My mom is 71, lives at home with my dad and is very able to get around on her own. My dad wouldn't dare say anything back to her because he will pay for it in guilt and her dragged on frustration rants. I'm the only girl and the youngest of 3 with a full time job, 3 teenagers in sports and very rarely time to just be by myself or with my husband. My mom includes herself in every single thing I do, if not, I'm ignoring and avoiding her. She has to have my location on her phone and see my calendar so she can be at every single event I go to. This resulted in her making her gyno appt the same day, time and place as mine! I had to travel for work and my location stopped at the last airport and she was freaking out, texting and calling my cell phone which didn't have signal until we landed again. She immediately goes to crazy thoughts. She came to my high school reunion and inserted herself in my friend conversations. At any sport events (multiple times a week) if she’s not sitting between me and someone I'm trying to talk to, it means I'm ignoring her. I do love my mom very much but if I'm not giving her every detail of my day to day she says I'm ignoring and avoiding her, then cries to my dad for days. She gives me snide comments with huge guilt trips. If I make a post on social media she over analyses and has to know why and what's going on. Sad if I bought something for myself with out her knowing or including her first. Gets upset if I don't want to talk about every detail (including intimate) about me and my husband. She comes on all of my family vacations and it's just exhausting tending to her feelings instead of my family.
My husband gets more days off from work than I do, he and his dad went on a day trip fishing. I got the biggest guilt trip that I don't take take off from work and take her out on a day of shopping.
I do have a brother that's also in town, he does some with her but not much. I have asked him to do more, help me find her a friend or a hobby. Something. I have a horrible feeling of claustrophobia and have put on a fake act when she’s around so I don't hurt her feelings.
I've tried tough love and it got worse - she cried for weeks. Do I need to talk to a doctor about this? She is not diagnosed with anything to my knowledge. Am I being heartless for not wanting to tend to her feelings more?
Mom can see to her own psychiatric needs by making an appointment with a psychologist. Her daughter does not have to do to it for her and hold her hand while she talks to the therapist.
Or both of them can give the TLC network a call and try to get on that show 'Smothered' which is about mother/daughter relationships like this. At least they will get paid for their dysfunction.
I agree with Becky that less info given is the best. Don't tell her your going on vacation till your in the car on the way. Tell her you will call her when u get there and when u get home. Your vacation time is for you to get away and enjoy your family. And believe me if your Mom is like an Aunt of mine, she somehow gets the info out if you. You find yourself telling her things (and she is the last person u want to know the info) and then kicking yourself because you did it. You do not need to involve her in everything. She needs a life of her own and if you don't change the way you deal with her now, it will get worse as she ages and definitely if she becomes a widow.
Now that it was explained how she knows where ur, etc get rid of the app. Calendarwise, make up ur own shorthand so she can't decipher it. For example: FB yahoo, M 49, may mean for me, Facebook, my yahoo email, and my daughters name and a date of birth for password. You can unfollow Mom on FB. Don't have to delete her. By unfollowing you don't see her responses. Not sure if she no longer sees you. But they have no idea u have unfollowed them because ur still in their friends list. If she comments about not seeing your posts, tell her you have no idea why or that u don't go on much anymore. Put all your settings to private. May limit who she sees on your page.
Your Mom should have had help long ago. This is not normal to want to be involved in your life to this extent. My one daughter lives 4 houses down from me and I don't see her every day. If I go down its for a reason. She tells her friends, kiddingly, I am nibby because I can see whats going on at her house but she can never claim I am clingy. When my girls see me calling or texting them, they know its for a reason. (My daughter chose to buy a house 4 doors down)
The norm is Mom and Dad showing up for your kids ballgames, school concerts and awards. Meeting your friends and leaving not inserting herself. This problem is your mother's. IMO she needs a Psychiatrist. You need a therapist to show you that you are not responsible for Moms happiness. A therapist to give you the tools needed to let Mom down easy. Getting her to understand that what she is doing is not normal is going to take time. Don't think she will be able to go cold turkey so your going to need to work together. Dad is going to be involved too. You may need to start out subtly. Like when she said you should have taken her shopping with you. Maybe you could have said "Mom it was a last minute thing and you really can't expect me to call you everytime I plan on shopping" If she says yes she can, just say "thats just not going to happen". It really isn't realistic.
