I read that you “went to a school dance with my friend Jessica and her friends, and honestly one of the best nights of my life. We had tons of fun dancing and it was just amazing.”  And that you “feel like in the past few months I've been a better teenager than I have in my few years.”  

It is okay if you don’t talk about “serious” subjects with your therapist  every time. The important thing is that you are starting to open up more to your therapist  and that you are growing as a person.

Good for you for “choosing your battles”. You needed to set boundaries with your family and it sounds like that is what you are doing. You “sound” stronger and more confident than you have in the past. Keep up the good work and have some fun with your friends. 🙌

Thanks for updating us. {{{HUGS}}}

It's been a quite a while to say the very least. A lot has happened, I have grown a lot in the last few months, and to be honest I'm not even sure if anybody cares that I'm updating, but here we are.

So, I got a job at taco bell, and I've been working there since October and it's honestly a really good thing in my life most days. I've made a few friends there, all I hold really close and dear to my heart. I have actual friends, and it's so - ugh words are not coming to me right now. It's pretty great. I went to a school dance with my friend Jessica and her friends, and honestly one of the best nights of my life. We had tons of fun dancing and it was just amazing. I'm also sorta in a relationship with someone? It's not like serious or anything, but yeah.

Things with my therapist seem to be going well right now, though we haven't really talked about anything too serious, and sometimes I feel like I'm wasting both of our time, because I feel like my problems are not serious enough for therapy, or I'm just complaining, or whatever. She said it's okay, and I'm doing good for therapy. I have noticed though I did start opening up more to her, she said she also noticed that too, which is something I was terrified of doing.

One change that I'm not super proud of, but trying to accept is that I've grown away from my family. I've stopped caring about the house as much, I've just stopped. It has pretty much fell apart, but I'm trying to not let that be my problem, it never was to begin with I should have not picked it up, most importantly my parents should not have let me. But they did, so this is me handing it back to them. I'll be seventeen in a few months, and I feel like in the past few months I've been a better teenager than I have in my few years. It's something I've wanted for for so long, to have these feelings. - Now that I'm finally feeling them, it's weird and unusual and I feel so abnormal. But I'm happy I am.

I won't say that things are magically better, or that I'm suddenly not carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders, but I will say that I can actually see a future for myself, involving myself and actually living. - and I'm excited.

I hope you all had happy holidays and a good new years, I hope life is treating you well and your being patient with yourself.

Until next time, (and hopefully sooner lol)
Ana

Go Ana! Brilliant stuff.

Especially - yes, things have really and truly sucked before now, haven't they! The crucial decision you've made is that that's enough, no more. Glad the sky didn't fall in because you said no a couple of times :)

The must be really good for your Dad to see too, no? Hope the new c/g works out well.

Awesome news, Ana! Sounds like you are making good progress. Counseling does help. It's good to have someone to talk to in person about everything that understands and can give you some good suggestions - a place where YOUR feelings can be heard.

Keep at it with school. It sounds like you are doing well at keeping in contact with your teachers and guidance counselor. They can help you stay on track with what you need to get caught up. Spring will be here before you know it! :) Next year will be what, senior year??

I'm really proud of you. You've come so far in these past few months. Keep us updated on how you're doing.

Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving week too!

Good for you ana. Its sounds like your whole attitude is changing. Thats so good to hear. And school will get better too. Once everything starts going your way i think school will just come naturally. Hopefully the caregiver works out for you. How is your dad doing? Health wise i mean. Any improvements there? I sure hope so. And your brother and sister are they doing ok? Well thanks for thinking of us. I think of you and pray that you and your family are safe. Take care and keep in touch. Deb

Ana, I'm so proud of you!! The response from your therapist is exactly what I would hope she would say. They *get it* about sucky people. I am so glad you hit it off well with her.

You are doing an amazing job setting boundaries too. Listen - I offer small jobs to people I know who are looking for some extra money. I'd much rather have them be honest with me if its inconvenient. I would be so unhappy if the person I hired really needed to be doing homework instead! You are doing the right thing. Way to go!

Woohoo an update for you!!

Sorry it's been a while, I've had a huge change in my schedule and I've been busy busy busy!

