Memories, mental illness, and cutting ties with the past. Can anyone relate?

Dear One,

Your response earlier, that you know you have a sharp tongue and mind and that needs to be addressed shows me you are on the road to recovery, you know where the problem lies.
I have an elderly father with all sorts of physical ailments (still at home being cared for by my mother) who has had mental health issues all my life (and probably his but I don't know).
I have been angry, I have tried to turn around and be a good daughter to him, I have tried understanding, accepting, I have turned myself inside out trying to change our family dynamics. But it didn't work, because he won't change, as far as he's concerned, everything wrong in his life is somebody else's fault (mostly mine).
I have a flat mate that acts the same way. She's been most interesting to me, because I moved in here for a short term stay (now coming to a close, thankfully) and she too is emotionally immature (she's in her late 60's and has abusive tendencies), she, like me, had a very unhappy childhood.
She blames her parent's for that, and has gone on to be an unhappy mother (whose son doesn't see her) and she blames that on circumstances (she was a single mum). Overall, as far as she is concerned she is a victim of circumstance and her life would have been different if she grew up in a happy home.
So would mine.
But watching her and starting therapy has led me to make some good mental decisions.
The past is the past, I don't want to drag it around like a ball and chain.
My parents could have done a lot better, but they did what they knew.
I have choices, in thoughts, I can continue blaming other people and the past for the way I feel or I can change.
So I have chosen to change. I have cried a lot.
I think I am letting go of how much sadness I have been holding on to, and this suppressed sadness has always come out as anger. My friend commented the other day that I don't seem to be so angry anymore.
I recognised the immaturity of my flat mate and have found somewhere else to live, where I will be more comfortable, ie. I'm looking after myself.
I am honest with my therapist and I listen to what she says and implement many new ideas in my thinking.
And finally I am coming to understand that my father was very hard work because his inner world was tumultuous. He was unhappy, haunted by his own memories, blaming someone else for the way he felt, taking it out on the people he loved, being scared and selfish.
I've decided to stop the family dynamic, to heal myself. To be kind to myself so that I can be kind to others.
While I am going through this journey I have decided to stop having anything to do with my father.

I hope my story can help you see that we are all more similar than different, and that to break family pathologies starts with looking after ourselves, being kind to ourselves, asking for help when we need it.
You can have a different life than your Mother, you can let the past be in the past by making today good.

I can definitely relate. I think the only way to truly move past it is with some therapy. I know it helps to talk about it because when you hold it in it just won’t leave you alone. I feel like when I talk about it with someone, and that person can empathize and validate my feelings, (which I think is step one of handling these feelings), they’re muchhhh easier to let go or simply acknowledge them and not let them control us any longer. I hope this helped

You only spent several hours?? You're doing way better than most people! My mother has an entire room in her house that holds boxes and bags and files of family photos going back over 100 years.

MBFoster, imho, I can relate as I had a mother who was not nurturing. Anytime I start to think along those lines, I think of my favorite animal - LOL.
Llamalover47

This is pretty simplistic and may not work all the time or for everyone but this is what ive done.

when i realize that im thinking something sad or bad i say “STOP IT !!!“ very severely to myself. I also blink or move my arm or leg.

this does take awhile since ive usually been remembering something for a minute or so before i realize it.

it seems sometimes that i dont have any good memories. I seem to think of all the things i could have done or should have done. But saying stop it and moving in some way has cut back a lot from what i used to do.

That's funny, I mostly remember the good times. But I remember a time when it was hard for me to do that. I found out i was depressed and everything was dark, past and present. I know it must be depressing for you to see your mother like that. I hope you feel better soon.

MB
My mother is 93 in a Memory Unit. I ended up being her court appointed Guardian, POA and Trustee. One of my brothers hasn't made contact with her in about 9 yrs and the other one goes maybe once every month or two. Mom has late stage Alzheimer's and doesn't recognize any of us anymore, or remember my deceased father. I have sad memories from my childhood, Mom was not a maternal caring type of person. At one time she was an alcoholic and suffered from mental illness. I hardly felt she really loved me. But, I have managed thru therapy to see her now as a broken soul, like a small defenseless bird. I know she had a abusive background with her parents, along with a sex assault history. As a retired social worker, I have learned to develop compassion for her, and not blame her for everything in my life that's feels wrong. Not being able to remember the past or think of the future, she lives in the moment. I think God "blessed" her with Alzheimer so she wouldn't suffer with painful memories as she goes older.
I has take me a long time in my life to move myself forward. At times, I still have a teary session when I think of certain past events, hear some songs that bring back memories. That's ok. Tears are healing and comforting. Allow yourself a good session once in awhile. I hope you can find a place of peace for you.

