I'm having second & third thoughts now that I've decided my husband should go to assisted living. How do I make peace with this decision?

I agree with "Cattails". Most AL's have a fairly flexible policy of being able to give a 14 or 30 day notice (depending on your state) if you make the decision at any point that it isn't working out. Look at this as a respite stay for you and your husband then take it day by day. It does normally take 30-45 days before you/he will start to see and feel the benefit of how it will work long term. There will be a period of adjustment for both of you so hang in there during that time. I have found the best way to get over the hump is to stay involved, be a part of his life in his new "home" but take advantage of not being a caregiver and just be his wife. Good luck and best wishes - Wendy

Actually, if he comes home, it's lose-lose. He would not be getting the care he really needs, and you would be on-call 24/7...and the situation would shorten your life. Stay focused. Stop feeling guilty. Aging is not for the faint-hearted. You've made a very difficult but necessary decision...And as Cattails said, no decision is concrete. I say, nothing is forever except death and taxes. Best.

No decision is in concrete. Do what you think is best for now. Cattails.

I am a Medical Social Worker specializing in Home Health Care.This agonizing decision is one that I deal with frequently with the Families I work with. Most of us do not want to leave our homes and nor would we choose to do so. However, when the best, most appropriate care of the Patient, (and this is the bottom line), requires it, then it is essential. The Patient must go be where he or she will receive appropriate, skilled care from those who have been trained to give it, and who have the experience to do so without injuring themselves or the Patient. Our emotions are NOT the primary concern in spite of our feelings. They must be over come in the best needs of the Patient. Most of us would not want to even move in with a much loved relative, let alone go to a strange elder care facility. However, unless you have unlimited funds to arrange for around the clock care and visits from people such as an OT, PT, Nurse, Dietician, Home Health Aides, Psychologist, or other professionals, then you should not attempt to care for him at home. You cannot lift him up from the floor, you cannot manage his physical therapy, deal with his moods if he has cognitive problems or is combative, cannot lift him into a tub or cut his toenails safely. You will not be able to help him onto the toilet safely or stop him from wandering if he has cognitive issues. It may require a Village to rear a child, but it certainly requires one to care for an Elder with physical and/or cognitive problems. I highly recommend you go to this website http://thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf and read Byron Katie's Little Book and buy the CD's "Your Inner Awakening". They will enable you to deal with this very difficult decision while maintaining your own inner peace. Do visit the Facility and choose one where you can visit often. Take your sternest critic with you to help choose. Ask for the help of the hospital social worker to explain to your husband why he has to go to a facility where he will receive the care he needs. The Social Worker can also explain why you cannot provide that care alone. Visit him as often as you can. Form a close relationship with his caregivers. Be an advocate for him. But allow the experts to care for him for as long as you can possibly afford it. At the very least, you can use the time to have them train you in his care so that you can possibly taking him home someday. But you cannot do that alone. And you will need all sorts of help that you cannot even anticipate at this time. Do use the Work of Byron Katie. It will be a lifesaver for you and enable you do deal with any criticism or comments you get. It will enable you to calm your own fears and guilt and stop second guessing yourself. It will help you deal with your husband's fears and doubts. You will be in my prayers.

Agree with CandyKane57. I had serious hesitation about bringing my grandmother home from SNF. Long story short, family felt it best for her mental outlook. She fell again within 24 hours because she will not use her walker consistently. I told her I cannot provide the care she needs if she won't follow through with using the walker. Now I can't get her to go to assisted living. She's racked off a number of threats she'd carry out if I put her "in a home". I wish I hadn't brought her back.

