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I am new here and desperate for help. My Mother is 71yrs old and has lived a very healthy life both physically and mentally. Over the last year my siblings and I noticed some slight memory loss but nothing that stopped her from living a normal life. However about 3-4mos ago she met an online “man” who we all know is a criminal/con-artist on Facebook and has been talking to him frequently over the untraceable app called “WhatsApp”. This stranger claims to be on a ship in Alaska and has managed to have my Mother send him $50,000 by means of giftcards and Bitcoin within a two month period. Once we caught on, we (her children) filed an emergency hearing with the court to retain legal guardianship over her finances. We were granted temporary guardianship (still pending court hearings) so she no longer has access to her money, however, she now despises her children and truly believes she is in love with this criminal whom she has never even laid eyes on. She has become a pathological liar and refuses to cut communications with this criminal as well as refusing to see a doctor. During these past few months since this man entered her life, her memory has declined SIGNIFICANTLY. Ive never seen anything like it. She has been to the walk in clinic to obtain Xanax a few times but will not go to any other doctor. She has started drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes for the first time in her life. She cries and has severe panic attacks one minute, then is in a happy, positive mood the next (we believe these moods are based on when this man calls her and how he treats her). We were able to have the judge order a Psychiatrist come to her to evaluate her last weekend. He spent 2hrs at her home and wrote a very long detailed report stating that she had MAJOR NEURO COGNITIVE DISORDER and strongly agreed that she should not have control over her finances nor many other areas of her life, including her healthcare. Unfortunately, our next hearing with the courts was postponed until mid November (2 months) and we are afraid she will not last this long. The court ordered Psychiatrist suggested she have a brain MRI and start seeing a Psychiatrist on a regular basis. The biggest problem is that my Mother denies having any issues. She says she is in love with this online stranger and that nothing is wrong with her so refuses to see a doctor of any sort. She says her need for Xanax and panic attacks are due to her children taking her to court and having control of her money. She often tells us that she hates us and is planning to move away. She doesn’t realize that she is being conned by this man nor that she has given half her life savings to him. Her friends since childhood have stopped talking to her because she is so irrational. We have tried everything and have had no luck getting rid of this man or getting her the care she needs. We have tried reporting this to the local police, sheriff, FBI and the elderly abuse line but no one can help and at this point she is no longer considered a victim to this man as she willingly accepts his calls and gives him money. When she has even a $20 bill in hand she will rush to buy him a giftcard and send him the numbers over the app they communicate on. She has lost over 20lbs in 4mos and her mental health and memory has declined so badly it’s unreal. I don’t want to Bakeract her just to have her released after 48hrs and hate us even more. PLEASE HELP!

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Your Mom may well hate you, but you are her guardians and you need to act on that guardianship now. Your temporary will go to permanent. Meanwhile your Mom needs memory care in a safe locked facility and that, imho is what you need to seek for her. I am so very sorry. It is a lucky thing that you are able to get the guardianship; that seldom happens, and usually those who are mentally ill or even in the thoes of dementia are allowed to drive their own life down. Continue to act for your Mom; I suggest placement now that you have evaluation. I am just dreadfully sorry.
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ErinFlorida Sep 2022
Thank you so much for your kind response! Very helpful and reassuring. Such a horrifying situation to see your Mom go through in such a short time. 😔
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I’d take her out to lunch, and have someone break her computer. Then, I’d hide her notebook of passwords, if she has one.

I’d cancel or steal her phone, and get her a flip phone from Walmart.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your mother.
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ErinFlorida Sep 2022
Thank you so much for your sweet comment! We are afraid of her mental status if we get rid of the con man. She is full blown addicted to him and will completely lose her mind if she cannot communicate with him. The whole situation is horrifying to watch. And even more so, not being able to help. Yet!
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I'm actually floored that she knows how to do bitcoin! Or maybe she sends him bitcoin "gift cards". I agree its time for someone to take over before he does! Can you put some sort of parental lock on her computer? And change her phone numbers?
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She might not be released in 48 hours. She might be remanded to a psych facility. Is it possible for you to block the device she's using? Or it gets “broken?” Can you block him from her Facebook? This is very sad and I hope you can sort it all out. I’d Baker Act her. She’s going to hate all of you anyway, and your primary duty is to keep her safe.
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Cover999 Sep 2022
Even being blocked, he's made out pretty well.
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How absurd & ludicrous is it that a "court ordered Psychiatrist suggested she start seeing a Psychiatrist on a regular basis" after diagnosing her with 'major neuro cognitive disorder which is dementia! A psychiatrist should KNOW that psychiatric help will do absolutely NOTHING for an elder with dementia. My God, we've all jumped down the rabbit hole these days when a psychiatrist is recommending psychiatric help for a dementia patient, indicating his TOTAL IGNORANCE of what dementia is all ABOUT in the first place!