As you know, I got a job (another job bleh) and I love it. I've been working there for about a month now and I absolutely look forward to it everyday I go. The people are great and everything. I really like it.

I've also been considering getting rid of my babysitting job. I'm just holding onto it for a little longer, but really in consideration to finally give it up. It's hard because I love the lady and I adore her kids.

I'm not doing so well in school, (disappointed, but not surprised). However, I am doing well by staying in contact with my teachers and I've been talking with the advisory teacher and school counselor. So, go me!

Also, another thing that you'll all love to hear - I started counseling. Like actual counseling, with a therapist and everything. I had my first appt today, and we seem to be a good fit, she's super nice and really down to earth. She said that while she's very pushy and likes to get down to the core of things, she'll be patient with me.

I've also started using more boundaries. Like, I had this girl ask me to babysit, I told her I couldn't because of school, I've had my work as, me twice to stay overtime or come in early, DECLINED, and also even with my therapist - I told her I wasn't ready to talk to her about a certain subject yet. Guess what, I still have a job, I still get job offers from the lady who asked me to babysit, and I'm still in the counseling office. Literally nothing bad came from me saying no.

We also just hired a new caregiver and she starts tomorrow, hopefully she is a good fit though - she seems like it. So, that's exciting.

Other than that, nothing really new has happened. I've been keeping my head just barely above water. Which in the end, is enough. I've got this, I have had this, I just need to learn to be more patient with myself truthfully.

Anyways, how are all of you? I hope you're doing well,
Ana

I can HEAR the confidence in your voice.  You have grown SO MUCH these past months and WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!    Keep up the GOOD WORK!!!!
 
🙌 💖 😃 👍 👊 ❀ 🙆

Maybe it's some kind of sign or whatever, but I had something totally different written down - and because I left it overnight, my computer was restarted and it was lost. I'll admit, it wasn't the happiest update, I wasn't the happiest.

After a few hours of sleep, and then coming home from a church thing and taking a nap - I'm much better. Even more so, I can give a more "honest" update, and there is quite a lot to update on so, buckle down.

I never did go anywhere with "moving in with my mom" After some consideration, and reading your guys' reviews and thoughts on it - I figured it'd be best to just stick it out for a few more years, and not stir up any unnecessary drama. Plus it would be doing the same exact thing my mom did, leaving when things were too hard. That's the very thing I'm afraid of. So yeah, I decided to stay with my dad and siblings, try to look for the good, and deal with the bad.

School started, and I guess you could imagine how that is going - I'm not doing so well I'm 40 lessons behind and I have two F's in my classes. Granted, the F's are temporary...they are suppose to be an encouragement thing, however they only bring me down and discourage me - so I'm not sure if they are working lol . I also learned that I'm way behind on credits, so much so that the grade counselor wouldn't even tell me what year I was set to graduate (I'm suppose to graduate in 2020). Luckily we talked with my advisory teacher and the principal - I think we got it mostly sorted out. Sucky thing is, I have to add classes ontop of the seven I have already, I took the same math class twice and only one credit can go towards my math, the other is just a 1/2 credit. So that's sucky. I'm trying to just accept and push through it - but it doesn't seem nearly fair on my part. But what you gonna do?

I got my permit a few weeks ago!! I'm driving everywhere I can, and I can really taste freedom . I'm hoping to get my license close to when I can move out. I also decided to finally get the Subway job, I know alot of you advised me not to, but I really think it'll be good for me. It'll give me time out of the house, I can always do my school work there, may meet some people my age. Ect. Plus I'll need money to move out, right?

Which leads me to my next thing, I think my dad is finally accepting the fact I'll be moving to a bigger city in our state, it's roughly 5 hours away- for a long time he "banned me" from going, even though I would be 18. But he actually might be coming around.

Overall, I think I'm okay - in fact I KNOW I'm okay because I'm still alive, I'm still here. I'm currently 133 days clean of self harm, and a few days clean from binging. So, I think I'm doing alright for myself. Considering everything. And thank you all so much for checking up on me and stuff, I actually was feeling down and then I'd see a little message from someone on here, and they truly make me feel better, so thank you.