The norm is you raise your children. Give them the tools to live in this world then you let them go. You hope they will keep you in their lives but they have their own lives to live. Its not normal to want to know what they are doing every minute. Once you and brother left home, your parents should have started planning on what they were going to do for the rest of their lives. Raising children is just a part of it. Your children are no longer the center of your life. Your parents are no longer the center of your life. The family you create is.
Your brother is the smart one in backing off. Or, Moms obsession is just probably with you. Boundries should have been set years ago. If she had a break down she would have gotten help long ago. Me, I don't do clingy. I probably would have moved away.
My MIL was passive-aggressive with a personality disorder. We got along the best when she moved a 2 day drive away and I only saw her 2x a year for a week. Your Dad is responsible for Mom, not you. And if he goes before her, please do not take her into your home even if the relationship improves.
2. Send your father to see a psychiatrist.
3. Plan your next vacation now and do not plan for your mother to attend.
4. Find yourself a therapist.
I agree that it's important to discern if this is "always" or "new" behavior. Your dad needs support in living with this level of dysfunction/personality disorder/ mental illness. If HE gets strong enough to set some limits, she may be frustrated enough to seek treatment.
The message you want to send is you have your own lives. You can come together at times, but it is healthy to have your own identities.
How you do this will be by repetition.
Small ideas for starters;
1. Practice being mindful over what you tell her. To what level. Start using broader brush strokes - just the headlines.
*Had lunch out* Rather than I had lunch at X time, in X cafe with X friend & ate X.
New clothing?
*Yes, I went shopping*, went wherever. Give less details.
2. Inform Mother your location app has been faulty. That you are finding it causes more anxiety than helping anyway. Then switch it off.
3. Calender chunking. Avoid 'haircut 9:30' as this leaves the rest of the day free in her eyes to 'book' you. Block out the entire morning, with *busy*. Be vague. Haircut, some errands etc.
Down the track you detatch her from your timetable completely.
Less is More!
Less info to Mother = more freedom to you.
Inform mom that a tracker app will not be allowed on any phone that the OP is carrying.
Mother needs to be put in her place by her ADULT daughter.
Her behavior isn’t just weird; it’s bizarre and like a stalker. It’s a mental illness. If anything, stop letting her track you.
If you have had an anxious Mother, you will have been trained by her from birth.
If knowing your every move keeps her anxiety at bay, this is how the entire family will behave. Tiptoeing around to prevent Mother's Meltdowns.
I agree it may look bizarre to a non-family member.
Has she always been this way? Been 'obsessive' or anxious? Has this gotten worse?
Or is this new behaviour?
She will require some investigation into her mental health. Of course, you cannot make her do that.
What you CAN do is slowly increasing your privacy. And certainly a good therapist for professional advice & support. Many will have seen this dynamic before & don't judge.
I have a few small ideas for starters..
Then, if you can--or if someone else can--try to convince your mom to see a therapist, too. (Ethically the same therapist could not treat you both, so there's your out.) This is all about her desperately seeking safety--her own.
You both deserve a better life. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the majority of the toxic and destructive behavior we see from others is born out of their own pain. That doesn't mean we ought to excuse it or put up with it; it just sometimes helps us to remember it. There are very few truly bad or evil people in this world, but there are billions who are in pain.
Therapy has changed a great deal over the years. A good therapist will not only help you develop insight, he or she will have some concrete tools to teach you so that you can find some immediate relief. And here's the big guilt gun: Remember, your children are learning how to be in the word from watching you. Finding a therapist is good parenting!
The fact that you can consider asking “Am I being heartless for not wanting to tend to her feelings more?” suggests that you just don’t get how bizarre this is.
Does anyone in your family ever put their foot down? Your father doesn’t. Does your husband just leave it up to you – even though it’s so bad for you? I can imagine brothers feeling glad that it takes the pressure off them – but how do your sisters-in-law get on? Are your three kids always polite?
You know exactly how mother likes things to be, so asking her to change is not a viable strategy. It’s about you. A list might include:
1) Therapy for you, to include DH when appropriate.
2) An additional phone for you, with a new number for things that are just your business.
3) A holiday away.
4) Coming off Facebook – groups only, and they don’t admit mother.
5) Enthusiasm if husband wants to take a job elsewhere.