It sounds to me like your husband is used to having his way and I think that part of the problem is he cannot let go of the dominant role he has lived for most of his adult life. In other words he is an Alpha Male who still believes he can wear you and others down. This kind of personality must be approached with the truth; maybe shown the truth-comply or this is where you will end up. I too suffer from mild dementia and or Alsheimers and take Aricept and go to counseling twice a month. I also see a psychiatrist about every six months. Because of visual problems I was told I cannot drive. Believe me, that hurt. I rebelled at first until my children made it clear that it isn't my life I am endangering but the lives of my daughters and grandchildren. If his dementia has advanced to the point he will not or cannot understand then his physician: Neurologist, Primary Care, Psychologist, counselors etc., are not understanding that he wil not comply. They are leaving it up to you to decide his fate and I find this hard to swallow.
What are you telling his physicians? Are you telling them doc: He says he is going to drive with or without your blessing. That shifts the decision off of you and places it on them. You are saying: If he were home he would demand to drive! But have you tried it? Give the man a chance. Before you have him committed at least see if he will comply. It is hard for some men to admit they will comply. They will even brag that they will not and will go to the Mall whenever they want and so on. Since I complied I rather enjoy sitting in the back seat now with my grand children. I actually feel better letting go of the reiins. But I resisted at first. Boy do I remember arguing with my counselors and I had a Palliative care Psychologist with a PHD and he set me straight in one session. He laid it all out to me. Your children are grown and they love you but if you are going to act like a child they will treat you like one but if you act like a criminal you will be treated like a criminal and if you get behind the steering wheel thats what you are; a criminal. It was his blunt honesty that opened my eyes. He also counseled my family. He told them at this point your father is not at the point that he cannot live in the home. That day will come but it is not today. You are adults and you will have to make some adjustments like locking the keys up, putting alarms on the doors so he doesn't wander off. If he becomes too bothersome or a threat in any way all you have to do is call and we will come get him and you can say you tried everything and it will be the truth-because you have! You will not ever have to wonder again if you did the right thing or not. No guilt, no regrets. only honesty and integrity. I have had the privilege of a long marriage and I went thru cancer myself. I was given a window od 6 to 20 months to live-that was about 4 years ago. I do have slight dementia or early alzheimers. My Neurologist doesn't use labels. I misspell words and happily found this forum. I like to think that people are good and I know Nursing homes and Hospices and assisted living are important tools for us elderly. I do not believe they should ever be used for the convenience of our children unless we become a financial burden or a danger to them and our selves. Skid70 for your own peace of mind and health you need to get some counseling for yourself before you make your decision. Not counseling from the home he is going to . Counseling for you! I am afraid that as soon as you put him in you are going to want him out and if you take him out he will say he won and be that much harder to deal with. I hope this has been a helpful answer. Everything you said tells me there are control issues going on here and I think counseling-independent counseling would be a good place for you to start before you make that final decision. We all procrastinate-I have a prescription for eye glasses that is 11 months old. Just this morning I said to my daughter hun-if you don't take me to the hobby lobby I'm going to walk and she said dad-I have 3 things to do before I can take you so keep your shoes off and watch t.v. until I can take you-if you walk out that door say goodbye to your grand kids cause your not coming back-she means it-so I had a fudge sickle with my little friends. My grand children Isn't life wonderful I thought as she wiped my chin and little amys and christies...I know the time will come when I will have to leave home but today is lovely and no one knows what tomorrow will bring

I agree with Wendy as well. You can always bring him home but I would give him and yourself at least 3 months to get used to things. I would also suggest you talk to the staff of the AL and let them know of your concerns. I have found my mother.s AL very helpful to alleviate my concerns. My mom was very hesitant but now almost a year later, she is happy as a clam. Get rid of that guilt if this is the best care for him and taking care of yourself as well! :)

