Hello!! My dad is in the hospital again and this is the 43rd time since 2019. This time, he fell trying to move from the toilet to his scooter. He can't stand and hasn't walked in years. He lives in a studio apartment in a retirement home, and has no money to move anywhere else. This is the third time since 2019 that he has fallen from trying to move from bed/toilet to the scooter but insists that he is ok and can handle himself. I am at my wits end and don't know where to turn because he argues with me every time I mention that he needs around the clock care. I expect that he is starting to develop dementia because of the unnecessary outbursts when anyone tries to help him.
In any case, since he will be in the hospital for at least 30 days, I thought this would be a good time to go into his apartment and clean. I haven't been in there since the pandemic started and let's just say, that I need a respiratory mask to be able to get through the front door and clean his fridge. I can't let him go back to the deplorable living conditions that he has set for himself.
So my question is, does anyone know of any support groups for a "care giver" like me in Connecticut. I have no other family who can help and I need a place I can turn to and get advice and support. Thanks for your help in advance.
https://portal.ct.gov/AgingandDisability/Content-Pages/Topics-A-Z/Area-Agencies-on-Aging
It sounds like he needs a professional "needs assessment" to determine the level of care his condition warrants.
If you are his PoA I would read your document to see if authority is springing or durable. Springing usually requires 1 or 2 medical diagnosis of impairment. Durable is "rolling" so that no diagnosis is required. Request the hospital give him a cognitive and memory test so that it's in his medical records (not sure if his regular physician would go there to do it). Taking pictures of his apartment is smart. I'm assuming that him being in the hospital for 30 days means he will actually be in rehab? After rehab uou can arrange to have him go directly into a facility to live. The question is whether your PoA is active. He seems like a candidate for LTC, which is "good" news since most state's Medicaid pays for this 100%.
So, if you have active DPoA you should figure out what his financial resources are. Based on what you find, if he has enough funds to enter a nice facility on private pay for even a few months, make sure this place accepts Medicaid AND has open beds. When he runs out of money you can apply for Medicaid and he can remain in the facility. He will receive the same care and attention as other privately paying residents, but most likely will be moved to a shared room.
Mm. Three little letters that cause such terrible upset. "Let" him.
It isn't for you to let him, or to stop him. Your father is a grown adult, free to make his own idiotic decisions and chuck himself round the room and end up in hospital AGAIN.
This Is Not Your Decision To Make.
More comfortingly, the consequences of his decisions, which he properly makes for himself, are therefore Not Your Responsibility.
I do note that you are beginning to suspect dementia, but "unnecessary outbursts when anyone tries to help him" - depending on the scene - could equally well be irritation with being (as he might see it) lectured, or pain if somebody is physically handling or supporting him unawares. If that's the only concern you're a long way from a declaration of incompetence.
One thing you could do is check that he has access to prompt assistance when he does call for it - all of the systems are working properly as agreed for his level of need, are they? You could also ask for an OT to review his living space and recommend additional falls prevention measures - maybe he needs different layouts or adaptations if his mobility has deteriorated.
I'm sorry about the smelly fridge. You'll probably find a prawn sandwich died in it a month ago, or something head-spinning like that. I'm getting gradually hardened to this kind of thing, and nowadays it's not what people have in their fridges that worries me nearly as much as what they're prepared to *eat.* We can advise, we can recommend, we can explain risks and concerns, but if the client doesn't give a monkey's that the Best Before date was February and won't agree to open the new packet... all I can do is serve the food and thank God I don't have to eat it. (Use By dates are different - we can't stop a client eating expired produce, but we can refuse to prepare it).
Explain that he is not safe living on his own and you need help finding a place that would be appropriate.
If he has a doctor that is seeing him while he is in the hospital see if at least preliminary testing can be done for dementia since you suspect that.
The Social Worker and the doctor can recommend rehab so that he can get some strength back (if that is possible) and learn how to properly transfer himself so he does not fall, or at least minimize the falls and learn how to "fall safely". (I say minimize falls because they do and will happen, another fact of life)
If he is referred to rehab you can ask there what support groups they have on site. If there is dementia you can contact the Alzheimer's Association they have Support Groups. Most Senior Centers will also have lists of support groups. You can check with your local church or place of worship if they have lists of groups.
If your dad is a Veteran please contact either the VA or your local Veterans Assistance Commission depending on where and when dad served the VA might provide a little help or a LOT.