My 83 yr old mom has a gambling problem but doesn’t think she does. I’ve decided to stop giving her money as advised but I feel awful, help!

csoward is your Mom competent and of sound mind? My Mother is 95 years old and I spoke to an elder lawyer. He told me that if my mother is competent and of sound mind then just because someone makes bad choices (gambling) doesn't deem them incompetent. She's not incompetent. She is very competent. She lives alone, pays her bills, cooks in the microwave, takes call a bus to the grocery store, goes up and down 13 stairs to her 2nd floor bedroom. I am saying all of this because I have been there with my mother. She has gambled away hundreds of thousands of dollars since 1992. My Father took her name off all her accounts and put everything in his name. She didn't have access to anything. She always found a way. Used his credit card to access money. Came to my house to borrow 20.00. Told me she needed gas money to get home and then told me later she gambled the money on the way home and put 1.00 in the gas tank. Unless they want help, There is not a damn thing you can do about it. Don't give her anymore money. Let her worry about it. If she's not competetent then find a facility to put her in. This is pure hell. I'm still going through it. She is 95 years old. She takes call a bus to the grocery store to buy scratch off tickets!!! She always loses. She's a hoarder;. The house is a mess. I don't live with her. I check on her a couple times a week. She is mean and nasty to me. 2 weeks ago I told her that if she let me wash her hair and bathe her I would take her to the casino. She hadn't bathed or washed her hair since the last time she let me do it which was in May. She lit up like a christmas tree. All smiles. So happy to go to the casino. She let me bathe her and wash her hair. When the day came to take her to the casino she said she was going to stay home and watch a football game. I was shocked. But my son took her this past Saturday to the casino, and she told him to pick her up on Sunday afternoon. So he did. The security guard there said she can't be left alone because she needs help to get to the bathroom. She walks very very slow even with a cane. But like i said. It won't stop her. She will just take call a bus to the grocery store and sit there on her mobilized cart and gamble away for hours on end. Don't do it!! Don't give her any money!!! Ive been there!! I feel for you!!! Its horrible!!!

NHWM: I wouldn't use the adjective, "funny." Fortunate, yes. But oftentimes, the wealthy become property poor.

Have you considered getting an iPad with a few apps like casino games. I’m planning on doing this, my LO has gambled as a pastime his whole life but no addiction and never to a financial burden of finances. He may lose the ability to take the bus to Harry’s in Reno or Tahoe and I’m positive he will miss his favorite hobby. I am going to see if an iPad or tablet of some kind will help... just a thought

NeedHelp: Autos? Perhaps some may win an auto at a casino, though I never knew of any who did. Yes, I agree - some individuals who are hooked on gambling do not pay their owed child support because their mind is in an altered state - ADDICTION - and they cannot stop without help. Many try and fail to stop on their own.

While it hurts or makes you feel guilty to stop paying for food or services she needs, EVERY penny you pay means more for her to waste (and less for you in your own retirement needs.)

First questions is: Do you have any kind of POA?

Without POA, your hands are tied. You won't be able to get information from her doctor(s) as to what her medical status is. Clearly she has an addiction to gambling, but are there any underlying conditions that might allow you to take over her finances, etc.

A call to the local SS office (you can call your own local, to get information - I processed becoming rep-payee through MY local office, not mom's.) It might be possible to become rep-payee given the situation. It never hurts to ask. IF there is a way to get this, you can use it to pay her bills, including the food you order for her. You'll have to keep records on how her funds are used, you cannot use any for yourself and must report to them when requested. Once it's in place, it's fairly easy to have bills forwarded to you or use e-billing and pay via a bill-payer system. Billers don't care where they send the bills, so long as they get paid! DON'T use your money to pay her bills! If you can gain control, work with anyone she owes back payments to so you can set up a payment plan to get caught up.

If she has other sources of income, it might take some research on your part. Having POA would help in many cases. For SS and mom's pension, the POA we had made no difference - both were federal and they do not honor any kind of POA. Free initial consult with EC atty might be a place to start.

