I have been my narcissistic mother’s soul support and caregiver for over 20 years. The relationship has always been difficult and she fights me on everything when she needs help because she has so much guilt about me doing so much. The last 2 years she has pushed me away more and more. She has had many injuries and health issues in the last year. With each event she allows me to help for two days and is very appreciative and then the criticism starts. I react, we fight, I walk away and she says “See! I knew you didn’t want to be here!” I’m blamed for everything because I react and get angry “for no reason.” I still try to help because I know she needs help, but for the last year she simply says no to any offer of help. But then lays on the guilt about how hard it is to do everything by herself.
I shared in a previous post about a family meeting we had to address her needs that went horribly. I have been no contact with my NM for a month since that meeting. I had extreme guilt over it but have finally moved into a space of knowing I did the right thing to save myself because I was on the verge of a total breakdown. Well my mom texted me Friday and asked if I would come over and talk. I asked what she wanted to talk about. She wanted to know what she did that was so terrible for me to treat her this way. So I sent her the audio I recorded of the family meeting hoping she would hear herself and see what she did to escalate and attack everyone else in the room when we were only trying to help her. Nope……she accused me of editing the audio because she knows I said things that were not on that recording and all it showed was my anger. She did nothing wrong. We all attacked her for no reason and the 4 people she told about it all said it was elder abuse and that she should contact an attorney. 🙄. I ignored the threats and said that I find it interesting that after a whole month she decided to contact me on my husbands birthday weekend and that I would not be addressing any of this until next week because he deserves a peaceful weekend. Of course that as ignored and she continued with the threats of abandonment and abuse and a long list of all of the things that are currently wrong with her. I ignored it.
I have done everything I can for my mom. I have given up so much of my life and have been in a constant state of fight or flight for years. This past month has been the most peace I have had in my life ever. And with one text my blood pressure rose, my heart was pounding and I was right back in that mode of dreading the fight I know I have ahead of me. She is in full panic mode right now and I know I’m going to have hell to pay. I’m going to give her one more chance. I’m going to sit down with her and try to remember all of the new knowledge I have gained recently about this disorder and try to get through to her that I will only discuss the future and she must voice her needs. We will set a schedule of when she needs help so that I can live my own life without constantly trying to anticipate her needs and read her mind. I have no delusions that this conversation will go any different than any other I’ve had with her. It will all be my fault. But just in case I can crack the shell, I’m wondering if anyone has any suggestions on what to cover about the future. I don’t currently have POA and I’m not really sure if I want it. But I do want a care plan from her as I will record the conversation for my own protection. Additional home help from an outside provider is not an option right now because there is no one available in our area through Medicaid. And neither of us can afford to pay out of pocket. So I’m all she has. But I will not live my life on her terms any longer.
I understand where you are coming from. I have a miserable mother also. Her end can’t come soon enough for me.
Your mother wants to rule her world, starting with you.
You want the relationship to follow your beliefs about good behavior on each side.
The only thing you can do on your own is to change your ‘beliefs about good behavior’ on YOUR side. You won’t change her. Actually, you don’t need to change your ‘beliefs’ about what would be best, but you need to acknowledge that it isn’t working. You’ve taken some steps already – well done!
At present a POA wouldn’t help at all. It can’t overrule what a legally competent person wants to do, and it sounds that your M is currently legally competent.
If you stop providing support, you say that “neither of us can afford to pay out of pocket. So I’m all she has”. That’s not right. She can sell assets. If you stop providing support, and she finds she can’t cope on her own, her option is to sell her house and go to AL. You don’t need to feel guilty about that. Other family members may not like it, but they can also consider coming up with other options.
So stop support and contacts that don’t work, and send her a couple of AL brochures.
When we forget to tell her something, like her mail order meds arrived while she was sleeping, she gets furious. She thinks the rest of us are being unreasonable because we’re treating her like a child (even though we simply forgot about the med delivery between juggling both her life and ours).
I’ve been feeling super guilty about just waiting for her to get worse (we know she is not going to get better). But your post nailed it for me. Our past history, going back even as far as my childhood is that I’m supposed to anticipate her needs, and practically beg her to accept help, because she doesn’t want to “put anyone out” even though what she really wants is for us to be at her beck and call.