The other day I found a diary from when I was nearly twelve years old, and I have to say...I'm a little more depressed and everything, but I am so much more mature and grown. I'm proud of me, and that's not something I say lightly. I am truly proud of who I am, and where I have been.

Oh, also quickly - crockpots are a life saver and I might just dedicate my life savings on buying a billion!!!. Seriously, somebody once suggested doing meal prep, and since my dad & siblings hate leftovers, I just make a crockpot of something for the night and it's amazing, I don't have to get out of school and straight to the kitchen. Seriously, if you don't own a crockpot, get one!!

Okay, with this update, I'll leave you all...and until next time,
Ana

(Also, my mom got saved a few weeks ago, and I actually think she meant it this time?? I'll probably touch more on it in the next update)

How are you doing ana? Just thinking about you and how you are coping. You have wonderful people on here that truly care about your well being. Stay safe and strong. Deb

This part of what you wrote on September 10th tells me that things need to change for you are drowning and seriously trapped. Reach out to an adult beyond your family and tell them what you have written here. What you are living with is abuse, abuse of you.

"My mental health is so bad, I can't even think sometimes, I mean right now- I can't even sleep and I have work AND school in the morning. 

My physical health is disgusting. I gained too much weight because eating was the only comfort I had - food was the only friend I could have. Then, I stopped eating for control. I started lying so that I could feel something - even if that something was guilt and depression.

My social health, I can't even get started on that, I've noticed it has declined so much in the past few years. I don't know how I'm functioning.

I don't know what is about my dad, that is so toxic. He's a good guy. I just notice whenever he's around, whenever he's present my siblings and I are ALWAYS fighting. Somehow the house gets messy and disorganized. But when he's in the hospital for a few days or weeks, my siblings and I actually show love and act like siblings. The house stays moderately clean and the atmosphere isn't so heavy."

Hi Ana. Remember You are only 16 years young and thrust upon your shoulders is a great responsibility. Caring for Your Father with no Help or support is not fair on You, but We have all learned at some stage "Life isn't always fair". Do not worry too much about Your education right now as You will be able to further Your Education at a later stage. Right now Your Family need You. Remember the decisions You make right now will impact upon Your Life later on. Can You talk with Your local Pastor, Priest, or Nurse, or Police Officer and ask them for their advice. People are really very good and kind if You tell them Your circumstances and ask for Help.
Good Luck Ana. Keep in touch through this wonderful Site where People really do Care.

Dear Ana, how are you doing? Always keeping you in thoughts, and always hoping things become more manageable for you. Take care and hope all is ok!! :)

Hi dear Ana,

First of all, I want to share how good it is to know that you’re actually truly open to something key in life: Change! Until now I think you have been incredibly tired from all you go through daily, yet not at the point of being willing to change your circumstances, but now you are, that is a big improvement.

Having said that, let me also share what I think about the change you’re thinking about. I believe when one has been in a VERY challenging situation for a long time, as you have, almost ANYTHING else seems better. What you point out about your mom’s life are two very serious problems, alcoholism means that the person is unable to exercise control over herself, her choices and her life. The boyfriends are a result of that same issue, lack of control and probably low self esteem and maybe immaturity. Now, what I care about the most is you in this whole equation. So please keep in mind the following important aspects:

-One thing is to spend a weekend at your mom’s, as in two days most people can keep a nice and comfortable environment, but things change when you extend your stay or even more if you move in. Your mom may be able to control her alcohol intake those two days, and she probably doesn’t go out to see any significant other, or worse, bring then in. But she very likely will not mantain that same behavior every day if you were to move in with her.

-On that same line of thoughts -and this may be tough to hear/read Ana but you have to be very aware and realistic about everything as you unfortunately don’t count on too many people to help you out-; if there is one thing that we know your dad does do is to love you, yes, he doesn’t act correctly and he is facing his own issues but he would never purposely harm you, while these people your mom might be dating, you have no idea who they really are and their intentions and background. The LAST thing you should do is to put yourself in a situation where your physical safety and even your emotional safety are at risk...because although it may sound unbelievable, it could definitely be worse than what you are living now. Please keep this in mind.

