Someone please help me. My mom has Alzheimers and my one sister cared for her for 2 years. She had a full time job and lives in an enormous house. This past October, my mom began living withbme because my sister reached the end of her rope. I was divorced in 2006 and suffered a nervous breakdown after a failed suicide attempt, where I had flattened twice enroute to the hospital. Because of this, I lost my children. In 2009, we began re-establishing a relationship through much family therapy and time together. Two years ago, I asked my mom for some money so I could move back to the town where my children lived, and she co-signed on some credit cards for me so I could purchase furniture, mattresses and bedding, etc. I rental 3 bedroom condo, where, until my mom moved in, my son and daughter enjoyed visiting. My ex was only willing to "allow" me 50/50 time if I agreed to cease his alimony payments to me...to which I refused for 2 reasons: 1. I simply Gaby afford to NOT have this money (i should mention that I pay $1000 monthly for child support that be used for luxury cars and expensive trips for himself and his new wife, etc), and 2) I simply cannot comprehend having to, essentially, PAY to see my children! THEY wanted to ne withbme....and I wanted to be with THEM.....
That is, until a few months ago. I had started working with a lawyer to go to court to have this increased time with my children approved. Then my mom moved in. She has Alzheimers....and being with her 24/7 is putting such a profound stress on me, personally AND my relationship with Caitlin (age 14) and Brendan (age10) that I find myself shaking uncontrollably 80% of the time. My depression is back....full force. There have been too many incidents to lost, but ill give a few. My mother constantly berates and yells, puts us down, yells my children to "shut the hell up, stupid!", undresses herself, throws objects at me (not the kids), wanders around all night to the point my children no longer sleep in their bedrooms....they sleep on the floor in places "nana can't find us" (ie, under the dining room table, the corner of the sunroom, etc). My mom recently screamed at my daughters friends when they were laughing in another room...and she wouldn't stop....there was just NO diffusing the situation.....
My children return to my ex's house emotionally and physically tired.....with red eyes from crying.
Because of these things (and those are just a few of many)...my ex has told me no judge would increase my time....because it is an abusive household. The thing is....it IS!!! I am so distraught over this. My children recently told me they don't want to be here anymore.
I have lost my children. I have lost my life.
There are so many other things I could mention like my mom screaming at the neighbors, starting a fire, damaging a wall, stomping around (where the neighbors called the Police).....etc. I live in a condo and my neighbors lives are suffering as well! The Condo Association has me on "a warning" to "turn these situations around".
Because my sister had my mom for 2 years, she wont even take my mom for a week so I can try to recoup. I have been told that I stole from my mom because of the credit card bills and this isbmy time to redeem myself. I used every penny to build a home for my children who now refuse to live with me.
I absolutely cannot afford a nursing home or medical help......after my disability check and alimony, I pay my rent and utilities and have approximately $200 leftover for monthly expenditures. Thank god for food stamps, which I receive. My sister has power of attorney over my mom and provides me with $100 per month for her care....but when something like a fire happens, and I have to replace a wall, I'm at a deficit.
Honestly....I don't care about anything other than the fact that I've lost my kids and I won't live without them again.
Somebody.....please help me.
Your sister came to "the end of her rope" trying to care for your mother with dementia. So mother came to live with you. WHAT WERE YOU AND YOUR SISTER THINKING?!! This poor person with dementia is beyond the point where she can live in a private home with one caretaker, and you thought you could/should handle her? Wow. I can't imagine what made you think this could work, but now everyone knows beyond a doubt that it cannot work. This is not because you are flawed or your mother is evil. It is because your mother is very sick and even though you are brave and strong, her care is beyond you.
So, the first thing that has to happen is to get mother into a professional care setting, where people are trained to deal with her outbursts, and no one has to deal with her for more than one working shift at a time.
I'm afraid if I were your ex-spouse I would not allow the children to visit you in your home with Mother there. I would insist on visits elsewhere, and no overnights. I can't imagine a judge allowing children to stay where they have to sleep under a table to hide from someone in the house. And yet you can be a good parent. You deserve to have extended contact with your children, and they deserve to have you in their life, in a safe, nonabusive environment.
Of course you can't afford professional care for Mother. It is not your responsibility to pay your mother's way. As POA your sister needs to figure out the finances here. Can Mother afford professional care out of her own assets/income? If not, Sister has to get the ball rolling and get Mother qualified for aid, such as Medicaid. I hope Sister will be cooperative about this. If not, get Social Services involved. It is absolutely not appropriate for your mother to be living with you.
The first thing that HAS to happen is to correct the bad mistake of bringing Mother in to live with you. Your sister couldn't handle it and neither should you be expected to. You deserve better.
The same strength and courage you've shown in the past will see you through this nightmare. You can once again turn your life around and be a healthy, loving, nurturing mother. You can also be a loving daughter, to a mother who is in a setting that can better handle her current impairments.
Please come back and tell us what you are doing and how it is working out for you. I sincerely care.
Jeannegibbs: I'm just having a difficult time jumping from your kindness to your words that seem to berate me. Things like "what were you thinking.....you thought you could handle her? wow." are hurtful words, but I'll try to explain. My sister has an enormous house--three levels--and though my mom was living there, I don't think that in the 2 years she DID live there, my sister ever spent a few hours (let alone 24 hours) straight with my mom. Being that she lives 2 hours away, I was there for parties and occassional overnights....and had NO idea of the extent regarding my mother's care. I knew she had her aggitated moments....but did NOT know to what degree they occurred. Again, please just know that your other words were so helpful, and I DO understand that you are trying to help.