Then if we failed to live up to her expectations she was sad, disappointed or angry that she was sick and no one cared for her, she was lonely and no one called or she needed help but no one offered. We were supposed to either read her mind or call her constantly to anticipate her needs. Most of this went on when she was a healthy adult with a home, husband, job and car. She has even stated that doing a kindness for someone is diminished if the person has to ask for it. That gets a little difficult when the recipient doesn’t even live in the same town and we don’t know what she needs.
THIS is why I’m so resentful. Every time she criticizes or complains now as we try our best to care for her, it presses all the old buttons.
Ive been through years of therapy and I understand where these feelings are coming from. I’ve also worked very hard to be more direct, asking her to let me know what she needs or expects, and no hinting around and then laying on the guilt when we don’t pick up on her hints.
I handle things better now because I am more direct and I don’t let her get away with going off on us for forgetting to tell her about a delivery, or “not waking her up”. This is another new responsibility we all have (including the paid caregivers) even though the doctor said it was normal at this stage of her disease for her to sleep 17 hours a day. I call her out on things now, but it doesn’t change her behavior. I know a lot of people here think I should walk away, but I’m not going to do that at the 11th hour of her life.
Missmypeace, I’m sorry I sort of hijacked your thread. You are doing the right thing by trying to address things now. With our parents the trajectory is is always older and needier. You still have a lot of good years ahead of you, and they may be without your Mom in the picture so much if she’s going to treat you that way. I’m just trying to hold on until the end (and hire even more help) because nothing is going to change my mom.
Is it wrong to just be waiting for a peaceful, painless end to come? I know, there is another whole thread about that..
I’m omw to meet my 20 y/o daughter for lunch. I guess the only truly meaningful thing I can do now is stop repeating the patterns of my mother and her mother before her. I never want my daughter (or son) to feel this way.
No, it is not wrong to wish a peaceful end to the situation. This is a huge responsibility and no one ever asked if we wanted it on our shoulders. Especially for so long. It just isn’t fair.
No...is a one word sentence
When saying No...you are not responsible for the reaction u get. (From Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud)
My mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.
Good luck going forward. This will happen many times, over and over. Stay strong.
This is setting boundaries!
This is letting go of wishing/expecting others to change and BEING the change we need.
I am very glad I did it because it confirmed so much for me and I walked away feeling peace. I can finally sleep tonight feeling much lighter from the weight I dropped back in her lap. It was never mine to carry. It’s time she had it back.
I went full 'no contact' with my MIL 3+ years ago. Best and healthiest thing I could have done and should have done it 30 years ago.
She acts like she doesn't 'get' why I am not a part of her CG team and if she had any thoughts of anyone but herself, she'd know why.
You are kind to give your mom one more chance--yet you know she's going to do something to ruin it, right? Go into it having zero expectations and you won't be disappointed when it fails.
Block her calls. Don't even listen to the messages.
You have sibs you can support and not be hands on. I support my DH by making sure he has as little stress at home as I can manage. I don't complain when he leaves at crazy hours to do crazy things for his mother. I have made meals for her which she will not eat. (Not anymore). At this point in time, she is coming first. After she dies, DH and I will be in counseling to deal with this--right now, it would be useless.
You can have a meeting with mom, but don't have high expectations. Narcs just don't think of other people.
Narcissists don't feel guilt. Why, because they do no wrong. Not sure why she pushes you away and then wants you when she wants you. I would not sit down with her. She will never see it your way. You said a month has been so peaceful, keep it that way. I am not saying not to do for her, but you do it in your time not hers. Its time to set those Boundaries for you. She will always try and step over them. You need to learn how to curb that anger too. She is entitled to do things her way, you don't need to be a part of it. There are resources out there, Senior bussing for appts and shopping for one. If she wants to do things herself, let her she will find out she can't.