Her computer and phone need to make a disappearing act NOW, immediately, and mom needs medication from a NEUROLOGIST (or a geriatric psychiatrist who IS FAMILIAR with dementia) to help calm down her anxiety & agitation. Which will worsen significantly once she has no means of contacting her 'beloved' con man anymore.

Look into placing mom in a Memory Care ALF if things continue to go south, or in a SNF with Medicaid if she's spent all her finances on the con man.

Very sad situation all the way around. My condolences on all you're going through.
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ErinFlorida Sep 2022
Thanks for your kind response! I agree with you more than any comment I have read this far. The problem with getting rid of the devices (so she cannot communicate with him) is we are truly scared for her well being if she loses him. He has become her drug and she is a full blown addict. My Mom has chosen not to date for almost 30yrs now (since my Dad) so needing a man has never been an issue. I truly believe it is an addiction and she is going to die from the mental stress this situation is causing her. She believes they are in love and her kids are just stupid and mean to her. This man is VERY kind to her. -That’s how he reels her in. Watching this happen to my Mother (who was an active, healthy, independent substitute teacher with no medical concerns or medications) just a few months ago, is absolutely horrifying. I have considered baker act a few times but my guilt takes over because I believe the underlying issue is abuse and dementia, not all mental illness. Although I do feel the abuse and sudden start of severe dementia is the cause of her behaving as if she has very serious mental/behavioral condition. So though it is a mental situation, I think Bakeracting is the very last resort.. Unfortunately we are almost there. 😔
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Baker act her. Have her watch, even a couple, of the numerous shows Dr. Phil has done on the scams!
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ErinFlorida Sep 2022
Thanks for your response! We have gone as far as finding the exact picture the man claims to be and shown her several videos where the man in the picture is warning people not to fall for the con-artist who is using his picture. She gets angry and won’t watch. Says we are ruining her life.
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Erin,
The further along I get on this dang dementia ride, the more I know that my mother’s anger is something I just HAVE to deal with, in order to keep her safe.

Just like a toddler gets angry when someone stops him from running down the road, unfortunately, we end up having to keep our PARENT 🤦🏻‍♀️ safe.

I hate it, but that’s the way it needs to be. I know that it feels awful. Terrifying. Exasperating.

But, it must be done.

You’ll get there.

We’re pulling for you.

Update us when you can. We learn from each other.
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You’re doing a good job already, so glad to hear the steps you’ve taken. Please don’t let the anger get to you, as difficult as that may be. You’re looking out for her and she’s blessed to have you doing so. I’d make the computer and phone go away, cut off her access as much as possible. Those that prey on people like your mom deserve a hotter corner of hell
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ErinFlorida - I'm sorry to hear what you're going thru. I wanted to mention that because my mother has such a horrible temper, a while back, I previously asked her doctor if he could prescribe something like valium or xanax for her to help - and he wouldn't do so because he said that those type of medications can cause early dementia / memory issues in elderly. And I am mentioning this because you stated about your mom taking xanax twice in your post.

And since that time, a friend of mine's mother changed radically after taking xanax for 6 months - it's highly addictive and can actually bring on anxiety and mood swings after prolonged use - it also impaired her decision making skills.

In your mother's case, perhaps her taking xanax is negatively effecting her behavior. You may want to speak to her psychiatrist and maybe he needs to ween her off that. Aside from that, you've gotten really good advice from others regarding the conman - unfortunately these scammers are very believable - there's tons of articles on the internet on this - if your mother could read some information on this, I hope it would help.

Wishing you all the best of luck in this ~
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againx100 Sep 2022
It seems like the issues with her mom started BEFORE the xanax.
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You are doing a good job. I also went to court for my mom's same issue. But your mom is wiley. If you can go online with her online accounts or if she accidentally leaves them on her computer, try to change her passwords but you must be able to have her back up accounts on like her email account because there will be pop up notifications of a change. This might work if you can distract and have an accomplice take her out while you work on the devices. (maybe while she is at her appointments. ) If that fails, then lose the devices.
I do agree with others and maybe a geri psch would be better for her. I wonder if this is Lewy Body dementia.
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ErinFlorida Sep 2022
Thanks for your kind response! Sorry you went through something similar. We have discussed taking away her phone and devices but we are feared of what will happen when she doesn’t have access to him. She lives alone and he has become her drug. It’s terrifying.
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