Every family is dysfunctional in some way. Every person carries some hurts. Every family and person also has the capacity for joy - but you must create it, cherish it, and hold on to it. So, do your part to "remember" the good moments and create a memorial to those good times in your mom's life.

If you find that you keep going "dark," may I suggest that you see a counselor. I know life is very difficult this year for everybody with COVID-19. Our more sensitive, observant people tend to be more affected by stress and depression. I have a daughter with depression and she had a journey through talk therapy, diet adjustments, medications, and light therapy to find what works for her. Don't give up until you find what works well for you.

Yes, I relate but mine has more to do with wondering why my mother and I were never close and regretting most of the decisions I have made in my life. Now that I am older, my future doesn't look much better. I try to cope, but it's an uphill battle.
If you are a Christian, I recommend the book Spiritual Depression: It's Causes and Cures by Dr. D. Martyn Llyod-Jones. It's not a magic solution, but you may find it helpful. God bless.

Remarkable you say you love this person at all. Maybe it is because we are suppose to love our parents out of Duty. Know that you have every right to walk away from this toxic person forever. That she gave birth to you is irrelevant. She damaged you by mistreating you for a lifetime when parents cherish, protect, nurture. Get yourself a life coach and therapist for the long term. I know about this, and after a first round of therapy, I made the mistake of returning to my family of origin to make things right. Ha! I had changed, was a likeable, good person, maybe too good or good to a fault. Family members had not changed at all, because they had personality disorders. Family dynamics were set in granite. The members that spoke the truth were expelled. I stuck around, for too long. Maybe it was necessary to see it all to the end, get clarity. Best wishes to you.

Was just thinking about this, Thank you.

As for your post, what family? Mine "disappeared" as soon as I let a cousin know that mom had died. She is a religious person and stated she would stay in touch(not stating how long). It just so happened that she had a family reunion when I let her know. She used "stayed in touch" when her plane was landing. I have not heard from her sense. I sent a letter 2 years to go asking how she was, no answer. She can look good in the eyes of the Lord since she did not lie about staying in touch, She also was/is doing a family history. No info on that and don't expect any.

As for aunt, she contacted mom when she was asking her to go with her to a family function. Again, after mom died no contact from her. Mom cared about this aunt since she is her younger sister and always mentioned her. She never reached out about any memorial plans, or where she may be bruied, etc (no address or phone number for her), but pretty sure cousing contacted her, since she used to send holiday cards.

Neither woman since Mom's death, no more phone calls and Holiday cards.

As for the rest, don't know them, even though there are a lot of them, and probably never will.

The only family are wonderful wonderful couple that were her wonderful friends.

I guess I categorized my feelings for my mother and my feelings for my life she gave me full of memories, into what I want to remember well, and what I want to put on the back burner. I was not around when my mother got dementia, but I did visit her a few times after. I lived overseas for more than 10 years and during that time, memory loss crept into my mother. My visits were not always smooth with the oh, so glad you're home, so glad you are doing well. Never did she congratulate me on the accomplishments I made to get me a job overseas. I remember growing up, still have these in my head, hollering at us kids, slapping us, for sometimes just having fun together. I was older, so I didn't have the closeness as my 2 siblings had. I became the wife of my mother when my father passed at a young age, so a lot of family responsibilities fell on me, plus working 3 nights a week and one day of the weekend; going to high school, taking care of a very young sibling after day care, doing dinner, leaving right away to go to work, doing laundry weekends and ironing Monday or Tuesday nights whichever day I was not working at night. I don't remember ever a thank you. I left home through marriage but the week before my wedding my mother got angry because my future husband didn't paint the walls like she wanted, and when she got angry my future left the house so we could anger the hurt out; she called me a filthy name, which I wasn't, and that hurt still exists today, after 58 plus years. But, during the hurt I felt growing up because "you are older, you don't need this or that, you should know better,", etc., there were many family memories involving grandparent (only one ever), aunts and uncles, and lots of cousins that contributed to the memories. So, as an adult, when I was with my Mom and she started on me, or said cruel things about my husband, I ignored her, tried not to argue, let it pass on my shoulders, but each little hurt added up. I still never lost love for her for what she taught me with her steadfast of a poor life without a father, and then losing her husband early, and how she raised us. When she became demented, she faught with my sister who was the only one around to help her, as two of us lived far away not to visit or help. We all had to try to let it roll off our backs. My younger sister had it together a she was strong enough to put Mom in her place by talking with her on different angle. My sister was near Mom almost of her life so she was the one Mom argued with. So, with ending up not loving Mom as much as I used to or maybe should have, I cherished the memories she helped make when we were growing up. After I was married several years and was hoping for another child, I asked my Mom if there was ever a time when she loved one of us more than the other--does a mother ever do that? And she was honest and said, yes, as one of was made out of love, and the others including me was made by accident. That hurt, but I was much older and understood that was my Mom and she knew how to hurt people. I still cherish the memories,though, and I have written stories about growing up for my son and his family to cherish of his ancestors. I didn't "like" my Mom, but I loved her. If she would have accepted anything at all of what I tried to do for her, or advice she sought from me, I would have been happier, but she was not like that. Nothing I did was "right" for her or in her eyes. As I grew older, I never discussed her hurtful attitude toward me but I had lots of praise from a loving grandmother, aunts and uncles and even cousins. My mother was argumentative with the sister who cared for her (Mom and stepfather had their own apartment), and my other sibling who took my Mom for a long ride and into a senior living place, arguing and stomping her feet, waving her arms, and he walked away. I know that sibling still feels the sting of her words, but we all loved her and she needed to be where she was "dropped" off.

