Hi
I posted before but forgot my login so had to create a new one. I have been reading a lot lately and find this site to be great lots of helpful information I thought I was the only one going through this. My MIL might be coming to stay with us for a while . I cannot be around the woman I have expressed this last year when she stayed for 3 months and I had to run away to my daughters house. Husband is no help it’s tradition, he will go down in his grave if that’s what needs to be done before he denies his mother anything . I never had a great relationship with her to begin with but now this is a whole other level . She is 88 can hardly walk , can’t hear well or see well. But she can see enough to tell me how to wash my dishes !! I’m a grandmother . Constantly wants someone to occupy her and talk and sit with her . Won’t let anyone leave the room without knowing where they are going . I have tried to get anxiety meds but she refuses to take them lol. I tried to get her to knit which she replied angrily I won’t sit here and knit so you can all keep me quiet and busy then angrily said I Won’t Do It !! Every time she calls my husband which is 10 times a day she’ll say where’s your wife why isn’t she calling me why is she hiding I have tried to get a nurse she lives elsewhere with her other son to give him help and they both denied it !! She gets offended if I’m in the other room. With my daughter no one can go anywhere. My sweet husband just informed me that she might be coming and staying with us because 1 she can’t live overseas with other son because it’s too hard for her to get around the home 2 other son here MIL doesn’t get along with the DIL lol and she will cause a divorce for them but my husband has no problem offering for us to take her in . She is manipulative . Constantly complains . Wants everything her way , acts like an angel while she is ruining your LIFE , last time she was with me I told her I can’t care for you to which she replied of course you can your healthy and strong . Lies about being sick is constantly taken to the hospital . Her children won’t listen when I say she needs a nurse and to be out on meds . No mother is fine she’s perfect she doesn’t need anything . I know what must be done , and I have a plan in Place for my own sanity . Firstly I’m going back to work full time , and if need be I will leave my husband . I have informed that I will be working g again to which he replied maybe you could find a job working from home and I can see he is already trying to come up with a plan. Lol . You cannot force someone to do something they are not capable of doing . I have informed all of them this . I do t mind doing some things for her maybe bathing her or visiting her but I cannot love with her and if no one will listen then I will take care of myself . I don’t want to divorce in my older days but will have to wait and see what happens for now my plan is in place and I fell better already .
thank you for letting me rant
I was never like this I was always a helpful nice person took his family into my home on and off for 20 years of my life and that’s all I can give
My DH always had the 'plan' that we'd take in his mom when she got too 'bad' to live alone. Why, I do not know to this day. She hates me with such a passion--and I have not even seen nor spoken to her for almost 4 years. She told me to 'go away' and I did and have not done ANY CG for her since.
Dh and his OB and YS are handling her on their own. It's their own personal little hell and I want no part of it.
I didn't ever leave my DH although it was always a plan if DH decided that she needed to live with us. If she had walked in with her suitcases, I'd be long gone.
It's not b/c I don't care, or am a bad person, I just don't think that having a person in the house who actively and vocally hates you is a good plan. I've seen far too many cases where one partner thinks this is a GREAT idea--and they are never the ones doing the heavy lifting.
Stand your ground. If you can, create a support network. If not, create one by yourself. I have taken a LOT of grief from my DH over the course of our marriage b/c he feels responsible for his mother, and thinks I feel the same.
I took care of HIS father for the last 6 months of his life--FT in his home--I'd drive out there 2-3 times a day. Then he passed and I stepped right into PT CG for MY daddy. Then, as my mom declined, I was her alternate CG, until her death.
IF his mother had ever treated me with any kind of respect and/or gratitude, I would be amenable to helping out now. But she has actually stated very clearly and firmly that I am NOT allowed in her home.
I do not and will not take care of her under any circumstances. This has caused a LOT of dissonance in our marriage. It's the ONLY thing we 'fight' about--we don't really 'fight' but he refuses to see my side of things, even tho his mother has been VERY vocal and VERY adamant that I never show up to her home.
I've stuck to my guns and will continue to do so.
Yes, I would have left DH had he just brought mom home to live at any point in time. I love him, but there are limits.
And yes, he functions under the heavy blanket of guilt. Nothing seems to lift it.
Good Luck to you--keep planning your possible exit. I hope you don't have to do it.
Don’t let anyone make you a slave.
So glad you are going to work soon.
What you have, of course, is not a MIL problem, but rather a husband problem. I think marriage counseling on a serious and severe "contract level" is needed in order for the two of you to work things out.
