Im 47. I am a single mom raising my 7 year old by myself. I have 2 daughters in college. I just recently quit cleaning homes after 10 yrs bc my knees and back need a break. I take care of my mom full time bc of her health issues and not being able to remember basic things anymore. I've helped my mom over 20 yrs. I have 3 sisters. One never helps. One helps less than 10 days a year. The 3rd lives in the sames town and helps very little. Now that my mom can't remember to take her meds, forgets to eat, drink water, etc., I feel I have to be there even more. My struggle is finding a job where I am available to my mom all day and pick up my son at 2:30 everyday. I have no idea how to do this. Lately my mom is dizzy and has a history of passing out. Last year my son and I lived with her about 4 months bc she was passing out so much. She spent about 60 days in the hospital last year. I am with her every time bc she cannot effectively communicate with Drs about meds, or anything really. I have suggested to my mom we both sell our homes and build something that works for us both. But as most of you know, they are Redicioulsy stubborn. I feel like most of the ppl on here about how much you sacrifice for the person you are caring for. Its hard to communicate how I feel with even family. I do not feel they understand what I'm struggling with. I'm not sure why everything is my job. I miss having relationships outside of my mom and son. But everyone on here is right, its impossible to date. Any suggestions on how to be a single parent, work, caregive, and have any kind of a social life.
I certainly think you need a circuit breaker to give you time to rationalise and prioritise all your responsibilities - and your personal needs, like something resembling a social life. I am not talking party, party, party, just someone your own age to whom you can relate, have a laugh and a cry with, enjoy the occasional meal away from the family, going to the movies occasionally, and so forth. I doubt you would get much out of dating at the moment, given your hectic lifestyle. Such a complicated life can be a turnoff for so many people who might otherwise make wonderful companions.
I recommend that circuit breaker be to arrange some Respite care for your mother. Just a couple of weeks would be adequate, a month even better.
It sounds like your mother's health is in rapid decline and things cannot keep on as they are. If you do not already have POA, get it NOW while your mother is still capable of signing the documents and consenting. If she is not, get legal advice immediately. The last thing you need is for your sisters to have POA, especially since they show no genuine desire to assist your mother.
Selling both homes and building something suited to both your own needs and hers sounds good on paper, but in reality it will not work. If your mother has dementia, which it does sound like, you will be able to get her co operation less and less. Believe it or not, she will become even more stubborn. .... and that will be the better part of her decline! She will eventually need to be in a memory care unit and you will have spent all that money on a house she will not enjoy. Further, if her share is needed to get her into some form of assisted living, or to arrange in home care, you will have to sell up and your life thrown into turmoil yet again.
Speak to her doctor, get the full goss on what the future holds for her, and for you. If she goes into the hospital in the near future, get the social workers involved. They may be able to arrange respite carers to go into her home - or if your mother is already living with you, to care for your mother while you are at work.
Whichever road you choose to travel you must at least make a start, otherwise you will be devoured by all that is headed your way at warp speed.
If you continue to do the same actions, nothing will change. You can't make your mother or your siblings change.
That is how others here have handled being used by their families. They have stepped back.
It wasn't just a uncaring disappearing act. It was a well researched & planned out RESPONCE - that broke the situation of REACTING to the latest need.
The folk here can help with this!
Long term your mother is going to need LTC. You may want to start working with AAA to determine if your mother would qualify for a Medicaid waiver for an AL. In my state, seniors requiring daily medication management due to dementia or diabetes often qualify for AL help.
Make sure you get the DPOA and HCPOA documents in order. You may need an official dementia diagnosis for your mother to qualify for additional Medicare and Medicare services.
You have a young child. Your responsibility is to your 7 year old son. How present can you possibly be in your son's life when you write "I feel I have to be there even more" for your mother???
It doesn't matter what your siblings choose to do. You are not going to change them. You can only change yourself and make better choices for yourself and your son.
"My struggle is finding a job where I am available to my mom all day and pick up my son at 2:30 everyday." In my opinion, you are not being realistic. Most jobs are 9-to-5. Jobs that are shift work i.e. not 9-to-5 require hard skills. Even server jobs in the food industry require hard skills like basic math and point of sale technology.
If you don't want to upset her with her doctor, I might write the doctor a letter detailing what you are seeing, and confirm that he has read it before you arrive for the appointment.. Often they want to do an office evaluation. Your input would be helpful.
Some people expect adult children to take on caregiver roles for the aging parents, especially, if they are sick or have mental decline. IMO, it's up the adult child, but, if they aren't inclined or do not feel they are able to do it, then that is their right. Taking on roles of that type can really change your life. Most people have their own families, jobs and homes to care for. Taking on more may not be feasible for them or you. That would be your decision. I know that I would not expect that from my adult children.
Before selling any kind of assets or building, I'd consult with an Elder Law attorney about asset planning and protection. There are so many potential issues with things alike that. I'd also ask about HCPOA and DPOA, if those have not already been signed by your mother.
There are many threads around this site about adult children trying to do what you are doing. I think it's rather intensive and often not feasible for even a healthy person without young children.
There are ways to make money on your own schedule. The easiest center around arbitrage. Either in the financial market or the flea market. Buy low, sell high. Plenty of people make a decent living buying stuff and then reselling it. That can either come from buying a pallet of excess merch from a liquidator and then selling it in pieces or hunting for in demand merch in stores and selling those at a mark up. Ebay and Amazon are full of people making a living through arbitrage.
I wish I had a magic wand to hand out to all caregivers. That’s what it would take. Those wands would be waving all over the place with caregiver’s wishes for instant results for the elderly to function on their own. I feel badly for caregivers and the elderly.
My biggest fear is that I will be dependent on others. I really don’t want that. I just want to die in my sleep or a quick heart attack!
It’s sad how caregiving effects us. For me it truly made me extremely aware of my own mortality. We have to live each day with as much joy as we can, otherwise we end up thinking too much about very unpleasant circumstances.
Far be it from me to criticize our creator but sometimes I wonder why God allows us to have all of these issues. Not even theologians have all of the answers to our questions.
Have you got a recent health update for your Mother?
I think getting the honest situation from her Doctor & some solid advice about what her care needs are is the way to start. Then you can make a realistic plan.
Would you consider having a family meeting? Already you know your sisters are not 'boots on the ground' help. Mine either. I was resentful at the start until I realised everyone gets to help at their own capacity. So if Mother stays at home, or moves in with you - you will be it. That's the reality. But better to know now than empty promises & resentment later. Work as a team if you can.
Get the real health picture. Then make a plan that meets ALL of your needs - Mum, you & your children. Sisters too.
You are young & have a life to live too! So it may be a move into a supervised setting gets Mum the care she needs.
Your mother was responsible for planning her own old age. Apparently she didn't do so. That doesn't make it your problem. I don't know if your siblings have better boundaries or just don't care, but in either case, you are not required to take up the burden of your mother's care.
You say your mother gets angry if you talk to her doctor about how she is living.
So?
How does her anger hurt you? Is she controlling you through fear, obligation and guilt?
Perhaps you need to step back from running yourself ragged at your son's expense. With many unreasonable elders, it takes a fall or hospitalization for the healthcare system to say to them " no, we can't send you home".
You may need to let your mother fail before she gets the real help she needs and deserves.
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