All this is about CHOICE. Do what makes YOU happy. Yes, it is possible.

Honestly I’d get rid of these pictures if they bring painful memories. No point in reliving it again and again. Try to leave it in the past where it belongs. If Mom doesn’t even know the people you are not doing it for her.

I also believe some things have bad energy associated with them. I’d get the pictures and everything else like it out of my house.

Wow.

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

You are beyond kind to do a scrapbook for your mom. I wouldn't even attempt one. For one thing, there are very few photos in existence and I couldn't fill a single book.

My only saving grace was finding a good psychiatrist 24 years ago, and several good therapists along the way. Only by going through EMDR did I finally begin to find peace in my heart and head.

To find yourself sick is to be half way cured. (Sorry for botching that phrase).

It IS easier to slide into the depression/anxiety/self hate that comes with having a parent who just, well, seems to hate me. I know now she was simply incredibly jealous b/c she felt I was daddy's favorite kid. Maybe I was, but that's not my FAULT...it was actually a necessary balance b/c she was very passive aggressive (still is) in her attitude towards me.

If making these scrapbooks bring you joy--by all means, make them. I have done SO MUCH for my mother in the sick hope I'd gain her approval--I no longer do that.
Ricky is right. The past is the past. I refuse to live there.

I have 5 kids who love me, 5 inlaw kids who love me and 14 grands who adore me, so God has more than compensated me for the lack of a loving mother.

The past is the past. The future is what you make of it. If you dwell in the past it will be your future.

Yes, there is! I was abused as a child and thought I could never give up the bad memories. Also went through other tough times, failed marriage, handicapped child, became handicapped myself.
What I had to do to break the tendencies of which you speak was to forgive myself first for my feelings. Then I worked on forgiving other family members. Now I say to myself....these events had nothing to do with me as a person. The events happened in the past because of the mental and emotional problems of others. They did the best they could but never got the help they needed and so people were hurt by their actions. My job is to take care of myself and my own emotional and mental health. I see a shrink and a psychologist and have for many years. You are worth that investment! Remember or ponder qualities you have and actions you have take in your life that make you feel good about yourself. It is a long hard road but it is our work and our life. I am here for you MBfoster!

Bad memories make more of an impact and therefore are most lasting than good memories. Any tendency toward mental illness, depression or anxiety just accentuates this. Since my mother is overwhelmingly negative, and constantly dwells on the past, I have reinforcement of everything negative. Once when I was trying desperately to reframe thoughts in a more "neutral", if not positive, way I thought I would try to help her do the same. After a couple of days of suggesting different ways to look at things, she angrily screamed "You are disagreeing with everything I say!". If you want happy memories work at what you do now. Today will be tomorrow's memories. As far as the past, perhaps when you can remember something positive write it down so it will be there at a time when you are having difficulty remembering anything positive.

I can relate. What I am trying to do is accept and forgive. I am not there yet but hopefully will be. Take care.

Focus on rejoicing that the past is gone and you don’t live there anymore.

