Follow
Share

A recent elder care situation has had my spouse away from home around 3/4 of the time for the last several months, with no real end in sight. I have traveled with her as much as I can. If you’ve been involved in a situation where either you or your spouse has been away from home for an extended period, I’d appreciate any insight on how you dealt with it, how it impacted your relationship, and how it impacted other relationships with friends and children. We’ve been together for over 35 years, and this is a big and sudden change. Thanks.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Welcome, Rudy!

Others here have had this experience, I have not.

In your shoes, I would be concerned that your Significant Other is running herself ragged.

When she is home, have you had a serious conversation about what her long term plan is?

Is it possible to move the elder closer?

Are there funds for care?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
RudyNJ Feb 2022
Thank you. Yes, I'm very concerned about exhaustion and depression for my significant other. Given that this is a relatively new situation, I've kept my feelings out of it, and done my best to support her. Once the rehab stage is over, and my MIL is moved to some level of care, we'll have our longer term discussion. To be clear, my wife is not technically the caregiver, and I believe that it's guilt more than anything that is driving her decision to spend the majority of time with her Mother. Funds for LTC are not an issue.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
I was the traveling one for a while and it was bad — even when I was home, I was handling phone calls about my Dad, dealing with issues — I would barely unpack before I was back on a plane. If you ever want to fly from DC to Portland, Maine, I can rattle off every airline and their flight schedule! My husband was very understanding but it really wasn't sustainable. We decided to move my Dad to an AL near us and while that creates it's own challenges (and I had to sell his house myself from eight states away!) in the end it was way better. I would encourage your spouse to think about the long term and perhaps helping their parent move closer in some way.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
RudyNJ Feb 2022
Thank you. We have talked about this, and her Mom will wind up staying in her geography, either in assisted living or skilled nursing, depending on her capabilities. There are siblings involved, and if we moved my MIL closer to us, none of the siblings would ever see her. It's been discussed and ruled out.
(0)
Report
Hi Rudy. I’m male, age 67, married and started long distance caring for my parents at about age 60 from 600 miles away. Fortunately I had just retired about the time my folks were beginning to fail. I was dealing with dementia and a bunch of medical and mobility issues.

I would make the long drive on an as needed basis, usually every month or so. I usually stayed for a week, more or less, depending on what was happening.

I finally got them into a care facility near their home. This made things SO much easier. Then I could drive down for short visits and check on them. After my mom died I moved dad into a facility near me. No more 12 hour drives.

Those few years were very difficult for me and my wife. But she was very understanding and helpful with all the financial nightmares my dad had created and all the legal stuff I had to go through. I think though, if I had been gone for weeks at a time it could have been very rough on our marriage.

It’s a balancing act to care for elders and maintaining your own life. There were a couple times I felt like I might go down with the ship but I’d get through it and keep moving on.

Good luck with this.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
RudyNJ Feb 2022
Thank you very much for your thoughtful answer.
(5)
Report
I think with something like this, eventually options need to be looked at.

How bad is the person's heath? This will depend on what type of facility they enter. Can they afford an Assisted Living or Memory Care? Depending on the State, Medicaid does not pay for these types of facilities. NJ may pay after the person has at least paid privately for two years. If they can't pay for an AL, then its a LTC facility with Medicaid, SS and any pension paying the bill. But, they need to be 24/7 care.

Its hard enough being a Caregiver when you live in the same town or house. Put traveling hours back and forth is added stress. Your spouse will not be able to do this for long. Decisions will need to be made. Bring the person nearer to you. Do not move them in with u.
Place the person where they live and visit when u can. Move closer to them.

