My brother, when not intoxicated, is a very attentive caretaker for mom and a good person. But every few weeks he goes into week-long binges where he is mostly passed out, then surfaces briefly to eat before disappearing again.
He's in denial that he's been "gone" for a week. He is physically docile but can be verbally demeaning. He exhibits classic addict behaviors. He thinks he can solve his issues by himself and does not go to AA. He has been through 2 enforced 45 day lock down rehabs.
Mom invited him to stay indefinitely knowing his binging patterns. He has been at her house now for 8 weeks, and he is in his second week-long binge. He has been doing this for decades - his wife finally kicked him out. She has not yet divorced him, so he has no financial support other than living at my moms (she pays for everything). He has no job or money.
Last week my mom was in the ICU for a GI hemorrhage and almost died. He started drinking while she was in the hospital. She knew this, and made excuses for him. I spent 4 days in the hospital tending to her while missing work. We returned home to find him passed out. She immediately jumped into caretaker mode for him, even in her weak condition. She needed to be resting and recovering. She asked him to get up to help her, but he was barely conscious. I also need him to step up to help so I can work.
She denied to tell the hospital that he was intoxicated when she was being discharged to him as her primary caretaker, and threatened me if I said anything. I delayed her return home by 1 day, saying that her caretaker was "unavailable". The hospital determined that she didn't need 24/7 care so they discharged her anyway and gave her a list of alternate caretakers for when I am working.
She becomes angry with me when I suggest that he leave the house, even long enough to sober up. She is afraid that this is the last time she will see him (he used to live on the east coast) so she is fulfilling her own agenda, while allowing him to repeat his patterns. He was invited to stay on the condition that he not drink. He has violated this twice. She never imposes any consequences for his actions. Classic addict and co-dependent.
She always defends him and hides his behavior from everyone. She hid him in the bedroom today when the home nurse came to check on her after her ICU stay. I was concerned that as the permanent responsible person that I might be cited for neglect or allowing elder abuse if they discover him in the house with her. I feel complicit in this problem, but not sure what I can do.
This is her choice. She is mentally capable and makes all her own decisions. She will not hear any of my suggestions to keep her safe or have him leave. She says it is her decision and to back off.
My healthy brother and I would like to intervene and try to move him to a hotel but mom will have nothing to do with that.
I am trying to support my mom in her recovery (she is severely anemic after this hemorrhage). I usually shop and prepare food for her. I feel resentful shopping and preparing food that my drunk brother helps himself to, when it is his job to be doing all of that for her. But she needs to eat. And I don't want to be neglectful. I am also exhausted from this drama overflowing onto my house and family. We live in the property just behind her, so all her requests and problems come to me (even though she says she's independent...)
My approach is to try to detach as much as possible, and let her ask me for help. She is very stubborn and strong willed so she waits too long to ask (which is how she ended up in the hospital). I am trying to balance her care and my full time job and family.
As for my brother I communicate with him between binges and send text messages that he can read when he is sober. He apologizes, and thanks me for my support of mom. I tell him his behavior is not ok. He agrees but the pattern continues.
I am open to any and all suggestions and advice.
All that aside, your mom is coherent and telling you to back off. So I'd back WAY off if I were you. Save your sanity by not trying to protect mom from her son. She's well aware of what she's doing, and if her health declines, she's 94 and nobody lives forever. You cant save your brother from the bottle or your mother from trying to protect her son. Such is the nature of codependency and enabling.
If a day comes when they need help, I'm quite sure you'll be called. Until then, live your life and let them live theirs, no matter how dysfunctional it may be.
Things got bad with Dad. He passed out drunk in the parking lot of the country club. He was taken to the ER by emergency services. He had one of Mom's caregivers come to the ER and release him then he came home and started drinking heavily again. The caregiver was shocked.
At this point I had to back away big time. Dad had all POA's for Mom. Mom wanted to be with Dad. I just backed off of my interactions with them big time.
AlAnon really helped me to set my own boundaries.
I'd consider calling 911 next time your brother is crashed on the floor. At least he will get hauled off and be someone else's problem while you consider your next steps.
I had an OB who used up my parents, esp my mother. He wasn't an addict, but rather a liar, cheat, thief, pedophile and chronic trouble maker. IDK how many times he was in jail. He'd get arrested and go to jail and immediately call mom to help him. I remember going to the jail once--she wanted me to bail him out, but I refused. I went simply to tell him that we sibs were going to close ranks around mom & not let him mooch off her anymore. It worked, sort of. He died young and we all heaved a huge sigh of relief. How sad, really, is that?
He still 'mooched', but YB took his FPOA seriously and didn't give mom a lot of spending cash. And she couldn't write OB a check, as YB would catch it and would have called the police on him. Yep, it had to get that bad before she realized she was sustaining a literal felon in his choice of lifestyle.
As long as mom gives in, as long as you also support him (whether by simply not stopping him somehow, or just turning a blind eye to what's going on) nothing will change.
The relationship between mom & OB is not an unusual one, sadly. Moms feel awful when one of their kids is not doing well. Some of us can look at a kid that cannot 'adult' and realize we cannot help them. Some of us try and try to help, usually through doing just what your mom is doing (denial, then support of the situation.)