Now, let’s see what I think you could do:

- You said your brother lives with your mom, so without telling him why you are asking, try to get information about what is life at your mom’s house on a daily basis, does she drink every day? Does she bring people/boyfriends over? Depending on the answers I’d suggest you tried the following,

- Stay more than a weekend at your mom’s once in a while, sort of testing the waters. You can come up with some reasons as to why you want to stay let’s say Saturday to Tuesday, then come back to your dad. While that is not permanent it allows you to get an idea as to what really goes on at your mom’s and also mor importantly, if you say you feel relaxed at your mom’s, then take more advantage of it, enjoy more of it without having to do anything permanent. You won’t break anybody’s heart and you may get some breathing time.

And lastly,

YOUR YOUTH IS FAR FROM BEING GONE! Your childhood maybe, but Ana, you are SOOO young! Life is only opening up for you, trust me!
That’s why we all try to encourage you do do well in school because life has been so unjust so far, that you NEED to ensure you are doing all you can to ensure a good future for yourself. School is your ticket out!

Believe it or not, 1 1/2 years is nothing! It is like a wink..Harder for you because of your situation but if you’ve survived so far with less knowledge and less experience than you have now, you can get there in one piece, THEN! take ownership of your life, go to college and you’ll really see that THIS IS CERTAINLY NOT ALL THERE IS TO LIFE...IT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING of a ride that will be as great as you make it! Taking care of yourself and realizing how mature and how great of a young woman you are, maybe this very same rough situation is what prepared you to excel in life! Persevere, be wise and trust God!

What would you like to study at college, Ana? Any ideas? It's possible you might kill two birds with one stone and come and study over here! - that should get England out of your system nicely :)

But actually I'm not entirely joking. If you really want to see England (and Europe more widely) then being here as student would be one way to do it. Plus it would get you right away from family responsibilities, plus it's a well-defined length of time with a clear goal at the end of it. If it's something you want to think about, go to ucas.com and have a browse.

Don't plan to move in with your mother. There is a saying: "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." I suspect that if you move in with your mother, no matter how sensitively you handle it, you will devastate your father and find that you are no longer too young to see what's going on around you. If it doesn't work out, which has got to be a major risk, you'll just have wrecked your relationships with both of them and be worse off.

I'm not blaming your mother for the things you describe that you weren't aware of when you were little. For one thing, "let him who is without sin cast the first stone" and all that; and for another being under stress in itself can trigger these behaviours, and it's impossible to say what led to what. So I don't blame her, and I'm glad to see that you don't, either.

But all the same. That doesn't mean her ways would be easy or healthy for you to live with. I know your present home isn't ideal either, but in spite of it you are already turning things around and you're probably better off sticking to a route that is beginning to improve than running the risk of huge disruption that might set you back disastrously. So, actually, you ARE healing in the environment where you got sick. Except that, actually, I challenge the very idea that you are sick. You haven't by a long chalk received the support and protection you ought to have had, no way; but there is NOTHING wrong with you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. And it shows really exceptional strength that you have not let your family's troubles overwhelm you. Be proud.

Hi Everyone,

It's probably a mistake writing this at such time, but I literally can't sleep. I'm gonna start off with some good news before going on a rant - maybe the hardest one to do so yet, so stay tuned.

I did end up calling my math teacher and she was sooo nice! She was amazing. I started school last week and so far I've loved all my teachers, they've been incredible and i'm so excited this year.

I'm learning how to plan out my to do lists better and it's making me super happy.

Now...

I've had something on my mind for a few weeks now, I've thought about it in the past but never like this. It pains me that I even think about this, but I know exactly why I do - I also know I have very valid reasons to do so.

So, lately I've been seriously thinking about living with my mom. Yep, I said it.

I know, I've posted about her very little before a few reasons why living with her would be bad. Yes, she is an alcoholic - and she has a few boyfriends on the side. But here's the thing, she was an alcoholic and had a few boyfriends on the side before she moved out and I didn't even know, it didn't even bother me. My life wasn't affected by it. So why would it now? Why would all of a sudden would it change?

I've realized that if I continue to live with my dad I'm never gonna be able to be happy. I read a quote that hit me like a truck it reads "You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick". Let that sink in. Adding onto that, I especially can't heal if nobody is willing to give me help.

My mental health is so bad, I can't even think sometimes, I mean right now- I can't even sleep and I have work AND school in the morning.