Absolutely stop enabling. It isn't easy, but it's necessary. DON'T let anything she says or does influence you. DON'T offer less than what she asks for, she is still "winning" when she gets ANYTHING from you!! You wouldn't pay anyone else to "like" you, so it should make no difference that this is your mother. She is blackmailing you by behaving the way she does when you say no. As many have said on other threads, NO is a complete sentence. You don't have to explain why, just no. If she starts a tirade, you politely tell her you'll talk to her later and hang up.

If you have no POA and suspect any cognitive issues, you might be able to obtain guardianship, but this is time consuming and expensive (her assets should pay for this, but it seems pretty clear she doesn't have any.)

Anytime she might be more accepting of non-monetary help, try to convince her to set up POA, so that you can ensure her bills are paid and she won't lose her residence. Whatever is left over after covering the necessities (rent/electric/heat/phone/insurance, etc) could be given to her for whatever she wants to use it for, but perhaps it should be metered out weekly, so she has gas money (use a refillable card?), and some for other necessities? If she complains and wants more, she needs to be told NO - X amount was used to cover your bills and supplies, this is ALL you have left.

When you are there, be sure to check her car for things like minor damages, current registration and inspection, maintenance, etc. Mom forgot to keep up with these things and was having some minor damage issues, so we had to take it away before she killed herself or someone else!

Worst case is you stop all assistance and let the cards fall where they may. She's an adult and can make stupid decisions all day every day. Even in the MC place mom is in, they tell me they can't force dementia patients to do what they don't want to - they have to get creative and coax/cajole the person into agreement! I know this is true, because our EC attorney told us we couldn't force mom to move to MC, despite having POA (I repeat often, doesn't hurt to reiterate: POA does not give anyone ultimate authority over anyone, it merely allows you to make financial and some medical decisions based on a pre-set condition or circumstance.)
Draw a line in the sand and stand by that line - mom isn't allowed to cross it!!!

My friends sister is a lottery ticket addict. She’s in her 60s. Her husband, in his 80s was working until he dropped dead. He had been working to subsidize their ss and the lottery habit while she sat home with her cat waiting for the winning lottery numbers.
When he died she almost lost her home to a supposed social worker. My friend used a wellness check from the Area Agency on Aging who got in touch with the sisters health insurance. They got her medical treatment (diabetic) and communicated with my friend who lives 1000 miles away. Finally my friend was allowed by her sister to visit. She was appalled at how her sister was living. She tried everything she knew to do to get her sister’s financial situation sorted and her house cleaned. She was able to get her on food stamps. Finally what they have settled on is my friend pays the mortgage on her sisters condo. It was the least expensive living option they could find for her in exchange for the sister going to therapy. She is also on her bank account and should her sister try to sell the condo she would know as the bank and mortgage holder have been given permission to work with my friend. She also has some sort of legal document to claim her interest in the property should her sister die or be scammed. She monitors that the association dues are paid.
After almost three years the sister does seem better as she has kept her bills paid and actually flew to a family gathering last Thanksgiving.
Due to my friend knowing her sister was an addict she would not just give her money. Yet, she couldn’t stand the idea that her sister would be homeless so she worked this out. She knows the sister is still playing the lottery but not as bad as before and the sister freely admits what she is and isn’t doing to the therapist and my friend. She won’t go for a walk or look for a job or mingle with her neighbors.
This addict has two siblings and both have learned the hard way not to just give her money. They love their sister but hardly know her as she isolated herself for many years. Both siblings are very successful. Even the addict was successful at one time, educated, very intelligent, working for Fortune 500 companies. She lives alone. The cat has died. The therapist says she suffers from “learned helplessness” and just wants someone to take care of her. Her siblings know the addiction rules their sisters life. My friend had spent money visiting and helping her get her home in order and the flight home during the holidays but she will probably do all right (or her estate will) on the condo investment and her sister isn’t living under a bridge.
So you might consider helping your mom with lots of strings attached. Otherwise you are just waiting for the bottom to fall out.