Your spouse needs to realize their family, husband and children, are #1. That parents become #2 when you married. As long as her parent/s are placed where they are safe and cared for, spouse has done their job. We don't have to physically care for them.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
RudyNJ Feb 2022
Thank you. Health is deteriorating for sure. Financial issues are taken care of, and MIL will be moving into a care facility. There is no talk of, or chance of her coming closer to our home, she is not moving in with us. As I said in a prior response, I think my wife's guilt is driving her behavior. She knows that there's not much she can do to change my MIL's condition.
(2)
Report
I am with my partner now for just about the same amount of time, Rudy. When my brother fell very ill at the other end of the state my partner helped me all he could. An accident represented the "acute" phase, but also meant my brother was "incidentally diagnosed" with probable early Lewy's Dementia. During the acute stage, one week of hospitalization, and four weeks rehab I was first there WITH my partner helping with a whole mess of stuff, my bro's demolished truck and many other things, helping us get a Lawyer to draw up POA/Trust papers when my bro asked if I would handle all of his business affairs, bills, etc; my partner drove me around, helping get in a notary, shopping, giving his support, taking me out for meals and making me even laugh a bit.
The next steps for my brother involved deciding if he could remain home in small home with a lot of help, or go into ALF, and then, after the latter was the final choice/outcome, my partner helped me work through being Trustee of Trust and POA. I went back and forth, staying one to two weeks at a time. He let me do some of the back and forth on my own, but always told me "If you need me, call and I will be on the next flight".
We are of a certain age. I have to tell you that he, my partner, was NOTHING but helpful and supportive this ENTIRE time. Not once did he question my/our choices (my brother's and mine). Nor my choices.
For myself, with a much beloved brother, it was difficult NOT to say to myself "Why are you not staying HERE, in So. Cal. now, for the remainder of your bro's life, when he has always been Hansel to your Gretel, always the best man you ever knew, always been there for you". But the truth was I could not. I could have assisted my bro living more near ME, but the bay area is exhorbitantly expensive in terms of in- facility care, and living together would not have worked. We own a two flat and occupy a really quite small upper. Also, my bro didn't want to come "home" to the bay area; he had become a So Cal boy and his ex partner, friend was there in the same facility he eventually chose to move into after sale of his last home, with me helping.
So yes, I was OFTEN gone. Very busy. Negotiating a job I never could have imagined until I took it on as POA/Trustee, preoccupied and afraid. I was often afraid, pre-occupied, confused, and dreadfully dreadsully sad.
And in ALL of that time my partner was supportive to the inth degree.I will always be thankful for that. He would have done even MORE if I had allowed him. My Germanic control over billing, filing, record keeping, communications, made me take most of that on myself, but had I just asked, my partner was always offering his help.
Now my bro is gone. He died two years after all this, of Sepsis.
The fact that my domestic partner was so supportive to me has done nothing but strengthen my love, my respect and my contentment with my him.
So basically, you asked for my story. I know very little about yours; but you now have mine. I leave it there for any help that may be to you. My domestic partner and I started strong, ended even more strong. I will be grateful to him to the day I die.
Good luck to you and yours.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Sometimes you think that once the kids are grown it's all clear sailing until one of you gets sick, but it isn't. Elderly parents happen first.

Yes, it's hard, and yes, it's unexpected change with no end in sight, but you really need to be as supportive as possible. This is a terribly stressful time for your wife, and I'm sure she's doing the best she can.

I went with my dad to a fairly routine doctor's appointment, and the doctor told him "You have cancer -- I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do."

I didn't go home again for two months until I'd buried my dad and placed my mother in a nursing home. My husband called every night, and he'd come up on Sundays so we could all have dinner together. He brought me clothes, he'd make dinner and bring it on Sundays, and while I was gone he had the whole house painted inside -- a job I'd been dreading. In short, he allowed to focus 100% on the life-shattering changes in my family without worrying whether he was feeling neglected.

I think my husband knew I'd built up some credit for single-handedly keeping our house and family going in the years he was traveling for work. He stepped up when it mattered, and I hope you can, too.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I just returned to my own home last week after caring for my father (86) with latter-stage dementia for about 18 months. He had lived with my brother after my mother died but that became impossible after a year but I was able to step in,

My husband and I zoomed and called every day. Either I would go home or he would come up (FL to MI) about once a month. My siblings and my college-age kids filled those interims. We also had VA caregivers who came a couple days a week so I could get some free time then, too. Even with this support, as anyone living with Dementia knows, it is pretty difficult.

