Leaving my full-time job to care for my mom. Losing my health insurance.
In 2019 after a VERY expensive divorce my 78 year old mom suffered a stroke causing some vision loss and forcing her into retirement. She was unable to drive to her appointments or get groceries for herself. I was working full time and had two daughters attending the University where I was employed (as a benefit of my job the private University covered 90% of the kid’s tuition as well as excellent health insurance and other generous benefits). I lived/worked about 75 miles one way from mom so I had her taken to a facility about 15 minutes from her home for her to recover. As the youngest of four siblings (my two brothers had past away from Early onset Alzheimer’s a year prior) and my sister lived about halfway between my home and our mom the majority of the decisions and take her to appointments. I have four children of my own, two were in college at the time , one was in high school one in middle school. I was running myself half to death trying to be everything to everyone and not doing anything “well”. I had suffered a concussion about four months prior to mom’s stroke and was using FMLA while I recovered. Therefore, I had exhausted that benefit so I was using vacation and what sick time I had. Once that was exhausted I took days without pay. I made a decision to leave my position she could go home due to the fact that my sister was completely uninvolved. Then COVID hit! Mom wouldn’t leave her house and declined significantly. She noticed a lump on her breast and once I got her to a doctor she had about nine biopsies and they “stopped because there were too many tumors to count”. She had a mastectomy moved in with me and I took her to radiation every day for six weeks. She returned to her home and was doing well then I got COVID and didn’t see mom for almost three weeks (typically I would visit her, take her groceries, pay her bills etc). After not actually seeing her for so long I immediately noticed she was very different. I immediately took her to the ER and the Dr showed me the images and I saw 9 lesions on her brain. She had a procedure called Gamma Knife that broke the large tumors into smaller ones. Long story short my sister was no where to be found. I was alone in this and still had kids to take care of. After this procedure in January of 2022 her oncologist told me in February “spend as much time as you possibly can with your mother for the next two weeks”. My mother currently lives alone and does what she can for herself and certain she is a “medical miracle”! I have seen to moms every need (with the amazing help from mom’s neighbor) and am blessed to have her still with me however I have been driving around 140 miles 3-4 times a week since 2019. I have interviewed for a few jobs and worked a couple of part time jobs but I haven’t had health insurance since I left my job in 2019. I am 51 years old and need to take care of myself because if I get sick what would happen to my mom? She is financially stable and tries to help me with things like gas money etc but when my sister found out mom was helping me she filed a Civil Lawsuit against me for “misusing mom’s money, elder abuse, theft of mom’s valuables and about 6 additional things. I have spent $40k this year alone in legal fees defending myself against this lawsuit. So I can’t pay for private healthcare. Am I missing something that is out there to help me get just a basic health insurance?
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Keep applying for jobs. Have mom go to a lawyer and set up a caregiving contract so that she can pay you for what you're currently doing.
The story of so many people.
😞
Look into your local county human/health services for help with either applying Medicaid or low rated insurance (you might not qualify for full scope Medicaid, but a lower policy that has co-pays).
AARP also health insurance starting at low monthly costs and you are just at the right age to qualify for coverage.
Don't lose hope, there are options and a way. Just might take some time for you to find a solution doable for you.
Your mother sounds like she is in better financial and physical shape than you are.
What do your kids think of all of this? How old are the youngest ones and how are they getting their college paid (just wondering)?
If I were you, I would be wishing to be an only child.
If I had filed a suit against my mother or siblings due to her gifting them money, I would have spent my life in court!
I was the primary caregiver for my mother for a very long time. Towards the end of mom’s life, one of my brothers helped and then he saw what a sacrifice it was to be a caregiver.
I wish you the very best and hope that you find work soon.
That isn't the question. The real question is, "I am 51 years old and need to take care of myself because if I get sick what would happen to ME?"
But I guess you've figured that out.
Please stop sacrificing for mom and get a job with benefits. Mom could pay for her own care so you wouldn't have to drive there so often, and she should be in a facility anyway. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, but we see that a lot on here. Self-sacrifice isn't all that noble (and I know because I've done it and regretted it). You're supposed to put on your own oxygen mask first and then help others. Good luck.
https://www.coveredca.com/
I am sorry for your very trying situation but as I read your story I am thinking of your children in all of this. Would you want one of them to martyr themselves as you have done for your mother?
