My mom has dementia but won’t allow the doctor to diagnose her so I can explore assistance. She expects me to handle everything and pay for everything. She used to be loving and caring and now thinks nothing of waking me up to ask questions, calling and texting me incessantly while at work, accusing me of doing things behind her back. She tells people outside the home that I’m trying to steal her money and my son and I don’t take care of her. So much so that elder services in my state investigated me. I have no access to her money, I have my own money. I pay the mortgage and all the bills, including all groceries. I miss the loving mom I had. She is oblivious to my stress, pain and lack of caring for myself. I can’t go anywhere without her knowing. I used to love my time at the gym, now if I am not home after my 11 hour work day, she starts calling incessantly. Crying. Accusing. Then denies the messages. My son and I can’t have a conversation alone, she immediately gets upset and accuses us of excluding her. We have to meet outside the house to get time together. I am resentful, exhausted and alone. None of my aunts or uncles help. My sister passed away a year ago and that seemed to trigger her dementia. I’m trying to take unpaid leave from my super stressful job, but I need her diagnosis to do so. It took me a year to get her to agree to the free counseling our state provides. It ends soon. Problem is that she doesn’t qualify for any programs. So any homemaker care, counseling or therapy will cost money. She refuses to use her funds and if I pay for everything I am jeopardizing my retirement savings and my own financial stability. While she sits on her funds not having to spend a penny. She refused to allow me as POA on anything. She refuses to sign forms so the doctor can speak with me. Yet she expects me to handle everything and pay for everything. She distrusts me for no reason. It has made me resentful. Angry. Deeply hurt. Yet I know she’s sick. I feel totally alone and stuck. I hate to say it but I wish she lived in elderly housing. I feel we would have a better relationship.
S she's not going anywhere & intends to carry on as usual. Always confused, frail, wandering, losing stuff , finances ignored, no food, hygiene bad - I am not her guardian, I'm her daughter.
Neighbour took her to local Dr who said onset of dementia. That was b4 xmas. Now 4mths later she completely .
your story sounds identical to mine except my mom was diagnosed in 2018 but was never told she has dementia.
she too refuses a POA. She doesn’t pay for her meds, diapers, chocolate milk, nothing. She lives with me as the rehab doctor told us she couldn’t live alone anymore and she needed to be in a facility but I said I’d bring her home. She has controlled me all my life and still is very good at it even though I’m 74.
I want to put her in a memory care facility but can’t because I must have a POA or she check herself in and she refuses so here she sits.
I have no idea how to achieve a POA and going to court for guardianship is out of the question because I won’t be able to have her around me as she will become violent towards me once she hears it’s me initiating the proceedings.
I wish you the very best as I know exactly how you feel.
"I hate to say it but I wish she lived in elderly housing. I feel we would have a better relationship".
I think it is ok to say it..
In fact, I think you just identified the issue right there.
Boundaries would be redefined: Your Mother would have her own living space & you would be her daughter again.
Stop paying for anything for your mom. That's just ridiculous and unfair since she has a huge amount of money in the bank. But her brain is broken and she can not think right or behave appropriately.
I have POA and had my mom move from my house to assisted living. She didn't want to go but I just told her that her caregivers were not reliable enough, etc and she was moving. It improved my stress level in a big way. And improved our relationship to some degree but how good a relationship can you have with someone with dementia? It's just awkward and difficult, with some random moments of normalcy.
It's time to take back your house and your life. Mom will be mad and cry, etc. but that's just the way it's going to be.
Good luck.
She has options, she may not like them, but it will be better for you if she finds somewhere else to live.
My mother was very much like yours until I got her out of here and into care. It was so peculiar that, while here, I was the cause of all her problems (she claimed I even made her prematurely old) but, once she went into care, I went back to being her daughter. Briefly - she no longer knows me.
Do not worry about your mother no longer speaking to you re: guardianship. There is little of your mother left in there.
You cannot make her happy. Focus on keeping her safe.
It sounds like she needs to be placed in MC where you can visit as her daughter and leave the caregiving up to professionals. In the meantime, turn your phone off when you are at the gym. Leave it in your locker and forget about it. That is your time and it’s important time. This is what I do with my father. I turn my phone off while I am doing my “wind down” activities. Working out, making and eating dinner, watching a movie in the evening, having a meal with a friend, etc. You are not obligated to be on call 24/7. Set your boundaries.
So you tell us that this is your own home, and that it is your dream home and you love it.. So you and your son are well and set, given your job and etc. That means a lot.
You then, it seems have taken your Mom into your home and that isn't working. So much so that you have "been investigated".
