My 83 year old mother is in the late middle stage of Alzheimer’s. She has had a live in caregiver for 8 months. Her paranoia is increasing and she complains constantly about the caregiver (she doesn’t like me, she won’t talk to me) and has recently added yelling, pushing and swatting to the list of complaints. We have cameras in the house and I spend 4 days there weekly. I’m confident this is not occurring. I understand in her reality this is happening. I’m looking for how to handle this. Out of all the frustration that goes along with caring for someone with Alzheimer’s, this is the most difficult for me to cope with. Everything I’ve read says to go along with it, connect with the feelings. I feel like I’m feeding the fire. My mother has always been a negative, no one likes me, type of person. When I connect with these feelings she ramps up the accusations. She’s very difficult to distract or redirect. Helpful suggestions, please!
You know that what your mother describes is not happening in reality. You know for a fact that the caregiver is not handling your mother roughly or unkindly.
Of what you observe, what could your mother be interpreting or later recollecting in this way? It could be that by working constructively with the caregiver, the two of you could find subtle alterations in routine, or words, or touch, or use different signals and conversation pathways, that would help to alter your mother's perceptions.
At the very least, the caregiver deserves your support in handling your mother so that she knows that whatever your mother says to you, she the caregiver has your trust and full confidence. So if you haven't addressed the issue with her, do so. Make absolutely certain that the caregiver understands that there is no suggestion that her care is being called into question, but that you are looking for ways to reassure your mother and reduce her negative feelings.
And, of course, it's equally possible that the caregiver hears constantly that you are a wicked ungrateful child who has abandoned her mother, and is equally aware that that isn't true either! A mutually supportive relationship between the two of you would be an excellent outcome for your mother as well as both of you.
I would at least believe partly what your mom is saying.
I went thru the same thing with my 95 yr old Dad that has 24 hr Care in his own home going on 7 months now.
Of course the Caregivers are Angels in front of you.
But, being with a needy person 24 7 can and will ware out the best.
I started checking on my Dad throughout the day and night at random times, especially between midnight and 4 AM. When my Dad had an allergy breakout and was itching all the time and couldn't sleep.
My Dad basically stays in his Recliner 24 7 except to go to the table to eat his meals.
Sonetime he'll lay in his bed an hour or two but he seems to be more comfortable in his recliner.
I had to talk to the Caregivers many times about things they were and were not doing like...
Masking my Dad stay in his bed when he would say his back was hurting and to please take him back to his recliner, so I told them they are being paid to be there for my Dad and to do whatever he wants to do as long as it wasn't hurting himself or others.
They wouldn't talk to him and many times just not even answering him when he would ask for something. I did the same thing to them when I came over for a minute. Then told them see, how rude it is not to answer my Dad... I said if he wants you to rub his back because it itches, at least he the courtesy to answer him even if the answer is no. But I said it wouldn't hurt yo to rub his back a little once in a while during your shift that if my Dad could do it himself he would and it is pure he'll to be itching and not be able to scratch.
Grab or Slap at his hands when he was fooling with his catheter tube or scratching himself so I told them to Never Ever Touch Him Again.
Being too rough with him when cleaning him up and since they had him in his bathroom with the door closed, I couldn't see anything, just hear my Dad saying to stop, It hurts, don't be so rough, etc. After several times of that, I added a camera to his Bathroom.
They wouldn't give him food between meals when he asked for it so I told them that Dad is like a baby, he sleeps and eats thru out the day and to give him a snack like a breakfast bar and milk, yogurt, applesauce whatever anytime he says he's hungry that it certainly wouldn't hurt as he could use some weight put on him.
The absolute best thing I did was install the Nest Camera and just randomly tune in at all different times day and night and then you'll probably see that their is some truth in what your mom is saying.
There are good Caregivers out there but there are also not so good to even bad ones.
You'll need to at least weed the bad ones out.
Mare sure
34 years ago, Mum's best friend was diagnozed with early onset ALZ, in her late 50's. Within 5 years she was calling to police because she did not recognize her husband. She took a knife to him one day too. So paranoia is a very serious issue that needs to be dealt with.
these things happen so quickly... it’s a moment and hard to catch on camera unless you’re *really* looking. ‘Helping’ someone walk turns into a small push from behind. Deliberately getting shampoo in their eyes. Being rough during diaper changes/personal care.
Even nastier things that are more deliberate aren’t always visible. Food prep just off camera includes an added step of spitting into it so the senior can see - but you can’t- then coming into camera and trying to feed them.
The knowledge of the cameras was less of a preventative than we believed.
The thing is, once it happens in a moment of frustration, and it’s gotten away with- the individual thinks a) either they aren’t checking the cameras often or b) they saw it and don’t care
and even if asked, confronted outright- they think either a) they aren’t paying attn to the cameras b) maybe cameras are just for show c) cameras are only on periodically and they haven’t seen it yet
(this is the biggie) e) they are in denial or want to be in denial- they want to be able to say they asked
theres even- ‘I’ll be more careful’ - for a little while. Then it happens again.
lots on this subject actually, we weren’t alone:
https://www.frameworksinstitute.org/assets/files/elder_abuse_mtg_report_formatted_final.pdf
maybe it isn’t happening. Maybe it is. Unless you watch every day, solid - you don’t know.
1: Mother has moderate Alzheimers & is prone to story telling & paranoia
2: The OP has cameras installed and hasn't seen any problems occurring on film.
3: The OP spends 4 days a week at her mother's home and sees no abuse going on with this live in care giver.
I doubt the OP is asking what she should do about the care giver here...........but what to do about her mother who is inventing troublesome stories about the care giver, as people with Alzheimer's often, very often, do.
To the OP, if you feel safe and secure with this care giver in your home because you're comfortable with her and all the precautions you've taken, then I would sit down for a chat with her. Perhaps the two of you can devise a plan to deal with mother and her predisposition to story-telling. Is the care giver upset? Or does she just brush it all off to the woman's disease?
If the care giver is okay with your mother's behavior & accusations, I'd just give your mother a platitude like "that's unfortunate, I'm sorry to hear it, I will speak with her about it." Just keep repeating those same lines whenever your mom complains. If you can divert her attention to something else, food is usually an excellent deterrent for my mother, then that would be ideal. If not, just sympathize with her........that's all you can do.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this............it's a lot to deal with, I know.
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