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My mom is 75 and lives alone. She’s always been fiercely independent and prides herself on being the expert on most every topic. In recent years she has become very angry around holidays/birthdays - and mostly everything. Her birthday has been an issue and very tricky to navigate. She had said never to get her gifts or do a celebration. Thinking she was being bashful, we have made several attempts at honoring her day.



Several years ago she wanted to volunteer on her birthday so we had everyone show up with a gift to surprise her. She yelled at the people as they gave her gifts. Including a four year old.



In spring 2020 during the stay at home order for Covid (she’s high risk), we did one of those parade things but instead we had everyone drop off a garden plant/flower (she was really into gardening). She screamed at me that we threw her a funeral. This screaming went on for weeks. She has referenced it through the years as something we purposely did to be mean.



Almost all gifts we give her she refuses
to accept. She usually leaves them behind if we have celebrated away from her house. She often will refuse to even take them in her hands and says things like I don’t need that. Give it to someone who does.



So this year was her 75th. She said to do nothing. Under no circumstances should we do anything. She was volunteering the day before, so we tried to set up a cupcake thing. Her friends said she told them she wanted nothing done. Nothing at all. She was very insistent. I decided it was probably best to respect her feelings and just wish her a happy birthday. She refused to answer calls and texts. It got to the point of concern that she was sick. She wasn’t.



Now she has spent the past week telling everyone she can that my kids and I purposely ignored her birthday. I’m really confused by this behavior. It feels like no matter what choice we make, it’s wrong. Party is wrong. Gifts are wrong. Nice wishes are wrong. Letting the day be quiet is wrong. I feel very badly. Every birthday I feel badly no matter what we have done/not done.



Can anyone shed light on this? It’s just getting worse and we are out of ideas here.

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Beach flower, I recommend that you look up gaslighting. This is the behavior your mom is displaying.

I would straight out confront her about talking crap when you finally honored her wishes. Tell her what she is doing is gross and she will cause people to walk away by creating no win situations. Her choice and her consequences.

I tried for years to get my mom to leave holidays alone, not because I don't enjoy them but, she made a farce out of them and that ruined them for me.

You don't have to dance to her tune.
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Thanks to Barb and Lea for pointing out that Mom was ALSO unhappy when her wishes were obeyed, and that she complained "to others".

My advice would be a lovely card and nothing else. Absolutely NOTHING else. If Mom wishes to complain to others all day about her abusive kids, perhaps that's just the gift she actually wants. As to what others think? I can't see that this matters whatsoever.

As to shedding light? My guess is that Mom wishes to be unhappy, and there's little to be done about it. Goodness knows you've tried.
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BarbBrooklyn Jun 2023
Alva, did you miss the fact that this year, they DID respect her wishes? And this happened--

"Now she has spent the past week telling everyone she can that my kids and I purposely ignored her birthday. I’m really confused by this behavior. It feels like no matter what choice we make, it’s wrong."
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While my mother has always been the type who needs to be angry about something (especially being the victim of a slight), I did notice two times when anger seemed to be her only emotion. The first time occurred about 30 years ago during which I wrote a letter with specific examples to doctor. She was soon diagnosed with depression, and meds did help. Although still on antidepressants, her anger began to grow slowly and steadily again about 15 years ago. She’d anger easily and became fixated (daily hours of ranting) about slights by long-dead extended family. At the same time she started to display cognitive decline. For the past 5 years her anger has grown again and, as she has forgotten most family, it is directed towards me on the days that she recognizes me. She is now in care and the home uses meds (when needed) to calm her rages. I do think some people just love to complain, feel wronged and make others feel bad. But depression and dementia may be magnifying her behaviour.
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If mom hasn't been tested for dementia yet, I strongly suggest she get tested asap. This type of behavior reeks of either mental illness or dementia and isn't normal at all. Think of how you process your birthday and gifts given to you by others, and the chaos your mother is wreaking over hers.....for no good reason......and that tells you there's a breakdown mentally going on somewhere. Here is a couple of links to articles with signs of dementia to look out for:
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/health/info-2019/dementia-warning-signs.html

https://www.healthcentral.com/slideshow/10-warning-signs-of-alzheimers?ap=800&kw=dementia&mt=b&aid={campaignname}&sec={adgroupname}&gclid=CjwKCAjw4ZWkBhA4EiwAVJXwqbd7Grx-vDvOfh7Ex0PD_DyP5x6WcQwcPt5uku8Tb-Ycs1tpzljHCRoCphMQAvD_BwE

Knowledge is power. Get mom evaluated asap so you'll know what you're dealing with and what type of care she requires moving forward.