Boundaries...I did not even know I was setting boundaries at the time my Mom could not drive anymore. I worked p/t so we set up a day a week for shopping and running errands. If she needed anything in between, like a prescription, I picked that up when I was out. Appts were made when it was convenient for me. No time was taken off from work. (I was lucky, I worked one week on and one week off.) She had dinner with us once a week where we met some family friends. She had her Church and was able to get rides with fellow church members for activities there. I took her on Sundays. Time together. 0
You determine how much time you want to spend with Mom and how much u are willing to do. Anger is not good for ur B/P. As soon as you feel it coming, walk away. Hang up the phone "sorry Mom not getting into that now". You are in charge of you not Mom.
I would think the book ""Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud was mentioned before. Its Christian based. Also, look up "Grey Rock method". Let Mom come to you, you have more leverage IMO. You can then say yes but when I can, no I can't do that. Your in charge of ur time, not Mom. The less u see of her the better. If she doesn't like the new set up, oh well Mom thats how its going to be now.
Look at it this way, she needs you more than you need her. She need to know this too.
This is a symptom of a personality disorder. The person in question (your mother) does not notice that you and she are not the same person, thinking the same thoughts
Have you read "Never Simple", by Liz Scheier? It will give you a bit of insight into how your mom thinks. And how stepping away is what you need to do before you damage yourself any further.
Life is too short to help people who turn our good intentions and efforts to be helpful against us.
You know what? She made out just fine. The social services folks are quite good at their jobs when there aren't "kids" trying to provide what parents don't see as "help".
How can your mother not be ready for assisted living if she needs so much help from you?
Nothing has changed in 20years why do you think it will because you record a conversation.
Until you change you nothing good will happen.
Her care plan is up to her, not you, she is a toxic person, accept that and continue to go no contact.
Obviously, you have issues, possibly codependency, IDK, seek some therapy for your own wellbeing.
Time to put yourself first.
Expecting a different outcome, attitude or reaction from your mother is a little bit insane.
Step back and stop being Mama's amusement park. She's using you for entertainment when she gets bored.
IF you have contact you already KNOW where this will lead, as for TWENTY YEARS it has never led anywhere else. The script is already written. Anyone could take either of your roles, because they are predictable and unchanging.
We are getting of late on the Forum many people writing to us who have written to us, sometimes over a few years. Their complaints are ongoing and they are predictable and they are repetitive.
At this point, when we get these queries I simply remind the OP that we have been here and done this already. And that at some point, I am so sorry to have to say that it is CHOICE. You are not being forced to partake in this; you already know the outcome.
You mention guilt. That is often the excuse. Or "obligation". Obligation is not from the child to the parent, it is in fact from the PARENT to the child until that child is of age, and then there is no obligation on either side. And guilt ALWAYS REQUIRES RESPONSIBILITY. You didn't cause your mother's personality problems; so you cannot be guilty. You can have GRIEF in that she has always been (and will always be, due to her limitations) an inadequate parent. You are grown now and don't NEED a parent. But you do need to make better choices than these habitual ones you are currently making. Only a GOOD psychologist can help you with that, and by good, I mean one that will shake you up and rock your world. As listeners are cheap. We here on Forum don't charge a thing to listen.
Make no mistake. These women feel no "guilt", only entitlement.
They want you to BEG to help them so they can say they never asked for help in the first place. It's all your fault bc YOU insisted on helping. And then did a rotten job AT helping to boot.
Check out this super helpful article on the 25 Signs of a Passive-aggressive Covert Narcissist:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
If you insist on helping her, it must be on your terms entirely. You don't sit down and set a schedule of her needs! She will be 100% wishy-washy so she can keep you guessing about what she needs and when she needs it. That's the goal. To call you daily with her needs. To "play it by ear" under the guise of "not tying you down" which ties you down 100% by sheer waiting alone. Nope. Mother, I will be available on Weds from 10 am to 1 (or whatever) pm and that's IT. I suggest you make a list of what you'd like help with otherwise I won't be available until the following Weds.
When the threats ensue, leave her presence and don't return calls till the next scheduled help date.
She will learn, in short order, you mean business. But you MUST BE CONSISTENT. Bc she is looking for YOU to crack so she can slither in again with her hideous behavior. Tell her by your actions ENOUGH ALREADY.
You can do it! Good luck! 😁