My Mom is 94 yrs young and lives by herself. My adult niece lives in a home on the same property. I live just down the street, and we both share caregiving for her. My Mom does have early stages of dementia so she no longer prepares meals for herself but she can still bathe on her own. My huge problem with Mom is that she thinks she is cleaning the house when all she does is take things out of drawers & closets and stuff gets misplaced all over the house. She puts her socks & other garments in places they don’t belong. She totally forgets where things are supposed to go after taking things out. THEN, if I try to help her by putting things back she gets extremely hostile and accuses me of “telling her what to do”. My feelings get really hurt when she acts like a mad women. I’ve had so many different situations with my Mom that commenced in yelling matches I know now not to even engage her when she starts yelling at me. I just drop what I’m doing & walk out the door. I usually stay away for a few days hoping for a cooling off period for the both of us. Luckily my Niece checks in on her often enough I don’t worry about her getting any help and I’m close with my Niece so we talk all the time about my Mother’s needs. This dementia thing just robs me of my Mother. I feel sometimes like some alien swooped in and stole my Mother from me. She is nothing like she used to be. I wonder sometimes if she remembers who I am? She has lost all empathy and she is very manipulative. Ok, I’m done venting for the day🤦♀️
I might try to downsize a bit if it is mostly a matter of laundry and things in drawers. And I would refrain from telling her where things are. If she asks, just act a bit puzzled yourself; just tell her "Wow, I am not sure where that is; I bet I misplaced it. Lets look".
The most awful thing is that when we "lose it", and we WILL, we feel so bad about it. But there isn't anyone here who won't tell you that's normal. I am glad you aren't alone in this; it's hard enough with help. I wish I had a single clue what to tell you. You've described the frustration so very well. Remember only that while you are losing you Mom, she is losing HERSELF. That's worse. It makes them so afraid, and rather than go there they get mad.
Your telling us your experience will help others know they aren't alone.
Try to do enjoyable activities with her, instead of trying to control her behavior or reason with her. Is she rummaging through the decades worth of greeting cards? Do it with her, talk about the people who sent the cards, start a scrapbook of cards. She wants to fold and put away laundry? OK, that's "her" chore, with "her" things and "her" basket, in "her" spot.
Maybe niece takes mom for a drive while you put important paperwork and valuable things out of reach, creating some dedicated spaces for mom to "clean" where she won't be in the way too much.
Maybe she needs more routines, more of a schedule, less unsupervised or unstructured time. Let's make cookies! Now we're organizing the garage! Let's take a break and work on our photo album! Time for our favorite show!
As heartbreaking as it is, you may have to lower your expectations a lot and think of her more like a bored toddler who needs to be constantly redirected to safe activities.