I agree with you Jane B-but has he been put to that test yet? I didn't put my wife in the Hospice, my wifes doctors didn't put her in the hospice. I let her family and my children and the hospice counselors talk me into it. The doctor said she could die at home or in a hospice-take my pick. So both families talked me into doing what was easiest for me. She resisted and was sedated and they called it dementia.
Unless I am missing something give a hug has not said what illness her husband suffers from. Maybe I missed an earlier thread? I am reaching the age where I will someday soon ask for assisted living. But isn't it odd that my grown children now say they will not let that happen? Simply because they realize we cannot put someone on the shelf until it is absolutely the only possible way. They watched their mother die an angry 6 months because she felt betrayed bu us all. When our children needed us we cared for them. Why is it different with an adult? My father died at the age of 97 in his home with me mother who was 95. She had good insurance that allowed for a nurse to come in once a week and a in home care taker 3 hours a day to bathe and tuck him in and they watched the tellie together. But as sure as rain if she'd a put him in a home he would have resisted and the sedatives would have come out and he would be labeled demented. If it is possible for give a h-ugs loved one to stay in the home she should in my most humble opinion give it a try. He must have some wits to be thinkin about drivin-if thats the issue sell the car. But I don't think you want to give up your independence do ya? No. Of course not. This is why I don't think he is ready for the assisted living. He seems to be thinkin too much for a man so bad off. Is he a handful? I'm afraid you will regret your decision to put him in their care because you will lose him. He will resist and the drugs will take the sparkle out of his eyes
and those places are nice but they will sedate him if he resists. There is a lovely short book titled If Only I knew by Lance Wubbels. A wonderful book of If Only I knew. If you look back over your life from the day you said I do to now-think of that day-if someone would have told you the day will come when you will be convinced by others your man must be put away-what would you have said on that day? There is your answer. As long as he can hear, see, taste, touch, smell he is only a little worn. As long as he is not a danger to you or himself he is just a little confused. As long as you can love him and let others do the lifting and the cleaning, he is still the man you married. Sometimes the easy way is the hardest. Whatever your decision I pray you do not trick him like they want you to do. Be honest and forward. The time for trickery has passed. Honesty is the only way when we are in the twilight years. God Bless you, dear

I am a Medical Social Worker specializing in Home Health Care.This agonizing decision is one that I deal with frequently with the Families I work with. Most of us do not want to leave our homes and nor would we choose to do so. However, when the best, most appropriate care of the Patient, (and this is the bottom line), requires it, then it is essential. The Patient must go be where he or she will receive appropriate, skilled care from those who have been trained to give it, and who have the experience to do so without injuring themselves or the Patient. Our emotions are NOT the primary concern in spite of our feelings. They must be over come in the best needs of the Patient. Most of us would not want to even move in with a much loved relative, let alone go to a strange elder care facility. However, unless you have unlimited funds to arrange for around the clock care and visits from people such as an OT, PT, Nurse, Dietician, Home Health Aides, Psychologist, or other professionals, then you should not attempt to care for him at home. You cannot lift him up from the floor, you cannot manage his physical therapy, deal with his moods if he has cognitive problems or is combative, cannot lift him into a tub or cut his toenails safely. You will not be able to help him onto the toilet safely or stop him from wandering if he has cognitive issues. It may require a Village to rear a child, but it certainly requires one to care for an Elder with physical and/or cognitive problems. I highly recommend you go to this website http://thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf and read Byron Katie's Little Book and buy the CD's "Your Inner Awakening". They will enable you to deal with this very difficult decision while maintaining your own inner peace. Do visit the Facility and choose one where you can visit often. Take your sternest critic with you to help choose. Ask for the help of the hospital social worker to explain to your husband why he has to go to a facility where he will receive the care he needs. The Social Worker can also explain why you cannot provide that care alone. Visit him as often as you can. Form a close relationship with his caregivers. Be an advocate for him. But allow the experts to care for him for as long as you can possibly afford it. At the very least, you can use the time to have them train you in his care so that you can possibly take him home someday. But you cannot do that alone. And you will need all sorts of help that you cannot even anticipate at this time. I have stopped critical family menbers in their tracks when I suggested that they take the Patient home with them and the husband or wife also move in so they can help care for him or her! Suddenly they have a thousand reasons why that will not owrk. When I ask how the spouse of the Patient is supposed to manage alone, when they cannot, they start to see a little reality. Do use the Work of Byron Katie. It will be a lifesaver for you and enable you do deal with any criticism or comments you get. It will enable you to calm your own fears and guilt and stop second guessing yourself. It will help you deal with your husband's fears and doubts. You will be in my prayers.

You say you are terrified for him to come home. I believe your answer is in those words. Would you want someone to perform surgery on you who was terrified of the job? Of course not. You have a difficult decision to make but it's better to make a logical decision that is right, rather than a decision based on emotions that is wrong. Do not feel guilty about doing what your heart tells you is best.

All the best