My physical health is disgusting. I gained too much weight because eating was the only comfort I had - food was the only friend I could have. Then, I stopped eating for control. I started lying so that I could feel something - even if that something was guilt and depression.

My social health, I can't even get started on that, I've noticed it has declined so much in the past few years. I don't know how I'm functioning.

I don't know what is about my dad, that is so toxic. He's a good guy. I just notice whenever he's around, whenever he's present my siblings and I are ALWAYS fighting. Somehow the house gets messy and disorganized. But when he's in the hospital for a few days or weeks, my siblings and I actually show love and act like siblings. The house stays moderately clean and the atmosphere isn't so heavy.

When we are at my mom's for the weekend, my siblings are actual kids. My sister goes outside and plays with her friend. They had sleepover just a few weeks ago.

My brother rides his scooter and plays with lizards with the neighborhood boys.

I hide so much of my personality from my dad. I hide so much of myself from my dad, because I'm trying soo hard to impress him. He doesn't know that I enjoy mysteries, and I love romcoms and I dream of going to England and that I actually LOVE lists.

My mom knows everything. She knows about my crushes, my best friend, she watched mysteries with me and loves to gobble up romcoms.

I love my dad, and that's why this is so hard for me. I love my siblings too, and I feel like as the oldest - it's my job.

I lost my youth. It's over, I'm gonna 18 in like 1.5 years. I have nothing left. But they do, they have years left.

So, I guess my question to you is if I were to try to get the custody changed - what do I do?

I was going to talk to my brother, but he lives with my mom - so I don't want things getting messy if they don't have to.

Should I talk to my dad first? Or have my mom do it?

I'm so scared because if this isn't what I'm supposed to do - I would've ruined everything. My relationship with my dad, the trust, everything.

If I ended up in my mom's house - my dad's gonna be in a nursing home and he isn't gonna wanna see me.

I just don't know what to do. I am so scared.

For now, I guess
Ana

Ref. getting in touch with your math tutor. Don't think about the conversation, think only about how glad you will be to have it behind you and with that in mind pick up the phone. "Present fears are less than horrible imaginings" or, as my sister used to say, "nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be." What's he going to do, boil you in oil over the phone? Get it done, if only so that you know what music you're facing.

Hi Ana! I’d been away from agingcare for a while, so just wanted to say hi and ask how you’re doing?

Also, I have a question, when your dad was at the hospital (and every time he is away) who handles his business? Are you the one responsible for taking care of it?

I ask because I think that’s the main reason why you consider you cannot go to a regular school, and because you have to be there for your dad to take care of him..correct? I might not remember well. If the answer is yes, but there is someone else that can take care of the business, and caregivers that come to the house to help, are you sure regular school couldn’t possibly be an option? At all? Or is it you who prefers homeschooling?
I just believe a regular school system would really help you in so many ways!

A hug and remember to take care of yourself at least as much as you take care of others! 💕

Why can't you and your siblings go to public school? You and your siblings would benefit greatly in many ways.

Hi Everyone,

So I have a bit of an update. Some good and bad news. But first, how is everyone? I hope you are all doing well.

Well, good news - my dad got home safely, and he actually said he was impressed with the house?? Like I was totally shocked, and me and my sister totally didn't high five eachother after he went around the house haha. I bribed him with a vegan lasagna because he's been wanting it for a while, so I think maybe it helped? I don't know. All I know is it wasn't as bad as I thought, and I'm very happy.

School is starting in about 2 weeks, and I'll be a sophomore for one semester and then I'll be a junior! Hooray! I'm hoping to do a semester of sophomore work, and then junior work and then more junior work for summer - and then my senior year I'll be all caught up, hopefully.

Bad news?

Well, I've cried about every night this week over school starting, not being caught up with my work, how my life is - I'm hoping it ends because I am soooo tired lol.

Also, if you remember a while back my dad wanted me to go to this homeschool but it was like expensive?? Well he promised he would pay for it if I left my other school - which I was perfectly happy at, but they weren't helping me get caught up very well.

A few nights ago, he told me that he didn't have the money to pay for this semester (my make up semester) and so I would do all the work and get no credit. There's obviously a lot wrong with that statement.