Definitely not trying to be harsh, you sound extremely kind and caring but it seems as though your own health, livelihood, future financial stability, children’s education etc. were very easily discarded by you. Is the bad divorce your mother endured part of that emotional situation for you?
As far as insurance, you would be able to get Medicaid if you have no income.
I'm sorry you quit your job, I wish you had found this forum before you decided to do that, we could have helped you then.
40k. No way. I find that hard to believe. How many hearings in one year?
Something doesn't sound right here. If you are caring for your mother, your sister has no say in what is done with mother's money. She is unwilling to help, you have to show an attorney everything that you are doing as if you were a paid employee. I mean list everything:
laundry, transportation, accompanying to every doctor's visit, grocery shopping, meal preparation, ordering/securing/dispensing medications, cleaning, time spent on the phone with insurance companies, bill paying, etc.
If your mother had to pay someone to do everything start writing an invoice. You are going to have to fight fire with fire.
There are a lot of remote jobs. I take it that your two youngest children were to benefit from the tuition remission program at your University. I would go online and find a College/University that offers tuition remission in the shortest duration of time. Usually for the children there is a length of service before this benefit kicks in. But it sounds like they are probably both in College now and that has been settled.
Also, usually at a College the TIAA-CREF if your institution offers that, which most hospitals and university settings do--you are probably vested. Don't leave any money sitting on the table. You gave up a lot along with the next generation attending a private school. But your health and well-being are first and foremost.
I know this firsthand since I attended a ritzy private College by working there. Usually you don't make a lot of money but the benefits and perks are fabulous.
Try to get back into Academia even if it is part-time. Also, make sure when you attend the HR Orientation you purchase a "Long-Term Disability Insurance" policy for yourself in case you get sick. It is inexpensive but you need to have these "what if" plans in place in case your health fails. What will you live on? They can take the premiums out of your pay check.
A Flexible Healthcare Spending Card is also of value. The amount you can pre-tax are different for an "Individual" compared to a "Family" Plan. I'm not sure if you mean you divorced or your mother divorced in 2019.
Basically, you can pre-tax money and you can put that $$$ on a flex card to pay for all medical expenses for you and/or your children, that's if you are responsible for the children's medical.
Your sister can't have it both ways. You do all of the work, she refuses to help and doesn't think that you need assistance. How did your sister find out you were getting gas money.
Can Mom sell her house and would it be feasible for her to move in with you and pay you board and can you work part-time with benefits either remotely or at a campus, securing, if you can, some type of tuition remission for the two youngest children, although the latter is not the main issue. Just get back in there and move around along with the changes that occur at home.
You can only run so much and you can't be all things to all people. You do, however, have to have housing, food and health insurance, paid time off, etc. If the children have to pay for their own College, it's not the end of the world.
Have you had your teeth cleaned since 2019 plus routine blood work along with annual mammogram?
Go to a beauty school to get your hair cut and colored. You need to do a total makeover for yourself in every area of your life and stick to the game plan that's going to position you in the best place possible.
What if Mom gets sick again. What if I get sick. Do you have harsh winters. Are there doctor's offices in the area should mother come live with you? Streamline everything. Teach the kids to cook, clean, vacuum--they will be better for it in the long run.
You don't want to be in a situation where you start a new job and are training and the phone rings at work, "Grandma needs help". These things happen but you have to make some decisions about how much you can do.
I will pray for you. You sound like a wonderful person.
Yet it also appears you wanted to care for your Mom - yourself. And you have.
This may have brought great love & satisfaction to your life - but has also had brought great consequences.
Did you have a time frame in mind when you started your caregiving journey? Or was it an emergency reaction? (Quickly taking over Mom's oars in her canoe when the river changed dramatically).
Maybe Mom didn't get a change to adjust to life after divorce..? (Paddle her own canoe). Then stroke happened to her. Stroke can steal a person's independance in a flash. Recovery is always hoped for but many find themselves unable to return to 'normal as before' but in a 'new normal'.
Do you feel that both of you have really acceped these huge losses that happened to Mom? Talked them through? Felt the grief & loss.
Have you made *sustainable* longer term plans? If not, it's never to late to start.
Moving forward, does Mom want to be so dependant on you? For this to change the very shape of your adult life?
Do you want to be living Mom's life with her instead of your own - with a job, possible travel or whatever else you used to do?