There may be a need for you to exit your home while your husband gives it over to his mother. This would be costly for him, as what you must have at the least is a room of your own somewhere. Is one of your own children the option. Can you rent one of their rooms, help with cooking and grandkids for a month, one month, two months while your MIL usurps your position in your home?
Another option is your husband and you renting a small studio for you during the times MIL is there. Men more often react to having out of pocket money disappear than the whining of the wife they choose to ignore.
I would make it clear in counseling that you do not wish to end your life alone, but that you are willing to do so if you must live without a say in who lives in your own home.
You can also be so honest as to tell your MIL that she is NOT WELCOME by YOU in YOUR HOME, despite her son's willingness to have her there. Tell her the amount of time she IS welcome, whether two weeks or a month. Put it on her since your husband has no will to address the issue.
MIL yes has citizenship that is not the problem I can get her help she won’t take it neither will her family members. Everything is done according to what she wants no one has put there foot down to her and said NO you are staying here and doing this everything is yes yes yes at the expense of others .. She even curses and berates them her own family why would she be better to me . But no one will say anything . That perhaps she has dementia or other psychological issues . Which she does, they all just laugh it off and let her mouth run anmock and say whatever she wants to whoever and she has a mouth . And thank you for being upset for me it’s good to know I’m not the crazy one that something is not right here . This family cannot be trusted even if I were let’s say god forbid to take her in like last year they would say oh it’s only for a little until she goes somewhere else they lie . Last year she ended up staying for 3 months until I finally left and came back a week later . It was supposed to be only a month so no I know there is no talking or discussing with these people . They do not care. But I have options and thank god I will use them you. You cannot force someone to do something they are not capable of doing and what upsets me the most is they all ignore what I had to say . I have given ample advice I will put my foot down explain to hubby that he will be the sole caretaker and we will see how long that lasts and if I can even put up with that . I will not be home work ,gym, grandchildren whatever is needed to keep my health and sanity after 20 long years I come fist
Your MIL sounds like a miserable person to be around. Your husband is truly inconsiderate, along with his the rest of his thoughtless family!
Use your money to fund a short term lease apartment when your MIL is in town. I wouldn’t lift a finger to help this woman.
I wouldn’t offer to help. This family will disregard any boundaries that you set in place. They aren’t trustworthy.
If you give this family an inch, they are going to take a mile! Don’t give them an opportunity to take advantage of you.
Only remain in your marriage if he is worth sticking around for. You can grieve for the loss of a marriage but it doesn’t seem like you have a healthy relationship.
What is your husband like when his mother isn’t around? Is he considerate of your needs? Look at the entire picture to evaluate what you should do m.
Can you get a full time job that has you traveling at least 50% of the time?
If you're able to find a job that has you literally away from there, You get to keep your sanity, keep the focus on you, and see beyond your doorstep.
Good for you for being firm with your boundaries!
No reason to divorce just move out and let him deal with her 24/7.
She is his mother not yours let him deal with her 100%, he can hire someone to bathe her and do whatever.
Good Luck!
They 'hear' your no. Yet carry on like you are saying yes.
They remember the last visit, the pushing responsibility around onto the next family member, then on again. Yet do nothing to stop it.
You are refusing to be enslaved & also importantly, refusing to be a victim about it & state it can't change. Well Done You!!
Yes it CAN change. But I feel this mob will have to LIVE it AGAIN & to experience FAILURE in order to change - in order to get their head out of that sand (or FOG).
Your plans of a job & alternative address are solid. Very very unfortunate it may come to this, but there it is.
You have not been given the authority to Lead & arrange MIL to go elsewhere, you cannot Follow their plan, so the remaining pathway available to you is to Get Out.
This saying may be useful:
"YOUR lack of planning is not MY emergency"
DH & his family are adults & responsible for the decisions they make (or fail to make).
Sending strength for the journey ahead.
If the worst comes to the worst, and MIL lands in your house, it isn’t necessarily divorce – which you don’t want. A workable strategy might be to say that you find the stress of MIL in the house is too hard with your job, and you are going to move out while the situation is resolved. Your wages will pay to rent somewhere affordable. DH works out whether he likes being the caregiver, or whether he prefers having a wife. You don’t go round to cook, clean and care – but DH can visit you. Don’t argue, just don’t be there while MIL is there (or even if discussion about MIL is dominating things).
You should probably bank on MIL being GLAD that you have moved out and that she has DH all to herself. That’s good! She may be sweet as sugar candy to DH. The more she trashes you to him, the better. That’s good too! Make it clear that it’s what you are expecting. It may take a bit of time for DH to find the workload intolerable. It may also take time for DH to register that the dynamics are about MIL ‘possessing’ HIM.
Good luck.
See All Answers