1) I hate doing work and not have anything to show for it. That's why I always *most* of the time have to finish a project, because if I don't see a big before and after - I'm never satisfied! Also, this school you won't be able to see your grade book until the end of the semesters

2) I already hate that program, I don't like the way it's set up. It's also a totally different school - so they're are some things I don't know, so I feel totally dumb because I feel like I should know it.

3) I won't get to work in my room on my computer, they're paper books and so I'll need to work at the table with my siblings. My dad's actual words were "this is great because then you can babysit them" like what?

4) I won't be able to join the drama club or any clubs at the public school. Because I won't be enrolled in ANY school.

I have a few choices,

A) Do the work and get no credit. (Obviously I hate this choice)

B) Beg him to pay for it like he promised he would. But this option, I would feel like a total burden on our family and the finances.

C) Beg him to let me go back to my old homeschool way, it's free and I liked it. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about being a burden and I wouldn't have to babysit. I could also join the drama club as soon as I can. (This is my favorite choice)

I've already tried to talk to him about option C in the past, however that was before the finances were involved - so it might make a difference this time. I don't know, I just don't want to fight with him at all.

Now, I have that off my chest whew.

I have a few plans for this week, I'm hoping they can keep me busy. My nephews are coming over, so I know for a fact I won't have a dull moment lol.

Anyway, I think that's all? Thank you all so much for everything & I really do appreciate it.
Ana

Ana
you need some sleep

hope your father is feeling better and so glad to get home he doesn't pay any attention to the little things - just pick up any messes and have the kitchen sink clear and the bathroom clean

After almost half a month, my dad is finally coming home. Excited? Sure. Anxiety through the roof? Oh yeah.

I always get stupid anxiety right before my dad comes home because I just KNOW it's going to be terrible. He's not going to be happy with the way the house is, the way we've been eating, ect. It's too much!

It's almost 1 am right now, and I'm writing a list of everything that needs done before he comes home. Ugh, why am I like this? Why do I even care?

If you guys have any tips on things I should make sure get done, they would be appreciated.

Thanks, and I'll try to update tomorrow night
Ana

Very proud of you ana. Your doing great. Thanks for keeping in touch.

It's been...a heck of a week to say the least. The last time I updated was the day before my dad went to the VA Hospital. Well, he's been there for near a week and its been very hard to say the least.

I've gotten into more fights with my sister than ever, it's the stress from having this whole house(hold) on my shoulders. Even to the point she told me that she wishes I wasn't born and she hated me. Guess how that went over with my mind. She did apologize, but I'm a firm believer in you never say something you don't mean. There's always a little bit of truth to everything.

My brother hasn't been coming over everyday to help with the house since my dad isn't here so it's a little hard keeping up with it - especially since my sister and brother are actual mice and love to nibble on food. So they make a mess and don't even clean it up.

I haven't cooked once this week. We were at my moms and then we ordered a pizza, then I learned that our stove/oven is broken. Now that I think about it, I didn't eat at all yesterday or today. I've been really sad and trying to keep myself busy. I guess I should try to eat a little for dinner.

I'm doing my best, I really am. But it isn't good enough. My dad even said that.

It's weird, because usually when parents aren't at the house, the kids go crazy. Stay up late, sleep in. Blah blah. But I just feel more like a parent. It doesn't make any sense. There is literally no escape.

This is my crappy update, and I really have been trying to hold off on venting because I don't want to infect anyone with my troubles and issues lol. But I just can't hold it in anymore. Today I was doing some homework for summer school and I literally cried because I didn't get the answer right even though I was off by just a little bit. That's how bad it is right now.

Hopefully my next update will be better & I hope you are all doing well too.
Ana

Ana
when did your dad break his shoulder ?

are you going to be able to handle him on a long train ride ?

Pack anything in his dirty clothes basket or what has just been washed. Those things are what he was wearing and needs. Pack his shaver, toothbrush, toothpaste. Even if you forget, things can be sent later.
His meds. Do not pack expired meds, just his current meds.

Then pack a nice shirt and jacket, for dinner at a dining table.

First aid kit, bandages and neosporin, scissors, tape, gauze.

Extra toilet paper.

Favorite pillow.