Does she also have early stages of dementia? Before it's too late if she is willing, try to get an attorney to execute a Power of Attorney for you to handle her financial and medical decisions. Remember that people with dementia often do not make good financial decisions. It may be more than a gambling addiction.

Please seek help here through this program as a gambling addiction is no less serious than alcohol over use, drug addiction, overspending, over eating, etc. It is just as hard to stop!! www.reformu.com
Call Us Today! 866.733.6768 | weneedu@reformu.com
If the link does not pull up for you here, simply go to the internet and type in Reformers Unanimous.com. It is a faith based stubborn habit program, which meets every Friday night at churches all over the world. How does it differ from a 12-step program? It is faith based and it works. There is also a ladies' group home, if someone chooses to go to the home for 6-month treatment, located in Rockford, Illinois.
And good luck as you will need it!

And you, as the enabler, are a big part of her problem. You must cease enabling her gambling habit. For those who start gambling, they CANNOT stop WITHOUT HELP because they are sure with that one more pull of the one-armed bandit, one more card game, one more roulette wheel spin that they will hit it BIG! THEY WON'T BECAUSE CASINOS ARE A BUSINESS AND AS SUCH, THEY MONITOR WINNINGS!! Good grief - stop the enabling by any and all means necessary!!!
I.e. I know one man very well and is a an addict - that's right - HE IS A GAMBLING ADDICT!!!! Several years ago without his late wife's knowledge, he was draining their bank accounts dry of funds to go to Atlantic City, New Jersey. Well, he got lucky and hit it big on a slot machine and won one million 9 thousand dollars. But guess what - he lost his townhouse because he was still hooked on gambling and he spent that money foolishly. He ended up as a homeless person!!

Please, please do NOT give her money for an addiction that could cause tremendous harm down the road. First to spend money so foolishly is just wrong and stupid. She must keep that money for herself. If you pay her bills, with YOUR funds, then keep detailed records and get the bills sent to you, not to her. YOU must control the money. Under no circumstances should you feel guilty or sad that you can't (and shouldn't) give her gambling money. DO NOT DO IT. I have a feeling she is acting out in anger to you because she can't mooch off you forever and also I think she is beginning to get dementia. You cannot reason with these people. If I were in your shoes, besides ME controlling all of her bills and pocket money, I would sit and explain to her the new rules. Let her rant and rave and get angry. Be tough - do NOT give in. And if she starts in on you, then very FIRMLY AND STRONGLY tell her enough is enough and if she does not start cooperating, you won't even pay the requied monthly bills. In the meantime, start thinking that you may have to put her in a facility one day - DO NOT TAKE HER INTO YOUR HOME.

If you have the money and want to help, continue to buy her groceries and pay her utilities and that’s it. It doesn’t matter what she wants. Does she own her own home because the taxes need to be paid and upkeep. I was lucky because my mother just went to the senior citizens center for entertainment. They ate lunch, played cards, played pool and talked. They also took the seniors on day trips. Check out if there is a place like that where your mom lives. They came and got my mom. People gamble because they don’t have to think about their life just the spin of the wheel.

Where does her income come from? If it's Social Security, you might want to call them to find out what it takes to become Payee for the money. It goes to you to pay bills and then give her what is left for whatever her misc needs might be - in her case a limit on the amt she has to gamble. They may refer you to an attorney.

If that's not possible, rally the troops - siblings if any plus you - for a family meeting. Preferably in person. Go over the bills with her to let her see how much she really has left after paying them each month. She needs a budget of some kind.

If she is not willing to budget her money, then let her know how much she runs short each month and explain the utilities and house may go away when she can no longer juggle it. Perhaps seeing in writing, she may realize how much she is tossing out the door each month.