I don't think I'll ever be able to look at my childhood with fond memories; all that's left for me is the ugly memories with very few of the happy/positive times, although there were some. The human brain, I think, tends to go to those ugly memories instead of the happy ones; it's at that time when WE have the power to redirect the negative thoughts over to the positive memories instead, you know what I mean? Instead of lingering on the traumatic fighting that went on in my house, I can choose to change that thought over to when my folks took me out of school early to go to the NY World's Fair.

As yet, and I'm 63 (my mother is 93.5), I haven't found a way to stop the resentment I feel towards my mother, no matter WHAT I do, no matter HOW hard I try. It's impossible for me, so it is what it is. I still do my best to keep a cheery attitude when dealing with her (she lives in Memory Care) on the phone or in person, and I still do everything for her that needs doing (I'm an only child), so it's good enough as is.

Happiness right now, today, is something we have to create; it's not contingent on a particular situation, for if it is, we will never BE happy. If our happiness is reliant on coming to terms with the past, then we're not gonna be happy either. That's how I feel. I can choose to be happy TODAY, however, not based on what happened yesterday or in my childhood, just as a choice I'm making for the moment. My life is fine; I'm pretty healthy, I'm happily married, I earn money, I have a sweet dog, a nice house.........for THOSE reasons I can give thanks to God and be at peace. My past doesn't affect me at this very moment, so who cares? Living in the past is depression; living in the future is anxiety, so that's why it's so vital to live in the NOW.

I can relate to what you've said about having a sharp tongue; I do too. When I listen to my mother speak, to this day, not one thing she says isn't steeped in ugliness, judgment towards someone, or just a sarcastic, foul tone of voice. She can say something super sweet, yet use a tone that cloaks the entire statement in filth..........if you catch my drift. So, no matter what she says, it's U G L Y. So I know where my 'sharp tongue' comes from and I'm AWARE of it, as you are.......and that right there is half the battle! My mother would tell you she doesn't have a sharp tongue at ALL, and she'd believe it. THEREIN lies the problem. Self awareness is the first step toward change. We are a work in progress and trying to undo a lifetime of dysfunction, right?

Try to be gentle with yourself, my friend. We all have demons to deal with and histories we can't re-write but that we CAN learn to put in the past, where they belong. Don't let your past affect your present or your future, because that's when it does the most damage. Check out The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. That book gave me a much better ability to focus on the now instead of on the past, and was a very worthy read.

Best of luck!

MB, yes-yes-and-yes. As you sadly anticipate, the scrapbook may not fully inspire the type of pleasant memories you wish upon your mother, but you may find that the project has allowed you to look back on the past in a different, more positive, light. It was a loving thing to do. It was a creative thing to do. It gave you the opportunity to see the past differently. The photos you chose are the proof that all was not miserable and dark. And that is a very positive thing, indeed.

I say that b/c I recently did the same thing, hoping that the faces/places I arranged in a little album would remind my aged mother of the many people who loved her then and love her now, even though she has chosen to close her eyes and pretend none of it -none of us- ever happened. There is nothing I can do to change that, but I can change how I view it all. And, like you, I desire to allow more light into my own heart.

If your project helped you as mine helped me, I'd say that you are already creating happier memories for yourself. Peace be with you.

I can relate. I hope that your project will help you feel better. It sounds like something that I would do for my mother to help cheer her as she’s always miserable. She suffers from mental illness for which she has refused treatment for most of life. So, we suffer. She might pretend to like it, but she doesn’t have one sentimental bone in her body.

I have been struggling a lot over the course of this last year, as I finally saw the extent of my LO’s cruelty, both now and many years ago. I read a lot and am trying to stay positive. I will not allow her to diminish me. No way. The way I’m dealing now is to show her pity and help others. The more I help others in need, the better I feel. I know that my kindness is stronger than her meanness.

I am amazed at how many adult children had parents who were very unfair, negligent or abusive. Mine, was however a super star to most. Few saw behind the curtain.

Dear soul. Yes it is possible But you have to work at it. My mother was like that (mentally ill) and passed at the end of 2018 aged 106. I am 82 and have fought for my own life for that many years. It hasn't been easy and I have made some poor decisions, but I have kept moving forward and refused to be taken over by it.

I was her POA health and financial and am her executrix but did/do it at a distance so I could survive. I have cut contact with my sister also for my survival. I am looking forward to this next phase once the estate is settled and I carry no part of that burden any more.

Develop your own life, do things you want to do, make good memories. It can be done. Having a mentally ill mother is a huge challenge. You may well need the help of a therapist. I have gone for therapy off and on throughout my life and it has helped. Do what you need to for yourself. (((((hugs)))))