We have no money for help. I have no idea what my mother gets from the State, and do not know if there are any alternatives available. But I WILL look into it.
Thank you both so very much for the suggestions......you remain in my thoughts, as well!
You haven't lost your children and they don't love you any less. Until you take responsibility for the toxicity that clearly starts and ends with you, there won't be any light at the end of the tunnel and everyone around you will suffer. ... BTW, your mom seems to be the only one fighting you back. Why is that?
I wish you and your family all the best. But, Please do this now. You are sitting on a ticking time bomb.
You can live with a calmed down Mother and get paid to do it. No one owes us an inheritence, her money is for her care and you will be doing the care. You also can put her in a Nursing Home regardless, they will take all her money and she will be taken care of. My Mom is in late stages alzheimers and she will be with me forever, but in a case like yours, I do agree you need help or to place her. You Mom does not mean to yell, her mind is like a tornado of confusion and she is lost and scared, she needs medication before it gets worse and she leaves your house and takes off. One thing at a time, you, her, and deal with your sister. Your POA sister might be her Health Care Proxy person also, and if so, its up to her to solve this issue. Seems like she had your mom during the easier time of the disease and then shipped her off to you. You can have a caretakers contract made up for you to get paid from your Moms estate, or pension or SS, but you ALSO need to HIRE someone so YOU have a few days off a week. No one cal do it alone without help and even if you dont want to get paid, you need days off, especially in your state of mind .Breathe Deep, you can do this, baby steps...
Not to upset you but I can understand how the children must be viewing things...and they are confused. Remember how it was when you were little ...how we always felt that we out foxed the adults and how we could so easily pick up on their energy as to whether things were OK or not. I know I always knew the right time to ask for things...how about you? Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for...I feel that for them you are the most important thing and when you are upset it upsets them. I am sure they love you very much..and that is all going to work. I truly do not see how you could take care of small children and also your mother. Just taking care of my mother almost killed me...From my perspective I think you might want to work toward your own vibrant health (taking care of you).
We all want to be supportive of you. If you just want to rant a little with out us offering any advice, etc. Just say the word...and that is OK too. My heart goes out to you because I know that we cannot any of us really know the pain that you are feeling with this stress and then being separated from you children...but try to make the best of seeing them when you can and make it fun for them. I know you can do it...you are a brave one. I admire your courage. Find something exciting to get into!!!! I just said a little prayer for you that things will work out for your highest good. I know that things will work out...Much love and blessings to you brave girl~Bobbi
Having read your story and the suggestions that have been given, as a pastor as well as a hospital chaplain in a large inner city hospital since 1976 until my recent retirement, I have had some experience with your situation. I have some possible suggestions for you.
First, Your priorities are you and the kids. You have come to the point that you have given all the love and help you can to Mom. We are now at a crossroads where some concrete safe decisions need to be undertaken now. These need to be done not just for your mom, but for you and the kids and restore as much normalcy to the family.
I would suggest that you contact an elder lawyer and your local and state dept. of social services for help. They have a tremendous number of resources to make availble to you and your mom. Her/Your Dr. may be of assistance. Dumping her in a ED Room or on your sister's doorstep are not solutions. They will, backfire and you will be in worst shape than before. You have certainly shown your love and dedication to your mom and want the best for her, but it is now time for others skilled and equipped to meet the demanding needs of mom. You have, in fact done a wonderful job in the caring for her.
To me, she certainly sounds like she needs to be in an assisted living or skilled nursing home experience in the caring of her needs. If she becomes abusive or violent to you or the kids if they are present, you should call 991 for medical assistance. She can be then taken to a hospital and evaluated physically and mentally. If required she, I believe, can be what is called 2PC'd (two doctor's agreeing that she is a danger to herself and/or others.) she then can be held for 72 hours for further evaluation and resolution for her well being.
I hope this helps. Please don't put off getting help. Greener Days are coming.
Carol
A family of six siblings I am the last one, and yes so on the verge. She will probably kill me with the stress of it, before she dies. And will be clueless. What what did I do? I hibernate downstairs to avoid her real nice no windows per say, my kid keeps a wind machine going 24/7 so she isn't hearing her. My kid has to be at bus stop by 6:15 am for school I get up at 5:00 am but mother has no problem waking us up all nite, I am to the point sign her house over, let Medicaid have her house, She was a big stress in my marriage breakup anyway. She's at the point says hateful stuff all the time does nothing but complain so much so NO one else wants to be around her. So I am now to the point Love you MOm but actually the mom I know is no longer here. I seriously doubt if I choose that to go ahead and turn her over She would even know. She calls an ambulance every chance she can get. I hear from day sitter, what should I do? I tell her let her go, I'll pick her up on my way home from work. We have now figured it out., I can have a "relative" friend call and say they are the Dr's office or hosp or ambulance , and tell her the same thing we were told by her real DR's etc. I don't know, I just think I have been doing this so long it has sucked my happy go lucky perosona, on top of my DH having his surgery and becoming Full time disabled, and check this he filed the divorce, WOW, Ok
It is what it is. Thanks for letting me vent Hugs to all
What resources does your mother have besides the house? Are you and your daughter living in her house?
You can call your sister and tell her it is time for other arrangements immediately or the next time Mother explodes call 911 and have her removed to a hospital sitting. When it is time to be released if your sister is not around, please advise the social worker that you are unable to care for your Mother at home and they will make whatever arrangements necessary. Most hospitals do not allow patients of this nature to be released before the social worker determines the home sitting they are returning to.
There should be no guilt involved you have done all you can. It is now time to get control of your life and provide the safe, caring environment you and your children deserve. God bless and best wishes to all of you!