I am thinking that it is time to tell her to leave. That she has about 150,000 is good, as this will provide, along with SS each month, enough to afford rental or to go into a Board and Care. She is not diagnosed as incompetent, so she can be on her own and make her own decisions. I would not then EVER take her in again. If she needs care she can go to placement, spend down her money, and if she outlives it she can apply for medicaid.
There is no reason you have to take care of someone you cannot live with (barring of course an underaged child, which is your responsibilty.)
Sit your Mom down and explain to her the time limit she has on finding a place to live. Tell her you will help her look for a place she can afford. But tell her that living with you is no longer an option. If she refuses tell her that you will evict her (and evict her you may need to do, as someone living with you is a tenant even when they don't pay rent in some states.)
And, again, either a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice or an elder law attorney to work out options. You Mom's assets should go to her care. If that is living with you and you can come to agreeement on shared living expenses with a contract drawn up in an elder law attorney's office, so be it. But no one is obligated to take their parent into their home, and allow them to stay there when the living circumstances have become miserable.
Again, I surely do wish you the very best of luck.
I agree with Daughter. Do not take any more calls at an inconvenient time. Do not allow her to interrupt your work day.
I also agree with Zippy. She needs to be out of your house. You’ve already been investigated.
What’s next, if this continues? It’s not going to get any better? It could possibly get a whole lot worse. Who is with her when you are at work?
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister.
Are you living with your mother in her home?
If so, and if you are currently paying the mortgage with your own money, you might consider that a sort of "rental" but the fact is that you need to keep meticulous records of this in a file. And if so, you have really the very worst landlord, in that she lives with you.
I would think that this living situation is very bad for your son, and I feel he is your first obligation. I would, myself, leave this home, get a job, and get my own home in order--apartment, job, home for you and your son. At the point that you leave your Mom you may need to report her as a senior at risk. Let APS know all you have told us, and let them know as you cannot help her, even so far as getting a diagnosis, and she will not pay her bills, you fear she may need guardianship by the state to place her, and manage her finances.
I was POA and Trustee for my brother, who was meticulously organized, very cooperative, and even at THAT it was a huge job. Your giving up your own life and job to care 24/7 for an uncooperative senior will end with you being jobless and homeless with a child, because even if Mom were to get medicaid she would have clawback on that home to recover funds for the state and federal taxpayer's coffers.
I wish you good luck, but not everything can be fixed, we sometimes cannot help someone who will not be helped. As you said, your Mom cannot be diagnosed, so we cannot even call her demented, but whatever she is, it isn't working for you and your boy at present time.
I wish you the best. Consider seeing a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice to get some options I may not have thought of.
I know it is very difficult when you try to help them and they refuse. And at the same time you are being berated by a different person living inside your mother’s body . So sorry for you . It is heartbreaking for you to have your relationship with your Mom change .
You are absolutely correct when you say that it would be better if the two of you didn’t live together. Your mom is never going to be cooperative . She needs to be cared for by a non family member . She is treating you like her child , and thinks she is in charge. That won’t change .
Is she alone during the time you are at work (with commuting, that is 11 hours/day?)? That doesn't sound very safe. What does your 21 year old son do? Does he go to school or work? I hope he isn't her caregiver when you are not there.
Do you see that you must get her out of your house?
Elder services investigated you and they never talked to her? It would very obvious to anyone who works in the elder care field to see that she has dementia. I think you may need to put in a call to APS for her.
In the meantime do absolutely nothing for her, and I mean nothing. If she lives in your house, evict her. If you and yor son live in her house leave immediately. Go stay with other family or even in a motel if you need to. Do not take her calls. Especially if you are at work. Stop enabling her false sense of independence. Whatever you do, DO NOT take a leave of absence from work.
Then, as harsh as this may sound and it is, let her rot in her own stubbornness. This is how it is.
Most of the time something has to happen to the elder like a fall or some other kind of injury before the medical community and even APS will act on their behalf. Or they will accept homecare assistance.
I did homecare for 25 years and have told many a stubborn elder similar to your mother that nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
You pay for nothing for her. You don't drive her anywhere, or cook her meals, or pay her bills, or wash her clothes - nothing until she agrees to go to the doctor for testing.
She very likely is sick and the only way she'll get the help and care she needs is if she is allowed to get sicker for a while. Things will have to get worse before they get better. Most of the time this is the only way an elder will accept the help that is offered to them.
She will not be cooperative about caregiving services in the home as long as you are providing for all her needs. You are enabling her delusion that she is still independent and in charge when she isn't.
Outside help will have to be forced on her. The only way that will happen is if you let things get rough for her for a while. Good luck.
Therapy will not fix her dementia. Nothing will. She will never get better, and your life will keep getting worse and worse until she is either out of your home or one of you is dead.