I shut that nonsense behavior down quick. I have a right to go out for a meal with my ex-husband and our boy without having to keep an entree hot in the car to bring home for her. She makes snide comments about my ex-husband in front of him, but not directly to him. Usually we ignore her, but sometimes she has to be told to shut up and no one cares what she thinks. I told her that at some point I'm moving back with him and she will not be coming. So she's doubling down on the snideness, negativity, and passive/aggressive attacks on us both. I ignore her. My ex-husband does too. He never really saw that much of her anyway and she wasn't at our wedding and most likely won't be at out next one.
I've been doing the give her a bottle of water to not dehydrate from crying for a long time.
People have to protect their own mental health from these emotional vampires who use passive/aggressive guilt-tripping, negativity, and indirect snideness to suck the life out of the people who actually help them. You protect yourself by either cutting these people out of your life completely or by learning to ignore them when you need to.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You cannot "cure" her, she doesn't even see this as 100% dysfunctional behavior. You have a co-dependent relationship with her that is 100% abnormal. You and your father are parties to this, and you are the only ones that can stop the impact of her actions on you by putting up clear and strong barriers. If you do this, expect blow-back from her but do not back down. She is going to do everything to run over and disrespect you and your boundaries and if you let her, nothing will change and it will be your choice that nothing changes. It is not going to change on its own.
I think you would really benefit from seeing a therapist to help you identify boundaries and strategies to keep the up and strong. Your mother is a sick woman and when you allow her outrageous intrustions, you give her the impression that what she's doing is acceptable. It isn't. I wish you all the best.
The alternative is start going to places she'd not want to go to. Go to a strip club and welcome her with a big smile.
The only way mom is going to be able to know all of your business and run all of your business is if you go along with it and allow her to.
Your father doesn't cross her because he has to live with her.
You don't. Stop letting her nosiness run your life. Put your foot down.
The End.
It will be difficult for you to change because this is the "known" for you now, and you--though you may be uncomfortable with it--are "used" to this way of interacting. Any change will represent an unknown that can at first be terrifying. You will need support.
At 71 your Mom should be directed to her own therapy if she is having trouble crying "for weeks".
Love never has to be tough, but it doesn't have to be a prison either. This sort of very unhealthy actions and reaction can be treated kindly. But playing into this hand is harmful for both you and for Mom herself.
You are in charge of your life, from how often you answer your phone to what activities are appropriate to share with your Mother. You are NOT in charge of Mom's life, actions, or reactions. She is responsible for that.
Do seek help. You will be glad that you did. Not about your MOM, but about YOU. I wish you the best. Change will at first be difficult, but when you see how much happier you are, you will be so grateful you took the courage to do it.
I think perhaps it's you that needs to speak to a doctor, preferably a therapist or psychologist to find out why at your age you still allow your mom to rule your life.
It's time to say enough is enough and let the chips fall where they may.
71, married, they need their own life, you need yours.
Maybe therapy for her how to detach? You know it will get worse as she ages?
I delt with a MUCH milder case & therapy really did help.
Here's a good article on Passive-Aggressive behaviors:
https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/crazy-makers.htm
And here is another good article discussing the 25 signs of Covert Passive/Aggressive Narcissists:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Another good book is Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend which you can purchase on Amazon or eBay.
It's not okay for mom to USURP your life. Seek the counsel of a good therapist who can walk you through how to set down boundaries with her, and how to back away from mom to some degree in an effort to save yourself and your immediate family. How to put yourself first for a change.
**I see you put down Alzheimers/dementia that mom suffers from. OCD behaviors are part of Alz/dementia so I assume this obsession with you has worsened over the years? She needs a visit with her doc/neurologist along with YOU to discuss medication to relieve some of this OCD/anxiety she is suffering from.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
What are your boundaries? Do you stand firm with them?
She is controlling your life, your well-being. IMO, you are too concerned about her feelings and not concerned enough about you, your rights, your life.
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion, fueled by fear, what are you afraid of? Losing her love?
You do understand that she is manipulating you, big time.
I would sit her down and be honest, if she cries let her, she will get over it. Set your boundaries and stick to them. You have taught her how to treat you, you are putty in her hands.
You are not responsible for her happiness; you are responsible for yours.
Stop telling her everything, it is not her business, you are an adult, that means you are her equal, demand your position in life.
If you cannot take back your life on your own, I might suggest therapy to help you regain you.
I understand this will not be easy, however, you are entitled to a life! My best!