I know if my dad could understand, he would not have wanted me to leave my home in the first place, but it's still super sad and guilt inducing to hand over his care to others. Much like yourself, moving him down with me would mean the rest of the family would rarely see him plus we would have to pack up and move in order to accommodate his needs. We all agreed it was time for MC.

It was a lot like a military deployment. Coming off of it is a little weird and we are still readjusting. But for us, communication, communication, and knowing it would end eventually got us through. I hope you and your wife can find the way through, too.

Dementia NEVER gets easier, only harder and harder. And while it does seem like it never ends, we all know, sadly, that it does.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Riley2166 Feb 2022
One word of advice to all out there, based on a lifetime of experience. I will be 89 and have seen and done it all. If you are involved with someone who has dementia, you must know and see what they can and will do to you and a normal family - and there is no stopping it - it will get worse. NEVER, EVER LET THAT HAPPEN. Place them immediately where they are cared for and you can live your life as it is intended to be. They are GONE.
(0)
Report
My partner of 10 years and I have lived split lives for almost 3 years now. I live in Texas, he in South Carolina. He has a daughter in high school and an elderly parent close by so needs to stay where he is. It was not an option to move mom to SC. Mom is 87 has ALZ and slow progressing LGL leukemia and could no longer manage alone. I bought a house and moved here to help her navigate as I’m her POA and Executrix. My partner and I talk almost every night. I know he struggles hearing my exhaustion, frustration and exasperation over the phone. I make short trips back to SC when I can get others to stay with mom. He works from home so he comes to TX when he can make arrangements with his daughter in school and in his own situation. In all we probably spend 4 weeks a year together with most of that time in Texas. He supports me 100% and I him as well, in whatever way we can manage. That support changes form depending on the situation. Yes, it’s frustrating at times and really just flat hard at other times, but we love each other and get through it.
Mom just moved to Assisted Living this month so that may free up a little more travel/trips back and forth, but travel does get expensive. It’s a 16 hour drive, so it takes me two days by car. It’s at least a $500 plane ticket.
We know this is not our permanent situation, but we don’t know if this is our situation for the next 6 months or 10 years. We focus on one day at a time, try not to plan too far into the future, talk A LOT and stay committed to the end goal.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
AnnieOkie5 Feb 2022
Prayers for your family - you all are such a blessing .. sometimes love does involve sacrifice … you are very lucky to have each other!
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
My husband had to travel and be away from home for 2-3 weeks per month for 3 years of our marriage. I went with him for trips that were longer than 1 week. During that time, we lived in a rental home - which he never really got to spend any time in. I asked him to change jobs so we could be together more. He did.

Impacts:
He didn't get to develop relationships where I lived (since he really didn't live there).
Thankfully our children were grown and out of the house or it would have really impacted them.
I was really lonely... and a little afraid too. Every summer the homes in our area were broken into and people stole stuff. It was a good neighborhood.
We both started building our lives without the other person - not a good way to keep a relationship together.

If your spouse it travelling to help a senior, the better help may be to "help" him or her move closer to you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Same here. But the person was me. Find a neighbor or have them recommend someone from their church. That's what I did, and paid a retired lady to come in when I wasn't there. I hope that helps.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Hang in Rudy. I was the spouse who was "absent" for most of the time, caring for my Mom. My husband was my rock through all of it, although I know there were many lonely and frustrating days for him. We stopped going away on vacations, we spent free time apart 75% of the time, when I was home I was barely present. He remained supportive through it all, and I could not have done it all without his uncomplaining support. He was there carrying my Mom during her last week on earth, there for her last breath. It has made me love him more.
This time is a test of your love and support but it will not last forever. Right now you are the glue keeping your wife together. From prior posts, I see there are other siblings and that your MIL will soon be in a care facility, which will alleviate a good portion of your wife's time there. Slowly, you will both survive these emotionally & physically draining months. Eventually, you will both look back at this time and feel grateful and at peace with the journey, and the love that fueled it. God bless you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
AngelfromTheBay Feb 2022
I am an adult only child and only close relative of my aging mother. For the past few years, I have made myself available to assist my mother from finding her TV remote to being her personal Locksmith when she locks herself out of her car and home which is more often. I made extra keys to everything. (This is handy)

I am her personal assistance, admin, accountant, butler, housekeeper, gourmet chef, handyman, laundry man, dog caretaker, therapist, punching bag, mat and the endless list goes on.