Best of luck to you.
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You don't provide much other info (like: do you live near your Mom? If not, do any of your siblings?) Is anyone her DPoA?

Does she have any history of diagnosed mental illness?I'm just wondering if this is the only weird/inexplicable thing she does?

Does she show any other signs of memory impairment or inappropriate behavior?Does she take any prescription meds (for pain, sleep, another diagnosed condition)? I'm asking because she could be over- or under-medicating herself.

When you wrote, "It’s just getting worse..." are you saying only the birthday thing is getting worse? Or are there other things she is doing?

Really without this other information it will be hard to give you any guidance other than interviewing someone who interacts with her the most (like a neighbor or friend) to see if she is being weird on other fronts. A medical check-up may be the place to start... if you can get her there. And there are strategies for this as well, so write back if you need to know what that is.

Very distressing for you... I wish you all the best in finding answers.
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That's not normal behavior. But you know that already....

She needs to be evaluated for cognitive issues. Anger and paranoia are some of the first indications of dementia. There may be meds that could help her.

Also, since her behavior is upsetting to you and others, limit contact. I think you're all doing too much, and it puts you in the line of fire anyway. She'll probably get mad if people are no longer paying attention to her, but at least you won't have to listen. Turn off your phone. If you feel you must do something to honor "her" day, send her a card and don't show up in person.

I have a friend, an RN, who has become like this over the past five years. It's really bad now, and her family knows it won't get better. She's lost her family and friends due to the kind of things you're describing with your mother. It's the overall conclusion that there's nothing to do to help her if she won't be helped. It's avoid, avoid, avoid. Sad, but her daughter, also an RN, says the next time she hears from her will likely be from the hospital ER after she's somehow hurt herself.

Yes, it does come to that. Protect yourself for now, and good luck.
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I would be completely baffled too. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, so I would suggest that you do as you wish to do.

If this is relatively new behavior I would be inclined to believe that there is some sort of cognitive decline.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this disturbing behavior with your mom. I hope that you can find out what the underlying causes of her behavior and resolve the issue so that you are able to live in harmony.
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People who REALLY don't want "fuss"on their birthdays arrange to be out of town. I've done that since 2001.

It's really effective. You might suggest it to you mom. Call her on the actual day day and leave it at that.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
I’m the same way. I have never wanted a waiter, family or friends singing a goofy happy birthday tune at a restaurant on my birthday! 🤣 Not sure if I would like a surprise party either.

I did enjoy celebrating my birthday as a child, but now it isn’t a big deal to me. I’m with you. It’s more fun to pick something that is fun to do on our own or with a small group of family or friends.

I have funny memories of when I was a waitress as a teenager in an Italian restaurant.

Lots of people would have birthday dinners at the restaurant. Some even brought a cake and presents with them.

Some of the guests at the restaurant loved it and others despised all of the hoopla!

I have a cousin that starts reminding us of her birthday months in advance! LOL 😆 She loves a big celebration every year.

Whatever floats your boat. I don’t care what people do as long as they are satisfied.
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Sounds like she'll use any excuse to complain in order to get attention, toddler style.
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Telling whom that you and your kids purposely ignored her birthday? Anyone who doesn't know her? Anyone you know and care about?

And what has she said to you about it?

The thing is. I would have taken issue with your previous approach of ignoring - in fact, actively going against - her stated no gift no fuss policy. Now you say she's telling everyone you [cruelly, is the implication] ignored her. Are you sure that's what she is actually saying?
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