I have 2 brothers. One lives just outside of town, about half an hour away, the other is a thousand miles away. My husband quit his job to help me out at home. Now we're both burned out. My near by brother is unwilling to step in and spend much time with them, preferring to use our parent's money to bring in more respite workers (he does have POA for property).
Husband and I gave up our home, our jobs and our independence. We're paid a weekly stipend for caregiving, and live with free room and board. I've asked him to step in and give us a break, and also asked for an increase in the stipend. But, as I said, he'd rather pay additional outside workers more than we're paid (from our parent's bank accounts) than volunteer to help, or put himself out in any way...or contribute any of his own financial resources to their care.
Any suggestions as to how to reason with him? It feels very unfair to us, and to my parents, to only help by throwing their money around.
What do you expect of him, exactly?
If you feel that the amount of compensation you and your husband receive in return for the support you provide is not enough, or you feel that you can't sustain this incredibly hard work, then you are free to to say "enough" and make a different plan for your parents in consultation with the rest of the family.
You may wish and want your brother to behave differently but you can't make him so you need to accept his choice. Make peace with it. Let go of the anger or resentment that you may be feeling about it.
I realize this may not be the advice you were looking for but it just might be time for you to change your mindset a little bit and I think you'll feel happier.
Good luck.
You admit you are burnt out.
And you are asking your brother to give up his life.
Why? If your parents have the funds, why not hire professional caregivers? NO ONE should give up their lives in this situation. If your parents require 2 people with them all the time, to the point where neither can work outside the home, then something needs to change.
You know yourself how hard it is to be caregiver. I do too. I’ve done it since 2005.
If your brother is offering money, that’s generous. My brothers don’t offer anything. If your parents have income, use it. You and your husband can resume your lives without caregiving.
Your parents will accept your decisions made regarding their care.
You, your husband and your brother aren’t interested in providing hands on care for your parents but your brother will make sure caregivers are hired to do so? That’s wonderful!
You can go back to visiting your parents as a daughter and focus on you and your husband’s own life and future 🙂
I have to say that you made my day with your reply! Can you drill it into my head now? Hypnotize me! Do whatever is necessary! Kick me in the butt a few hundred times!
Oh boy, your answer is brilliant and should be told to every prospective and current caregiver!
Thanks for the most thought provoking, truthful answer that I have ever seen on this topic.
If you are burned out then it is time for the plan to change. Your brother sounds like he is looking at this realistically and what he is saying he will arrange with respite caregivers is awesome.
Tell him to get it arranged and plan your vacation to rest up and decide if you are willing to continue to sacrifice your entire life to your parents or is it time to be a daughter and advocate.
Very similar questions on this forum have been answered with compassion. The difference between my question and the others, is we've put everything AgingCare suggests for homecare into place, and it's still not enough.
Y'all aren't worth the time it takes me to type how I feel about your advice: hurt.
I hope you take a respite and figure out how to continue to care for your parents, because you choose this path and your brother's choose a different path, neither one is right or wrong, it is what it is.
Why do you say to those who agree that your parents should pay for their care that they do not have compassion?
Should home maintenance be done by your brother or a contractor he hired? I don’t necessarily agree with him keeping money given to him by his parents for home repair & then going to the bank and replace that money from his parents’ account, but your parents must trust him if he is authorized access to their bank account ad lib.
None of us are getting any younger. I have all good intentions to clean out our basement every weekend for about 10 years-too much physical work for this old girl who is trying her best to work FT until eligible for full SS. (61). I’m not sure how old brother is but he may not be physically able to do the maintenance work on the house. As long as the work gets done, that’s the goal.
You are doing what your parents want (no "shit hole NH"). (BTW, my mother's NH is no "shit hole.") You agreed to take care of your parents. Your brothers agreed to NOT do hands-on caregiving.
Are you expecting an inheritance, and is that why you are angry that your brother is being paid to take care of the house, but instead takes that pay and hires outside workers from your parents bank account? Are you worried that you will get less money when they die?
What is their financial situation -- can they afford a facility, or will they become Medicaid-eligible? (If they are paying you without a contract, that could be problematic for the Medicaid spend-down.)
If you are bound and determined to keep your parents out of a NH, then it seems that you and your H will suffer the results of that -- physically, emotionally, etc. You can only change yourselves, not other people, so don't expect any different from your brothers.
As long as you put the "wants" of your parents above you and your husband's physical and mental wellbeing and needs, the situation will continue as it is.
If I’m understanding your issue with the house maintenance, (like lawn mowing etc?) brother gets paid to do it, but also pays someone else out of the parents account? That does sound like double dipping to me, unless the costs are more than he gets paid? Ex: he gets $50 to mow lawn, lawn guy charges $75, he withdraws $25 more from the account to cover it. Is it possible that’s the situation?
And of course you are burned out, see him seemingly getting off light, and the money is the lighter fluid on the burn. These are my suggestions to be able to reason with brother and hopefully come to a better understanding of what’s happening, what could change, what won’t, and what you can live with.