I juggle work, hobbies, home life, my own life issues and more. I can honestly say it would be harder to wear as many hats as I do, perform at a high level and go through life as easy as I do without the support of my kind, supportive, intelligent, selfless, career professional lady & best friend I call wife of 24 wonder years. It would be almost impossible.

My wife’s support is Priceless to me. The thought would never enter her mind to question “Why?” or “How come?”.

I make sure my wife knows she is valued, respected, appreciated and loved. My wife adores the ground I walk on and has a love for my mother simply for giving Me life. She would never say (unless I asked her) but the one thing I know that bothers her the most is my mother’s unappreciation for all the things I do for her.

She’s ill with multiple mental illnesses. Major depression, Narcissism, Borderline personality disorder with multiple mood swing, the beginning of dementia and who knows what else?

My wife see’s the change in me after I return home from helping my mother out. She knows my mother has verbally abused me. That’s the only issue. I can tell, my wife senses it and gives me a long warm hug as she says to me “I am a good person”, and she appreciates and loves me.

She says, “I’m doing a good job; it says a lot about the person you are”. After I hear my wife’s loving voice and warm embrace, it melts all my disappointment away.

I say to all of you who’s “Other half” is being their aging parents Caretaker to be as supportive, understanding and patient as you can. You will never understand what We the Caregiver is going through, mentally. Our plate is beyond full.

~To those going through this difficult time. Keep doing what you’re doing. It says a lot about who you are as a person and it won’t be forever, and may I suggest prayer, as this too helps.

Should it become way too much for you mentally & physically there are many organizations out there that can assist with caring for your aging parent in their own home, this can give you a much-needed break.

Angel from The Bay
(1)
Report
RudyNJ: I originally came to this forum eight years ago. My late mother was adamant about living alone seven states away from me despite my pleadings and proposals for her to relocate. All of those conversations went unheeded by her when she verbalized "I'm so glad that I stayed in my own home." That left us with a real dilemma, since my mother was a legally blind woman with AFib, CHF, U.T.I. and arthritis living alone in another state. It came to a crisis situation when her blood pressure dramatically plummeted, requiring me to leave my husband, my family, my home and my life and move in with her when I was ALREADY an elder myself with my own needs that had to come to a FULL STOP because of my late mother's inexorability. I do not advocate this.
My mother suffered a life ending ischemic stroke during the time that I lived with her. My DH and I then had to market and sell her home and devise a plan for many of the things that must be achieved, such as fully empty the house, plan for a friend's husband to routinely monitor the vacant home as well as plan and hold my mother's funeral.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I can honestly say it does take a toll on your spouse. I spend 2 weeks out of every month at my moms house. I have been doing it for over 5 years. My husband of 30 years has tried to be supportive, but my mom has dementia and by the time I come back home I’m totally drained. The past year has been very hard, we can never make plans and when we do I’m just so tired I don’t even want to do anything. It’s not fair to him at all. It’s not fair to my children either, yes I’m only a phone call away but their mother should be home with them. Out of guilt I have continued to do this after my dad passed. But I am emotionally, physically and mentally burnt out. I have POA, and I will be having a talk with my mom when I go back over. She needs to go to a memory care facility. I just can’t keep this up. It’s not fair to the other spouse, because it’s only a matter of time before the marriage breaks down, which is what is happening at the moment to mine. I have no choice anymore. It’s not sustainable long term. Don’t make the same mistake I did. The hard truth is the only way it will end will be to put her in a facility.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
RudyNJ Feb 2022
Thank you for the honest response. If I can ask you a question - what do you see as your visitation schedule, assuming you get your Mom into a memory care facility?
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Woman here. I'm in this now. I left Dec 19th and thought I'd be back on Dec 27. I'm still trapped 8 states away. It sucks.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter