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Just a comment about the other side of the story – does sexual exploitation happen? I have worked with male nurses who were great. However my second MIL had a male carer who was a problem and got the sack for it. MIL had been a real flirt (alias pr*ck teaser) in her younger years (3 engagements!), while managing to remain ‘pure’. The carer obviously got into a dialogue that wasn’t appropriate, then asked Mil if she would like him to masturbate in front of her ‘because lots of ladies do’. MIL went spazzo, complained, he got the sack. We knew that they both would have led each other on, and both of them came in with the tide. I reckon it’s better to avoid the whole issue.
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You're not seriously blaming MIL for "leading him on" are you?!

It would be possible for there to be a fine line between harmless light-hearted flirtatious banter and inappropriately intimate comments, yes, true. But that was NOT a fine line, that was a mile wide.

Besides, how could you ever have looked him in the eye again?
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I am willing to bet that if your mother ever saw a gynecologist, it was probably a male. While it may be initially uncomfortable to have a male assisting with peri-care, I might say most people aren't comfortable with ANYONE helping in this area. I have worked with many male aides and many of them rank as the most kind, caring individuals you could ever ask for. Also, the old adage "You've seen one, you've seen them all" applies here. To a professional, it's not any different providing peri-care than it would be to wash their face.
 Have you considered that her embarrassment may have been you being in the room and seeing her in this position? Having worked with the elderly for much of my career, I can tell you that having your children see you having your brief changed is one of the things that causes the elderly intense embarrassment and shame.
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M1Kew00:

That is outrageous. Yes, many women see a male doctor.

Still, if it makes her uncomfortable, it is such an easy fix, I fail to fathom why the home will not accommodate you and her and send a Female to take care of her.

Can you speak to management?
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I see and can appreciate the various points of view in this forum on this matter. However, if you have been in the 'trenches' of elder care, particularly in the US, for any length of time, one would consider and understand that THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN. Yes, abuse does occur. Still, I am grateful for a person of any gender or preference taking on this difficult task of intimate care and showing kindness and respect to my mother during these most difficult of times. Do I wish everything was confortable and perfect? Absolutely, but that is in la la land. Appreciate good care when and where you can find it.
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THIS HAS BEEN RESOLVED! Please see my December 2 post WAY down below. Thank you all for your wisdom! I'm very new to all of this and am just learning as I go along.
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Llamalover47 Dec 2018
m1kew00: Thank goodness for resolution of your issue! Praise God!
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Well, there's nothing like starting as you mean to go on - I can't wait for your next topic 😂

Seriously, though, what must you think of us. I'm sorry if you've had a bit of a baptism of fire, but at least you didn't feel no one was interested? I hope?

What sort of week have you and your mother had?
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dlpandjep Dec 2018
You have a way with words, Countrymouse.  This definitely has been an interesting thread!
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Resolved for the OP and her Mom.!

m1kew00
34 min ago
THIS HAS BEEN RESOLVED! Please see my December 2 post WAY down below. Thank you all for your wisdom! I'm very new to all of this and am just learning as I go along.

m1kew00
Dec 2, 2018
Thank you all for your replies. I spoke with the nursing supervisor on duty yesterday and she was very receptive to Mom's problems. She asked if we would like only females to change her, and I said yes please. Also made clear that this was not at all a reflection on the male caregiver, just Mom's personal preference
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M1kew00:

I am so glad you spoke up about this issue.

As you saw, it was an easy fix for the nursing home.

There are typically more women working in nursing homes, so it was just a simple matter of scheduling.

Why cause distress to an elderly person needlessly?
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Your mom has every right to her modesty & embarrassment at the thought of random men changing her. Some things are still sacred to people. I wouldn’t like it either, I’m glad it worked out for your mom in the end:)
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shad250 Apr 2019
Even if its a gay man?
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GNA gay?
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This is normal.I am a former CNA and you can request that a female CNA dress and change your mother.I would talk to the social services worker and if this does not work.Talk to the facilities DNS(Director of Nurses Services.)
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Very, very normal. You could request a female. However, due to lack of staff, in my opinion, for ALL facilities, sometimes this may or may not take place all of the time.
Aunt requested a female and sometimes she’d get one but then the next shift staffed mostly men or they were short staffed... just being real!
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