Your approach is good, if you can maintain it. Detach and let her know you're there, but that you totally disapprove of OB's place in her home & life. Your mom is 94, she doesn't have years and years to make this all be OK. If her choice is to let OB live with her, then that's her choice.
"This is her choice. She is mentally capable and makes all her own decisions. She will not hear any of my suggestions to keep her safe or have him leave. She says it is her decision and to back off."
You recognize that they are a classic alcoholic (he's gone out of it 1/3 of his life) and co.
What you don't seem to recognize is that you are also a co.
Please attend al-anon if you do not already do so.
This is all going to come to your mother no longer being with you. She is 94 years old. She will soon need to move to care, whether in her own home in back of you, or in yours, or in a facility --unless she simply dies of a second bleed or another catastrophy.
You never mention who owns this "house in back of us", but when Mom does die, or go into care or into your own home the brother will remain in that home and have to be evicted.
Those are pretty much the facts as I see them.
And as I see these facts there is simply not a single thing to be done about this other than support your mother's health and check on her at least twice daily.
I am so sorry and wish you the best.
Thanks again.
If Mom is competent it is legal to have her alcoholic son live with her. There is not much you can do about that.
I'd step way back on what you are doing. I'd drop some cooked food by maybe once a week or no more than twice a week.
Refocus on yourself, your family and your job.
If the house deed is in your MOm's name and she doesn't have a diagnosis of cognitive impairment, then she gets to call the shots, bad shots, too.
You have no power in this situation. The only thing you can do is stop inserting yourself and wait for your Mom to beg to help and then you whip out your condition of drunk brother leaving and never coming back. As long as you continue to enable her, it will go on and on. You need to stop being the solution. There is a solution (which I just mentioned) but you need to accept it.
Who is your Mom's PoA? If it's you and/or your sober brother, I would read the document to see if her being physically incapacitated activates the authority. If so, and your Mom has any other medical emergency, it may give you the opportunity to get him out while she's recovering in the hospital or rehab. Make sure to get a restraining order.
You can report them to APS while he's in a drunken stupor. That might get the wheels of change grinding. If your Mom doesn't have a PoA, then you may need to consider guardianship either by you/your family or appointed by a judge.
Thanks for being you willing to hear hard truths, so participatory in this Forum. So many drop a question, get some answers, and never say a think. We don't know if we even made them think for a second. Your participation is so appreciated, and I would love to see you stick around on the Forum to try to help others.
Your own situation smack so much a my own Friend, D., whose elderly mother had a home on the property with a small cottage in back in which she enabled her alcoholic grandson until she died at 98. He moved then into the city and continued his alcoholism with his mother sending him rental money well into his late 30s, saying that it was "that or the streets for him" which she couldn't bear. Finally, with him closing in on 50s, still in the city, sometimes homeless, sometimes not, she has decided to send money only to landlords themselves, and to change her will so he doesn't inherit her considerable funds. Her inheritance now will pass to caregivers who have been more son and daughter to her because her own son's limitations preclude his even being able to take care of himself. Alcohol is a beast. A killer. Without mercy.
This is such a tough journey that so many are taking. I know you are a wonderful support to your mom. Don't fight her on this or she's gonna bleed out of an ulcer. She is making the best decision for her own mental health and doing best she can. Love out to you.
I can certainly sympathize with you and your situation. My mom is 98 and alert enough to have invited my alcoholic brother to take care of her. She pushed my sister, who was her caregiver, out of her house. My mom picked fights with her. My sister came to live with me, knowing it would not be long until the situation worsened.
The house reeked of alcohol and urine in just a few days since my mom and brother did not shower. He drank and put the empty bottles under his bed. He needed to drink. He risked having the DTs in front of her if he didn't. He took her to get an ATM card and started withdrawing money from her bank. He lasted three weeks until we threatened him by saying we were calling the police and adult protective services. My mom defended him to the hilt, even though he lost patience with her. She said he was a good cook, but we think he only made her spaghetti. He couldn't deal with her medical needs and finally walked out on her without saying a word. He left her with no food and no cash.
My sister returned and cleaned the house, only to suffer more insults and name-calling. We told each other we would be relieved when mom finally departed. Her dementia has negatively colored any good memories we have. Unfortunately, she will not agree to go to a memory care unit or assisted care, so it will take a fall or other event to get her help.
It is impressive that at 98, my mom can still try to manipulate members of the family and pit them against each other. Now that most of her executive functions have gone, we can see how jealous she is of my sister and how she tries to control all of us. She even managed to get hospice to cancel their care because she would not cooperate. Declaring her incompetent and obtaining guardianship is a long and costly road. Our attorney said not to bother.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can empathize with you since I know how painful it is and how helpless one can feel in the face of non-cooperation.
I've joked that my mother was going to outlast all of us. Now, I don't think that is far from the truth. Honestly, even though she still has the right to be in her home and to write the last chapters of her life story, it is painful watching things unravel. I'm 77 and have medical issues that have sidelined me, and I do not live near her. That still doesn't prevent her from asking me to solve her problems, only to disregard any suggestions.
I wish you peace of mind. Please care for yourself as much as possible and seek some positive support. Know that this is not a life sentence. Anyone criticizing you for not doing what they think is best does not deserve your response or explanation. I will pray for you and your family. J