Paying you back is never going to happen. It's an addiction, like drugs, and when the next check comes in you can be sure none of it will go your way. It will feed the addiction and pay only what she thinks she has to pay. Basically, you have provided more for the addiction by spending your own money on food. It's common for families to do things like that, but it's also called enabling. Best of luck to you.

There are 12 step programs called Gamblers Anonymous. I would suggest you steer your mom to attending so she can recover. She will get a sponsor to help. Now for you, get into a support group or join Gam-Anon or Al Anon which will help you understand her and your own behavior as well as how to interact in a healthy way. You can go to this and it is free. Go to their website to find one in her state and your state.
You obviously are wanting your mother's approval by continuing to enable. But news flash....addicts only care about themselves so you will never please her. Get out and get your life in order before you end up in the ranks of poor elderly women.

First of all, helping someone over a bump in the road because they are responsible and doing the best they can but perhaps had unexpected expenses that they weren’t prepared for us is one thing. Bailing someone out due to gambling is quite a different story.

Gambling in and of itself isn’t an immoral issue for me. It’s a legal activity, unlike before when the mafia controlled, still it isn’t something to be done on a regular basis or at all if someone cannot afford it.

Casinos do seem to attract people who are desperate. Lord help them if they win because they continue to think that they will always win. Simply not true.

It’s a business that is designed to make a profit. It may start out as recreation for some, but sadly some, do become addicted. Hate to say it but the casinos are designed to become addictive. Who is most likely to become addicted? The poor! Just so sad.

The best you can do if you absolutely feel that you should help financially is have her send you the bills of what she owes and you pay them directly! Do not let her have access to any cash or credit/debit cards.

If calling her is a problem, maybe writing a letter would help you express your feelings. Keep a copy.

Tell her she may be at risk of losing her home if her bills are unpaid. You might try getting her phone or utility bills sent to you if you can help with that. If she promises to repay you, get it in writing.

1 - giving her money is enabling her gambling habit/addiction so you are right to stop doing it

2 - congrats for thinking of direct grocery help - what a great idea

3 - if you ever feel you need to give her money then don't give her all she asks - tell her you can't afford to support her as you are a retiree with limited means at your disposal - so if she asks for $500 then send $75 - always do this by cheque with a notation 'loan' on it so that you might be able to recover this if she dies - keep track of how much you have given her plus what you give her from now on - when/if she dies you then can be a creditor for any assets

4 - you say you have sought councelling but check out Gamblers Anonymous or something similar as they might have further help designed by specialists for family members

Why have you been enabling your mother for 10+ years? Gambling is an addiction and your mother needs help, not money. And if you're feeling guilty, you might also need to see a counselor about what has been going on for so long.

There's a difference between paying your mother's bills and handing her money. You should have only been helping her with her bills; not supporting her gambling habit.

Good luck to you. It saddens me that you are feeling guilty now.

This may not be helpful at all, but we recently went to a casino for a concert. Though I’d been to a few of them before , for some reason this time I really saw it through different eyes. The crowd was huge, a lot of seniors, many of them in what I’d describe as almost transfixed by the place, maybe zombie like. The staff without fail was overly solicitous, super friendly with everyone, constantly asking if anyone needed anything. The place was beautiful inside, decorated luxuriously, we noticed the seats for gambling looked far more comfortable than the seats for the concert. On the casino floor fountain drinks were free, snack foods circulated. Not to stereotype, but it was obvious that many of the people didn’t have money, their clothes, lack of personal care, such as bad teeth reflected it (not a criticism, just noticeable) The huge thing for me was realizing the casino may be the best many people are treated in their lives, the prettiest place they come, the friendliest place, the tastiest, all one big fantasy not related to real life. No wonder it’s addicting. I left sad.
I agree with the advice you’ve been given. It’s great you’re doing grocery delivery for your mom, great peace of mind knowing she’ll have food. But no more money. I genuinely hope she’ll be able to break away from her addiction and find a new outlet for belonging

My mom is like that but with buying things: "retail therapy", as it were. Well, she would still be like that, but she doesn't have control over her money other than an allowance I give her for snacks and beauty products. I have the benefit of having her POA and having her in my home, though. When we moved her up here she had a double fridge, a mini fridge and a full size freezer full of frozen dinners and a closet with a number of brand new, still tagged clothes that she didn't really even remember buying but knew she must have liked the pieces at the time....

