I have let myself be guilted into loaning her money for 10+ years but now the gambling seems like it’s escalating (several thousands to her this year) and now I’m retired and can’t keep doing this. I’m worried about her and also afraid to call (she lives in another state about 500 miles away) since she gets very mean. I’ve called help lines and gone to counseling and know that I need to stop covering her gambling debts but still very worried. Nothing I say seems to really make a difference and really my mom is only satisfied if I give her money and doesn’t want to hear anything. She didn’t used to be like this but now is lonely and doesn’t have any friends and won’t reach out. She doesn’t like my suggestions and honestly doesn’t like me so I don’t know how to help but I know I’ve got to stop covering gambling losses. I am ordering food for her from her grocery store which she appreciates but says I’m treating her like a child by not putting the money she wants in her account. She won’t be able to pay her bills this month but could catch up in a couple of months if she stopped gambling. Sometimes she’s saying things did or didn’t happen that aren’t accurate so I don’t know if that’s just wishful thinking or she’s starting to get confused. There aren’t any other immediate family members. Any ideas would be welcome.
I feel that you are the one needing help here, because I seriously doubt that she will get help. There is always help, but addiction is a very tough one. Please go to Gamblers Anonymous and read all you can; off to Amazon to see the books.
Guilt is an interesting word, and I think I see it more than any other word on the Forum. You feel guilt for stopping your enabling her to throw money away on her addiction? That's a tough one, really. Or are you just honestly afraid to hear what she has to say when she doesn't get her way? Because there is an answer to that. It is called a door. Just "You have a good day and give me a ring when you are in a better mood, won't you" and then off you go.
Please seek some counseling for yourself if you cannot access Gamblers anonymous. Even a visit to your local AA would help. They will be glad to listen to why you are there. And they may have some stellar advice, as they live their lives around what addictions do to us.
My mother was for many years going to move to Paris,lose weight,write books that no one had any interest in. I simply ignore all of this but none of the above was costing untold amounts of money. The stroke she suffered put an end to trying to actively get a book published.
She is now nearly 89 years old,lives in AL and has adapted. Her weight is nearly at its highest but I simply accept this is what she is doing to herself. This behavior does not directly affect my life. That is not your situation at all. You need to look out for yourself. I hope you find the strength to do so. You should not in the least let her guilt absorb you any further. This addiction of hers has already robbed you of so much.
There are so many here who wish for different mothers or wish the negative aspects of their personality were not there. It affects us greatly but at some point we have to put what is important first. The well being we need for ourselves and those we share a life or relationship with comes before any negative behaviors trying to destroy that.
You are 500 miles away and you allow her to have power over you. You say you have been to counseling so have you heard of co-dependency? Stop giving her YOUR money -- you're gonna need it for yourself! Stop filling her account so that you don't drown along with her.
Are you her durable Power of Attorney for her finances (and/or medical)? You say her addiction is worse and this may be a result of cognitive decline, so not sure any intervention is going to be effective (except literally physically putting her someplace where she can't gamble).
If I were in your shoes I would tell her the new rules: you will not be filling her account with cash for any reason, period. She will start thrashing about and screaming and you will hang up. Hanging up is a real attention-getter. Do it every time she launches into a tirade. She will either give up on calling you or eventually get the message that you're not taking her abusive toxic noise anymore.
You may end up calling social services on her as a vulnerable adult. You can contact her county and talk to a social worker there for advice which may help you. She can become a ward of the state and they will find a facility for her and take care of her basic needs but she won't be starving and on the streets. It's not going to be easy to break the pattern you have voluntarily established, but you need to see that your mom will be an anchor around your neck and she won't care that you both drown. Wishing you find the inner strength and wisdom to deal with the challenges ahead. It's your only real path forward.