I don't think I have any real solutions for you but one thing I do know: scrub that guilt out of you thoughts. You are not responsible for your mom's personality, her habits, her addictions (and gambling is most certainly an addiction) or her debt. If you are worried about her making ends meet, you could provide her with store specific gift cards, like Kroger's for groceries, or offer to pay a specific bill a month, but do not provide her with cash in her account because it will go toward gambling, not what she needs.

At this point you are a source of money for gambling to her and nothing more. It's hard to comprehend what chemical changes happen to the brain of an addict, but it's almost impossible for them to change their habit unless they really want to. You can't make her change.

Sometimes in a Situation like This, Don't get Pissed..Taake the Bull by the Horns and Rule the Rough Roost with your moo Cow Somehow...You have to. Often our Parents become like Children, You have to Treat them in this Mannerly Manner Here, dear.

I just want to say that you need to let go of your guilt. You are looking out for her by buying her food.

I am sure that you know that the only reason that she wants money in her account is for gambling, not groceries, not bills, not anything other than gambling.

Addicts have a one track mind.

You are already helping her by not giving her money. Banish your guilt because you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I did the same as you, stopped giving cash to an addict. My brother was addicted to drugs. I bought him groceries but didn’t give him cash. I took him to the store to buy groceries. He would get cash from my mom but not me.

You know she can’t be trusted. The truth is that addicts lie. They are liars so they can get cash. Gamblers who are addicted never come out ahead because even if they win they put it all back into more gambling. It’s a horrible mind game.

I bet it would help you to consult your finance guy, or attorney. Cuz I didn't wake up to the 'fiancial truth' until my neighbor informed me that I was giving WAY too much money to my kids, (which I wud need for retirement). Neighbor's a broker & bank guy, &I'm glad for his candor. (It's sad that I feel the need to buy my kids affection), but they live with their dad, & it's hard not to miss them & want to make up for the past. Hope you will take care of your own future, & save the money for your needs, not your thoughtless mother. Just sayin'...

csoward, as long as she knows that you will step in and pay she will continue to gamble.

My mom has been a gambler my entire life, I believe that is why I was raised in Las Vegas, so she had easy access to a casino.

I finally had to explain to her that I would not be bailing her out because she chooses to gamble every penny with no thought for the repercussions. She has always behaved like your mom when her actions were questioned or she didn't get her way. It is what everyone that is doing whatever they want without care for anything or anyone but themselves does. They lash out and blame, it moves the focus off their behavior that they don't want to change. If you persist you get the silent treatment as a way of punishing you for your bad behavior. It's a nasty circular cycle. Step away from giving her any money and let it shake out. 8 or 84 our actions have consequences and she needs to learn the hard way. I have seen my mom spend 25k in one week end. I wasn't even earning that annually at that point, so it can get worse. The more you give the more she will spend on gambling.

She won't get counseling because she doesn't want to change. When it hurts enough she may be willing to look at getting help.

Best of luck, it's a sucky situation for sure.

I know it makes the idea of visiting even less attractive, but do bear in mind that her angry demands, outbursts, tirades and her rejection of help would all fit within the pattern of mental deterioration - in which case she needs your help all the more.

Are you in touch with anybody local to her at all?

Sending an elder for gambling.....now I have heard it all.

I have never so much as put a nickle in a slot machine--my dad taught us about gambling like this: "you want to gamble $5? Here's $5..wait a second", and he rips the money to shreds. THAT'S GAMBLING.

Why are casinos so over the top? Not b/c people are winning at gambling!

You wouldn't go score her some meth or pot would you? Same idea.

Food, I'd cover if necessary, but if a person can GAMBLE..love of heaven, why would you support that and WHY would you feel in the LEAST responsible for their behavior?!

I understand, it's hard to explain why we feel obligated to appease their every whim. (It's likely ingrained in us from childhood). It's automatic that you "should give her money", or anything else she demands. I never recovered...(it didn't seem like an option)...but do feel better & safer, since my mother died. Good luck to you:)

Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie, you are an enabler, and she will never stop doing what she is doing, until you stop doing what you are doing. What is your pay off in continuing to do this, does it make you feel better? You have an addiction too, you are addicted to her.

Addicts don’t stop without help. Very few people succeed cold turkey so believing she will stop on her own is futile. Accept that she needs help in stopping.

I would say that you could go with her to gambling anonymous meetings to offer support (if they allow it, some groups are open and some closed) but that’s too hard from 500 miles away.

I know an elderly woman just like your mom. It’s getting worse. She lives next door to her daughter. Her daughter is very sweet. Her daughter and son in law no longer feed her money due to being aware that her gambling turned from recreational to addictive behavior.

This lady eats dinner with her daughter every evening because they live next door to her.

You have a tough situation here.

She started borrowing money. Writing checks to friends to cash. They settled this by having just a small spending account for her. She can’t get her hands on the balance of her money.

She does suffer withdrawal from gambling and makes them miserable but they are no longer supporting her habit.

She is lonely and looks at gambling as a social outlet, which it isn’t. She refuses to go to senior center for activities or church senior groups.

I say it gets worse because somehow someone got ahold of her checking information and has been using her account. The family is investigating. She found out because of bounced checks. She saw on her bank statement that charges had been made that she did not make. They used her routing number to order online. This woman is 80 years old and doesn’t even own a computer. Someone somehow got into her personal business.

The family thinks it’s a stranger from the casino that she had asked to drive her to the bank to get money. She takes taxis to the casino because she no longer drives.

She has written bad checks to the casino and they no longer cash her checks. It’s terribly sad this happens to lonely elderly people.

csoward, time for "therapeutic fibs" and remember you are doing this in her and your best interest. Stand in front of a mirror and say "Sorry, Mom, I don't have the money to send to you", say this over and over until it becomes second nature.

When Mom persists on asking for money, just remember that sentence and say it. Don't go into any discussion as Mom could eventually convince you to continue to be her ATM machine.

What type of gambling is Mom doing? Lottery tickets? Going to the horse races? Going to the casino? Does she drive there? If yes, are you paying for her gas, car insurance, repairs?

As for groceries, time to cut back to the very basics. Mom can live on pasta, sauces, cereal/milk, soup. Tell Mom you are also cutting back, as you no longer have the cash to pay for two separate grocery bills. As that can be very expensive.

Sometimes those who gamble need a wake-up call. Unfortunately, gambling is an addition, and only Mom can choose to get help.

Your profile doesn't say how old your Mom is, or what are her medical issues, if any. If you can provide that, it would be helpful :)

She complains that you're treating her like a child. On the contrary, you are treating her like a gambling addict. Whether or not to tell her that, bluntly, in so many words, I'm not sure. If you think it would pull her up short, do.

if you think the gambling is escalating, and on top of that you're losing confidence in her clarity, her judgement, her thinking, whatever you want to call it - is it possible for you to go and see her? I know 500 miles is a heck of a journey, but I think it's the only way to get a clear view of what's going on with her.

First off these are not loans. You will never be repaid. You have enabled her for 10+ years. This is money you have not saved for your own retirement or had to use to enjoy your life now.

Are you paying for her food delivery too? If yes, stop that too. She will not starve, unless she chooses to do so.

You need to back off completely.

You may worry about her, but she is not worried about anything other than gambling, so why should you worry?

Guilt? For what? Not enabling an addict?

How is she gambling? If she gets to casinos, she can get to grocery stores or the food bank.

Have you reported her to her local agency on aging as a vulnerable adult?